Author's Note: First, I own nothing recognizably Harry Potter. Second, this is a shameless self-insert. A, because it makes my heart feel good, and B, because I think the end result is hysterical. Third, for the sake of simplicity, I'm currently ignoring time setting. Eventually I'll decide exactly what years this is set in; for now it doesn't really matter. Fourth, thanks for reading! Do enjoy!
A barely-less-than-earsplitting screech broke the rare silence in the little Giovanni home. Eddie Giovanni groaned and stood, the kinks in his spine popping as he stretched to his full, towering height. Sighing and running a hand through his salt-and-pepper curls, he ambled upstairs to answer the phone.
"Dad! I need your help!"
Instantly put on the alert at the panic in the young woman's voice, Eddie shot a glance at his wife who had followed him to the phone and mouthed, "Jane," before continuing aloud: "What's wrong, kiddo?"
"I, um…" a vaguely hysterical chuckle escaped her, but she cleared her throat and pushed on, "I may or may not have just legitimately kidnapped someone."
Eddie managed a highly intelligent, "huh?" Of all the things he was expecting to hear, this was not on the list.
"Little kid – tiny thing, really tiny… but old enough to talk; maybe two? Dad, his folks were beating the snot out of him. Split lip, bleeding a little from one ear, bump on his head, stripes all over his back and butt… I'm surprised there's no broken bones." Under the panic was a dangerous edge of righteous fury. "And he was living in a cupboard."
If it was possible to snap to attention when already on high alert, Eddie managed it. "Are you somewhere safe and are you still on the Isles?"
"Yes and yes."
"Are his folks still alive?"
"Not his parents – died months ago, from what I could gather. His maternal aunt and uncle, and their son. I haven't touched 'em. Yet."
"Good. Lay low; I'll pull some strings, have my friend over there contact you… Don't do anything until he calls with instructions."
"Ok. I'll know it's him?"
"He'll use my Society name. As soon as you're able I expect the whole story from you, young lady."
"I know. Thanks, Dad." She paused. "Gotta go; kid's having a nightmare. Work fast, please. Love you."
His eyebrows lowered. "Love you, too, Jane. Stay safe."
Almost before the phone had clicked off, Eddie was dialing a new number.