The Eden Complex
"In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness…"
"Unless you're atheist. In that case, God didn't do jack shit."
She rolled her eyes. "I know someone else who doesn't do jack shit…"
"Yeah well that's different. At least I'm real. The realest in fact." he announced proudly.
"Uh huh." she turned back to the book in her lap.
"Listen sweetheart, before you take that sarcastic tone with me, let me give you the alternative facts to this little story."
"What?"
"You heard me. The Bible is all wrong. Genesis is the wrongest of them all."
"Who cares? It's just a story to you."
"Stories can be rewritten, ya know."
"Not in my world." she countered.
"Oh baby, you don't know what you're missing out. It's not fun without a few more interesting details." he whispered close to her ear in a low, breathy voice.
She pushed his face away and grimaced as he threw back his head, laughing at her discomfort. "Gross. And I'm not your baby."
"Who cares? It's just a nickname." he imitated her previous tone and then smiled innocently.
Her eyes narrowed in annoyance. "You little piece of shi-" but he threw a pillow at her head and muffled out the rest of her sentence.
"Quiet. Father is speaking." he imitated her mother's condescending tone and cleared his throat before reciting in a priest-like voice, "In the beginning, there was Darkness. Then that fucker Light had to show up. That's when all the problems started; God was enthralled by the fact that he could finally see through the Darkness and created the moon, stars, the sea, the earth along with all that other bullcrap we don't fully comprehend even to this day. Then came his biggest mistake. He made living things. Things that move, communicate, breed and annoy the fuck out of you. Man and Woman were the most annoying out of these various creatures."
"Oh well you're definitely one of those." she whispered under her breath
"Shh, honey, don't interrupt. As I was saying, Man and Woman were the world's first bratty kids. They took everything from the other adorable little animals and colonised the Garden of Eden. The world's first British Empire."
She couldn't help but laugh at that.
He continued, "The angel Lucifer was particularly pissed that his father was favouring those two idiots before him and decided to play a little game. So he told pretty little Eve that the Forbidden Apple Tree™ would open up a whole new world of fun to her. One that the Father liked to keep all to himself. And so, just like all good little girls eventually do, she gave in to the temptation of eating that ripe, juicy, swollen-"
"I'm gonna stop you right there." she covered his mouth with one beautifully manicured hand, "If you're going to recreate the whole story, you might as well include the first feminist icon in the whole of creation."
He scratched his head, mildly confused, "Beyonce?"
She whacked him with a nearby calculator, "No dumbass. I meant Lilith."
"Who's that?"
"Well according to Jewish mythology, she was the first Eve."
"She's not the first Eve if her name is Lilith." he piped up.
"You love to ruin things, don't you?" she muttered through gritted teeth.
"Okay, okay I'll shut up. So spill, what do you think would happen?"
"According to the Jewish tale of-"
He cut her off, "Make it up, Ino. I don't care what Wikipedia told you."
"Fine." she spat, "Adam had performance issues and so Lilith left him for another man."
"But Adam is the only man on Earth."
"Well then God created a second man."
"That would be Adam and Eve's son."
"Oh you would love a disgusting twist like that, wouldn't you, you creep?"
He nodded approvingly, "Scandalous. I live off shit like that. So what happens after that? Does Lilith get punished for being a bad bad girl?" he waggled his eyebrows.
"In your dreams, Deidara."
"Well then, I have some hot nights to look forward to." he winked at her.