DAN'S VIDEO DIARY: 5th August 2016
"This is a fucking stupid idea, don't ask me why I am even bothering. My therapist says it will 'iron out buried feelings', whatever the fuck that means. I don't have any fucking 'buried feelings', thank you very much bearded lady. Sarcastically, I told her some story about how I was physically unable to write for the next 6 months only because I really couldn't be arsed to write a diary down. So video diary was her next ingenious idea. Yay.
Youtube used to be my video diary I guess, but it wasn't really the whole truth or my whole life. I don't wanna talk about Youtube now, this isn't what this diary is meant to be about... Right, today, what did I do? Let's see... I deleted my Twitter. That's an achievement I guess. Erm, I visited Phil. Still nothing. I'm not talking about that though... But basically that's it. I literally have no life, I know.
I have run out of things to say and I have only been talking for like 2 minutes. I'll check up with you tomorrow, and ask my therapist was the fuck I am meant to be talking about. Bye... Why am I acting like somebody is watching these...?"
7th August 2016
"Hi again. Yeah I missed a day, fuck off. I have also embraced the idea some magic ghost is watching these. Anyway, yeah. Today I visited Phil again, deleted Facebook. Yesterday I visited Phil and deleted Tumblr. I am feeling a trend.
The doctors are saying maybe a couple more weeks. Fucking retards. 'It would be inhumane to wait any longer.' Fucking hell, I could make them see whose being inhumane! Phil is a fucking human being not a dog, he can't just be 'put down'. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Ha, all this anger is reminding me of my therapy session. She was being a bitch like 'embrace change, let out emotions, be with your zen' or whatever the fuck so I was attempting to explain how much of a ignorant bitch she was being (obviously in a much more polite way) and then I flipped, swore at her, and then called her quite a few obscene things. I left, but later I got a call from the therapy place that my therapy still continues for a couple more months and I am welcome to still come, and then right at the fucking end added 'We offer anger management too if you are interested' and then hung up!
Huh, yeah, that happened. Not much else. Still not sure if I'm going to go back to therapy. It's NHS paid so they'll be bugging me about it every time I go to the hospital so maybe. We'll see."
DAN'S VIDEO DIARY: 8th August 2016
"Bonjour again. I went back to therapy. Still shit, but the therapist just seems very slightly on the edge of her seat like she's just a little bit scared of me which is quite humorous. Hmm, yeah, visited Phil, made another Tumblr account where nobody knows it's me. Couldn't live without Tumblr for that long I guess, hehe. Oh yeah, when I did visit Phil he totally moved his finger, I know he did. I will punch the next doctor who says 'not much more hope' to me. Fuck them.
DAN'S VIDEO DIARY: 9th August 2016
Fuck me I am being so consistent. I watched through these diaries today and I am so lame. I have also noticed my fucking obscene language - literally did not mean to swear then.
What did I do today? Um, I... visited Phil, of course. I... cleaned the flat. Rent money's due soon and I do have enough, but soon I'm probably going to have to find another job as YouTube isn't happening right now.
Um... Yeah... Bye."
10th August 2016
*crying slightly*
"I just can't anymore. I had SEVEN seperate nurses and doctors come up to me today to remind me about Phil and his apparent impending doom. I have no fucking Master's in whatever crap they study but I know that Phil is not ready to be 'put down'. There is NOTHING FUCKING HUMANE about killing a human who is technically perfectly healthy! People wake up from comas all the fucking time! Are they retarded?
If I had just... If I... I could have stopped this. I could have grabbed his arm, noticed, done SOMETHING to stop that motherfucking taxi... Ugh, I can't believe I'm crying I'm so stupid. It's all my fucking fault and I'm not the one who is lying in the hospital bed. I sometimes just want to scream at Phil to wake up, to do something. He lies there, and I don't understand... I am just being ignorant, I know, I expect some idyllic movie moment when they just magically wake up just at the right moment. Fuck it, no matter what the odds of it I still wish for it.
I just want him back. One sec, I need a tissue, this is gross...
Ugh. I just want him in the flat again. I don't care if he stays in the coma and I have to look after him, I'm not letting him die.
Phil's mum called me up a couple days ago. I didn't talk about it in that day's video diary 'cause I didn't feel like it but as I have already acted like a pussy in this diary no point stopping now. She is obviously upset but I barely see her at the hospital at all. I don't know if it's because she comes at different times or that she's given up hope too. She kept on saying that instead of being sad of something that's ending, be happy because something great happened. I wanted to shout down the phone "Nothing is fucking ending, nor has anything happened, he is still here and still FUCKING ALIVE." Of course I didn't, I just sat there seething silently, hmm-ing and yeah-ing at the correct points.
After about half an hour of her talking which I have to admit I wasn't listening to at all, my brain suddenly turned on when she began rambling about when Phil first mentioned me. I was first mentioned as basically a crush, a love interest met over the internet, and she explained about when Phil came home after we both met IRL for the first time and how bouncy and excited he was. I had the same love interest in him but I didn't tell my family as most of them don't approve of the 'gay lifestyle' as they put it. I think those first 5 months of dating were seriously up there in the best times of my life. I felt so alive and loved and... I dunno, kinda 'insert other cheesy romantic adjective here' kinda thing.
Of course after a while we kinda just split and for some un-understandable - is that a word? - reason I lost interest, and we just became really close friends which just kissed sometimes. Sounds weird when I say it like that but it was cool. A little while after that Phil got a boyfriend for about a month. He would come home after every date and tell me these horrifically hilarious stories about the weird shit his boyfriend did, it made me laugh but I was always kinda jealous, I literally don't know why. Hm, yeah, but after he dumped him we just never kissed like ever. I did miss it a bit. Hmm.
Fuck, why am I explaining this? Hehe, I don't understand me sometimes. Kinda fun though. This is like a Draw My Life, but Speak My Life, with crappy lighting and no editing.
Whenever we used to bring up Phan we just laughed about it. I always wondered if Phil would ever take me back. I don't know if it's just my religious family's suppression of it, but I kinda feel uncomfortable calling myself gay, but I know I'm not straight. I often say I have crushes on mostly women just to keep the Phan shippers off my back, but really I can see how they are subjectively attractive, but I really have that much of an interest in them anymore, even Jennifer Lawrence. Well actually, as she's pretty rich I might, but if I had to choose between Phil and Jennifer it's a no brainer. I don't find that many boys attractive either except for Phil. So basically, I'm not gay, or bisexual, I'm just.. Philsexual. In a platonic way. Kinda. Fucking hell I'm lame.
I remember when we were just in that weird limbo where we'd sometimes make out it was always the same situation which ended up in us kissing and that situation was a pillow fight.. One day Phil started a pillow fight (but of course we were never allowed to use his Phillow in our pillow fights, as that is basically illegal in his mind. I love little memories like that...) and it ended up with us cuddling with the pillows and I just went to go kiss his cheek 'cause that was what I used to do all the time when we were properly together. I remember another time when these pillow fight and make out sessions happened frequently Phil jumped on me once when I was scrolling on Tumblr and whacked me round the head with a pillow and said "Can we skip to the bit where we kiss?". It was so funny and so adorable at the same time. Aww.
Woah, I've been talking for far too long. I will just go back to staring at cat memes. Bye."
11th August 2016
I've tried this like 10 times now. I feel like I am trying too hard, all these videos are going to be deleted later anyway, fuck me if these ever found their way to the internet. I just... I don't know how much longer they are going to wait for Phil. I will wait the rest of my bloody life if that's what it takes but them sadistic bastards don't even wanna wait a fortnight.
Okay, I'm trying to be less angry. Ha, my therapist gave me their anger management classes card which I have to admit did make me snort, but then at the same time I haven't really been very... temperate recently. It's not my therapists fault I guess. Today at the session I was getting more and more bitter towards her and she puts her hands on my shoulders and gave me like a weird massage thing. The massage was pretty uncomfortable, but her putting her hands on my shoulders reminded me of Phil. He used to do that when we were together and tease me before we kissed. He'd puts his hands on my shoulders to push me away slightly, with that mischievous little grin he has and then would draw me in closer, wrapping his forearms and then elbows, pulling me in until our noses were touching. Then he'd peck me on the lips and then we'd properly kiss and I'd wrap my arms around his waist and he'd mess with the back of my hair...
I don't know why I keep on talking about when we were together. When he wakes up it's not like we are going to go back to that. The most we'd do if just a pillow fight kiss. I don't know what he'd say about daily 'pillow fights' though. Maybe he only does do that as a friendy thing... Maybe he thinks of it as entirely platonic. Obviously I don't, I've made that quite clear. I am so fucking gay sometimes.
Ugh, that's just my oppressive homophobic background speaking, I apologise. Maybe I am gay. Or bisexual. I think I'm going to stick with Philsexual, hehe. But, to admit, I couldn't really care less what my sexuality is, as long as I am with someone who I love and who loves me, why does it matter the label?
Shit this turned into an unexpected meaningful speech. Don't mind me while I go vomit.
Anyway. Bye or whatever.
12th August 2016
Fucking hell.
Ugh, I am swearing so much recently. It's not even funny or original swearing, it's just I have no other way of properly articulating what I feel.
But, I digress. I just... the doctors aren't really telling me that much anymore, I think they don't want to find out my reaction... But... Maybe they are right about Phil.
*pauses for a minute. turns off camera*