When I was a child, I told my parents when I grew up I wanted to be a hero. Heroes were brave and daring and made the world a better place. They were different from the normal citizens because they took the chances and risked their lives. I was always told I was different. So I wondered why not me? Why couldn't I be a hero too? I suppose they forgot to tell me crazy people are the exception for heroics.
But times like these makes me wish there were heroes.
If heroes were real, they would make sure this never happened. They'd destroy that robotic monster before it did any damage. They wouldn't even allow one soul to perish because they would know exactly how to save the day. They wouldn't be running through the corpses littered in the hallways and hiding in the file room too cowardly to save the day on their own.
"In the event you don't survive the testing process, DNA may be harvested from your body –with your consent– and used to create clones in the furtherance of science. Failure to survive the testing process shall be viewed as consent."
There she- it goes again. That thing isn't a she anymore. She died the minute it woke up. I told them it was a bad idea, I TOLD them! I should have tried harder but they just… wouldn't listen! No one listens to me now that they're all dead! How can they be dead? I was talking to them only minutes ago! We WORKED together! It's that monster's doing and now I'm the only one left who can possibly fix this. And I don't even know if I'll make it.
"Also, clones don't have souls. Just so you know."
At least I'm not a clone. Just a schizophrenic scientist. Click. Click. Click. Each tap on the keyboard grows louder and louder in my mind. One more click of a button. That's all it takes for the smallest glimmer of hope I can get out of here alive. It can't find me here but I still can't shake the fear that tendrils of neurotoxin will start wafting into the room any minute now. Just a few more lines left…
Chell [REDACTED]
"Like twins."
It has to be her.
[SAVING FILE… 100%]
[Test subject order modified]
And so it's done. I can feel my body release my pent-up tension after the Test Subject Order is fully saved. Everything is in her hands now. But what if it's not enough? What if I've overestimated her? What if she fails? What if I'm getting paranoid again and need to calm down? I've done all I can now; all I can do is wait. And wait.
The only problem is the waiting terrifies me more than failure.
She never gives up. Ever. That's what her file said but I don't need a file to tell me what I already know. Will I give up? Will I even last a day in this madhouse before its new queen snatches me up and turns me into one of her lab rats? I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about my dead friends and colleagues and the few survivors soon to be dead by testing under the rule of that wretched machine.
But I can't hide here forever unless I want to starve to death. I heave myself out of the office chair, not really even knowing where I'm supposed to go now. My stomach lurches and I grab the doorframe for support before I can fall. The nausea's starting back up this soon? I could have sworn I'd taken my medication just a few hours ago. I suppose when you're running for your life, time really flies. I reach in my pocket and pull out…
Where are my pills?
I KNOW I put them right in my pocket. I ALWAYS put them there so I can avoid this type of situation. Except… I was filling my prescription again. I can see it now, my pen scratching against the paper and Henry popping in to tell me it was about to be activated. I followed him, WHY did I do that without grabbing the bottle? I need those pills. My mind is racing, no, my mind is unhinging. I know what happens when I'm off them too long: I'll LOSE it, I know I will-
Deep breaths, Doug. Panic will only make the medication wear off more quickly. My chest rises up and down and my raspy breaths fill the uncannily silent hallway. It's too quiet. That monster hasn't said anything all this time I've been in here. Could it have really started so quickly on testing? Our goal was to build a machine made specifically for testing and I suppose we succeeded. Damn, we succeeded.
My legs feel like lead. Each step I take seems to get me no closer to the end of the hallway. It's really just me now. Unless someone else miraculously survived and evaded capture too. If only. I wonder what do they think now? Now that their precious creation has turned against them, what else did they expect? That's what science does to you- it plays with your mind, gives you these delusions of grandeur and the entire time you don't even notice until it's too-
"Doug?"
-late.
Speaking of delusions, I know that voice.
"Henry?" That's his voice, I'd know it anywhere! "Henry where are you? Henry? Henry, say something!"
He can't say anything. I saw his body hit the floor in the main chamber. I saw the stunned look on his face, as if he couldn't imagine that monster could get the better of us. Oh god, it's starting.
Just keep going, Doug. He's not real. He sounds real but he's not because… he's just NOT. Sometimes things that are obviously real aren't and this is one of those cases! I'll just focus on the ground… no, that won't work; I'll bump into something. Fine then, straight ahead. Keep your eyes straight ahead. No matter what you see, no matter how enticing it may seem, do NOT stop-
Did I just see what I think I saw?
A red scarf. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. Before she became it, shewore that scarf every day. Even on her last day, she wore it. Then… SHE'S HERE. Oh god, what will she say, what will she think when she finds out what happened? I anxiously turn my head and…
All I see is empty, lifeless space.
I need to take my pills fast. It's just the medicine, Doug, you can't let it get the better of you. Only a few hallways left, and then everything will be fine! I promise! It's just a few more feet, a few more feet… what could possibly go wrong?
Everything.
The voices are the worst part. With visions, you can at least attempt to figure out what's real and what's not but voices are so… convincing. It's like they give you hope that you're really not crazy only you're sucker-punched into thinking you're sane when you realize they lie to you too. I feel like everything is a lie for me. Oh god, I NEED my pills. First, I need to calm down, keep my thoughts sorted before they become a tangled mess.
I have a checklist for when this happens. It helps me figure out what's real and what's fantasy. I check and answer, check and answer, it's so simple! Check 1: is this plausible? Answer: Well, I DON'T KNOW. I thought everyone was dead! Check 2: Is anyone else in the room reacting or commenting on the situation? No… because they're all dead! Why is this so much harder than I thought it would be?
"Hey, Doug, do you mind grabbing me a water bottle on your way out?"
I freeze. That's Bryan Osborne's voice. He worked in the medical labs. Sometimes he'd stop by and chat with my coworkers. But that's not him. I know it's not him. It CAN'T be him because he's… he's… he's dead.
You're not real. You're not real, you're NOT.
The voice of Sarah Paul pulls me in the other direction. "Did you get those documents filed yet? We don't want Black Mesa getting their hands on that data, Doug!"
You're not real either.
"We're almost done with the big project, Doug!" Stanley Norris announces cheerfully from another area. "Last chance to pitch in; we could use your intellect!"
YOU'RE NOT REAL.
"Doug!" My head whips around trying to figure out where Aaron Grey's voice is coming from. "The project was a huge success! It's really quite difficult to emphasize how accomplished this is for science!"
NONE OF YOU ARE REAL. WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?
"We had another test subject die today, Doug! Do you mind helping me drag her body to the incinerator?"
"SHUT UP!" It's quiet again. I like it when it's quiet. Less noise means I can hear myself. But then they can hear me. What if they're listening right now? I KNOW they are because they're ALWAYS listening! They never go away! EVER! "I know you're here! Stop hiding and come out!"
They won't come out yet. They're scared. They're sooo scared. Are they scared of me? I'm not scary, I'm PERFECTLY normal. See? Would normal people kill hundreds of scientists with neurotoxin? NO. But I'm not normal, am I? Am I not? Am I? TELL ME. TELL ME I'M NORMAL.
"Cave Johnson here!" Johnson? Oh, thank god Johnson! I thought I was going crazy! Well I am crazy but this time I thought I'd really lost it. Like 60% crazy and going to 80% crazy. I guess I'm 20% crazier now! "You lab boys quit your yappin' and get back to work!"
But-but Johnson, that thing is going to kill us if we finish it! It already did! Don't you see? It needs to be destroyed!
"As for you Rattmann, get to work on that GLaDOS project! Moon rocks don't take breaks and the ones poisoning me are working overtime! So get cracking before I send some knucklehead to replace you! Joking, I can't fire you because I'm already dead!"
NO! You are NOT going to leave this one me! This is all YOUR fault; if you couldn't just keel over and DIE like the rest of us then we wouldn't be dead! I don't care what favors I owe you anymore, LET ME GO! Can't you see it? Can't you see what you've done? Look what you've done, Johnson! JOHNSON! WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME?
…
Nothing. The voice is gone! The moment's gone! Where's Johnson? Where's Johnson? WHERE'S JOHNSON? I have to find him. But I have to find my pills. Pills, Johnson, Pills, Johnson, Pills- YES! Pills come first. Then I'll find him. I'll find him if I have to tear down all of Aperture. Focus, Doug! You have to keep going, one foot in front of the other, it's just down this hallway to the right-
A red scarf flies by just out of the corner of my vision.
I whirl around this time. I KNOW I saw it this time! She's just guilt-tripping me now! IT'S NOT MY FAULT. Do you think I planned for any of this to happen? Quit blaming me and open your eyes and see what HE did to you! Where are you hiding? AGH, I can't deal with this right now! I have to get to my pills!
I'm running, no I'm flying, to reach my desk. Past the cubicles, past the test chambers, past the surveillance rooms, I'm like a bullet shot from a gun.
I MADE IT! The bottle's on top of my desk. My cluttered desk filled with less actual paperwork and more nonsensical drawings. That doesn't matter now. No one will ever see these drawings, let alone sit at any of these desks. I thought I would never make it but now everything's going to be fine, perfect in fact! I unscrew the cap lid and…
Two.
There are only two left.
Oh god. That won't last for a year. That won't last for a month. That won't even last for a WEEK. I need them NOW. I need more than just two! I need to two hundred! Two thousand! Two MILLION. There… that would be perfect. We could all sit together and eat cake. I like cake, everybody likes cake. But it's all a LIE because I don't have any pills! Just these two and they don't like me at all!
"Yes we do!" the pills cry "We love you! Please don't eat us!"
My hands are shaking. How could I possibly think of eating them? They're so small and… adorable. They're blue and orange like the portals test subjects go through. Think of all the time and effort, the love put into creating these tiny little pills. All for science. If I destroy them, I destroy science…
I quickly toss the pills back into the bottle. Now they'll be safe. Why can't I be rational…
Rationality's not my friend! Rationality HATES me and I HATE rationality! Who needs it anyways? No one here because they're all DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! They're dead. OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? Keep. It. TOGETHER. You are FINE, Doug. I can't take them. Now is not the time. When will it ever be the right time? Not until the end.
For the end times.
I grab a pen and hastily scribble "For the End Times" on a scrap of paper and wrap it around the bottle. It's not the end. Not yet anyways. Or is it? If I don't know then I should take the pills just to be safe- NO! I throw it in the locker and slam it shut. I have to wait, I HAVE to. Just walk away, Doug. They're not real anymore. I turn around but can't seem to make myself take any steps. They're pulling me back, calling to me.
"Help us Doug…" they whisper from the locker. Their voices are like ghosts. "We're so cold… so lonely…"
I HAVE TO SAVE THEM.
Oh wait, it says, "Do Not Open." I guess that means it's locked forever. But they NEED me. How could they lock the door on me? It's all the scientists' fault! They've been conspiring against me this whole time. The conniving, evil little-
Except they're dead.
Get a grip, Doug. GET A GRIP ALREADY. I need to get out of this room, I need to get out of this FACILITY. I take off with no idea where to go just that I need to get away. I'll run! I'll run so far away I'll fall off the edge of the world! Or not. I think I'll just stick with running. I stop in my tracks at an observational chamber. I can see one of those wretched tests. But this one's different; this one has a person inside of it.
It's her.
She's so… real. Like a gazelle in motion, she leaps from test to test so quickly, so beautifully. It's almost as if she was created to test. I walk closer to the window, pressing my face against the glass hoping for just an ounce of human contact. If only she could see me, if only she could see how much I want her to defeat the queen so I- we can leave this place forever. I'm so sorry it had to come to this; if I could I would- oh no.
The gazelle has fallen.
No! This wasn't how it was supposed to happen! She was going to save me! She was going to save herself! The portal gun crashes to the floor as she puts her hands on her open chest. A turret. They must have spotted her and shot her down. Her guts are spilling out yet she doesn't stop. She stumbles to pick up the portal gun and when she falls to the floor, she crawls to reach it, still trying to finish the test. It's true. She does not give up. Ever.
But that doesn't mean her body won't give up on her. There's so much blood, streaking across the floors, drenching her hands. Why won't it stop? I can't watch… but I made this happen. I can't just stand here! I have to help her- but what could I possibly do? Hold her hand while she slowly bleeds to death? Oh no. She's looking at me. What do I do? What do I do? How can she even see me? This can't happen! THIS CAN'T.
Her lips move.
"I failed."
And with that she crumples to the floor.
"NO!" I back away from the observation window and run. She failed. Which means I failed. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT. I keep running and running but it won't GO AWAY. I know I failed! I just want to move on! I just want to get out of here! But I'm never getting out of here, I'm going to wither away in this madhouse because I failed!
Failure.
I trip and crash to the floor. The voices won't stop now. MAKE THEM STOP. They keep saying the same thing. You failed, Doug. And it's TRUE. I don't want it, I don't want it, someone help me! Someone please be alive! But they're dead because I failed. I curl up in a ball, trying to shut them out but I know it's true. I failed, I failed, I failed…
When I wake up, for a fleeting moment I think everything is fine. Everyone's alive, the monster is sleeping, and science is getting done. Check 1: Is this plausible?
No.
Check 2: Is anyone in the room reacting or commenting on the situation?
No.
Everything is not fine.
Everyone is dead, the queen reigns supreme, and I've just sealed away my only hope for sanity until the End Times. And it's only been a few hours. I just want to disappear. I want to melt and disintegrate just so I can forget about all this. Is that so hard to do? Wouldn't the world be no different without me anyways?
"Doug…"
What? Who's there now? Who could possibly be alive after all this? I bury my head in my knees, willing the voice to go away and leave me alone. For once can't I just be left alone? I don't want to listen to anyone.
"Who is it? Where are you?"
"Over here!" the voice gently projects. It's not the queen; it sounds too nice to be that monster. It sounds so… harmless. I'm not used to harmlessness in Aperture. It could be a trap. My eyes search every corner of the room until they fall upon one of the Aperture Science Companion Cubes. How did that get in here? It should be in the test chamber, not outside the panels of the test chamber!
"D-did you say something?" I ask tentatively. What if it doesn't respond? I'll really look like a lunatic then.
"You found me!" the cube exclaims excitedly.
Of course it talks. Everything can talk when I'm off my medication.
"Go away." I don't want another voice bothering me. I've had enough voices berating and hurting me as it is.
"I would never hurt you, Doug."
"H-how do I know that?"
"Because," Cube replies, "Friends don't hurt each other."
Friends? But all my friends are dead… all five of them are. Why does losing five friends hurt so much more than losing a hundred people? I hate myself for hurting more than I hate the queen for killing them.
I should have saved them. But at the end of the day I'm not a hero; I'm an institutionalized madman who only got this job because Aperture was desperate for employees. Even worthless, cowardly lunatics like myself. How could I possibly ever save the day? But oh, if I had just ONE chance, I swear, I swear I would save them! I'd save everyone! Please give me one more chance; I promise I won't disappoint you!
Then I remember there's no one to disappoint now. Oh god, what have I done? I didn't try hard enough to stop the project. If only I'd pressed harder, if only I'd evacuated the scientists, if only I'd hit the kill switch, if only, if only, if only…
"Don't cry, Doug," Cube murmurs softly, "This isn't the end. You are alive. You survived."
"For what? To spend the rest of my life scurrying around hiding like a miserable little rat and talking to an inanimate object?" Cube doesn't respond. "I'm sorry. That was horrible of me. I'm a horrible person sometimes."
"I understand. You can't give up hope," Cube says, "She is still alive. We both know that if there's anyone who can defeat the queen, it's her."
I look down at Cube. It has such sweet little pink hearts; the sight of them makes me feel… comforted. Maybe even loved. I haven't felt such a feeling like this in ages. Is this the hidden power of the Companion Cube? Is this why test subjects love them so much? "You really think so?"
"I know so."
I'm smiling. I'm smiling and thousands of innocent people have died in just a few hours. But I'm smiling because just for this moment, this fleeting moment, I want to believe everything will be all right. That one day I'll wake up with the sun glaring in my eyes and stars so close I feel like I can touch them. But as for now I am nothing more than a survivor. I'm no hero, but I am a survivor.
I wrap my arms around Cube and lean my head against its top, closing my eyes to escape. Dreaming is no different from reality now but perhaps I can dream of a world without madness. I'll deal with the waking up part later. Check 1: Is this plausible?
Running from a power-mad AI and finding solace in a talking Companion Cube? Absolutely not.
Check 2: Is anyone in the room reacting or commenting on the situation?
Just me. Me and Cube. What an odd pair we are. I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
After all, Cube is my only friend now.
A/N: It only figures when I need to be working on Better You Than Me I do something completely unrelated and different! I apologize if there are any psychological inaccuracies with my depiction of schizophrenia. I'm taking a psychology class right now and the teacher was talking about schizophrenia and it made me think about Rattmann so I decided to try a crack at writing him.