All Of Me
(CLARKE)
The echo lasted seconds, but it felt like minutes. The thudding pulse in my ears overtook everything, except the flip of my stomach and the taste of bile in my mouth. I almost fall backwards, my sense of self gone. The cloud rises up, alerting the grounders that our people are dead. We are alone.
"No," I gasp, sinking down to the floor. I barely notice the moisture of the ground seeping into my jeans or the mud underneath my hands as they push into the earth. My chest constricts with every breath and my eyes blur furiously with every moment. Choked gasps escape my lips, as painful as breathing with barbed wire round my throat. My Mom was supposed to be on that drop ship...
I start sobbing, pressing my forehead to the soil and shrieking into the floor, swollen with pain. She died thinking I hated her.
I forget Bellamy is there until I feel his arms wrap around me, and I cry louder.
"Clarke," Bellamy sighs, and he grips my shoulders and pulls me upright, yearning me to meet his eyes. I keep them tightly shut, hating my weakness, and hating that he had to be the one to see them. "Please, look at me."
I choke and open my eyes, recognising him even through my blurred vision. His hand tucks the wet hair away from my eyes and behind my ears. His eyes are strong like always; but I can sense his mask faltering. He must understand what this means for us, for our people. No help.
"It was just supplies, your mum isn't coming down for a few more days." I gulp in air and his idea, wishing with my whole heart that it was true. "We need to get inside, Princess."
I shake my head, not wanting everyone to see me like this. It was bad enough that Bellamy had witnessed this. I wished I was locked in the cell on the Arc again, alone with only the drawings on the walls to keep me company.
"We need to- need to go to the crash site." I tell him, pushing away from him so his hands fall from my shoulders. "We need to go now."
"It's too dark. The grounders will-"
"The grounders will be there before us!" I shout. "I need to find my mom!" Determined, I stand, unsteady on my feet as I shove Bellamy away from me. "She's probably injured-"
"Anyone on that drop ship will be dead, you knew that the second it fell from the sky." Bellamy bites back. "Nobody is leaving this camp unless it is on my terms; the grounders will kill us the second we go out in this dark."
I take deeper gulps of air. "You only care about yourself!" My voice gets weaker but louder with every word. He says nothing, so I start pacing towards the direction of the crash. "I will go alone if I have to."
"Clarke you are being goddamned stupid!" I swing back as he gets a good grab on the side of my jacket. His eyes are faltering now, his facade falling down. Before I can accuse him of actually feeling something, I realise I can't speak, or breathe.
I'm panting, but no air is coming in and out. My throat is constricting tighter and tighter, fluttering with the rapid pulse of my heartbeat. A panic attack, my mum called them. I had seen handfuls of them, and I always wanted to say to my mum's patients just breathe, it's easy. I never realised they felt like this. My neck stings, and I realise I'm scratching at it, trying to rip my skin like the air would be able to get in.
"Clarke, you need to calm down or you'll hurt yourself." Bellamy is suddenly facing me, his hands pulling my arms away from my neck. There's an emotion in his eyes I had only ever seen when Octavia had gone missing, fear. He presses his forehead against mine momentarily.
"Please Princess, I- we need you. You can get through this." I can't hear his voice over my sobbing, just the thudding in my ears. Frantically I push away his arms and start attacking my throat again.
I don't hear him say "I'm sorry," I just feel the blow to the back of my head and then everything is black.
(BELLAMY)
Clarke falls limp in my arms, her heart beat going mad against my chest. Not wanting to drop her, I place my arms under her legs and on her back, cradling her in my arms bridal style.
Guilt shreds at my chest. She's going to hate me when she finds out I knocked her out, but I couldn't stand her to see her hurt herself anymore. I see the blood caked underneath her fingertips and flinch. I don't understand why I feel like this; I've practically gone from wanted to cut off her hands to wanting to.. take care of them.
Her lips part slightly, a breath escaping her lips. When her heart slows down enough, I decide to take her into camp, worried by the increasing darkness outdoors. It's weird, Clarke being so strong, yet so soft and light to hold.
"Open up, it's Bellamy!" I shout to whoever is on duty when I reach the gate. The guy gives me a confused look but he holds the gate open wide enough for me to carry Clarke through.
Most people have gone inside their shelters, probably drunk and passed out, oblivious to the death of most likely hundreds in that drop ship. When I told Clarke they were supplies, I knew it wasn't true. They wouldn't waste a load of resources on a bunch of fuck ups like me. I look at Clarke then, the opposite of a fuck up, her peaceful features a stark contrast to their usually serious nature.
She looks beautiful.
I reach my shelter and awkwardly push my way through the cover with Clarke in my arms. "Anyone in here get the hell out." I say, not too loud to wake her up. Some girl I can't remember the name of looks up at me sheepishly, obviously wasted. I glare at her and she gets the message, clutching her shirt to her as she scurries out half naked.
I lay Clarke down as softly as I can and cover her with a blanket. She moans softly and clutches the blanket to her chest, already asleep.
I spend the night watching over her, ensuring she isn't alone when she wakes up. I stay a couple of meters away, sitting cross legged and leaning against the side of the shelter; praying that when she wakes up she's still the feisty princess I know.