DISCLAIMER: characters here belong to their respective owners, yada yada, don't sue me, yada yada, im just an innocent schoolgirl, yada yada, i don't have enough money, sniff sniff.
WARNING: this fic is generally shounen-ai (love or hints of it between two guys). No Graphic sex (yaoi), or lime, or lemon. If this sort of stuff offends you, then don't read. For god's sake, it's just shounenai!! Or if you don't take hints of innuendo or stuff like that, then this fic is not shounen-ai at all!
RATING: PG 13 for some language and angst.
This fic is dedicated to the 2nd floor people. Aishiteru, minna-san!
By Queen of Paine (queen_of_paine@hotmail.com)
CHAPTER 1:
SOLILOQUIUM
Sometimes I feel myself drowning in his presence. The proximity of his everything barely keeps me from losing my control.
Of course, he doesn't know this. I will never let him know how much of a hold he has on me...
"Ken. The toast?" our leader snapped,obviously getting impatient at the table. It was already 9 in the morning and nobody wanted to have a growling stomach one minute longer.
Ken jumped out of his reverie and I winced as I heard him exclaim "Oh, shit!" Apparently, his clumsiness didn't do him any good because he accidentally touched his hand to the still hot toaster. The plate of the so-called breakfast was now on the floor and nobody had the effort left to clean it up. Sensing Aya's temper about to snap, I stood up from the table and took upon the task of preparing another "meal".
"Don't bother. I just lost my appetite." I watched in exasperation as our redheaded leader stormed out the kitchen after flashing Ken one of his icy glares. I abandoned the said task, now turning to Ken who miserably plopped down on a chair, his eyes betrayed the hurt he felt from Aya's actions.
"Shit, I'm always messing up." He said in a low voice. And even then, I could feel how much it affected Ken. Mentally, I dreamed of punching Aya's lights out. It took me a while before I glanced down to see my hands clenched tight into a fist.
"Hey, don't mind him," I said. I took his burned hand and observed the damage. "You know how much of a shit headed jerk he can be."
"Yeah, but still..." I glanced at his face as his words trailed away. He was staring at a spot behind my left shoulder. I knew what he was thinking about and knew that I could never try to change what was in his mind. I sighed inwardly.
I know, still you...
I had been holding his hand for quite some time now and he still hasn't snapped out of his daydreaming. I wished with all my might that he would open his eyes and see that there's nothing really there for him. That what he dreams for is not what's really meant for him. That he'll only get nothing but pain from this.
It was then that I noticed the dark circles under his eyes.
He must've stayed up all night. What're you doing to yourself, Ken? Why are you doing this to yourself?
Still, I couldn't help but smile at the memory.
Flashback
"Hey, Youji. D'you have something to drink?"
"I thought athletes are off-limits to alchol?" I replied, surprised at his request.
We were in my room, just after completing a mission. It was about 2:30 in the morning then.
"Who told you that? Alcohol, wine, water---I drink. Softdrinks, coffee, well, that's a no-no."
"Still, I didn't know you drink." Each time I was learning something new from Ken and it seemed as if I never want to stop learning.
"Everybody drinks, Youji... Everybody needs to have a drink at some point in their lives." He said those words as if he was talking to somebody else and not me. It was like his body was there in the room but his mind wasn't. It didn't get to me anymore. Somehow, I've gotten used to his spacing off.
He took off his red jacket and draped it at the back of the sofa. I took off my trenchcoat and nonchalantly dropped it somewhere on the floor. I headed towards a corner cabinet, thinking a drink or two might do me some good tonight. I watched him from the corner of my eye. He was sitting at the windowsill, silently staring off into the night. He had his right knee up and his right elbow on it. It gave him the look of some sage burnened with a hundred of the world's problems.
I gazed at him for a while, thinking thoughts that were, well—just that. Thoughts that belonged inside my head--as much as I would like for them to be real.
"I can take anything, Youji. Give me anything you've got." He said, suddenly turning his head to look at me.
Our eyes met and for a moment, my heart seemed to stop beating. I hastily turned away, fear slowly seeping in.
"Uh, sure. Right." I fumbled at the handle of the drawer, my pulse running at the the thought of being found out. Just then, I thought I saw something in his eyes, like he knew what I've been thinking for the last few seconds.
I surveyed my collection of alcohols, deciding to choose something mild enough not to give Ken a hangover in the morning. "Would tequila be alright?"
Not waiting for an answer, I poured us the drink and headed towards him. He took the glass and absently downed half the content in one gulp. I sat on the bed and laid back on the headboard, trying to find a comfortable position. Once again, he was looking out the window, into another world that lived inside his head. I took a sip, welcoming the warmth that flowed from my throat to the pit of my stomach.
The silence stretched on for a few more minutes. But it was the kind of silence that I preferred—the kind of silence that takes place between two people who, one can say, have complete trust in each other. Maybe friends, comrades, confidantes.
My mind drifted off to the events of the past month. Yes, it's been exactly a month since I told him that I knew his secret. I've known for the longest time how he feels about the crimson-haired man. I was the only one who noticed his behavior whenever he was around. I've watched him watch Aya with an expression that cannot be mistaken for anything but deep longing and hopeless adoration. I waited for a while before I confronted Ken, observing more while silently hoping that what I was seeing was not true—was not real. Curiosity kills the cat, or rather, curiosity kills the Balinese. I had to know if these manifestations were what I thought them to be. I was as curious as hell and I was dying from something I wasn't quite sure what.
We were filling our shifts at the shop that day. Omi was at school and as usual, Aya disappeared to some godforsaken place. There was no better time than that moment. Surprisingly, he didn't question me or even showed any sign of bewilderment to my statement.
He just hung his head and murmured " So you noticed, huh?" He was fixing up an arrangement and somehow, he always manages to make his arrangements look more beautiful than any of ours can be.
"Do you think I'm an idiot, Youji?" He looked into my eyes as he asked me, almost in a whisper "D'you think a person like me even has the right to love someone like him? Someone who wouldn't even notice...."
As his voice trailed off, I gazed into pools of chocolate iris and what I found there completely baffled me. I didn't say anything, thinking that it was best not to answer the question. Besides, I wouldn't have found the voice to say at that moment what I really wanted to tell him.
Yeah, Ken, maybe you are an idiot. Aya deserves none of what you're giving to him yet you still go on like everything's fucking ok. But you know what? Aya's the biggest idiot in this lifetime—he doesn't even give a fucking regard to those who even care enough to love someone so cold as he is.. .
Of course I knew I was already way out of line by then. By confirming my worst fear, I satisfied my curiosity but inside, I was dying. It was like some heavy void replaced my nagging assumptions and what was left was the last thing that I wanted to admit to myself.
An unspoken bond was made that day. The clumsy Ken that I knew turned into a talkative one everytime we were alone. He had given me his trust even though I said nothing to assure him that what I knew wouldn't reach Aya's ears. I held on to that trust as I've never held on to anything in my life. The unconditional friendship he keeps on with me amazes me and frightens me at times.
Without even realizing it, I've become his confidante. And this new role he's unconsciously given me made me awkward, something I'm not used to feeling. After all, I am Kudou Youji. Since that day, he talked to me like I was the only one who can try to understand him. And it actually seemed like I was the only one who can.
Our "talks" would always revolve around Aya, then they would drift to other topics. But it would always come back to him—always. Deep inside, I was getting pretty sick of hearing Ken talk so unselfishly about the one person who treats him like trash. Always, I would watch in fascination as his eyes glowed with warmth whenever he talks about Aya. It was like watching a movie through someone else's eyes. And always, I would give him petty "advice", feeling that it was what I must do. I was his friend after all, yet the one thing that I really wanted to tell him was not what he was ready to hear.
There were nights—night like this one—when he would follow me to my room. Here we would find comfort in each other's company while everyday we got closer and closer. Inside my head, a voice was telling me to stop this madness, to move away from this bond that was getting dangerously tighter. But somehow, my ego stopped rationalizing and clearly gave in to my impulses.
I didn't even mind when he just barges into my room without warning, offering some random excuse of wanting to borrow my aftershave or just plain wanting to talk. Everytime I find myself in situations like these, I always hear myself saying something like "Sure, Ken" or "Ok, shoot". Before I knew it, 5 hours had passed and I was no closer to getting out from this mess I had willingly stepped into.
Tonight, he was unusually silent. I lifted my hand to drag on my cigarette but the stick between my fingers had already been long gone out, a glaring proof that the silence had stretched on longer than expected.
"Youji. . ."
"Hm?"
"When Asuka died . . . what was the first thought that came to your head?" He asked in a soft voice
We've been frequently talking about each other's lives for the past month. Normally, a personal question like that would've annoyed me to hell. But coming from Ken, it was different.
"Heh, that's a hard one." I took a deep breath, exhaling it out slowly. "At first I wanted to die . . . then everything just lost it's meaning, you know. The one thing that I lived for was the day that I would finally be able to tell her..."
I took another sip to warm myself before going on. "But life can really mess up your plans for you and I ended up sending her to her grave." I shook my head slowly, remembering the pain that still echoed from years ago. "I thought: Now you've fucking done it, Kudou". I gave a wry smile as an image of Asuka being shot flashed through my head.
"No shit, man." Came the soft reply
I'm sorry, Asuka. You must be laughing at me right now—I've really messed up big again. Hah, he still thinks I'm fucking straight! Didn't you always tell me that I had a miserable life? Well, what a life it is. What do I do now, huh? I know you're happy up there. . . but I would really like some help here. . .". . .Yeah, no shit."
I blinked twice and was taken aback as I turned my head slightly to look at Ken staring not into the night but into my eyes. I stare back into his brown ones, my pulse beginning to quicken for the second time that night. I didn't hold anything back. I told him everything I've ever wanted to tell in those few seconds we shared. If the message did get through, he gave no sign to show it. Instead, he stood up and strode towards the cabinet to refill his glass. He returned to his place in the windowsill, just like before, as if nothing had happened.
3:24am. I sighed and closed my eyes, knowing fully well that what was on his mind was someone who I can never compete with.
Are you always this unselfish, Ken? So gullible? You should know by now that I'm not the most trusting person around here. You should know that Aya is not willing to pay back the agony you're so damn suffering for him now.
"Ohayou, Youji. Sleep well. . ." I dimly heard him say.
"Ohayou, Ken. Don finish off the botle awryt?" I replied with my eyes still closed, words turning slurry. Tonight's mission, Ken and Aya, everything was taking a toll on me. Suddenly, I was tired. I felt myself drifting off to sleep.
From somewhere in the dark, I heard footsteps and then a door closing.
He's not worth it. . . He's so damn undeserving, Ken. Onegai. . . I don't want you to get hurt anymore. . .
End flashback
"You're gonna give me a major burn if you don't stop staring at my hand. Really, it's fine." I blinked as I raised my gaze to his face, my brows knit together in confusion.
"Oh, right." I quickly rose to my feet as it finally registered in my brain that he was talking about the minor burn he got earlier.
"So, you up for a drive, Kenken?" I stretched my limbs languidly, hoping that my mentioning his hated nickname would make him forget my space cadet behavior earlier.
"Quit the crappy name-calling." He said in a would-be intimidating tone. He began to clear the table. "Depends, I guess. Why? Where're we headin?"
"Deliveries. I kinda need the help. There's about a dozen lined up for today. Besides, you don't have soccer stuff to do, right?" I was already jingling the care keys in my hand.
He yawned. "I was actually thinking about sleeping the day away, Youji, if you don't mind."
Yeah, so you can be near him, too, right? I was suddenly irritated at Aya, a pointless hatred slowly boiling to the surface, threatening to break my insanity at one point or another.
"C'mon, you can sleep in the car during the drive. I'll only need help carrying out the deliveries." It was only after I said these statements that I realized that I had just resorted to begging. Kudou Youji did not beg. But for some reason, I was determined to make Ken come with me. As if reading my thoughts, he voiced out exactly what I'd been thinking.
"Lay off, Youji. I'm tired, alright? Why're you so hell bent on this, anyway?" He walked past me and headed upstairs.
I don't know, Ken. Why don't you tell me? I turned and quickly followed him. My mind was already resolved, no matter what, I knew that I had to make Ken come with me, even if I had to go down on my knees and kiss his feet. If I was to resort to begging, I was prepared to do it all the way.
"Please Ken. I really need the help." He stopped at the top of the stairs. I was facing his back, apprehension taut all over my body. He must've noticed that I was being unusually pesky today. "Omi can go with you and I can fill his shift in the shop. Why me?" He now turned to me, annoyance set in his features.
Because I want you to get away as far from him as possible so you can stop thinking about him for just a second.
Because I want to see you smile and not hurt by his fucking insensitivity.
And because for some fucking reason, spending the day with you seems to be the only thing I'm interested in doing.
"I honestly don't know, Ken. But I do know that if you don't go with me, I won't be able to treat you to dinner later on." I gave him a sly grin. I already knew that he was going to give in soon. "Besides, fresh air would do you some good, clear up that head of yours."
He smiled back, knowing that I had just won. His smile only did crazy things to my head.
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I'm sorry, Ken. I'm such a crappy liar. Someday I will tell you the truth. You deserve to know the truth.
Someday.
Maybe.
And then you'll know . . .
Until then, I will give you all that I can to make you happy. It's not much but if I can do that, perhaps this guilt inside me might make you understand why I lied.
You don't deserve to be lied to, Ken.
Not when the one who lied to you is the one who you trust most.
Not when the one who lied to you is the one who stole from you the one thing you deserve to have. . .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------to be continued. . .
Author's Notes:
Soliloquium (or soliloquy) \so-lee-lo-kwee\ or \so-lee-lo-kee\derived from Latin solus which means alone + loqui which means to speak. 1. the act of talking to oneself. 2. A dramatic monologue that represents unspoken reflections by a character. à Just in case you guys wanted to know what the title means. '__'
~~Wai! Sugoi! My first Weiss ficcie! Please do not post/archive to other sites or pages without permission. Onegai! Email me first! Comments appreciated. Thanks to Star for reviewing this fic.