Sometimes it was really bad, with her naked body shivering with cold, on the hard floor. With this gentle voice whispering to her words about her rotten soul, about darkness inside her, tempting her to do things she didn't want to. Sometimes she didn't even know who she is, where she is, why she is where she is, why. Was life different? Lifetimes ago, did she really used to feel sun and wind on her skin and laugh and drink coffee and cast spells? Was any of this even real? She had her memories, but- weren't they fake? Voice above was so sure, so constantly present. Were there times she didn't use to hear it? Was the voice lying or her memories, pictures in her mind?

Could her memories about sweet, fierce Jill Dragomir be fake? About Jill who was more a sister to her than Zoe, about Jill with soft curls and innocent smile, delicate and perfect? Could her memories about tough and reckless Angeline be fake? Angeline, who could turn everything into a mess, Angeline, who was a beautiful disaster? Could her memories about Eddie be fake? Eddie, who she had to trick, to save him, Eddie, her protector, her brother, her friend? Eddie, sweet, strong Eddie, she admired and loved? Could her memories about Rose be fake? Sarcastic, beautiful and wild Rose Hathaway, so loyal and so passionate? Could her memories about Dimitri, Neil, Lissa, Sonia, all these dhampires and Moroi she's ever met be fake?

Could they?

In her darkest hours, she let go and started to believe that , maybe, yes. Maybe they all were fake. Maybe these people, weren't people; maybe Jill never treated her like a sister, maybe she never laughed with Angeline and Eddie, never talked about her secrets with Rose, maybe she wasn't saved by Dimitri, never, never hugged Sonia.

But then she sticked to one though, one last silver lining: even if all these people were in fact monsters , even if all these memories were just lies, Adrian wasn't.

Adrian wasn't a lie. Her memories about Adrian were clear and strong and full of love, unconditional love, overwhelming, powerful love, which used to make her fly. Adrian who loved her. Who needed her. Who stood by her side, no matter what. Her match, her partner in crime, her Adrian, her flame in dark, which kept her sane during sleepless nights and torture sessions in which she was made to deny herself and deny her identity and deny her beliefs.

Adrian who never really left her.

She remembered his touch; flames on her skin, as he caressed it, his soft lips and tender hands. She remembered the softness of this hair and how she tangled her fingers into them. She remembered how he used to call her name; it was different on his lips, like something sacred, like something holly. She remembered timbre of his voice as he called her goodness, warrior, most beautiful creature which has ever walked on this earth, as he looked into her eyes and told her that they are like molten gold.

She held every precious memory, even the smallest one, inside her. And when everything was crashing down, when she felt like falling down, down, deep inside the darkness, she recalled them all, to give her strength to defend herself. Some of these memories were powerful, really. Their first night together saved her more times than she could count. Their first kiss. This moment, when they eyes met for the first time. First, first, first. And last- last time she sow him.

Every joke, every touch, kiss, word. Adrian. It was all she had. Her remedy, her clarity, her sanity. Her flame in dark, lightening her way.

And thought that maybe, maybe one day they'll meet again and she would say: ''Center hold''. Cause they were the center.