If Cloud could have seen the look of unholy glee on his lover's face when he answered his phone, he would have thrown the piece of metal away.

"You want to what?!" Cloud squeaked. No, he should burn it, throw it away and light the trash bin on fire.

Zack grinned, sniggering at the sound of utter shock in the blonde's tone. "Phone sex. Ya, know, getting hot and heavy over the waves? You and me baby. We're hot in reality, and we'll be hot over the phone too." Zack turned slightly, making sure he was still alone before putting the phone to his chest as he burst into laughter.

Cloud spluttered on the other end, trying hard to think of some excuse to stop yet another example of Zack's madness.

Please, please Gaia, don't let it be contagious.

"Oh come now baby," He positively crooned. "You know that there are worse things we could be talking about." Cloud paled, blinking suddenly wide eyes. Then maybe after it was done burning, he could throw the ashes in a mako pool!

"Like?" Somehow, he knew the moment that word left his mouth that was a really bad question.

"Hmmm. Lets see." Zack could feel a rather evil smile stealing over his face "Hojo and Scarlet getting it on. In public." Cloud squeaked again, this time his tone was that familiar one of utter horror. "Or what about .... Rude, and a Beachplug. Oh ho, wait, actually - it has tentacles, yes? Tentacles are good and kinky as hel-"

Cloud made some rather desperate choking sounds on the other line, which Zack had to admit (if only to himself) concerned him. "Cloud, baby? You all right or do I have to leave my station and disobey orders to come rescue you?" He listened to Cloud choke for a bit, then the noises stopped, the sound of only Cloud's rather harsh breathing, away from the mouthpiece. "Cloud? Does that mean I actually do get my Phone Sex?"

He could practically feel the glare he knew his Chocobo-head was wearing, aimed at that poor phone.

If only he knew Cloud was imaging the phone's poor mashed bits at the bottom of the ocean.

"I'm fine. And if you did manage to get here from wherever the blazes you are, you deserve the punishment."

"Ouch, Spike. That hurt. Right here."

A stony silence was his answer.

"Fine. Phone sex is a no then."

"Yes."

Purposely misunderstanding the answer, Zack perked up. "Yes to the Sex?"

"NO!"

".... Are you sure bout that? 'Cos I'm sure we ca-" Cloud interrupted him mid-word.

"Zack!" when Cloud's voice hit that high he could normally only gain during orgasm, Zack let out a sad huff, backing down.

"All right all right..." Zack waited to hear his Spike's sigh of relief. "But just wait until you get that vibrator I got you the other day..." Cloud squeaked again, causing that chuckle of Zack's that always made Cloud color in mortification.

"Zack!!"

The sable haired SOLDIER was a stubborn bastard. If he couldn't get his kicks one way, he just resorted to another...

~*&*~

A/N.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VII. I just delight in torturing poor, molestable Cloud in any way I can. Momo, Knight, I blame you two entirely for this :P

This was partly inspired by Mistress Penelopye's comment in the latest authors note of Strawberry Bad Boy, on the lack of phone sex... *coughs* I've come across a few, but not nearly enough in my own humble, perverted opinion. This is my contribution. Eventually I may write a proper one... maybe...

Myself and Mizu Hoseki are doing random drabbles to say that we miss the wonderful SarrisaDiablo... I have just managed to drag Momonster into the cause, but if anyone else wants to join, feel free to do so. This is just to let her know that we adore her and wish her well while she's away on her mission. Hope you managed to arrive safe and sound luv!

Dreamer, out~

[EDIT: SarrisaDiablo is back! XD]