This Pain of Ours

Chapter 1: The Party Blues -

I am so tired of praying.

I know you hear my voice but you refuse to listen to me. I can feel you watching me, on my knees, praying to you like some supernova God. Like you're some being so unfathomable and magical we can only draw your face in the dead of night. I can feel you watching me as truthfully as my flesh is painfully woven into unwilling bones. If I wanted an audience I'd walk out of this closet and face those drunken fools drinking and partying their miseries away. You owe me anything I ask from you. You owe me everything for deciding that life was too hard and you could just walk away from the people that loved you - from me.

Hours, or maybe minutes, later, I heard a sudden tentative knock on the door, "Eli," a soft and gentle voice started, "are you in the closet again?"

Tired and resigned, I grabbed the beige coat hanging from the rack and neatly tried to wipe the tears fallen on my face, avoiding my eye line as carefully as possible knowing I would need an acceptable appearance whenever I could summon the courage to leave the comfortable suffocation of this closet. I stood from the space and tried to take a calming breath as the shaking tectonic music returned to my focus when the door banged and shuddered.

"E, come on open up, Brick said he saw you run in" I heard the door rattle and after a beat his feet shuffled closer, presumably. "Is it your mensies, girl?"

I covered my face with my hands and hoped he would go away. Hearing the door rattle again I groaned and thought heavily about throwing myself over the state building with an easy and painless death. But for my current somber mood feeling the physical pain is more guaranteed as a farewell wave to a weird life than anything else right now.

He continued, "...'cause if it is I can-"

"No, Jo, it's not my mensies..." I roughly rubbed my eyes. "...now please just go away" my voice cracked with my plea and I dropped to the ground again and the music slowly began to fade from my mind. I sat in the fetal position as hard as I could hoping for something to happen for me to not feel this agony anymore.

After a few seconds I heard his feet move away from the door and I hoped he would leave me alone, if only for a few seconds, but knowing Jo and his tenacity he'll just- "I'm coming in" the door handle rattled and seconds later the door opened wide, and the cold air rushed inside my misery of a haven. "Oh babe" I felt the cold air rush ahead of him as he swiftly kneeled in front of my tightened frame and hidden face and he grasped my arms, pulling them apart.

"Listen to me" he started, giving me a steely unapologetic stare, "You're here to have fun." He pressed, digging his cold fingers onto my sweaty skin. "Tonight, Eli, you're just another drunk and confused twenty year old," his eyes dug into mine, waiting for assurance, "Okay?" he waited.

I shook my head as I felt a cold wave of unwanted pain and he tightened his grip.

"Bitch," he shook his head and I knew I might as well walk out then, "I'm not gonna waste a good party just for you, okay" He hinted a smile my way; his brown diluted eyes unfocused and lazy. I almost laughed at him as I nodded my head. He helped me stand and removed my jacket and dropped it to the floor. I stared at him as he straightened my dress and redefined my hair curls.

"Thanks, Jo" I hesitantly tried to smile but I couldn't break through my emotions yet.

"You know I can't function without you by my side, babe" he grinned. Feeling the confidence Jo was trying to feed me I took a conscious breathe and prepared myself for the intoxicating scene of young drunk college kids.

As we walked out he said, "You owe me a drink for making me come out the closet twice in my life". He shook his head and this time I actually laughed as we walked through the house towards the table scattered with red cups.

"You laugh but it's true" he said and I laughed harder.

12:45 A.M.

I took a sip from the devil's red cup and frowned when I felt the now warm liquid brush past my lips and rush down my throat. Playing with the cup against my lips I turned to Jo and his face was pensive, staring straight ahead. I followed his gaze and realized what seemed to be bothering him. He was obsessing over his boyfriend, Calvin, who was bumping and griding on top of the counter with a drunk girl.

I'm not sure if Jo and Calvin are dating or just screw each other on a regular basis but whatever their relationship is, from where I'm sitting, Jo is not liking the female attention Calvin is drawing to himself.

The problem is Calvin is bisexual and Jo isn't, so that creates constant problems in their relationship - like Calvin flirting with girls while Jo sulks and complains in the corner. Shaking my head at their situation I placed my bitten cup on the table and removed my jacket, feeling sweat build up on my skin. I tried to pull down my skirt but the thing wouldn't budge. I regret letting Jo talk me into wearing a skirt this short, and it was so damn hot in this house.

"I mean he's doing this to make me jealous, like, he knows I'm here why else would he do that?" He pointed and turned to me and waited. "Eli" he said after a few seconds.

"What" I dragged myself away from observing the loud and chaotic room for lonesome green eyes to Jo's inspecting brown eyes.

He cocked his head, "Are you listening to me?"

Shifting my hair to the side I bent to grab my cup "You know what I think about Mr Calvin Clown over there"

"Eli -" he started his familiar defence for his boyfriend.

"No, he's a player and just wants you for sex, that's it" I pursed my lips, "that's the only reason he's keeping you around"

"Well, gee, thanks best friend" he turned back to staring at Calvin who was trying to help the girl climb down from the counter but they were both laughing too hard to focus on their current task. After a minute of watching the blonde brace herself on Calvin's shoulders so she could jump down, Jo muttered, "I'm still prettier than her, right?"

I smiled at him as his insecurities shined through his facade of confidence. "Girl, you're prettier than every person in this room, okay" I snapped my fingers as he straightened his back and flicked his hair, pursing his plump lips.

"They best recognize" he smirked and I couldn't help but laugh.

"BBBABYY!"

We both turned from our laughing to the loud voice as Calvin approached Jo with out stretched arms. He jumped on top of Jo and straddled his long legs on each side.

Calvin's sweat ran down his face as he looked down at Jo with his deliberate intense gaze. "Hey you"

"Hi" Jo said, trying to remember his anger but seeing it already start to melt at Calvin's gaze.

Calvin smiled at him, knowing that Jo was angry made the game more fun for him. He loved it because tearing him down to nothing but a weak and panting minion was fun.

"I missed you"

Jo looked away. "I've been sitting here," he emphasized, "the whole night"

Ignoring him like he always did, Calvin softly brushed his lower lip, feeling the sweat on his finger leave traces on Jo's skin. "Let's go upstairs"

Jo stared at the finger that was slow dancing on his lip and his breathing laboured, his chest almost heaving.

"I'm having fun here"

Calvin sighed, and looked away from him. He looked at me and his eyes drunkenly lightened, as if seeing me for the first time. "Heyyy, Miss sex appeal" he smirked at my skirt, returning back to my eyes.

"Mr I-have-no-life-goals" I smiled.

He leaned towards me and whispered, "My life goal is you right now"

Jo getting jealous, pulled Calvin away from my proximity and pushed him aside, then stood. "Okay, let's go upstairs" he said and grabbed his hand, nearly shoving his boyfriend's wandering eyes towards the stairs.

Watching the two disappear I felt my phone vibrate from the pocket of the tight skirt I was wearing. Shuffling through the slit I grabbed it and I groaned when I saw the caller ID.

A text from my Dad, read:

Eliana,

I miss you.

Please visit me soon.

Please Sweet Angel

I love you,

Dad.

Locking my phone, I tossed it back in my pocket and wished he would stop calling and texting me. I told him I'd visit again when I was ready. I loved my Dad. I really did but going home always hurt too much. Seeing his face near the edge of tears every time I would see him just hurt, it hurt a lot. It was his fault my mom was dead and I couldn't forgive him for that. I couldn't do that. I wiped a hint of a tear before it fell on my face and parted my long on each side of my shoulder, fixing my face.

I looked up and everyone seemed to be sweating more as the music became louder and rhythmically stimulating, for anyone drunk anyone. I wiped sweat from my forehead and as I was becoming more uncomfortable and sweaty I thought about leaving and instinctively turned towards the door.

Just as I focused my gaze the green eyed loner boy was rushing out the door towards the cool wind outside.

The

The end of Chapter 1

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