AN:
This is just a little fic I came up with while I was listening to Lost in Paradise by Evanescence. That song is probably my favorite song right now, and one day I was listening to it after I watched an episode of Young Justice, and I thought it fit Robin perfectly. Well, most of the team, but I wanted to emphasize Robin.
Anyway…YJ © DC Comics. And I don't own Lost in Paradise by Evanescence either
I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
"All this time, I've been trying to convince myself that I am Batman. That I want to be just like him. It's all I've strived for; all I've believed in, for so long. But…I just can't do it. I'm not Batman. I can't be Batman. I can't do it anymore. I still want to be a hero, but…I'm not willing to sacrifice everything like he is. Batman…he's practically immortal. He's human, and he's still one of the greatest members of the league. Me? I'm…I'm human. I'm just Robin. I can't be Batman."
And I've been denying this feeling
Of hopelessness
In me, in me
"Ever since I watched them fall, I've been striving to save everyone. But…that doesn't always work out. I've seen people die. People other than my parents. And it's still hit me hard. Batman knows that people die. He knows that some missions just can't go right. And I know that too. The difference? I can't convince myself that all of that's true. I'm not Batman. I can't stay on track even when I know there might be no hope left. I can pretend all I want, but that's just the outside. During that mission, I just…I couldn't do it."
All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me but I'm broken
"They counted on me. I finally got the chance to lead. And what did I do? I sent all my friends to their deaths. I promised them, hell, I even promised myself, that everyone was fine. But then we got to the ship. Nothing was fine. No one was there. They had all died. I let everyone down. I let myself down. Why couldn't they see that I was lying to them! I had to lie to myself because I just couldn't face the fact that I had seen another family die before my eyes all over again. The first time left me broken enough. The second time? Pure agony."
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now, I'm lost in paradise
"What good am I if I can't be like Batman? If I can't do everything he can. If I can't be who I've been trying to be for four years. I want to be Batman. I want to be able to lead this team perfectly. I want to be invincible. But I'm none of those things. I'm not Batman, I led my team to their deaths, and I'm just human. I knew nothing was going to go right, but I don't know…I just convinced myself that there was a slight chance that-that maybe I was wrong. And that everyone was okay, like everyone else believed they were. But I was wrong. This team was my new family. I guess I just got so caught up in everything that I convinced myself they just couldn't be gone."
As much as I'd like
The past not to exist
It still does
"I'd love to put everything behind me. I'd love to be able to have faced all this pain, and then just going like nothing happened. When my parents died, I was…so lost. If I could have anything, anything in the world, it would be to go back to that one night. That one performance. I could warn them that they need the net. Then I wouldn't have had to go through everything. Sure, I wouldn't be Robin, but…I'd still have my parents. I'd sacrifice anything to have them back. But, I can't think like that. All I can do is wish that the past was all just part of my imagination. A sick dream my mind created. But…it's not. The past is real. The past exists. They're gone. And they'll never be back."
And as much, as I'd like
To feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you
"I have to keep everything together. There have been so many missions, especially the previous one, where I just felt like falling to my knees and crying. I could just call Batman, and tell him that this was beyond me. But…that's not an option. Sure, I'm not the leader, but it's almost like the team still looks to me for advice during missions. If I fall, they'll all just follow. So I have to pretend like I know what I'm doing. And I do know what I'm doing. I just…have to stay strong, even when inside I'm being torn apart. I always half to keep my exterior together even when I'm torn into pieces on the inside. I'd love to tell them that I'm human and I'm afraid too, but…I could never. They look to me as a sense of strength. I can't fall apart in front of them. I have to stay strong. Always…"
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now, I'm lost in paradise
"Not everything works out. I can't always save the day, and everything's not always going to be perfect. That's one thing I've been forced to realize that I think makes me stronger than the rest of the team. I've seen death. I've seen things go from perfect to complete Hell in seconds. And I almost feel guilty for just accepting this. But I can't keep pretending that everything will be alright. As much as I want everything to be perfect and work out fine, it just won't. This new life Bruce gave me…this new team; it's so perfect. But everything, no matter how perfect it looks has flaws. We've been falling apart. The lack of trust we have in one another is pulling us apart. We have too many secrets. And as much as I'd like to tell mine to get everyone else to open up, I just…I can't. I'm not strong enough to open up to them."
Run away
Run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore
Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go
"My parents are gone. And…I know that. But there's just some part of me that won't let the rest of me believe that. I've always wanted to just run away from my pain. When they died, all I wanted to do was get over their deaths and get rid of the pain. But…I've begun to realize that…maybe it's good that I still remember them. As much as it hurts to love them, it's…I want to still love them. That way, I can never forget them. And sure, I'd love for all the pain to go away, but if it means forgetting my parents…I think I'd rather live with the pain. Sure they'll never be real and they'll always just be shadows of the past that follow me around everywhere, but I couldn't imagine having it any other way. I do wish I could just let go, but…when I really think about it, maybe it's better that they still follow me around. That way, I can make sure I never forget them."
Till I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now, I'm lost in paradise
Alone, and lost in paradise
"When they fell, I convinced myself that I had nothing left. And I still want them back so much. Everything was prefect before that night. I had a family who loved me. Not that Bruce doesn't love me, because he does. He's just…he's not them. I've never had a family since then, and I've always been forced to be independent. Even when fighting alongside Batman, we've always done our own things. Batman's obviously the leader, but while we're on patrol…there's no obvious leader. And now this team…Kaldur might be the leader, but they all look to me for guidance. And I just can't figure out why…I feel like all this time, I've just been failing them all.
We clearly weren't ready to make our own team, but I just had to be stubborn and help create this team. I thought everything was going to be perfect, but…it's just not. I still feel alone. And I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. My parents are watching me, the league's watching my every move, and the team's acting based on how I act. And I honestly don't know why they're looking to me for guidance, because I'm not even strong enough to keep myself together.
I'm lost in this paradise I've imagined up. And honestly, it's just turned into a nightmare. Only…it doesn't go away when I wake up."
So there you go. It's kinda drabbley (if that's even a word), but I mainly wrote this while I was listening to the song. If people want, I'll continue this onto some Black Canary and Robin dialogue.