Chapter 1: I Turn My Crazy On

Author's Note: To be cliché and "fit in" I guess I'll start off by saying I'm new at this. As I say in my profile, I'm a baby writer. I just learned my ABC's and 123's. I can barely reach the keyboard.

I'm not really into suspense and drama, at least I've found in my writing. What I have written here is a chapter of completely ridiculous, trying to hard to be Gilmore dialogue. So if you hate dialogue, and humor, this may not be your favorite story on fan fiction.

Summary: The idea is simple: Rory and Jess are engaged. Crazy antics will ensue. Stupid dialogue will be exchanged. Lorelai will be so freakin Lorelai you might want her to stop drinking coffee. Characters will be OOC, I am sure. And I am sure you won't agree with the whole plot outline. But I hope you at least laugh once, even if it's a small "That's so stupid" chuckle.

I think the year is 2008 (of course that could change depending on if I need it to) and it might be Mayish. Assume the past is the past, and if you hated something that happened, just mentally delete it from your brain. I know I have (i.e., Rory's ugly season 4 sweaters).

Luke and Lorelai are just BFF. And it has to stay that way or I would have to add way too many West Virginia jokes that just get awkward after awhile. And I will try to incorporate as many characters as possible, but it will mostly be Rory/Lorelai dialogue, because they are the gabbiest.

I'm a monkey. I want to entertain you.

So read, bitches! And if you want to get to know me better (is this sounding like my online dating profile?) message me or email me to ask me how frickin crazy I am.

By the way disclaimer: Oprah owns everything. Get used to it.

Rory took another scoop from her Ben and Jerry's pint, realizing she was getting dangerously close to the bottom.

"Oh no, the unladylike licking is about to ensue," Lorelai said, noticing Rory's "dilemma" from the corner of her eye.

"I don't get how you do it. You look like you are fully into the movie and yet you always notice when I hit my ice cream emergency point," Rory said, licking the spoon, even though the last drop of ice cream was gone long ago.

"Hon, your face gets totally scrunched up. Then you get all blushy, like you just heard a dirty joke and bang your spoon on the side of the container. It's so obvious."

"Still, mind freaky." Rory thought for a second, and then got her "I just had a brilliant idea face" on. "If you loved me, you'd put on your pretty face and go to Doose's and buy more! We are getting low on corn chips as well and you know what goes really good together? Corn chips and rocky road!"

"Dude, are you pregnant? Or did you smoke a joint again before coming home and now have insane munchies?" Lorelai rubbed her belly, while saying this all in her Spicoli like persona she used from time to time, especially on out of towners.

Rory blushed, "What? We always do the weird food combos. Nothing strange about that. Nope not at all. Completely normal. And you're the one who went searching for Sookie and Jackson's "pickles" the other year, not me."

Rory coughed out the words pot head, trying to be cute.

"Just for that, no ice cream run. And besides, you told me I needed to put on my pretty face," Lorelai gasped and pointed to her face "this face never gets ugly. It only gets shades of morning ugly, but that doesn't count since coffee and concealer cures that."

"You are so sensitive," Rory whined.

"You are so fat," Lorelai shot back.

Rory was too shocked to speak. Fat was an evil, evil word only used be those crazy skinny bitches in Hollywood.

"And your boobs are getting so big, like about to poke my eyes out big. Oh and watch out for that double chin. Don't look down or you have two faces." Lorelai paused, then remembered she meant to add something, "By the way, this is all just motherly love talk, not crazy, obsessed "I wish you were a pageant girl" talk."

"Okay, maybe I put on a few pounds…"

"A few? You are Kirstie Alley waddling around eating fries and screaming "Make my pants fit!" Would you like to call Jenny today? Maybe Valerie can be your sponsor."

"It's not AA mom. Seriously. I am not fat. And my boobs look great."

"For a fatso."

"I'm leaving..." Rory got up, threw Lorelai an evil eye and started putting on her bunny slippers to walk…well she was not sure where she was going, just away from the fat nazi.

"Hey, I thought we could do fat jokes with each other? I thought we didn't have to eat cake in front of the Ivy to prove we aren't anorexic. Are we having some body issues that mommy needs to help you sort out? I am sure I could get Mary-Kate on the phone. She'd be so helpful," Lorelai genuinely felt bad, even though you couldn't tell.

"It's just...forget it, you wouldn't get it. You haven't been married."

"Pulling out the old maid burn, ouch. Classic, yet deadly. Love it. Come here my little bitch."

Lorelai enveloped Rory in a hug, and Rory started to tear up, randomly.

"What's wrong? Has The Princess Bride gotten to you that much?"

"It's just, he says as you wish and that means I love you. It's so perfect, you know? Why hasn't Jess ever said as you wish to me?" Rory wiped a few tears off her cheek, saying this all with complete seriousness.

"Because this is the year 2008 and he isn't your farm boy? Unless you have some weird role play…"

"Ew, mom, gross, no. And even if we did, I wouldn't tell you, especially if he played farm boy and I was his forbidden princess stuck in the castle and the only way he could get me out was by using his sword…"

"Woah, woah, what happened to our don't policy? Similar to the don't ask, don't tell thing, only I never ask and you never speak about that part of you and Jess' life? Did you forget about the contract I had you sign?"

"Mom, we had drunk like five appletinis that night, were dancing and singing along with Chicago and signed it with a hello kitty pen. It wasn't exactly the most valid contract out there. But I'll spare you. Sorry."

Lorelai let out a heavy sigh of relief. Thinking about her daughter that way was not pleasant. "Okay, back to the crying issue. What is this about?"

"What if this is too fast? What if we aren't ready for marriage? Jess and I have only been back together for a little over a year. What if he isn't my Westley?" Rory started to cry again, grabbing for tissues to blow her nose. It was that ugly crying where you got all snotty and had tears running down your neck.

"Wow, Princess Bride going off. Mom face on. Rory, look at me." Lorelai grabbed Rory's face and made sure their eyes were locked before she spoke. "Now while Jess wasn't my first choice for you or my second or third, the top three weren't available. Something about being famous; Jake Gyllenhal sends his love from the mountain. And Justin Timberlake says what goes around comes around. I don't think that was very helpful but he is obsessed."

"Mom, I'm just so upset. I am so fat! And the dress fitting tomorrow is going to be a disaster. And the day of the wedding I'll bloat up, my makeup will be whorish and I'll be so drugged up I'll pull a Sixteen Candles callback."

"Maybe Jake will drive up for me and I can be sixteen all over again."

"Mom!" Rory screeched, in a classic Rory screech moment.

"Sorry, this is just so ridiculous. Okay, back to speech time. So, you picked Jess. You, not me. You picked Jess over Prince William..."

"He wasn't a choice, mom."

"Let a mother dream; it's hard to let go of my fantasy British accent son in law. So back to Jess. You chose him, again. And even though you proposed, Jess still said yes, meaning he decided you were better than his monk lifestyle. Oh and don't correct me on that. I must believe Jess has been celibate or I will seriously kill him."

"Aw mom, I'm going to start crying again"

"You're my baby. I can't help it. Hug again?"

"Of course, even though drugs are better."

"I can't believe I got high with you on your 23rd birthday. What was I thinking? Mrs. Brady didn't get high with Marcia."

"Only because they didn't have access to Pink Floyd and cotton candy ice cream. That was one of our best tri-combos ever."

"It was legendary. And to think, we made it without having one of those freak outs and needing to go in a bad trip tent."

"I think that left town with the troubadours two summers ago. Oh well, if I could remember it, I would peg it as the best birthday ever."

"We've had some crazy times over these 23, almost 24 years."

"And now I'm getting married."

"To a boy!"

"I know."

"Rosie would not be impressed."

"I bet she loves you, though"

"Ugh. Engaged girls are mean,"

"Jealous bridesmaids are bitchy."

"Correction: maid of honor."

"Do you still want a trophy with "Bitchiness Maid of Honor Ever" written on it?"

"And a cape. I'm thinking pink, with a unicorn on the back. Oh and a tiara."

"That reminds me of Princess Bride. Mom!" Rory went into semi hysterical mode, yet again.

"Sorry, let's talk about…babies! How many are you thinking? And how fast are you going to be popping those suckers out? I need to know. Personally, I want twelve, so you and Jess need to become bunny rabbits. I want to be known as a hot grandma so you can't wait until I am 50."

"No, talking about babies won't freak crazy Rory out at all. Real awesome choice of topic, mom" Rory put two thumbs up, but these were two sarcastic thumbs up, followed by the pout face.

"Talking in third person isn't crazy at all either, Lorelai said."

"You narrate yourself now?"

"When in crazy land."

The Girls took a break from their gabbing and just sat on the couch, consumed by their own thoughts. Rory's face went through about twelve emotions in 10 seconds: anger, depression, happiness, pain, surprise, hate...and the list goes on. She executed each emotion beautifully, making Lorelai stop her inner thoughts and take a front row seat to Rory's Emotions, coming to a theater near you, never. Then Lorelai got the ding dong light bulb moment face, and boom, Rory did as well at the exact same moment.

Lorelai spoke up first.

"This will be the last few months of the Gilmore Girls rein. We need some big prank, an explosion or a David Blaine style trick to go out in style. Only we WILL hold our breath for 9 minutes. David Blaine is such a tool."

Rory's head snapped up "What? I'm not changing my name."

"Really? So Jess has decided to become a Gilmore? How girly of him. He's taking on a tough job. Eating copious amounts of junk food, while not gaining a pound and drinking vats of coffee isn't as easy as it looks."

"No. I'm just staying like I am and so is he"

"Are you sure Jess will be okay with this? Some men have this need for their woman to take their name. It goes back to caveman times."

"Jess isn't a caveman, mom. And even if we haven't verbalized it he knows I can't change my last name."

"Rory, men don't read minds. They don't learn silent signals either. And they really don't listen particularly well. I think you have to dress up like Tom Brady to get them to pay attention. Or for Jess, some dead author guy."

"We're going to pre-marriage counseling. I'm sure they'll sort this all out for us."

"Okay, backing off. So where's the list?"

"What list?" Rory asked, avoiding eye contact with Lorelai.

"Sweaty palms, avoiding eye contact, playing with the hem of your shirt. All signs point to Rory lying. So what's the pro/con list about this time?"

"Whether or not to tell grandma and grandpa." Rory stood up and started pacing in front of the couch, biting her nails.

"You haven't told them yet? It's been a month! I thought you said it was all taken care of, that you would handle it?"

"It just slipped my mind. Ugh, I need the pepto bottle." Rory grabbed the pepto bismol bottle off of the table and started chugging on the pink liquid.

"And now you aren't sure you are going to tell them? This is going to go over real well. When you and Jess divorce in eight years and they read about it in the paper they'll be all "Not our Rory, she was never married. And the hoodlum, oh no, this was Lorelai's doing." And then they'll have me killed. Do you want that Ror?" Lorelai's heart beat had quickened and she started counting backwards from ten to calm down.

"I'll go tomorrow, after the dress fitting. The list was stupid. It was Jess' idea," then Rory smacked her forehead leaving a bright, red mark, "I just called my fiancé's idea stupid. This marriage is so over."

Rory sunk down in the couch, like she had been physically beat. And she kind of had. The engagement was driving her insane. She had already set up separate counseling appointments for herself. Her OCD and perfectionism were causing her to lose it.

When Rory wasn't paying attention, Lorelai had stalked off to the kitchen and was rummaging around in the fridge. Rory heard a loud "ah ha!" followed by a "sweet, yes!" and went to see what the excitement was about. Lorelai had a bottle of vodka and was chugging it. If she would have been upside down, it could have been a keg stand.

"Drinking isn't going to help, mom."

"That's what you think, little miss bossy pants. I'm now going to bed to get a long, long, Rumpelstiltskin style nights sleep. When I wake up in the morning, we get up, go to the dress fitting, then you go see the MacBeth's. Night babe."

Lorelai kissed Rory on the head and climbed the stairs to her bedroom, vodka bottle in hand.

"You better not be hung over in the morning! We are not listening to Wannabe on repeat. I hate that song and it does not cure hangovers. And no tacos if you do this on purpose!" After Rory's little tirade, she stalked off to her room, slamming her door for effect, letting out a bit of her 16 year old self that still lived in this house.

Tomorrow it all officially started. Yeah, she and Jess had been engaged for a month, but she was going to look at dresses and tell the grandparents. That solidified it; made it real. An announcement in the paper would follow, so everyone in Connecticut would know (not by her, but Emily, because that is what a "proud" grandmother did in society). Now all she needed was a ring.

Why she had agreed to a ring pop was beyond her. Yes, at that moment she was being impractical asking Jess to marry her, but like any stupid girl, in the stupid magazines, wearing the stupid, fluffy dresses she expected Jess to run out and buy a ring. It was the vain side of her coming out. But then Jess said he wanted to get her one, but then money became an issue and being so in love (how stupid!) she had said "No big deal, I'll just wear a red ring pop. It'll be cute and mom will go nuts. And it will be a yummy treat if I get hungry from all the pre wedding starving."

Boy did she feel lame now, laying here, staring at a licked and sticky red ring pop.

"Rory, I can sense you are awake. Go to bed or you'll wake up super ugly." Lorelai yelled this down, slightly giggly. You could tell she was a little buzzed because she had the volume up way too high on the TV and when she drinks, she acts like she has lost her hearing.

Rory heard Meredith Grey whining about something about McDreamy. Ugh. McDreamy.

Rory moved around in her bed. Her bed. The last her bed she'll have, unless she and Jess are like Ricky and Lucy.

It's scary. The last "her" bed. She mentally reminded herself to take a picture.

Good night pre-fitting jitters.

Ending author's note: This isn't peer pressure. I can't force you to do anything you don't want to, so review at your own risk. I hear there are sharks in the scary review waters. Ah!

I think I just lost about 1000 reviews. I lied. There aren't sharks! Please come back into Review Ocean. Please!