Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Twilight saga belong to (their rightful owner) Stephanie Meyer. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.
Major thanks to Flyaway Dove for Beta-ing this.
Set: Sometime after BD.
Leah's POV
Reading "The Lion and the Lamb"
The Twilight Saga Retold
"Once upon a time, in 20th century America, there lived a lion who refused to be violent. In fact, his whole family refused to be violent and refused their actions to be dictated by nature. Instead, the lion and the rest of his family decided to become vegetarians and to behave in a way they deemed 'natural.'
"One day, the lion, who we will soon find out is a closet masochist, met a lamb. This was not just any lamb; no, this lamb was a very stupid lamb. The lamb decided to ignore all of the warnings that nature provided in regards to the lion and, instead, tried to befriend the lion and his family. Being sick, (and extremely masochistic), not only did the lion befriend the lamb, but the masochistic lion fell in love.
"Yes, you heard me; the lion fell in love with the lamb.
"One day, when visiting the masochistic lion's family, the stupid lamb was put in danger. The masochistic lion's brother got very hungry, and the stupid lamb looked very tasty, so he went to take a bite.
"Since the little lamb, the love of the masochistic lion's life, was almost killed, the lions packed up and decided to go to a different place, meet new lambs, and stick to their vegetarian diet. Many were thinking Africa or an out-of-state zoo.
"So, when the lamb heard about the lion family's plans to leave their home, the stupid lamb decided to come along. But she wasn't invited. No, the stupid lamb had to stay there, by herself, while the lions all left. The stupid lamb, being very sensitive, did not like it when the masochistic lion's family, (himself included), left her all alone with no one to play with. So she cried, and cried, and became so depressed that she almost covered herself in barbecue sauce and served herself on a platter to a non-vegetarian lion. Luckily, the lamb had a best friend who looked after her while the masochistic lion toured Italy, (Between you and me, I'm pretty sure the lion just stayed in his hotel room, being all angsty and emo in the corner.)
"Anyways, so the lamb, being very sad and upset, didn't really try to pull herself back together. Nope, she allowed herself to wallow in her misery and have delusions of the masochistic lion telling her not to do stupid things, like cover herself in barbecue sauce and serve herself to a non-vegetarian lion as a snack…which she still did anyway because she's a stupid lamb.
"So, the lamb's best friend, (a pathetic russet wolf who, much like the masochistic lion, likes to love what he can't have), decided to help the lamb. He thought she was such a pretty lamb and wanted to help her, to love her. And he did. The pathetic russet wolf helped the stupid little lamb to become half-normal again. I say half because when the masochistic lion's sister, (the very hyper lion who can see the future), came back to take the lamb to Italy, (a hotspot for lions, complete with a royal family of lions of the non-vegetarian persuasion), to save the masochistic lion from his angsty self, she went with her.
"See why I'm calling the stupid lamb stupid?
"Off to Italy they went, on a mission to stop the masochistic lion from getting declawed and neutered. The lamb and hyper lion were able to stop the masochistic, angsty lion from throwing himself into the depths of emo music and bad haircuts just in time.
"Whew.
"After some sight-seeing, the two lions and the stupid lamb came home. Did the lamb call the pathetic wolf, letting him know that she was alive? No.
"What a 'thank-you' for making the lamb half-normal.
"But the story continues: eventually the pathetic wolf got so pathetic and heartbroken when the stupid lamb chose the masochistic lion time after time, and ran away. Even after the pathetic wolf and all of his buddies helped save the stupid lamb from the trouble that always followed her, (this time it was in the form of an army of recent 'just fell off the wagon' vegetarian lions), the little lamb wanted to be with the masochistic lion forever. Through marriage.
"No longer wanting to be best friends with the lamb because she wouldn't love him the same way she loved the masochistic lion, the pathetic wolf ran away to Canada. There, life was good. He went to see the CN Tower in Toronto, he ran on some of Banff National Park's trails, he bought some postcards from the Niagara Falls gift shop, then he went to Nova Scotia to see the Louisbourg Fortress, and spent a lot of time in Vancouver, British Colombia.
"Vancouver had to be his favorite place to visit. The pathetic wolf visited the Vancouver Aquarium, the Vancouver Art Gallery, Stanley Park, the Butchart Gardens and many other places. There were many sights to see for the pathetic wolf, but no matter where he went, he was always reminded of the stupid lamb.
"In the Butchart Gardens, the leaves reminded him of the lamb. He didn't know why, maybe he was just that pathetic, but he couldn't escape the memories of that stupid little lamb.
"Eventually, some of his wolf buddies called him and let him know that the little lamb was still getting married and that her wedding was tomorrow and that he should probably come back home to either be all angsty and emo like the masochistic lion when he went to Italy, or to try and stop the wedding, and most likely fail. Either way, the pathetic wolf's father wanted him home.
"The pathetic wolf packed up all of his things, being extra careful when wrapping all of his buddies' souvenirs, and ran home. He came home just in time and went to the stupid lamb's wedding. The pathetic wolf didn't try to stop the wedding, but instead danced with the newly married stupid lamb.
"He still loved her, (a huge part of the reason why he was so pathetic), but he knew that she was happy with the masochistic lion.
"Unfortunately.
"After their dance ended, (the stupid lamb let it slip that she would 'officially' be a part of the lion's family after she and the lion did the horizontal tango and the pathetic wolf may have gotten a teensy bit mad and almost mauled the stupid lamb), the pathetic wolf ran into the forest so that he could run and be all pathetic and emo at home.
"When the wolf got home, all of his friends and family were there and threw him a gigantic party where the pathetic wolf told his dad and all his wolf buddies what he saw in Canada. After two slide shows and passing out all of the souvenirs he got them, the pathetic wolf just wanted his friends to leave so that he could curl up into a corner and be emo in his room.
"He was emo and angsty for a couple months until the stupid lamb and the masochistic lion came home from their honeymoon.
"Wanting to see the stupid lamb, the pathetic wolf ran over to the lion's den and saw the stupid lamb.
"What he saw has to be the Stupidest Thing in the entire world: the stupid lamb was pregnant.
"The pathetic wolf didn't understand how that could work. The masochistic lion…well, he was a lion, and the stupid lamb was a lamb. How did that work? They were two different animals with two completely different sets of DNA.
"But, like anything involving the stupid lamb and the masochistic lion, this pregnancy was stupid and angsty.
"Because of the (impossible) mix of both masochistic lion and stupid lamb DNA, the "baby" was very…is 'special' the right word? Basically the baby lion/lamb/thing made the stupid lamb's uterus into it's own personal hunting/play-ground. But the stupid lamb still loved the baby lion/lamb/thing even though it was slowly killing her.
"Again, there was a reason why she was called the stupid lamb.
"Not nine months later, the baby lion/lamb/thing was born. Due to some complications during its/her birth, (it/she clawed her way out of the stupid lamb's womb), the stupid lamb was on the brink of death. But, because the masochistic lion's family was vegetarian and was anti-violence, therefore anti-death, they saved the stupid lamb from death in the form of many blood transfusions from the masochistic lion.
"Through the magic of love, and the universal donor blood type O, the blood transfusions took and the stupid lamb was saved.
"She was saved and was changed.
"Now, she wasn't just a stupid lamb, oh no, because the masochistic lion gave her so much of his blood, the stupid lamb changed into a stupid lion.
"But that's not all! Let us not forget about the pathetic wolf and his pathetic love for the stupid lamb. So, when the pathetic wolf heard about the stupid lamb 'giving birth' he ran over with the four wolf buddies who supported him, (a pedophilic chocolate brown wolf, a bastard dark brown wolf, a bitter bitchy silver wolf, and a hyper little sandy wolf), and was going to… have a stern talking to with the "baby". However, when the pathetic russet wolf looked into the baby's eyes, he fell in love.
"Just like the pedophilic chocolate brown wolf who fell in love with a two year old did.
"(Hey, I never said that the wolves were great either.)
"So now the pathetic russet wolf decided to not give a stern talking to, but play with and love the baby instead.
"Unfortunately, the lamb/lion/thing/baby attracted the attention of the royal non-veggie lion family from Italy, (apparently lion cubs are a big no-no), and came to the masochistic lion's family's den to punish them for their crime. Fearing the worst, the masochistic lion called all his veggie lion pals to come and protect his baby/daughter/thing, and the pathetic wolf and his buddies (the pedophilic chocolate brown wolf, the bastard dark brown wolf, the bitter bitchy silver wolf- who was named his Beta, and the hyper little sandy wolf) decided to protect the lamb/lion/thing/baby as well since the pathetic russet wolf wanted to protect the love of his life. So, everyone at the masochistic lion's den prepared for the royal lion family's arrival. There was a possibility for the worst: a fight.
"Everyone prepared and worked together. The hyper little sandy wolf actually became friends with the lions! So, everyone prepared for the moment when the royal lion family would come. When they finally did, they didn't fight. Oh no, they just talked.
"Not even a stern talking to, just a polite conversation where they found out that the lion/lamb/thing/baby was not a lion cub, but a hybrid. So, since that was all cleared up (and anti-climactic if you ask me), the royal lion family packed all their stuff up and left, promising that they would make up for the mix-up with lunch, and went back to their castle in Italy.
"So, the masochistic lion's family was safe and so were the wolves. The pathetic russet wolf and the lion/lamb/thing/baby were inseparable, as were the lion/lamb/thing/baby's parents.
"Soon, the pathetic russet wolf and the lamb/lion/thing/baby were great friends, meaning that the stupid lamb could always have her BFF in her life.
"The pathetic russet wolf, the lion/lamb/thing/baby, stupid lamb and the masochistic lion lived happily ever after.
"The End."
"That was not a very pleasant or intellectually stimulating story, Aunt Leah," Nessie complains.
"Yeah, well that's the book you picked out. It's how the story goes," I point out with a shrug.
"It was very silly and pointless," she reflects.
I nod my head, completely agreeing with her.
"I will never read a book by Mephanie Steyer ever again. Stupid story," she huffs.
And I can't help but agree: fucking story.