Title: I Could Never Say Goodbye by B.G. Kuro
Disclaimer: Babylon 5 is the property of J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Inc., and Warner Bros. All other characters are mine. No copyright infringement is intended.
Story Rating: T for adult situations.
Pairing: Delenn of Mir/John Sheridan
Timeline: Takes place almost one year after John Sheridan's passing
Summary: Early in the morning, long before sunrise, is the time when memories live.
Acknowledgements: Babylon 5 references in this story are from the episode "Sleeping in Light" from Season 5 written and directed by J. Michael Straczynski. "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" is property of 20th Century Fox and is based on a 1945 novel written by Josephine Leslie under the pseudonym of R. A. Dick. Feedback is gratefully welcome, but flames belong only in Delenn's candles.
Notes: I was heartbroken when I saw the end of the Babylon 5 TV series and that was…well… this Sunday. Seriously. I cried my eyes out. How could JMS do that to John and Delenn? It_really_hurt – worse than when Rick Berman killed Captain Kirk and that felt like the end of my childhood. I mean really, the man should be taken to task about this. Him AND Joss Whedon for killing their characters. Why didn't Harlan Ellison say something? He ALWAYS has something to say. Harlan – say something! You're my hero! Ohhh…beware of scriptwriters whose names begin with "J". And, if you all suspect that I have a crush on Bruce Boxleitner…well I do, so there. Faked you out, didn't I? You all thought I was going to deny it. (I bet a lot of you do, too, or you wouldn't be reading this now, would you? Heh.) Yeah, sure. I wouldn't have cared as much if it had been another actor portraying that character and I wouldn't have felt so much pain for Delenn if Mira Furlan hadn't portrayed her. She really gets me in everything she does. When I see her I see truth in acting. So I confess. I am biased. Forgive me.
All brevity aside, I was intrigued by how JMS chose to portray John Sheridan's demise. I remained hopeful at what could have possibly happened to him since he vanished in a flash of light with Lorien. This prompted an exploration of spirituality from a Buddhist and Minbari point of view. I don't believe this story is AU as it takes place after the series and all subsequent spinoffs and movies ended before this timeline, with the exception of the episode "The Deconstruction of Falling Stars" in Season 4 written by J. Michael Straczynski and directed by Stephen Furst. However, Sheridan's death was not addressed in that episode, either, so perhaps I am still safe. So, I hope you all enjoy this progeny of my ire and utmost admiration for the talented people that made this show one of the classics in the science fiction vid library. Special thanks go to my husband for proofreading and my BB online community. You know who you are…
The Year 2282 – Minbar – Predawn at the Sheridan Residence
The Minbari did not have a word for goodbye. For them life existed on many planes and the physical stage was just one state of being, so to say goodbye meant that there would be no chance of meeting one another ever again in any form. For the Minbari this was an impossibility and it was this impossibility that provided some small solace for Delenn in the days and months since the parting from her beloved husband. Someday they would meet again and on that day she would come home to his embrace. It didn't matter what plane or what lifetime, as long as their souls could touch once again and if she had a choice she would continue with him through an eternity of lifetimes and states of being so they could grow and evolve together at each other side. Truly she felt that she was a new soul, as she never knew what it had felt to be loved as he loved her. She kept this revelation private and did not reveal her heart-secret until after their wedding.
Her thoughts drifted back to that moment. She was lying content in his arms after making love. It had been her turn to sleep in his quarters on Babylon 5. They had both decided they owned too many possessions to fit into one living space so this arrangement of alternating days in each other's dwellings was an agreeable solution. He had let her know that the evening's project was to ease the transition to a human style bed for her by demonstrating ways of lovemaking that could not be achieved on a steep angle from the floor. It was his hope that once she realized how enjoyable this experience could be, she would no longer possess the initial trepidation she felt by sleeping parallel to the ground. His mock seriousness had caused a great deal of laughter during this particular encounter and she felt the heat rise to her cheeks at those sensual memories. John had always been a tender and joyous lover. He was like the sun, radiant and robust and she could still remember what it felt like have his warmth surround her body entirely in a loving embrace.
"John…I must confess something to you." She spoke tentatively, not certain how she would express the enormity of what she was about to say.
"Is there something wrong?" His sparkling eyes grew concerned as he brushed his fingertips across her cheek.
"No there is nothing wrong. " She felt his sweet breath on her face as he sighed in relief. "I just feel compelled to tell you that I believe you are my first."
She could see confusion cross his features and wondered for the uncountable time how she had managed to leave out some important syntax in the human language of commerce in which she had believed herself fluent – at least until she met John, she realized wryly.
"Delenn" he said attempting to keep the strain out of his tone "how can you only believe that I am your first?"
"Oh!" she exclaimed. "Now I realize. I am sorry my dear John. I do not mean it in that way." Her cheeks flushed at the realized implication and they both began to chuckle.
"Honey, then what do you mean?" he asked, teasingly.
Her visage became serious as she sat up in bed and took his face in her hands. "I mean, that you are my first true love, that you are my soul mate. I feel in my core that this is new and I would have recognized you by now if we had shared a life or lives together. Your love completes me in a way that transcends every point of existence. I feel completed now that I have finally found you." She stopped speaking then, wondering if this concept made her human husband feel uncomfortable.
The look in his eyes spoke before their intent could form on his lips. When he could speak his words caught choking on unshed tears. "Thank you for putting into language what I have felt since the moment I saw you." His mouth found hers and energy flowed between them bonding their souls together in preparation for the duration of time.
Reluctantly she pulled herself out of that moment that was long ago and conversely immediate, time expressing itself in quicksilver flashes of memory. As easy as it could be for her to spend the day reliving her life with John, it was not in her character to remain inactive. He would not have wanted her to waste away in what her caste called the "memory ocean" and had said that humans had inaccurately referred to that place as depression. He had quite preferred her explanation, instead. He had also expressed to her that when he died, he hoped to create enough experiences to keep her company before they would meet again. Close to his death she had assured him this was so.
Since their parting, some days were easier than others. She had her work as president of the Interstellar Alliance and she had their 18-year-old son, David, to keep her busy. As he neared full adulthood the resemblance to his father became stronger with each passing day. Being what the geneticists had determined to be three quarter human there was very little trace of Minbari present in his features, aside from a vestigial bone ridge underneath his mane of hair. He possessed John's height and even his gait. His voice, however, possessed her musical quality. She was so proud of him. He had chosen the path of the Rangers once he completed school. While she knew she would worry for his safety once his training began, the fact that one of his mentors would be Susan Ivanova was a comforting thought.
Since their parting some days were not as good as others. Today was one of them. She sat as she always had since the days before John's passing, waiting for the sun to rise. It was one of the last things they did together and there was intimacy in this repeated ritual. It was one day short of a year since his death. She had dreamed of him early this morning and in her dream she had been floating outside his ship moments before he died. Lorien was there on the bridge with him. There had been a flash of light and both had vanished. Could it be that he still existed here and had simply evolved into something else? She chastised herself for such a selfish thought. After all, it had only been a dream born of her loneliness. It was not a truth dream. As she resigned herself to this pattern of thinking the sun chose to remind her of his existence and greeted her with morning rays. His brilliance failed to ease the ache in her heart this morning.
Addressing the sun she placated "I am sorry, old friend, but I keenly feel John's absence. Not even you can warm me today." With that she stood, bracing herself for her daily routine of reviewing all the communiqués that would have arrived overnight from other worlds in the Alliance - but first, there would be tea and a shower. Focused on those simple pleasures, she departed.
Had she stayed she would have felt the wind caress her cheek and smelled the fresh scent of morning woods mingled with an unmistakable masculine scent. The wind sighed - its longing like a lost lover missing his mate by moments.
The day proved to be gentle with its demands and her Presidential duties had mostly been completed by late afternoon. David had returned from class and was extolling his Minbar-Earth social studies professor at their dinner table. He mentioned that his father would have been proud at the high level of understanding that was now being promoted regarding both cultures. He knew it was because of his parents that such understanding could be achieved between their worlds. In class he often abstained from comment, however, feeling he had an unfair advantage in knowledge.
In the beginning, she worried about how David's peers would treat him since he wasn't pure Minbari. The path had not always been easy for her since her transformation. Surprisingly there was little prejudice as her son possessed an easygoing nature and took after her ways regarding diplomacy. Had he taken after his father, she believed he still would have fared favorably - however, there may have been more of a warrior's path chosen when the inevitable confrontations occurred between little boys. There was only one such instance that she remembered when he actually had to physically defend himself. John had put up appearances for her sake when she explained to their son in his fifth year about the path of non-violence and how physical defense was a last resort. Yet, when little David left their bedroom John whooped out loud and exclaimed how proud he was that his son stood up to Talier – a bully that was 3 years older than David and twice his size. She shook her head and ran her fingers through he husband's soft hair murmuring about how perhaps she needed to provide him with a refresher on Minbari religious caste philosophy. He playfully reminded her he was warrior caste and as always, their teasing ended in kisses. She suppressed tears as she once again had allowed herself into the memory ocean.
David had gone to spend the night at Michael Stevens' house. The two boys had been friends since Michael's father had been appointed the Earthgov liaison over eight years ago. Delenn approved of the friendship and was glad David had a friend that could reinforce his father's heritage.
The wind blew across the dinner table enveloping her form lovingly reminding her that it was time to prepare for bed…
Night had announced its presence by showering the sky with stars. The house was still and Delenn was exhausted from the emotion she had struggled to keep control of during the day. She had fallen quickly into slumber as a feeling of calm washed over her. She dreamed of John's caresses and kisses and for a moment completion returned.
He was glad he could bring her sleep and watched as the sister moons rose spreading their powder white light upon his beautiful wife's face…
Early that morning long before sunrise, she awakened to a lingering feeling of his lips upon her own and the scent of morning woods. There was a depression in the bed next to her. All instinct told her to be afraid, but there was only peace in her being. The depression began to glow with a golden light. When it completed solidifying her husband lay next to her, looking much as he did 20 years ago dressed in his Army of Light uniform.
"Delenn." His voice was soft as velvet.
"I am dreaming, am I not?" she sobbed.
"No. This is real. I promise." He took her in his arms and they both wept at their reunion. He soothed her with his touch and murmured soft assurances into her hair as he allowed himself to breathe in her scent once again. She repeated his name over and over again in between kisses.
When they had calmed she asked, "How are you here?" touching his lips as they parted from her own.
"I could never say goodbye." His eyes were full of longing remembering at their parting how she had mentioned that the Minbari had no such word. "As you know, I went to the Coriana system. Moments before my death Lorien appeared to me."
"I saw that in a dream last night" she whispered against his chest.
"Then you got my message," he smiled as he said it.
"Yes, dear husband," she affirmed breathlessly. "Please continue your tale."
He smiled down at her, grateful to have this time with her. "Lorien said that the First Ones had not forgotten me, that my old life was over and that it was time to start a new journey. I believe he transformed me into something that no longer requires human form."
"That would make sense. You know our people believe that we will all evolve into beings of light and go the way of the Vorlons."
"Yes, I know. It was my only solace that your grieving was tempered with this belief." She could hear the anguish in his voice. It was now her turn to comfort. She guided his back to the bed and undid the fastenings of his jacket.
"I have many questions, John, but right now I want to feel you free of these garments and in my arms." He smiled that infectious smile of his as consent and their garments disappeared as they began to explore each other once again.
They had dozed at the end of their lovemaking and the sun greeted them. They both rose, donning their robes – she had kept his by her bedside as a remembrance – and walked outside to great him.
"Good morning, old friend," she said in salutation. "Today is glorious for I am warmed by both of you." John folded her into his arms as they sat on the bench together. For a year, there had been only his memory for company. She was gratefully overwhelmed by his presence here today.
The sound of his low voice grounded her. "I know you have questions. I will do my best to give you answers," he promised.
She touched his face. "Why were you allowed to come back to me?"
"Well, Lorien said I was to start a new life, but I had no desire for it. I only missed you. One day I told him that although I couldn't completely describe it, I felt as if I weren't whole, that I had left the best part of me behind." He became silent, reliving the pain of the last year without her. She touched his hand.
"You revealed to him that we were soul mates, didn't you?" She was not accusatory.
"Yes" he replied while stroking the gossamer strands of her hair. "I had to let him know. I was in constant pain without you. I think he took pity on me. I didn't know that almost a year had passed when he said I could go to you. Just before I left he told me there are rare instances when one must take the journey together, that sometimes two souls are far better together than apart. I would still start my new life, but it was clear that you had to be a part of that life. Then I appeared here two days ago. I couldn't manifest myself until this morning. It's because I must draw energy from a point in time when I am remembered, when I am significant. Today marks a year since I departed from this state and so by remembering me I was strengthened. I don't even know how I know that. I'm just glad you didn't think I was haunting you. That would really be too much like The Ghost and Mrs. Muir." They both laughed at his reference to another film that they were introduced to by Michael Garibaldi. That man lived for 20th century cinema. The humor allowed for more healing between them.
"Will you be around now until I can join you in the next plane?" she asked daring to hope.
"I don't think I'll be able to manifest myself all the time, but I'll be here when you need me." His voice was softly reassuring. "And I can come to you in dreams."
"It is enough" she stately definitively. They kissed tenderly and over the next few days reveled in the simple joys of sharing food, conversation and love. She only revealed his return to David, who familiar with Minbari beliefs was easily able to accept his father's presence in his life once again.
On the evening of their seventh day together John felt that this was his last night of solid form until there was once again a significant date of remembrance when he could appear to her. Together they accounted for those times and learned he would be able to manifest himself more frequently than he realized. Unclothed, they slipped into bed and held each other, savoring the comfort of their bodies.
"When you wake tomorrow, I'll be non-corporeal, but this time we'll both know that I will see you again." His expression was beatific and his heart was full.
"I know." Her face mirrored his expression. "Now more than ever I believe in the power of love. It brought us together and binds us throughout the stars and time."
"My beautiful Delenn." His words were like a prayer. She caressed his cheek equaling his reverence with her touch. Together they watched the dual moonrise from their bedroom window. He mused that he could now travel to those moons in a blink of an eye, and appreciated how he was to be able to experience the universe from this new perspective. He looked forward to returning to her and recounting tales of his experiences that were certain to be unlike any he ever had before. Gradually he brought sleep to her with his caresses and vowed to watch over her and keep her safe until she could join him in his realm. As dawn strode toward the horizon he disappeared, leaving her sleeping in light.