Almost Was

Kitty let out a long-suffering sigh and looked at John with a mixture of exasperation and resignation on her face. "When is it due?" she asked him wearily.

He grimaced. "Tomorrow," he said.

"Tomorrow?" she exclaimed. "Why didn't you ask me for help like five minutes before you have to pass it?"

He was taken aback by her snappish tone. "Okay. Forget it then." He quickly backed away from her door and started to walk away.

"John, wait." She was immediately contrite. "I'm sorry for the attitude. I've been cramming all day and I always get a bit grouchy before a big exam. Why don't you come in? Let me help." She opened the door wider invitingly.

"I don't wanna bother you if you're busy." He frowned down at her.

"No. It's okay," she assured him. "After hours of oxides and neutrinos, a little Shakespeare is a nice break." She seemed to mean it, so he came in and looked around curiously.

She shared the room with that Jubilee girl, the one who seemed to be genetically incapable of shutting her mouth. It was a nice room, a girly room, stocked with all the usual trappings of boyband posters, fuzzy stuffed animals, and all the other junk that teenaged girls couldn't seem to live without.

She smiled at him a bit shyly. "Over here. I've got a study area set up by the window. So, tell me exactly what parts you're having trouble with."

He told her and, soon, she was busily writing down notes and giving him pointers on how to compose the analytic essay that he had to submit to Miss Munroe on "Much Ado About Nothing."

John was going to classes again. It was the new headmistress's cleverly evil punishment for the fight he had gotten into with Bobby and Peter a few weeks ago. When she had called him into her office along with Kitty, he had been fully prepared to be informed that the X-Men were turning him over to the government's custody after all, or, at the very least, that he would be serving hard labor at the mansion for the rest of his natural born life. Instead she had dealt him an extremely low, underhanded blow. She wanted him to graduate and to "make something of yourself", as she put it. Then, with a very meaningful look at the two of them, which caused Kitty to blush a bright red, she told them that she completely approved of them spending time together, as long as studying was involved. John took note of the very obvious emphasis she placed on the word studying.

So he was a student once more, attending lectures, taking notes, doing homework, and getting bored out of his mind. It wouldn't have been so bad, not even with all the dark glares and the waves of hatred radiating from Bobby, if, as Miss Munroe had suggested, he had Kitty to help him out. But, for some weird reason, Kitty suddenly seemed to have developed an aversion to him.

She didn't meet him at the usual spot in the garden anymore. Whenever they ran into each other in the hallways she would just nod then continue walking away. During the few times he had dared to sit with her and that horribly annoying Jubilee at lunch or dinner, she had barely spoken two words to him. He didn't understand what had gotten into her. He kept racking his brain but he couldn't remember doing anything that could have offended her in any way. It was just weird. What could he have done to make her behave like this?

Maybe, - no. That couldn't be it. He suddenly remembered that little tense scene that had occurred between them in the med lab after he had gotten the snot beaten out of him by his former best friend and Mister Roboto. Actually, that incident had been nagging at the back of his mind since it had happened. Or, rather, he was being haunted by what had almost happened.

He had almost kissed her. He, big badass John Allerdyce, had almost kissed Katherine Pryde. And the really disturbing thing was how much he had wanted to do it. If that stupid Logan hadn't walked in on them when he did, the deed would have been done and God knows what could have happened afterwards.

He had banged his head against the walls of his room later that night, trying to make sense of the sudden strange awareness he had of all things Kitty. He had really thought that the two of them were on their way to becoming friends, or something like it, anyway. She was the only person in the entire place who didn't treat him like he was scum, and she could never guess how grateful he was for that. It was funny, because he remembered her as this mousy little thing back in the old days, before he ran off and joined the Brotherhood. She was the ghost girl, as he labeled her in his mind because of her powers, quiet and almost painfully shy, fading into the background as easily as she could walk through walls. So when he had seen her in the battle in Alcatraz, he had been taken aback. The brave young soldier who faced off against the madness of that night bore very little resemblance to the ghost girl he remembered. Then when he had come back to the school and she had made the attempt to strike up a friendship with him, he had responded reluctantly at first because he knew better than anyone that he didn't deserve such a chance.

He was a killer. Everyone knew that. Everyone knew what he had done for the Brotherhood. They knew it and understood it intellectually, but they had no fucking idea what it was like. He was a killer. He had killed and he had killed several times. Just because he had done it at a distance, burned lives away with fire, didn't make his hands any less bloody. And the really terrible thing was that he had never once felt it was wrong.

So it was really very funny and fucked up that now he was being twisted into knots simply because a slip of a girl wasn't talking to him.

"There. All done," she said. "You should find that useful in helping you write that essay now. Let me read it after you're through so I can do a check." And she picked up her book again and put it between them like a shield.

He endured the silence for several minutes and tried to work on his essay. He could figure out her damage later.

Two more minutes later and he couldn't take it anymore.

"What did I do to piss you off?" he suddenly blurted out.

"What?"

To hell with it. He had already opened his mouth. Might as well swallow his pride then. "For the past few weeks, you've been avoiding me," he said. "Since the med lab," he added, watching her reaction to his words.

She blushed almost immediately. "I – it's nothing. I've just been really busy." Another blush at the very obvious lie.

"Kitty." He had no idea what to say now. "We're friends, right?" He said it like he wasn't so sure about the fact.

"Yeah." She nodded. She didn't meet his eyes. "We're friends."

"Then forget it," he told her softly. "The thing. Whatever it was. Just forget it. We're friends."

"Okay," her voice was so low he barely heard her answer. She looked at him then and gave him that sweet crooked half-smile that only she seemed to be able to manage. "Okay, John."

He returned her smile briefly then bent his head back down to his essay. He told himself that he had only imagined the disappointment in Kitty's voice. And maybe he had also only imagined the same disappointment in his.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(I tried to write something more cheerful than this, I swear. But it's just that when I really think about it, there seems to be no real chance that Kitty and John after X3 could possibly have much of a future together. In fact, I already imagined a possible outcome of any romance between them in 'Secretly'. It's just going to be one big train wreck, folks. But I guess that's what makes their pairing so interesting. And the reason why I will always rage and demand of this unfair universe, "WHY CAN'T IT BE?!"

Oh, well.

Thanks to all you lovelies who read and review my stuff. I'll write something more upbeat next time.)