Two years ago today, I was one of the many sixteen year olds standing in line at the Choosing Ceremony. For most, it was the day they returned to their old faction, and their family, as adults. But for others, it was the day they followed their instincts, or their aptitude test results, and shed their blood into a different faction's bowl, in hopes of finding their real place in the system.
For me, it was the day I traded my gray clothes for black ones, and finally escaped my small Abnegation shell and my father.
For me, Choosing Day meant freedom, and life, and long-awaited happiness. Sometimes, I wonder why I was punished with the cruel parent. Out of all the happy, loving, caring families I could have belonged to, I was left with the one that; well, wasn't. Now, I think of it as a blessing, instead of a curse. Growing to believe the worn-out saying, "Faction Before Blood," was much easier for me than most in my age group.
Two years ago, today, I was one of the 6 transfers in my small initiate group. I was good- very good. I ranked first, and naturally, I was offered a government position. Power, however, wasn't something I sought. Those who have it, tend to lose themselves in it. Power turns people into monstrous addicts, and they don't even realize what they are. I've seen it happen, and it's not something I want to happen to me. So, I declined. Instead, I chose to train new initiates and work in the control room, positions I believe to suit me better.
Now I walk down the long hallway to the dining hall, smiling and nodding all the right times while my best friend Zeke babbles on about some funny incident or other. My other friends, Lauren and Shauna, look just as interested as I am. At least they're actually following along the story.
"Four! Foouurrr? Shauna has to pretty much shake me awake from my trance so I don't walk into the double doors leading to the café and dining hall. I give her a crooked half smile and follow my friends in.
Something inside me is screaming, ordering me to finally tell them about my plan. That I will leave them forever to join the Factionless and my mother, after just a few weeks, when initiation is over. But the other part, the part that is my heart, is begging me not to go at all, to just stay with them and live my life in fear of the leaders and this new, twisted version of Dauntless.
This silent war inside of me is threatening to make me explode on the inside, to drive me crazy. But I resist. Life goes on, right? I've got to live with my decision of leaving, because I've made it now.
"Lauren, should we go? The initiates should be off their first train in a few minutes." As I stand up and dump my tray in the garbage, Lauren falls into step beside me.
"You okay?" Lauren's face is wrinkled into familiar worry lines. That's Lauren, always wanting to make life better for everyone else. Sometimes I wonder why she didn't join Abnegation or Amity.
"Yeah, never better. Why?" I say, even though my heart is straining otherwise. Is it that easy for everyone to tell I'm not okay? I have to change the topic, to avoid telling Lauren, and then deciding not to go.
"Alright, then. Who do you think will be the first jumper?" Lauren changes the subject for me.
"Probably a Dauntless born or an Erudite. The Dauntless born know the compound in and out, so they know what's at the receiving end of the pit isn't dangerous. The Erudite will be next to figure out that Dauntless won't kill their initiates right after they were chosen."
"Good answer. Very educated answer. Are you sure you're not an Erudite under cover?" Lauren jokes. I let the corners of my mouth twitch slightly, but don't fully smile. For some reason, I don't smile fully that much. I guess nothing makes me genuinely happy enough.
By now, we have reached the net, and I can hear Max, one of the Dauntless leaders, talking to the initiates. Daring them to jump. I can barely make out the back of his shirt, before he steps away. A small, dark figure replaces him.
I signal with my hand, and the Dauntless gathered for the jumps disperse into the shadows. The figure turns around to throw something, and then quickly jumps off the ledge. The whole way down, he or she remains silent. Finally, they drop into the net, letting out a hysterical laugh-sob. I can see enough make out that it's a girl, wearing… Abnegation clothing! I usually avoid physical contact, but suddenly, I find myself thrusting my hand out along with all the others, my body acting of its own accord.
And the lithe little Abnegation takes it, my hand. I should not feel this exhilarated just through touching a girl I haven't even met yet, but I just can't stop myself. Something about her makes me want to spill the secrets to her that I worked so tediously to bury, that not even my best friends know about me.
I pull her off of the net, and she slips, not completely on her feet yet. I move to steady her, and she looks up at me.
"Thank you." Her voice is clear, and you wouldn't be able to tell she had just jumped off of a seven story building. In her eyes, I see the fire and determination that makes up the true meaning of Dauntless. This girl deserves to get past initiation- she is what Dauntless really needs. Sadly, she probably won't, considering her height and build. I find myself hoping anyway. Her gray-blue eyes are sharp and decisive, and I have to pull myself away from them; from her.
"Can't believe it. A Stiff, the first to jump? Unheard of." Lauren says, smirking at the girl. I feel anger bubbling up inside of me. Lauren always underestimates the bravery of my former faction. Come to think of it, almost everyone does. I know by experience, however, that bravery and selflessness often go hand-in-hand.
"There's a reason why she left them, Lauren." I snap. Then I turn back to the girl, only to lose myself in her eyes again, briefly.
"What's your name," I ask. She hesitates, so I add, "Choose carefully, you'll only pick once." A faint smile tugs at my lips.
"Tris. My name is Tris," She says firmly, as if leaving no room for argument. I wonder faintly whether she thinks someone will argue with her, try to prove that her name isn't Tris, which I'm sure it initially wasn't.
"Tris." Laren repeats, grinning. "Make the announcement, Four." I turn towards the crowd, and shout, "First jumper-Tris!" Dauntless pull themselves from the shadows, and cheer for her from beneath us. The platform we are standing on is ten feet in the air, thankfully not high enough to trigger my fear. I can feel Tris' eyes boring into my back, and suddenly, all of my thoughts fly out of my head. I grit my teeth. Stay focused, a voice whispers in my head. Thankfully, a scream pierces the air at that moment and a Candor comes crashing, yelling into the net. The Dauntless laugh, and then cheer.
Why, again, am I leaving this haven of laughter and bravery and happiness and… And Tris?Stay focused. I sigh, turning my attention back to the net. But my thoughts keep straying to the small Abnegation girl with sharp, gray-blue eyes.
Finally, I set my arm gently on her back. "Welcome to Dauntless, Tris."
I can suddenly definitely wait until initiation is over and I have to leave Dauntless forever.