The animorphs does not belong to me. If it did, I would not only have more than 62p in my bank, I would also never have killed Rachel and given Tobias a break. The poor guy (Hawk?) deserves a break. Anyway, nothing's mine except the story.

This story is essentially what I think would have happened without the happy mistake that is Rachel. Rachel will be in it quite a lot because I love her, but she will not be an animorph. It's not a great first chapter, since I just wrote it while in writers block and havent editted it, but.....yeah

The Ellimist looked down on the Rachel with unconcealed disgust. He was not meant to feel anything for these wonderful creatures, these beings that he, beyond himself, could not help to love. They had saved the human race, and he had once thought that that was all that was required of them. Why should one care about five simple humans and an andalite aristh?

Holding no answers, only knowing that he felt sorrow at such a loss, but unable to explain why. It was not how it was supposed to have happened, that much was certain. The humans were meant to have survived, lived their lives finally free of any threat.

Jake was not meant to be the depressed shell of a human he now was. Of course, the constant battles had changed him, that was always going to be the case. He was never again going to be the fun loving boy who enjoyed a game of basketball or violent video games – safe in the knowledge that they were not real – but he was not meant to be this either. He was meant to be able to find some middle ground, some semblance of normality.

And Tobias, dear Tobias, the Ellimist had planned for him to be the bridge between Andalite and Human communications. After all, he was the only one who could claim to be part of both species'. He was meant to be a soldier, a communicator for both species', and finally find his place in the universe. Together, humans and andalites were meant to finally eradicate the yeerk threat, Tobias and his uncle fighting beside one another.

Cassie. Well, Cassie was doing what she had been born to do. She was striving for peace, for relations between species' that would not have come together for centuries had the Yeerks not come. Yet, her line with Jake had been cut. She and Jake were meant to be together, making Earth a better place. A unified planet striving to unify the galaxy.

Then there was Marco. Oh, how Marco had amused him. The son of the former Visser One's host body, he knew a little bit about sufferance, he had known how to lighten every dark moment. The Ellimist supposed Marco had gotten everything he wanted, until now. Until imminent death, but he had not been happy.

And Aximili, surrendered to the One, a being that the Ellimist knew and detested. There was no worse fate for the poor andalite, his destiny would also never come true.

None of it was meant to happen like this, the Ellimist knew. They were meant to have survived, all five of the humans and the young andalite. That had been the plan he'd had in mind, and now he realised what the four remaining animorphs had in common about their losses.

Rachel.

Had Rachel not died, Jake may have still been consumed by guilt and depression, but it would have been handled. He and Cassie would have fought through it together, working together to make the world a better place. Tobias would have been happy; he would have gone on to be the great senator and soldier he was always meant to be, with Ax at his side, far from the worry of the One. And Marco...Marco wouldn't be dying on the orders of a guilt-ridden friend and the almost suicidal plights of a bird.

Rachel had always been the accident. He had once called her a happy accident, a good mistake, and yet, now he was not so sure. Without her death, everything might have gone as planned. Could it also be said that without her involvement in the war, the same would have happened? Was she a happy accident, or just an accident?

He did not know, but at this point he was willing to try anything. It was too wrong for them to all die now, when the war was over. He could not allow it, but he could not change it without bending the rules of the game. Crayak's response would be the driving force that would change everything. If he allowed it, the Ellimist would allow the animorphs to decide, but he would be plagued wondering why Crayak had allowed it. If Crayak didn't...well, the Ellimist held a planet of Farrosgots that Crayak would love to try his armies on.

I WOULD ALLOW IT

The booming voice came to the Ellimist through the darkness, and he simmered angrily.

That is precisely the reason I should not be allowing it.

Crayak laughed, a sound that was terrifying to even the Ellimist, THE ANIMORPHS ARE DYING. PERHAPS WE SHOULD GIVE THEM THE CHOICE.

Why would you allow it? The Ellimist was suspicious. Crayak was not an endorser of life, human or otherwise. He had the suspicion that he already knew how this was going to end.

YOU ADMITTED YOURSELF RACHEL WAS AN ACCIDENT, Crayak boomed, BUT WITHOUT SAID ACCIDENT, COULD THE WAR HAVE BEEN WON? RACHEL WAS STRONG WHERE THE OTHERS WERE WEAK, THE YEERKS COULD WIN THIS TIME AGAINST YOUR STACKED DECK.

The Ellimist admitted to himself that it was probably true. He should not be doing this, he knew. The Human species had survived, could he really rest the lives of six billion people in the hands of four humans and an andalite this time? The odds were worse, more of them could die.

He resigned himself to his fate, bowed his gentle head. It was the only choice. If he started thinking in terms of figures and statistics, would he be any better than Crayak? With six billion human hosts, the Yeerks could conquer most of the free galaxy, but he would have to trust in those five beings once again, and hope they could succeed.

We will allow them to vote, he said at last.

Tobias.

"Ram the blade ship," Jake said, and the words seemed maniacal from his mouth. I smiled internally, as much as a bird can ever smile, and then began to morph to human as the ship accelerated. I wanted to be human as I died, or as human as I ever was. If there was something after death, the last thing I wanted was for Rachel to be complaining for the rest of my existence that I was still a hawk.

I morphed quickly, watched the screen ahead of us as we moved closer to the blade ship. I knew I had a maniacal smile that matched Jake's on my face. My first real human expression in over five years, and it was at the face of my own death, Rachel would have been proud.

Even if Rachel wasn't waiting for me on the Other Side, and God, how I prayed she was, at least it would be an end. Even if there was only darkness, a failure to exist any longer, at least the pain would stop.

At least I'd no longer have to wonder what could have been.

"Oh man, oh man, we're going to die" Marco was muttering beside me, "Jake, are you insane?"

Jake didn't reply, Marco muttered, "Oh, of course he is."

The hawk inside of me was calm. It didn't understand such matters. The Andalite inside me was proud. we would die for honour. The boy, he was somewhere between excited and scared. It made for an interesting mix of emotions.

We were about to hit. I was counting down the seconds until impact. I couldn't even look around as I did so, my eyes were glued to the screen ahead of me, to the thing that would finally cause my own death.

3.

The ship looked huge now, looming in front of us. I wondered if we would even kill the One, or whether our deaths would be in vain. I hoped Ax got the same peace we would. He would rather die than be a slave to anything.

2.

I remembered Rachel's smile. Not that dangerous smile that was now gracing Jake's face, but the nice smile she kept mainly for me. The smile when we were together, doing something human – normal, the way she always said she wanted to be, but I found difficult to believe.

1.

The world turned white.

I was surrounded by white light. Still facing straight on, there was nothing in front of me. I turned my head to the right, saw Jake and Marco. Marco still had his eyes clenched shut in anticipation of the impact. I didn't think he even knew we weren't still on the ship, that we were finally dead.

Finally dead...I had expected that if there was something there, Rachel would be waiting for me. Arms outstretched for me to just fall into. It wasn't the case, and something squeezed my heart.

I turned my head to the left, and there was Ax and... I squinted further. Was that Cassie? It couldn't be. Why would Cassie be dead with us?

Then it hit me, "are we dead?"

Not yet, the voice came back at me. I knew that voice, the Ellimist, or at least the voice he always displayed to us.

Ellimist, Ax said, and he made it sound like an expletive.

Part of me lost it then. I couldn't take it any longer, I shrieked, and the noise sounded more like it came from a Hawk than a human. I didn't care. I tried to lash out, tried to fall to the floor in tears. The tears certainly came, but the falling didn't. I was suspended in the air, suspended, unable to do anything except thrash at the air, trying to break free.

"Tobias!" Jake yelled, he sounded shocked. I didn't care, why should I care about anything he felt or thought? He was the one who made me like this. If he needed to send Rachel to her death, fine, but he could have sent her with backup...he could have sent me, so I could have saved her or died trying. He could have...

Even when he'd done something right, finally sentenced me to death, something had to come between me and it.

Stupid Tobias, I hissed at myself, never get your hopes up. You know that. Stupid, stupid Tobias.

The other animorphs were watching me. My friends - or at least they once had been. It didn't matter. I didn't care. None of them would understand, none of them had ever wanted death, except maybe Ax, trapped in his own body by the One. Ax would understand, he would be cold and logical about it, but he would understand.

"Tobias," Cassie spoke my name, but there was no shock in her voice, just awe, heartfelt awe.

Then I saw her, and my thrashing stopped entirely. I could still feel the tears running down my cheeks, but I didn't want to stop. She was there, in her morphing suit. Looking more beautiful than I could remember, the smile on her face that she saved just for me, I reached out, but I couldn't touch her. I needed to touch her, needed to hold her to me, make sure she was real.

But of course she's not, I reminded myself, not the way you want her to be, just an Ellimist trick.

She looked as though she wanted the same thing, both our hands came forward, so close, and yet hers passed through mine like a hologram. I was crying, glad I'd been in human morph, glad I had the chance to cry, but more scary was that she was crying too, glimmers of liquid shining on almost translucent skin.

I expected Marco to make a joke. Thats what should have happened, what would usually have happened, if Rachel hadn't been dead two years already, but he didn't make a sound.

I have come to give you a choice, the Ellimist said at last.

"No way," Marco said, finding his breath at last, "every time you come with some seemingly positive choice, it always ends up leaving us that bit closer to death."

You are going to die anyway, the Ellimist told him curtly, if I return you, you will have one second before the Rachel and the Blade Ship collide. The only Animorph that will remain will be Cassie.

Marco gulped, but I paid him no heed. I was still staring at Rachel, and her at me. I wanted to say something, anything, but now the opportunity was here all those perfect lines I'd rehearsed in my head back on the Rachel sounded dumb.

"In that case, bring on the choice," Marco allowed.

"I missed you," I said at last, and it wasn't enough. Wasnt enough to tell her how I felt, or how lost I'd been without her. I could tell her that, if we had been alone, and she would have listened and stroked my feathers and told me everything was going to be okay, because she loved me too, but we weren't alone, and it was all I could bring myself to say.

"I missed you too," she said, then looked around at the others, eyes landing on Cassie before jumping back to me, "all of you."

"even me?" Marco asked, kind of shakily.

"Even you," she laughed, and she seemed strangely at peace.

The choice, the Ellimist reminded us, Rachel was never meant to be an Animorph. She was a mistake, a happy accident I always called her, but maybe not so happy. Rachel's death tore you all apart, sent you on this suicide mission that would have been done by the Andalites in the timeline I had had in mind. Crayak and I have agreed that you could restart the war, from the night at the construction site...but Rachel would not be with you.

No one said anything, not that we'd been particularly communicative before this decision anyway. This wasn't like the old days of the animorphs, when we'd all have been laughing and joking with one another. This was a new era.

My first thoughts were wonderful. Rachel could be alive again, we could restart the war, I could be a human, a real human but with my morphing powers, and we could be together.

But Rachel would be a normal human girl again, no morphing abilities. Why would she want me? A dweeby bully-magnet? She wouldn't. She couldn't.

But she'd be alive, I reminded myself, and wasn't that what was important? That Rachel was alive, and happy, even if it wasn't with me?

"would we remember anything?" Rachel asked softly.

The Ellimist appeared beside her, popped into existence. We were used to his dramatics, but it still made me jump.

"Nothing," the Ellimist said solemnly, "it would be as though this timeline had never happened."

"would we win?" Jake said, just as solemnly.

"I can't tell you that," the Ellimist said.

"Can't? Or Won't?" Marco butted in, angrily, "and don't give us any of the usual BS, Ellimist."

"I can't. I do not know what the outcome would be," the Ellimist spread his hands, "there are many different outcomes. In some you win, in some you lose. In some none of you die, in some you all die."

"Odds would be nice," Marco said.

The Ellimist smiled, but it appeared more of a grimace, "the odds that you will win and all survive are very low indeed. But then, they always were," he paused, "you have five minutes."

"we need a vote," Jake said reluctantly, "majority wins. Cassie?"

I looked over at her; I could guess how Jake and Marco would vote, but Cassie had been silent, and we all rely on Cassie to be insightful; she was the one of all of us who was usually right. "I..." she paused, her eyes darted back to Jake, I knew what she was thinking.

Cassie was the only Animorph I had still talked to before Jake had found me. Not often, admittedly, but Toby and the other free Hork Bajir were the only family I had left, and I visited them sometimes, as did she as part of her job, we crossed paths.

Sometimes we talked, and although she was with Ronnie, and she was happy, I could tell he was no Jake. A good guy, but not Jake. Cassie knew that too, I saw it in her eyes when Ronnie held her. There was no intensity, I had no doubt she loved him, but not as much as Jake. She was seeing a passed opportunity; she was seeing a way that she and Jake could be together once again, if only she didn't give away the escafil device.

"Will this be like before?"She directed her questions to the Ellimist, "when I could break through into another timeline?"

"Perhaps," the Ellimist admitted, "you will get feelings of things that you may have done before, or things you had done before that now won't be done because of the lack of Rachel. But you're ability to see through timelines would not break the current one."

She stared at him for the longest time, so did I. I didn't know what she meant, or what his answer was supposed to mean, but it didn't matter, all that mattered was her vote.

"I don't understand," she admitted, "I don't understand how this will be different, but," she sighed, "to be able to try again? To save lives? Maybe have a cleaner war?" she looked at Jake, "I vote yes."

"A cleaner war," Rachel scoffed, "like not having me there will make it a cleaner war."

Now we all turned to stare at her and Marco laughed, "We wouldn't do half the crazy things we did when you were there, Xena."

He rushed on, "I think this is a bad idea," that was okay, I expected his vote to be a no, Marco had had everything he ever wanted anyway, I silently fumed, "I mean, everything that comes out this guys mouth is a bad idea," he gestured to the Ellimist, "or head, or whatever. I mean, am I the only one who remembers the Iskoort?" he rolled on, "and we're talking about the freedom of six billion people, including ourselves, to save our lives."

"Point taken," Jake said, "Ax?"

"No Jake," Marco said, "I'm in. Nothing we've ever done has been smart, why stop now?"

We all stared at him. That was not the answer I was expecting. He had his family back, he had his millions, his celebrity status...yes, he was about to die, but at least he'd enjoyed it for a small time.

"why?" Cassie breathed, she was perhaps the most shocked. It was not usual for her and Marco to be on the same side.

He shrugged, looked at me, and I saw – for the first time – not Marco the Selfish, or Marco the Strategist, but Marco the Person, and that person was a good person, a person who complained, and whined, and hated every moment of it, but had fought this war for life. For the sanctity of life. He was looking out for Jake's happiness, more than anyone's, but I could tell he was also looking out for me and Rachel. I twisted my lips into a smile...or tried to anyway.

"I'm not a fan of death," he shrugged, trying to sound light, "in fact, of all my favourite things in the world, death is way down the list along with Brussels sprouts and Monday mornings."

I silently mouthed thank you, not in Marco's direction. Towards the sky, maybe I was trying to commune with God.

Jake smiled too, but not totally as if he agreed, "Ax?"

"I will go where you lead, Prince Jake," ridiculous, of course. Ax was a War-Prince in his own right now, "but if I may be so bold, although the war would change without Rachel's involvement, drastically, I believe the decisions that resulted in us winning would mainly be intact. Those were your decisions"

"Don't call me Prince," Jake said, but he smiled, and I could see the thoughts racing through his mind. He had missed it, you could tell. The fun side of being an Animorph. He looked old, he was only eighteen, but he could have passed for forty. I hated that he'd sent Rachel to the Blade Ship, hated it so much, but right then, I couldn't bring myself to hate Jake. He'd been trying to do what was best, and besides, he hated himself much more than I ever could.

I thought he'd argue against it, I wasn't disappointed, "six billion people," he sighed, "my god, how can we be for this? How can we throw away the lives of so many people on the off chance that we might succeed? This time, if we lose, it is our fault."

Cassie looked uncomfortable, I hoped she wouldn't retract her vote now, prayed she wouldn't.

"But we did so many bad things," Cassie reminded him, "this could be our chance to put those right."

"Or do worse things," Jake sighed, "I don't know. I don't want a vote."

"You have to vote," I looked around angrily for the source of those words, realised with a start that I'd said them. Why was I pushing the issue? He was going to vote against us, against giving Rachel another chance, why was I so stupid? Yet I pushed on, "it's a group decision."

He shrugged, "I don't think we should do it," he turned to me, "I'm sorry but," he turned to Rachel, "you understand, I can't risk the death of six billion for...well, six."

"Thank you, Jake," Rachel's voice came through strong and heady, the way I was used to it sounding, "you're all being ridiculous!"

I looked at her, willed her with my eyes not to say what she was thinking, she shook her head brusquely, "we won, but I was there. I was the one who did the dirty work. When David was against us, I was the one who trapped him, at the end with Tom, I was the one who killed him, you need someone to do the dirty work to win!"

"Someone else can do it," I was pleading, "me, or Marco, we've always had that side in us."

"Have you?" she bit back, "it would kill you two. It would. No one else could live with themselves doing the things I did."

"I could," I argued, "it would be hard, but I could live with it. I lived with being a bird stuck in a forest eating mice and road kill for god's sake!" I was shouting. I never shouted at Rachel, but this time I needed to, how could she argue against this?

"you could," she whispered, "but Tobias, I don't want you to have to become me, or Marco, or anyone," she dropped her head, "I barely even wanted to be like me most days," she looked down, "and a selfish part of me is thinking that, without my part in the war, what will I be? A superficial idiot, that's what...I might even be infested. I don't want that. I mattered in this world...I don't want to not matter. Don't you understand? I want to live, but not at the cost that you will die, and for me to not even have mattered to risk that death for. Please understand."

I did, I desperately did, and in another time I might have voted against it; for her. But I couldn't, I couldn't make myself believe that Rachel would ever be infested, and she would be happy, and I would never have got the chance to feel love, never have got the chance to miss it. Maybe I was being selfish, but I really did just want her to be happy. I ignored the part of me that told me Rachel could never be happy without the war.

"My vote is that we do it," I said to Jake, trying to ignore what she was saying, I turned my gaze on her, "you will always matter".

"Rachel?" Jake asked.

"No," she shook her head, "I don't want this, not for me. I don't want to risk it, for the chance that maybe I'll get to be happy and normal."

Marco snorted, "What makes you think this is for you? This is for me. I want to live. Come on Jake, I'm your best friend, you don't want me dead do you?"

It seemed selfish, but Cassie gave me a wink and I knew she too realised that Marco was trying to force Jake into making the right decision. Jake paused. It was three against three. Ax would never make a decision. I was his shorm, but he had a taste of being captive already, and he did not want to go through that again. I understood.

"Okay," Jake said eventually, he had a small half smile on his face. He was willing to try, for life, for him and Cassie. Maybe even for Rachel, who knows, "let's do it."

"You have made your decision?" the Ellimist asked.

"We have," Jake nodded.

Then everything disappeared.