Disclaimer: We don't own any of these characters since Princess Diaries 1 & 2, and its characters are the property of Disney, Buena Vista, and Meg Cabot. We make no money from this work of fiction.

This story came about because a friend asked the question 'What did Joe think about that day in San Francisco when Mia and Clarisse took off on their own?' and I begged her to write the story, but after two days when she hadn't, I begged her to let ME write it! I sent it to her in sections, and with another friend's help for the ending, we finished it the next day ... (Susan, Denise & Kathy)

Mistakes, Misapprehensions, and Merriment

"She WHAT? You let them go ALONE?"

Charlotte cringed a little at the incredulous look on Joe's face. She tried to stand up for herself. "Joe, it's not as if I can offer my opinion! She told me to cancel her appointments for the day because she was going to spend it with her grand-daughter. What choice do I have?"

"Where did they go? What were they going to do?" he fired the questions at her rapidly.

"I ... I don't know," Charlotte admitted. "Her royal highness said something about showing the queen her ... baby." She tried to disguise her curiosity, but knew Joe saw right through her.

"WHAT?" Joe's impotent fury mounted.

"That's what she said," Charlotte said helplessly. "So her majesty told me not to bother telling you they needed the car."

Joe abandoned that line of inquiry, realizing Charlotte truly had no idea what the princess had meant about her "baby", and not sure he even WANTED to know the truth. He knew he would find out soon, as he would begin to question everyone in the city, if necessary. "HOW DID THEY GO?"

"Carlos took them." Charlotte then braced herself for the question she knew would come next.

"WHERE IS HE?"

"Umm, I don't know. He's not back yet."

"Charlotte, I can't BELIEVE you allowed her to just walk out the door ..."

Now Charlotte flared up, tired of being yelled at. "I can't stop her! She's the queen, Joe, remember? SHE is the one to decide what she's going to do! I don't have any say in the matter, and frankly, I don't think you do either!"

"I'M HER HEAD OF SECURITY! I MUST KNOW WHERE SHE IS AT ALL TIME!" Joe roared angrily.

"If YOU had been around earlier, you might have been able to find out!" Charlotte's own anger grew. "And STOP YELLING AT ME!"

For a moment the two stared at each other, Charlotte's words echoing around the room. Then Joe sagged onto the desk. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "I'm just ..."

Charlotte's hand covered his. "I know," she said quietly. "I DO understand, Joe. And I'm sorry, too, that I can't help you. All she said was that I was to cancel all her appointments for the day, because she was being shown San Francisco by a true San Franciscan. I'm sure they'll be all right."

"I thought she was still out in the garden with those damn flowers. She has spent every spare minute since we arrived out there, trying to get the gardens to look the way she wants them to look. No one told me the princess had arrived." Joe sat for a moment longer, then sprang up and began to pace again, his agitation growing once more. "Where would they have gone? And why would they have taken CARLOS as their driver instead of letting you call me?"

"Joe, I'm TRYING to be sympathetic, but you're getting on my nerves," Charlotte finally said. "If you're that concerned, go out and look for them!"

"Keep your cell phone handy, then, and call me the instant you hear from them!" Joe said.

Charlotte picked it up off the desk and saluted with it. "Aye, aye, sir!"

"Smart aleck," Joe muttered, but he sent a twisted grin her way before leaving her alone.

Charlotte picked up her pen, shaking her head and smiling, then paused as she thought back over the last few days. The queen appeared to be very, very gradually coming out of the shell in which she had been encased since Prince Philippe's accident ... no, since King Rupert, may he rest in peace, had passed on. Having her grand-daughter's "princess lessons" to oversee had given Queen Clarisse a new lease on life. Sometimes when she smiled now, the smile actually reached her eyes. Charlotte hoped fervently that it wouldn't be long before the queen was back to herself again. The tragedy of losing a husband then a son in less than a year was enough to overwhelm anyone, and it had almost broken Charlotte's heart to see the queen bravely trying to continue to do her duty while so obviously grieving deeply inside. Yes, the princess was helping so much. So too, Charlotte was beginning to suspect, was Joe. As Head of Security and friend of the late king, Joe had always been close to the royal couple. Just last week, after Charlotte had seen the princess scurrying home after her dance lesson, Charlotte had walked in on Joe and the queen dancing alone in the ballroom. She had backed out of the room carefully, her sharp eyes noting that the two had eyes only for each other. It had been that very evening that the queen had asked Charlotte to summon a dressmaker as she had decided it was time to put some colour back into her life.

Only yesterday, Charlotte had overheard some of the maids discussing the fact that the queen had waited only one year after her husband's death and a scandalously short two months after her son's demise before ridding herself of the trappings of mourning. Charlotte had reprimanded them at the time, and now found herself still firmly on the side of the queen wearing colour again. She HAD been wearing black for too long! Admittedly, though, Queen Clarisse looked wonderful in whatever she wore. Charlotte focussed on the papers in front of her, still privately convinced that the best part of all of this trip was seeing the queen's lively animation returning, and the life coming back into her blue eyes. It had been a long time since the queen had been truly happy, in Charlotte's humble opinion!

Meanwhile, Joe had commandeered the limousine and had driven straight to the princess' friend's house. Although he had not been at all pleased with the young girl after her blistering abuse in the face of the princess' transformation, Miss Lilly would have the information he needed. He knocked at the door of the apartment and waited. Then he knocked again, louder. The third time brought results, and a sleepy-eyed Lilly opened the door.

"Huh? Shaft? What'cha doing here?"

"Miss Lilly," Joe forced himself to remain calm and sound reasonable. "Princess Mia spoke to her grandmother about taking the queen to see her baby this morning. Could you perchance assist me in locating them?"

"You've LOST them?" Lilly grinned, suddenly wide-awake and obviously ready to tease him. "I didn't think that was allowed! Won't you be hanged, drawn and quartered for this?"

Joe tamped down on the anger that flared up in him. "Miss Lilly," he gritted out, "I am merely asking for information. Do you know where the princess' ... baby can be found?"

Lilly leaned on the doorframe, eying him contemplatively. "What's it worth to you?"

Now Joe allowed some of his anger to glint in his eyes as he leaned closer to the young girl, removing his sunglasses in order to better fix his glare on the girl. "Miss Lilly, for the third time ..."

"Oh, all right! Sheesh! No sense of humour! Okay, okay. Mia's baby is in the loving care of my brother. It's kinda his baby too, you could say," she smirked.

Joe restrained himself nobly, although the shock that went through his entire system at hearing this almost felled him. The brother. Michael, he recalled. Somewhat protective of the princess, even from his sister's barbs. HE was the father of the princess' baby?

When Joe didn't say anything and showed no reaction, Lilly frowned slightly and continued, "Mia probably took her grandmother down to Doc's. That's where she keeps ... her baby. Kind of a secret, you know? I mean, if the kids in school ever found out ..." and Lilly's lips curled into a sly smile. She knew exactly what was going through Joe's mind. Sure enough, she noted his jaw flex and saw the faint shock in his eyes.

He put on his sunglasses again and straightened. "And where might I find Doc's house?"

"Well, I don't know where he lives ..." Lilly's voice trailed off. Then, sensing that Joe was near the end of his patience, she grinned again. "Sorry, Joe, just couldn't resist. You can find Doc and Michael and maybe even Mia, her baby and the queen at Doctor Motors ... an auto repair shop. Michael works there. It's just down the street that way, then turn right for a block, then left, and you'll see it. Good luck tracking them down, Shaft!" and she shut the door in his face.

Wasting no time, Joe pushed the limousine to its limits as best he could on the crowded streets, and turned into the garage's parking lot, taking up most of the space in the front. The noise emanating from the garage was deafening. Joe winced, hoping the queen was not being subjected to that cacophony, however much he wanted her to be here. Stepping in, he saw three boys loudly playing various instruments. Michael was at the keyboard, his eyes closed as he sang and played, his flying fingers shifting small, brightly-coloured beads or something on the keys. Joseph took little notice of them. One quick glance showed him that the queen and her grand-daughter were nowhere in sight. Just as well. Such horrible noise was not good for a baby's ears. A BABY! Why had the fact that the princess had a baby not been known until now? Joe pushed his questions aside, knowing that all that was important right now was finding his two girls safe. Then he cleared his throat, even knowing no one could have heard his thoughts. It was a sign of his perturbation that he had even THOUGHT of Cl ... of the queen and the princess as HIS girls. For so many years, he had kept tight rein on himself and controlled his thoughts with regard to his feelings for the queen. Now he was beginning to lose it, and that only increased his agitation. The first crack had been seeing her wistful look as she pretended to ignore the dance lesson he had been giving the princess last week. That look had prompted him, when they were alone, to daringly turn on the music, inform the queen that she had been wearing black for too long, then draw her onto the dance floor where his eyes had continued to say everything he had been wanting to say for years. Her eyes had met his steadily, and he still wasn't sure he could trust himself to believe what he had read in them.

The sound stopped, and Michael looked over at Joe, then jumped up. "Hey, is something wrong? Is Mia all right?"

Joe frowned. "That is what I was hoping YOU could answer. Where are they?"

"Oh, they left about half an hour ago. We finished most of the work, and Mia's grandmother paid for it, and they took it."

"It?"

"I told them it wasn't quite finished," another man joined them, wiping the grease off his hands. "But that Mia was so excited that Michael had got it running that she had to take it for a spin."

"She just loves that baby, Doc, I couldn't make her wait any longer," Michael grinned. "Besides, it's probably all right. It was just the emergency brake that needed checking."

"Did YOU check the brakes? I noticed about a week ago they were worn and needed replacing." Doc looked a little worried.

"I thought you HAD replaced the brake pads!" Michael protested.

"It was next on my list. Well, hopefully it'll be okay ..." Doc shrugged and went back to his office to answer the phone.

Joe looked from one to the other, the words sinking in and finally making sense. Mia's baby was a CAR! Then the rest of the conversation came back to him. "Wait a minute!" he grabbed Michael as he was turning back to his piano. "You let them go with BAD BRAKES?"

"Hey, cool it, man!" Michael extricated his shirt gingerly from Joe's grip. "The brakes weren't exactly BAD ..."

"Where were they going?" demanded Joe.

"Beats me," shrugged Michael.

"Which way did they go?" Joe spoke in a deceptively quiet voice.

Uneasily, Michael looked at the obviously furious man in front of him, then at his friends. They looked away. "Ummm ... I don't know. I didn't look."

"Does ANYONE know which way they went?" Joe's voice was even lower and frightened all three boys by its intensity.

"N-no, sir!" they stammered as one.

"What kind of car is it?" he demanded next.

"A light blue, '66 Mustang convertible," Michael answered quickly, glad he could answer one question correctly.

"You let them leave?" Joe swung on Doc who had stepped back into the shop area. "Did YOU notice which way they went?"

"Didn't see a thing. Look, will you get that monster out of our parking lot? I've got customers complaining that they can't get in!"

Giving up, Joe stormed back to the limousine and swung out into the traffic, his eyes darting all directions as he looked for a light blue Mustang. "I've GOT to find them before something happens! How could that pipsqueak allow them to leave with no brakes? I'll ... I'll inform the police ... no, I'll go searching myself! Dammit, where ARE they? WHERE would they have headed? Maybe I should check the hospitals! The police should know if they were in an accident ... Dammit, they're probably lying in a MORGUE somewhere by now! I swear, if she isn't dead when I find her, I'll kill her for scaring me this way! I don't care if she IS my sovereign or that I've pledged my allegiance to her. How can I protect her if she sneaks away from me?'

After an hour of fruitless searching, knowing there was no way he would be able to locate one car in the city of San Francisco, Joe phoned Charlotte. "Any word?" he barked when she answered.

"No. Nothing. Joe, really, I'm SURE they'll be fine. Just come back here and wait for them to turn up," Charlotte urged him.

Joe hung up without replying to that idiotic statement.

A day had never been as gruelling as this day was for Joe. Horrible visions of crashes, kidnappings, even assassinations trooped constantly through his mind. Charlotte had stopped answering his phone calls, and although he fumed and growled at the impertinence, Joe conceded that she probably had nothing to say, and would either call HIM when she had word, or would answer his call then. He stopped at any place he thought the queen might wish to see, but no matter who he questioned, no one remembered seeing two women or a light blue convertible. If he had had any hair on the top of his head, he'd have pulled it out in his frustration by the time he turned the limousine up the long hill towards the consulate.

Midway up, a traffic snarl made him growl and mutter angrily. He opened the window to catch a bit of breeze and overheard two boys on the sidewalk. "I never saw an accident like that before! That Mustang just came backwards like she never even heard of brakes, and WHAM, right into the side of the trolley!"

Joe's heart turned over. He had been right! There had been an accident! He jumped out of the car and confronted the two children. "What colour was the car in the accident?"

"Light blue," said one boy. "Why? What's it to you? No matter what colour the car was, it was still wrecked!"

"Yeah, totalled!" the other boy said with relish.

"We wish," they sighed together.

"Was anyone hurt?" Joe almost grabbed them, but restrained himself.

They shrugged. "The car and the trolley. Who looked at the people? Oh, I heard someone say something about a queen being there. Yeah, right. Like we don't know THOSE kind aren't welcome in THIS neighbourhood!"

Chuckling, the two darted around Joe and vanished. He frowned after them, then, filled with dread, started up the street on foot. Just disappearing around the corner, he saw a crumpled light blue fender, and realized he had just missed seeing the tow truck. Running up to a policeman, he panted, "What happened? Where are they? Is she hurt?"

The policeman waved him away. "We're getting things cleared up as quickly as possible. Please return to your vehicle and ..."

Joe had had enough. He had the poor man by the throat and growled, "I am the Head of Security for Her Majesty, the Queen of Genovia. WAS SHE HERE?"

"Oh, yeah, she was ..." the policeman tried to speak and look apologetic at the same time.

"IS SHE ALL RIGHT? WHERE IS SHE?"

"I, uh ..." the man's hands clawed at his throat, and when Joe reluctantly released him, he dragged in large gulps of air.

"Hey, mister, you shouldn't have touched him like that! You're lucky he doesn't arrest you. He's a knight, you know. A real true knight in shining armour! WE were all witnesses!"

"Witnesses?" Joe swung around and looked up at the people in the trolley eying him.

"Sure. She knighted him. We all heard her, didn't we? By the power invested in her by the ... what was it?" the woman turned and appealed to her fellow passengers.

"Government of Geneva or something." a boy muttered.

"No, it's Genovia. I remember reading about her coming here to find the princess!" another woman said excitedly.

"Yeah, right. And she made that policeman and the trolley driver knights of the Order of the Rose!"the first woman finished triumphantly.

"The Order of the ... ROSE?" Joe looked at her, then at the policeman still trying to breathe, then at the street sign. Then he thought he understood. She always had been quick-thinking. Surely she wasn't injured too badly if she had managed to talk her way out of this situation! "Were either of them hurt?"

"No," said the policeman.

Joe felt as if a huge weight had just slid off him. "Then where are they?"

"The car was taken to, umm, Doctor Motors ..."

"I don't care about the damn car!" Joe said angrily. Why were people here so worried about machinery? HE was desperately looking for his girls! "WHERE ARE THEY?"

"Well, the RUDENESS of some people!" the trolley woman covered her son's ears. "We try to be helpful, and all he can do is swear!"

"Look, Mister, can we ask you to please step out of the way? We have to get this trolley rolling again, and the traffic moving. And you can be thankful we don't book you for assaulting a police officer!" another policeman came up at that point.

Joe was pushed back, protesting that he had diplomatic immunity, along with the other onlookers, and slowly the trolley car moved on. As he turned to go back to the car, the policeman he had choked looked over and called, "By the way, I sent them off in the police car, since they couldn't drive that thing any more! Who ever heard of driving without a licence alongside of someone whose licence expired 45 years ago?"

Shaking his head, the policeman got into the car and was gone, even as Joe yelled back, "WHERE? WHERE did they go?"

Sighing, Joe made his way down the hill past the line of cars, and got into the limousine again. He called Charlotte. She still didn't answer. "DAMMIT!" he said, slamming his cellphone shut. When the other cars allowed him to move again, Joe turned left on the cross street and put the pedal to the floor, hoping to get to the consulate by the time the police cruiser had the queen and her grand-daughter back where they should be.

It took Joe a few minutes to talk the policeman out of giving him a ticket when he was stopped for driving carelessly, and when Joe asked if it would be possible to be in touch with dispatch to find out what was happening with the queen and the princess, the policeman rolled his eyes and said, "I THOUGHT you might be the one they were talking about on the radio earlier. Look, Mr. Diplomatic Immunity, GO BACK TO THE CONSULATE. And DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT! Next time, I won't hesitate. In fact, I think I'll just escort you myself. And don't worry about the ladies. They're being returned, trust me."

Joe snarled to himself as he watched the policeman saunter back to his vehicle, then pulled in behind him at a very sedate pace. He was REALLY going to have to speak severely to the queen now! He was making a laughingstock of himself with the police department of San Francisco, and it was all her fault for sneaking away this morning without telling him where she was going.

Once back at the consulate, Joe jumped out of the limo and directed the footman to call Carlos to park the car. Joe ran up the stairs and burst into the queen's suite, causing the lady's maids to shriek for a moment until they recognized him. "Where is she?" he demanded.

The two looked at him as if he were crazy. He knew he was, and it was HER fault! ALL of it! "Her majesty has not yet returned from her day's activities."

"She HASN'T?" Joe turned and tore back down the stairs, arriving in the office to see Charlotte putting the embassy mail pouch on the queen's desk. "She's not here?"

"No," Charlotte said, calmly, not even looking at him. "I said I would phone if I heard from her."

"They were involved in an accident," Joe's voice was controlled, but when Charlotte's eyes flew to his face, she read the tension there.

"Were they hurt?" she asked, horrified that his predictions had come true. "Where are they?"

"I was hoping YOU would know," he said. "No, I gather they were not hurt. The police were to be bringing them home. Perhaps they were taken to the precinct ... perhaps they ARRESTED them for dangerous driving! I've got to ..."

Just as he was turning to leave, Charlotte looked out the window, then caught his arm. "Joe! Relax!" she ordered. "She's getting out of the car now ..."

Joe rushed over to the window to see the queen being handed out of the back of the police cruiser. She smiled graciously at the police officer, thanked him, then accepted his arm to walk towards the door. Without a word to Charlotte, Joe vanished.

"Joe?" the young woman looked around, then shrugged. She went to the door to greet the queen with a smile and an inquiry as to her day.

"Marvellous, thank you, Charlotte," Queen Clarisse beamed at her. Charlotte was thrilled to note that not a shadow was to be seen in the queen's eyes. "I hadn't realized I needed a holiday as much as my grand-daughter did. How was YOUR day?"

"I ... kept busy," Charlotte said, smiling, resolving not to say a word about how annoying Joseph had been all day!

"Was Joseph very difficult to handle?" the queen's question caught Charlotte off guard, and her smile faded as she wondered whether or not the queen was really a mind reader.

"Oh, he ... uhhh," Charlotte's voice trailed off.

"That's what I thought," the queen nodded emphatically, a faint smile on her face. "I should not have left you with such an onerous task ..."

"Oh, but that's my job, your Majesty!" Charlotte protested.

"Hmmm. Where is he?"

Charlotte looked around. She had no idea where Joseph had gone. "I ... I don't ..."

"Never mind. How long until our meal?" was the queen's next inquiry.

"I'll let the kitchen know you are back. I'm sure you are hungry, your Majesty," Charlotte said.

"Not really. I had a corn dog." The queen ignored Charlotte's blank look and smiled ruefully. "It's still rolling around, I'm afraid. I'm going up to lie down for a few minutes. The day was marvellous, but very strenuous, especially near the end." She didn't wait for Charlotte to concur, but went on up the stairs.

Joe, watching from the upper hall, backed soundlessly into an unoccupied room so she wouldn't see him as she ascended to the second floor. His eyes raked over her face and body, making sure she hadn't been hurt in the accident. Then his fury welled up again. How DARE she leave without telling him a thing? He was the Head of Security! Her safety was HIS responsibility, and he couldn't carry out his duties if she defied him at every turn!

As she passed the partially-closed door behind which Joe was hovering, he couldn't restrain himself any longer. Too much had happened that day. He flung open the door, grabbed her upper arms and pulled her into the room with him, kicking the door shut with his foot. The queen squeaked in fright and began to struggle until she saw who was holding her, then she quieted down and passively allowed him to have his say.

Staring angrily into her eyes, Joe couldn't think of a thing to say except "Dammit!" What if she had been hurt, or even killed? He would never have forgiven himself for not keeping a closer eye on her!

"Joseph, I know I should have told you ..." she began to say, somewhat penitently.

Her words loosened his tongue, and the rhetoric flowed as he began to enumerate the many things which could have happened to her and her grand-daughter when they had gaily and with malice aforethought set off without telling him their plans and allowing him to escort them. While he chewed her out, Joe found himself studying her, and he realized that the lingering sadness apparent in her bearing since her husband's death was gone. She appeared truly happy for the first time in a long time, well, apart from the faintly abashed look his lecture was causing. That, however, did not excuse her actions today. She had made HIM unhappy and he HAD to make her aware of the possible consequences of her actions.

However, when an amused twinkle appeared in her eyes while his eloquence was still rolling out, Joe lost his head. He pulled her closer and his mouth descended on hers in a devastating kiss. She tried to resist him at first, stiffening in startled outrage, but as his lips changed from punishing to beguiling, her resistance was swept away. Her hands slid up his chest and gripped his shirt, her lips softened under his and she responded with a hot passion neither had felt for years, if ever before. They kissed as if they already knew each other's mouths, as if they had been doing this for weeks, months, years ... a lifetime. They kissed in a dizzying give-and-take that seemed to last forever, but still didn't satisfy.

When at last Joe came to his senses, he came back to earth with a thud. The queen was still clinging to him, her lips moist and slightly swollen from his kisses, the soft skin of her face surrounding her mouth faintly reddened from the scrape of his facial hair, her eyes closed. He stared. Was that a teardrop in the corner of her eye? Overwhelmed by his untoward and impulsive actions, he released her arms and stepped back abruptly, convinced that when her lovely blue eyes flew open, he would see her outrage. Instead, she looked dazed and ... enraptured? She looked as if she wanted him to kiss her again! Now Joe KNEW he had gone insane. Her fingers slowly uncurled and she released his shirt with a faint sigh, her eyes falling from his and hiding her thoughts.

Trying to gather himself together, and fighting his urge to kiss her senseless, Joe said firmly, "NEVER do that again, your Majesty! I hope that is QUITE clear!" He struggled to keep his dignity intact and his hands to himself as he marched out the door, inwardly wishing she would call him back and ask him to kiss her again, but almost convinced that he would hear her denounce him and banish him forever, if not hang, draw and quarter him as Miss Lilly had suggested that morning.

Then he heard her faint answer, in a voice that still trembled with the urgency of the desire that had burned between them, "Quite clear, thank you, Joseph. I'll be sure to let you know what I am doing tomorrow ..."

The End