I have I think the figure is 187
reviews, and each of them has at least one word saying that the stuff I write
is somewhat okay! I'm so happy! And I KNOW I make more gay jokes than I really
should. Sorry, it's just that "gay" is the main adjective at my
school. If something sux, it's gay. It's nothing personal! I despise that
stupid, preachy, evil Dr. Laura. I also despise the makers of Swiss cheese, for
reasons I'd like to keep to myself, so, you know, whatever. If you don't
believe me, ask Si Blackie.
I, however, will not apologize for the jokes I crack about N'Sync, the BS Boys,
and (shudder) Britney Spears. If you like Harry Potter, well, then, I really
don't care, but the experinces I've had with die hard fans of all of those
three without liking Harry are enough to confine me in this sanitarium for five
years added on to my sentence of 900.
Enough of my ranting. Here is my latest story! Enjoy!
OOOO!!! One more thing! I am COMPLETELY SNOWED IN!!!!!!!!!!
The Christmas from H-E Double Hockey Sticks
(We are in Snape's dungeon. It is freezing cold, and everybody is shivering
violently involuntarily.)
Snape: N-n-now you sh-should h-have finished yo-your p-potions.
Hermione: Ex-excuse s-s-sir? C-couldn't you turn up th-the heat?
Snape (with an evil smile on his face): It i-i-is your punishment.
Ron: C-c-c-couldn't you j-just tell us i-in gr-gr-graphic detail about wh-what
happened t-t-to the P-Pam Anderson p-p-p-poster that u-used to be in your
o-o-o-office?
Snape: How did you know about that?
Ron: It's n-not ex-exactly hard t-to miss. It-it c-c-covers the wh-whole left
s-s-side of your wall, d-d-doesn't it?
(The rest of the class nods.)
Snape: N-n-never you mind ab-ab-about that.
(The class grumbles.)
RRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everybody except Snape: WOO-HOO!!!!!!!! CHRISTMAS VACATION!!!!!!
Parvati: You suck, Snape! And I can say that, because, guess what? You don't
have ANY control over us! C'mon, everybody! SNAPE SUCKS! SNAPE SUCKS!
Everybody: SNAPE SUCKS! SNAPE SUCKS! SNAPE SUCKS! SNAPE-
Snape: Before you allow me to take anymore points away from you, I must remind
you that this is DOUBLE potions, and that was the bell for the other classes.
Fifty points from Gryffindor! Dimwits.
Harry: Hey, Slytherin was saying it, too!
Snape: See if I give a care.
Malfoy: He favors us.
Dean (quietly): Patsy.
Malfoy: What did you say?
Dean: Um... Pastry. It's nearly lunchtime.
Malfoy: Oh, okay.
(Half an hour later.)
RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Parvati: Snape Su-!
Hermione: SHH! It might be Triple Potions!
Ron: It isn't! It isn't! It isn't! It isn't! WOO-HOO!!! CHRISTMAS VACATION!!!
OHHHH, MALFOY, YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Malfoy: Like to see you-
(Ron smacks him with a fish.)
Malfoy: OOWWW!!! Git! Kudos on the creativity in choosing weapons, thou-
(Hermione throws a picture frame at him, knocking him out.)
Harry: Hey, where'd you get the fish and the picture frame, guys?
Hermione: Down at the Fish'n'Frame store in Hogsmeade.
Seamus: Makes sense.
Lavender: Let's get going! CHRISTMAS BREAK!!!
Everybody: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pansy Parkinson: What about Draco?
Ron: Screw him! Snape'll take care of him!
Pansy: Yes, that's what I'm worried about...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Gryffindor common room is bustling with activity and salamader fireworks at
about six.)
Hermione: So, what are we gonna do over vacation?
Ron: I'm not studying until I get ten different hickeys.
Hermione: Harry, motivate him, will you?
Harry: Eww!
Ron: I'm gonna go scare the first years. See you! (He leaves)
Harry: I don't know, what do YOU want to do over vacation?
Hermione: Hmm. I'd help you save the entire wizarding world yet again, but I
don't think I'll be in the mood.
Harry: Me neither. Maybe we could get Neville to do that?
(They look at Neville, who is busy being poked by a bunch of humungus chickens
that strangely resemble George and Fred.) (Yes, GEORGE and FRED. Why does it
always have to be Fred and George?)
Hermione and Harry: Nah.
(A hoard of screaming girls are chasing when tall boy, and there are gaining on
him.)
Ron: AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!! PLEASE, GIRLS, PLEASE, THERE'S QUITE ENOUGH OF ME TO
GO AROUND!!!!!
Hermione: Ron?
Ron: THERE'S MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!
An unknown second year: Are you his girlfriend?
Hermione: N- (Sees Ron's desparate, pleading look.) Er... Yes. What are you all
doing with my man?
Each of the rough figure of about thirty girls: Oh. So SORRY. Didn't mean to
INTRUDE.
(They all give her a look of loathing.)
The girls: (whisper)
(The girls giggle fiercely.)
(Ron sits down next to Harry and Hermione.)
Ron (holding his neck): OWWW! They all act like vampires!
Hermione: How?
Ron: Oh, oh, no reason, just...
Hermione: Take your hands off your neck!
(Ron does so reluctently.)
Harry: What are those purple marks all over your neck?
Ron: Nothing, they're nothing!
Hermione: Hickeys!
Ron: NO! They're... curling iron burns!
(Hermione is counting the bruises.)
Hermione: Exactly ten! Ha!
Ron: I don't WANT to study!
Harry: How did YOU get ten hickeys in less than three minutes?
Ron: No idea!
Hermione: You didn't use a spell, did you?
Ron: If I could do a spell like that, you'd be licking-
Hermione: I don't want to know.
Ron: Just saying. I didn't put a spell on anyone!
Harry: It's probably just a prank. We're gonna go Christmas shopping tomorrow,
right?
Hermione: And we're going to meet Snuffles.
Ron: Let's go to sleep.
Hermione: Kaysies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Hogsmeade is snowy and windy and filled with students.)
Ron: Your mother will not POSSIBLY like that! A pot holder, Hermione? That's
for four year olds!
Hermione: Bit of an inside joke, you wouldn't get it.
(A girl comes running up to Ron.)
Ron: Oh, hi Parvati. What is up?
(Parvati grabs him forcefully, knocks him to the ground, and starts making out
with him.)
Hermione: Ooo, look Parvati, I see an Armani dress that's only 500 galleons!
(Parvati looks up)
Parvati: Where?
Hermione: Over there!
(Parvati runs away.)
Ron: (cough) What IS wrong with everybody?
Harry: Beats me.
Sirius: Woof, woof!
Hermione: Very funny.
Sirius: Grrrrrr.....
Ron: Ha, ha, this is a real problem, though.
Sirius: Aarrruuuuuuuu!!!
Harry: Will you shut up?
(Sirius rolls his eyes.)
Hermione: Oh! He's a dog!
Ron: To the rat cave, then?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sirius: So, what is a real problem?
Ron: That girls keep trying to rip my clothes off everywhere I turn! What
should I do?
Harry: Take a trip to the Playboy Mansion?
Sirius: Every girl?
Ron: Yes!
Sirius: What year is this?
Hermione: 2001.
Sirius: So it happens every 20 years...
Harry: What are you talking about?
Sirius: When did it start?
Ron: Last night! I have proof!
Sirius: What's the date today?
Hermione: December 15th.
Sirius: Exactly every 20 years...
Harry: What are you going on about?
Sirius: Let me tell you a story of twenty years ago. It was 1981, and I was in
fifth year, along with your dad, Harry, Pr. Lupin, Wormatail, and Stinky, which
was our name for the pet latex glove we had.
Ron: Oh, I've heard of those. My mum says they're expensive to keep. What do
they eat?
Sirius: The remains of a bull that was sacrificed to Cher.
Hermione: What?
Sirius: It was a fad back then. Anyway, we were doing our Christmas shopping,
and we stopped at a certain store called Fish'n'Frames. Do you know how old
that shop is?
Hermione: It dates back to before Phonecian times.
Sirius: Correct. Now, I saw it today, and it's as busy as it always was,
because people will always need fish and picture frames. There was a rumor
going around at that time about a boy named Obnoxious Pete.
Harry: Why was he so obnoxious?
Sirius: Well, it was said that when the Fish'n'Frames shop opened, he was the
founders son. He was supposed to be a big tattletale, and instead of swearing,
he told what the words meant. Like, instead of bastard, he said
"illegitamate child". Instead of bitch, he said, "female
dog". Instead of damn, he said, "d-word." And instead of hell,
he said-
Ron: No...
Sirius: Yes. The dreaded, most obnoxious of them all: H-E Double Hockey Sticks.
(The three teens wince)
Sirius: I know. Well, he never, ever had a girlfriend, and he was sixteen, so
that was everything to that rancher of acne. There was this one girl, they
called her Wily Wilmenia, that he had a crush on. So, what he did, was that he
took a fish, and gave it to Satan, in return for overpowering magnetism of
girls. Satan said that once Obnoxious Pete touched the fish, he would have his
wish granted within twenty-four hours.
Hermione: So, what happened? Didn't he get Wily Wilmenia?
Sirius: No, that's what everyone was so confused about. He didn't get Wily
Wilmenia. He was heart-broken. He was going to jump off a cliff, but before he
did, he put a curse on the magic fish, saying that any boy that picked it up
would have the same dilema he did. The fish would resurface from Hell every
twenty years. When they found Obnoxious Pete's body, he was covered head to toe
in hickeys.
Harry: Poor guy.
Sirius: Yeah. I thought it was just an urben legend. That was before I picked
up Wormtail's Christmas gift. The fish was old and rotting, but since he was a
rat, I figured he wouldn't care. Then the 40 year old shopkeeper started
swapping spit with me.
Harry, Hermione, and Ron: Ewww.
Sirius: It was very traumatizing. My girlfriend, her name was Arabella Figg,
started not wanted to be my girlfriend anymore, and not just for the fact that
every five seconds some strange girl would come up and grab me in... certain
places.
Hermione: I could have done without that image.
Sirius: They'll start doing the same to Ron! I'm surprised you're not all over
him, Hermione!
Harry: So, how'd you get rid of it?
Sirius: I had to touch the fish again. It was kept in a glass case that said,
"Please do not break". So, I couldn't get to it. Then Arabella
punched the glass and shoved my hand into the box. I touched the fish, and that
was the end of that nightmare.
Ron: But I don't know where the fish is!
Sirius: Well, then, be prepared to live a life full of alchohol and meaningless
snogging for the next twenty years. Then find the fish. By the way, did you
guys bring me any food?
Harry: How's the Pygmy Blue-Plate special sound?
Sirius: I've never heard of it. Where did you get it?
Hermione: They made a new restaurant called, "Ye Olde Savage".
Sirius: Beats the H-E Double Hockey Sticks out of rats.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(We are in Hogwarts, right outside Slytherin entrance)
Ron: Um... Pure Blood?
(The potrait opens)
Ron: You'd think they'd change it after four years.
(He gets knocked down by a feroucious looking girl with a unibrow)
Millicent Bulstrode: Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Mwaa Mwa Mwa!!!
Ron: AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! EWWWWW!!!!! GET OFF ME!!!!!
Millicent: (giggle) Ooo! You're SO strong!!!
Pansy: Get off him! The boy is mine!
Millicent: Didn't you're mother ever teach you how to share, Brandy?
(Pansy and Millicent start kissing Ron. Ron is suffocating under the weight.)
Malfoy: HEY!!! PANSY!!! Get off of Weasley! You're MY girlfriend! Expelliarmus!
(The two girls fly off of Ron.)
Malfoy: What are you doind in here, Weasley?!
Ron: You know that fish I smacked you with?
Malfoy: How did you find out the password?
Ron: Well, I need it back. Do you have it?
Malfoy: How do you know that it's been the same for four years?
Ron: It's in your trunk?
Malfoy: You used Polyjuice Potion?
Ron and Malfoy: I didn't say that.
Malfoy: It's in my trunk, but you can't have it.
Ron: Why?
Malfoy: BECAUSE!
Ron: Oh. I understand. Could I just SEE it, then?
Malfoy: As long as you don't touch it.
Ron: I have to!
Malfoy: Then you can't see it!
Ron: Fine, then, be that way! I hate you! You're not my friend anymore!
Malfoy: FINE! I hate you, too!
(Ron runs out so Malfoy doesn't see him crying, and Malfoy goes to his dorm so
Ron doesn't see him crying.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Out in the corridors)
McGonagall: Excuse me! If you are a student, then I STRONGLY suggest you- oh.
Hello, Ronald.
Ron: Oh, dear God...
(McGonagall is walking slowly up to him, twirling her hair, her eyes focused on
Ron.)
McGonagall: You know what would be an easy way for you to get an A in my class?
Ron: AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Ron runs screaming, with McGonagall chasing him.)
McGonagall: Oh, Ronald! It wouldn't be so bad! Don't worry about the age thing!
Everyone is going to die anyway! PLEASE, Ronald, PLEASE!!!
Ron: AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!
(Ron starts pelting Nerf balls at her.) (How did he get Nerf balls? Sirius
advised him to do this)
McGonagall: COME ON, Ronald! There is nothing wrong with me!!!
Ron: The glaciers formed the Great Lakes when you were twenty, damnit!
(McGonagall is apparently a lot faster than she looks. She is gaining on him.
Ron looks up, and sees a string hanging from the ceiling, as an attic would. He
pulls it, stairs come down, and he climbs them, rapidly pulling them up before
McGonagall saw them.)
Trelawny: What's that?!
Snape: Who's there?!
Ron: (choke) Snape?
Snape: Weasley?! GO AWAY, NOW!!!
Ron: Gladly!
Trelawny: Which Weasley?
Snape: My love, what does it matter?
Trelawny: Not RONALD Weasley?
Snape: (sigh) Yes, now what is so-
(Trelawny comes over. In the firelight, her glasses glinted, making her look
like she had x-ray vision. This didn't comfort Ron.)
Trelawny: Tell, me, Ron, do you like my class?
(Ron is sweaty and is stamping his foot on the floor to try to get the door
open, but to no avail)
Ron: Um... yes... it's very, erm, interesting.
Trelawny: What do you find most intriguing about it?
Ron: Er... probably, um... reading frog guts was pretty cool...
Trelawny: What about me?
Snape: SYBILL!!!
(The door finally flings open, and Ron lands right on top of Hermione.)
Hermione: What the-
Ron: RUN!!!
(Obeying, Hermione and Ron dash all the way to Gryffindor tower.)
Hermione: What was that all about?
Ron: The grossest things just happened to me! Snape and Trelawny were-
A bunch of girls: EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S RON!!!!!!!!! GET HIM,
GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME,
HERMIONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hermione: Um... Er... Um...
(The girls have made a circle around him, like lions would to prey.)
Ron: Before I die, please!
Hermione: Choreo!
(The girls all start dancing uncontrollably.)
Ron: To the boys dorm! Now!
(Hermione and Ron run to the boys dorm.)
Harry: What's up?
Hermione: Ron!
Ron: Malfoy wouldn't let me see the fish, and (sniff) he said that... that he
hated me.
Harry: Aww, sweetie, I'm sure he didn't mean it.
Ron: OF COURSE HE MEANT IT!!!
Hermione: Oh, hey, Ron, I got you something.
Ron: WHAT!?
Hermione: The fish you smacked Malfoy with? It wasn't the fish Sirius was
talking about.
Harry: How can you know?
Hermione: Because then every girl and her sister would be flinging themselves
on top of HIM, too.
Ron: Well, then, where IS the fish?
Hermione: It's a Christmas gift, from me to you. Seeing as how it's Christmas,
I feel I should give it to you.
Ron: Really? Oh, wow, THANKS Hermione!
(She hands him a box.)
(Ron opens the box.)
A voice from the box: NOOOOOO!!!!! Don't touch the fish!!!
Harry: Hey, aren't you Obnoxious Pete?
O.P.: Yes, what's it to you?
Harry: You ARE obnoxious.
(Ron touches the fish.)
O.P.: BUT IT"S CHRISTMAS! HOW COME EVERY BOY TOUCHES THE FISH AGAIN EXCEPT
ME?!?! I'M DOOMED TO SPEND ALL ETERNITY IN H-E- DOUBLE HOCKEY
STICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ron, Hermione, and Harry: You deserve it!
(A fierce wind starts coming from the box.)
(Ron closes the box.)
Ron: Well, Hermione, you really saved this from being the Christmas from H-E
double hockey sticks.
Hermione: Yes.
Harry: What's wrong, 'Mione?
Hermione: Ron, oh, I LOVE YOU!!! AND YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!!
Ron: And here I was thinking you're the cleverest witch in the year! I have a
big ass crush on you!!!!
Hermione: You do?
Ron: Uh-huh.
Hermione: Want to find a janitors closet and make out?
Ron: YES!!!
THE END
(Arabella shakes her head) Tsk, tsk, what cabin fever does to me.
Review! If you don't like writing reviews, just put a :) if you like it and :(
if you don't! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suki China-Lantern
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=20004 ( Signed Review ) 12-25-2000 11:49 PMThis was hella
funny dude! :)
Si blackie
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=26654 ( Signed Review ) 12-18-2000 02:04 PMWhy does this
make me crack up???????????? Fish'n'Frames! hillarious. I know there was an
inside joke I just forgot it. I will e-mail you then I will call u.
BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Ginny_Fairy 12-17-2000 11:29 AMonce again, it was
GOOD! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
ALLI 12-16-2000 07:29 PMWHATS UP WITH THE FISH'N FRAME
STORE?
Cali
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=25960 ( Signed Review ) 12-14-2000 02:26
PM:-)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
An Invisible Tomorrow index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=27546 ( Signed Review ) 12-13-2000 07:47 PMYAAAAAAAY!
HERMIONE AND RON 4EVER! WOOHOO! *dances around the room* Okies, got that outta
my system... this is a cool story... lol... snape and trelawney! cool!
Hermione L. Granger
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=9626 ( Signed Review ) 12-13-2000 06:31 PMLOL!! Very
funny, loved the end!!
Robotic Chickens
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=28877 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 08:02 PM::clap clap:: So
strange, but so good.
*~A White Rose Petal~*
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=20232 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 07:48 PMNow THAT was
interesting...hehe
GinnyPotter
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=22029 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 07:02 PM"And here I
was thinking you're the cleverest witch in the year! I have a big ass crush on
you!!!!" That was just perfect!!!! ANd Fish 'n Frames had me laughing out
loud. Absolute meaningless fun -- just great!
DeLila index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=24549 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 03:41 PM:)
Wyrren Potter
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=25851 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 03:05 PMNow this was
weird. But it was good.
Silverflame silverflamel@quidditch.zzn.com 12-12-2000
02:01 PMI swear, we must go to the same school or something. We have a snow day
too, we have the same er, adjectives, and for some reason, my best friend is
giving her mom pot holders for Christmas! Weird, huh. Oh, and =)
Trinity Day
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=4461 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 12:27 PMWeird. But at
least there's a reason for using H-E Double Hockey Sticks in your title. I,
too, find that *incredibly* annoying. Then, on a more chatty basis, you have a
snow day today, too? Don't you just *love* the snow?
*Ginny*
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=26005 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 11:51 AMlol that was
funny... strange... but funny
college girl index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=18320 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 11:28 AMThat was
strange!!But, it was sooo funny!!
LightningDancer
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=23715 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 10:55 AMAlright,
"where'd you get the fish and frames?" "From the Fish n' Frame
store!!" I mean duh, Harry, *obviously*!!! LOL, I loved it!!
Morgana le Fay (signed out) managirl19@aol.com
12-12-2000 10:24 AMlol! Hilarious! well worthy of a SNOOOOOOOOOOW
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! *runs amok*
AngelFly
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=25827 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 10:18 AM:O) CUTE!!
Stargirl
index.fic?action=Directory-AuthorProfile&UserID=29516 ( Signed Review ) 12-12-2000 09:26 AMYou're school
and my school are very alike, you hear the word 'gay' being used like every 10
seconds instead of sucks. That was very funny. I love the fish 'n' frames
store. Where could I find that? Anyways, that was funny, funny, funny, don't
mind the repetition, I'm trying to write a long review. I like getting them, so
I'm assuming that you like to get them too. Anyways, I can't wait to see more
of yours stuff. You're very funny, and stuff, and now I'm starting to babble on
and on, but still, I'm going to keep writing for a bit. Come out with the next
comedy thingy soon, and now I feel that this review is long enough, is it?
Well, it better! ~Stargirl~
iamtheanonymous 12-12-2000 09:02 AM:)
clara200 12-12-2000 08:46 AMWeird fic. the part with
the teacers chasing him was cool. gross