It's me again. I really am a glutton for punishment. I've read a number of fanfics with dire and serious goings on, on the Citadel when Garrus was in C-Sec. However you know there have to have been days that were just too weird to be believed. Nothing majorly serious but seriously insane. This story came about while talking to Kirstie Earlene, so come view my take on - One of Those Days. Also I still owe Combat Engineer a fluff piece. Enjoy. This is set after - Just Another Saturday Night and before A Matter of Perspective and Each in Their Own Way. Different Path is AU. (If I've made a mistake, please let me know.)

Not Covered in the Manual

Word had spread across the lower wards, like a creeping ground mist. Whispered from person to person and texted – all to say one thing - stay the hell away from Flux this evening. It had been taken over. By, of all things, C-Sec. Most of one station's Day shift was ensconced in the bar, trying to forget.

Even the usual 'up for any kind of brawl' Krogans had decided to give the bar a pass - for that evening. A squad of C-Sec was a challenge – a whole station was suicide. Particularly a bar almost full of Turians in various stages of drunkenness. A totally drunk Turian was a push over – mostly – a barely drunk and stressed out Turian was a fight that just hadn't happened yet.

C-Sec Officer, Garrus Vakarian was perched on a stool at the darker end of the bar. He wasn't really drunk, but then again he most certainly wasn't totally sober. The last few days had been the most frustrating, annoying, insanity he'd yet to deal with in his two years on the Citadel; and, Spirits, it wasn't over yet.

"Hey Vakarian." Came a familiar husky voice and an older Turian slid onto the stool next to him.

"Teskal." Garrus happily greeted his friend. "I didn't know you'd gotten back."

"Just a couple of hours ago." His friend spun his stool to take in the bar. "What in Spirit's name happened? I've never seen this much of Day Shift in here drinking." He peered closely at the mass of people.

"Even Palin's aide and his secretary are in here and I know those two don't really drink."

"It's a looong story." Garrus tapped on the bar with a talon and held up two fingers as the Turian bar tender looked to him. With a nod the man poured two shots and delivered them to the end of the bar.

Teskal picked up the glass and after a mandible click to Garrus, downed the contents. He choked and sputtered almost spitting it all out.

"Why in Spirit's name are you drinking that armor polish?" He coughed trying desperately to clear his throat.

"Cheapest way to get drunk." Came the answer.

"Cheapest way to melt your fringe and rot your brain, maybe." Teskal shot back. He grabbed Garrus's shot out of his hand and tapped on the bar with his talon. The bar tender looked up and cocked his head in question.

Teskal made a motion with all three talons and the man nodded. He poured two more shots but from an entirely different bottle. He brought them over and took away Garrus's untouched shot.

"You could have at least let me drink it." Garrus complained.

"I'm doing your brain and your gizzard a favor." Teskal retorted. "Tomorrow's hangover will be lethal if you keep drinking that plate scrub."

Garrus cautiously took a sip to find that Teskal had ordered up a mid range Turian whiskey. It was smooth and didn't leave him trying to cough up his gizzard, though he suspected it was stronger than he thought.

He held up his glass in salute to Teskal.

"Okay, now that your brain isn't in danger of liquefying – you can tell me what brought all this on." Teskal indicated the bar and all its customers.

Garrus sighed and took another sip of the whiskey. To his mind he wasn't quite drunk enough yet; but he'd probably get there before the end of his tale.

Garrus

"It all started three days ago."

"Three days!" Teskal exclaimed. "Did slavers attack the Presidium?"

Garrus took another measured sip. "One could almost wish. At least you can shoot slavers."

Teskal looked thoroughly startled as the younger man started talking.

"Chellick and I were out to lunch with Palin's secretary."

"He is not still pursuing her, is he?" Teskal was incredulous.

Garrus gave a mandible click of agreement.

The older man scoffed. "She's so tier obsessed that she wouldn't even use him for stress relief."

"Seems the only one who hasn't figured that out is Chellick."

Chellick was a friend; but he seemed to have set his sights on something way out of his reach.

Then again, Garrus thought sourly to himself, there was a chance. There was always a chance according to the humans; and Chellick had more of a chance to date the secretary than he, Garrus Vakarian, had of ever becoming a Spectre.

Unknowingly he'd let his bitterness seep into his sub harmonics. Teskal replied with a comforting hum. He was well aware of Garrus's disputes with his father on the subject. Had taken the younger man's side in the argument. In the end though, it had more been because of his mother's barely suppressed wishes that Garrus acceded to the older man's edicts.

His mother had been an infiltrator – a good one, so he hadn't understood her dismay at his wanting to be a Spectre. A little annoying voice, that he was hearing more of, at the back of his mind piped up – maybe BECAUSE she'd seen the really ugly side of fighting and combat, she hadn't wanted it for either of her children

"So you were out at lunch?" Teskal got him back on track.

"Yeah, Chondos, that place near C-Sec."

Teskal gave a click of acknowledgement. Chondos catered to both levo and dextro and C-Sec made up the bulk of their clientele.

Three Days Ago

Garrus ignored Chellick's attempts to convince/coax Sintai to go out with him. He was tired from a late night stakeout, and hungry. E-rat bars did not, in his mind, constitute a good meal. Full – yes, good – no.

Sintai was doing her usual not really paying attention to Chellick; but not completely ignoring him. She was a master of it and Chellick seemed not to notice. Either that or he was far more enamored of Sintai then Garrus thought.

At least, she was ignoring Garrus at the moment. There for a while it seemed as if she was interested in him. Most likely because of his father's status in C-Sec. Even if he'd needed stress relief, which he more often did these days, he wouldn't have gone near her. You didn't go behind a friend's back like that.

He was concentrating on his meal when he started to pick up shocked and dismayed sub harmonics from some of the other Turians in the restaurant. He even heard a couple of gasps from a pair of Salarians on the patio.

He was curious but much more focused on eating until Sintai let out a squawk. Infants squawked, children squawked, adolescents in their last growth spurt occasionally squawked; adult females did not squawk.

He glance up to find her staring outside to the concourse, her mouth near open in shock. He rotated so he could follow her line of sight and it was his turn for his mouth to gape.

"What in Spirit's name is that human wearing?" Sintai was dumbfounded. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Chellick also staring.

"Ah…" Garrus rubbed the back of his neck, nervously. "That would be nothing."

There were only a couple of humans on day shift at this station; but he'd caught a glimpse of them once or twice in the showers. They, however, bore no resemblance to this human or he to them. This human was oddly shaped. The muscle mass that Garrus was used to seeing around a human's shoulders appeared to have gotten bigger then fallen around his belly and it was all jiggly and droopy, not muscular. He had next to no fur or hair or whatever they called it on his head; but lots elsewhere, including his back.

"What is that dangling out of that fur between his legs?" Sintai went on.

Garrus wished with all his might that she hadn't asked that particular question.

"Ah…er…" Garrus was trying to figure out how to explain when Chellick spoke up.

"That's his manhood!"

"HIS WHAT?" Sintai damn near squawked again.

By now the rather odd and very naked human had attracted the attention of everyone in Chondos.

Garrus could see the two Asari that owned Chondos glaring at the various C-Sec officers as if to say – Well, you're C-Sec do something.

Unfortunately he and Chellick were the junior officers here, which meant that they were going to have to deal with this human.

That thought was reinforced when one of his superiors turned to stare at them. Garrus knew an order when he saw it.

"Come on, Chellick, looks like it's up to us." With a sigh, he got to his feet.

"We're on…" His friend began to protest until he glanced around and saw their superior, and then it was his turn to sigh. "Right behind you, Vakarian."

Excusing themselves they went outside. The naked human had stopped and was admiring the view; unaware or uncaring that he was presenting an unobstructed view of his somewhat large and very flabby and hairy backside to the restaurant. Or that there was a lot of murmuring and nervous laughter going on around him.

Hearing them approach the man turned around. Spirits, he even had fur on his face. Garrus idly wondered how he ate with it without eating it.

"Yes officers?" At least he sounded friendly and surprisingly sober.

"Sir, what are you doing here?" Garrus tried to sound as pleasant as he could. Unfortunately, he'd learned by now that Turians didn't come off to humans as friendly sounding on their first meeting.

"Taking in the sights of this magnificent edifice." The man proclaimed jovially. Apparently completely unaware of all the other Citadel inhabitants who were avoiding coming anywhere near him.

"You seemed to have forgotten something." Chellick spoke up, trying to keep his gaze fixed on the man's face.

"Forgotten? I have my ID and credit chit right here." The man held up the small pouch that hung around his neck.

"No sir. You seem to have forgotten your clothes." Garrus went on.

"No I haven't. I'm a naturist." He said proudly. "I'm here for the ANIU convention."

"ANIU?" Garrus and Chellick looked at each other. They hadn't heard anything about an ANIU convention at any briefings they'd attended. Any convention that wasn't something C-Sec was used to was always discussed in a briefing.

"As Nature Intended Us." He scowled. "None of that unnatural genetic modification they try to foist off on us these days. Who knows what they're doing to us."

"This isn't the convention level sir." Garrus went on..

"So?" Now the man's voice began to take on a hint of belligerence.

"Convention rules and behavior are only acceptable on the convention level, in the convention venue." Garrus explained patiently.

"You trying to tell me I can't practice my beliefs?"

"You can sir, but only at the convention."

"We were told that we could go anywhere on the Citadel, save the Presidium." He shot back.

Both Garrus and Chellick shuddered inwardly at the thought of a naked human up on the Presidium. Palin would never hear the end of it from the Councilors and they would never hear the end of it from Palin.

"Whoever told you that didn't explain everything correctly, sir." Garrus told him. "You can go anywhere as long as you're are clothed. Unclothed is only allowed at the convention venue."

"I don't believe you. You're just trying to interfere with my rights because I'm human."

"No sir, it's because you're naked." Garrus said patiently.

The man crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at them. "It's because I'm human." He repeated.

"We're security sir and it's our job to maintain order on the Citadel for all the species, humans included." Chellick tried to explain. The human just got more belligerent looking.

"Cops are all armed thugs no matter the species. I was warned about anti-human aliens like you, particularly in C-Sec."

Garrus realized right then that the human was not going to cooperate with them. He spared a moment to feel sorry for the human police that had had to contend with this one, because he was sure they had at one time or another.

"I'm afraid that you'll have to come with us, sir." Garrus didn't try to touch him. He wasn't sure how the man would react and with him wearing no clothes, Garrus was far more likely to injure him unwittingly. At least Hanar had relatively tough skins; they also usually cooperated with C-Sec.

"Armor plated bullies." The man spat at them; but at least he didn't try to run. Then Garrus realized that they'd have to walk him back to C-Sec.

"Chellick, go see if Chondos has an old spare tablecloth?"

"Why?" Chellick asked then his eyes happened to drop from the man's face and his mandibles slapped tight to his face. With a sub harmonic of understanding and dismay he headed into the restaurant.

"What is your name, sir? And how long did you plan to be on the Citadel." Garrus politely asked. He could, he knew, come across as tough and no nonsense; but Palin had suggested (well, ordered really) that they try to be more understanding of humans. He'd liked to have seen Palin try to deal with this human. He also heard, in the back of his mind, his father telling him that C-Sec had to be understanding of different species. Again, he'd of liked to have seen his father deal with this.

"And if I don't tell you?" Now the human was being obstructive just to be obstructive. He was also, Garrus nose twitched slightly, beginning to give off a scent. It wasn't bad or anything, just undiluted human. It had taken Garrus a couple of months to adjust to the plethora of scents on the Citadel – now he hardly noticed it except in a situation like this.

The human, a bit alarmingly, was also beginning to turn red. Blushing – no Garrus didn't think he was embarrassed. Given the splotchy look of the coloring, he was sure it was anger. Deep sigh, as if a naked human wasn't bad enough. Now he had an angry, naked human.

There were also drops of water appearing on his body. Oh yes, sweat they called it. What an odd thing; but it was apparently how the squishy humans regulated their body temps.

"We'll find out when we do a DNA scan, sir." Garrus informed him politely. "It just looks better if you cooperate with us."

Perhaps because Garrus was being so calm about everything, the man seemed to get a bit less combative.

"Timothy Spaller, Officer." He replied.

"Thank you, Mr. Spaller." Garrus sighed inside. "Is there someone who can bring you some clothing, Mr. Spaller?" He didn't think they'd be holding Spaller very long; though he didn't know what the regulations on the Citadel were for being naked. Every race had a different definition of naked. And since humans were so new to the Citadel; Spirits knew if there were any regulations at all about clothes or the lack of them.

"My wife." Spaller answered.

"Could you have her come to C-Sec with them. I don't believe we have anything that you can wear." His father would have been surprised, he didn't know how pleased, that he was being so patient with the man.

Some sense that he'd begun to develop, told Garrus that the man wasn't a threat, just merely an annoyance; and Garrus couldn't see how coming across as a 'big bad Turian' would accomplish anything except to make Spaller more belligerent.

"All right." Spaller told him grudgingly. Obviously Garrus being calm and patient was achieving only so much.

Spaller got on his omni-tool and contacted his wife just as Chellick came back out of the restaurant carrying a tablecloth. One that from the looks and smell of it had been used as a cleaning rag.

"You can't expect me to wear that?" Spaller exclaimed as he finished his call.

"Yes sir." Garrus gingerly took the tablecloth from his partner with the tips of two talons and held it out to the human. Spaller crossed his arms over his chest and refused to take it.

"Sir, it's only until we get into the C-Sec building." Garrus pointed to the imposing building that housed C-Sec.

"Bull shit, you're just trying to make me, a human, look stupid." Spaller shot back.

Privately, Garrus thought that Spaller was doing a thorough job of that all on his own; but he knew better than to say so.

"No Mr. Spaller, I, we are trying to keep you from looking stupid." Garrus explained; but Spaller was having none of it.

Garrus eyed the now very red and angry human and the tablecloth and tried to figure out the logistics.

"Chellick, you're going to have to hold it closed." At Chellick's horrified look, he added hastily. "In the back."

"Why me?" Chellick's sub harmonics were thick with relief.

"I outrank you."

"By two days Vakarian, two days." Chellick shot back.

"I still outrank you."

"Bastard." Came the grumble as the two men carefully draped the tablecloth around the very unhappy human. All three of them were trying not to breath too deeply.

"I'm going to complain to my Ambassador about this indignity." Spaller spat out as they got him moving. Tablecloth wrapped around him and Chellick holding it together in the back.

"That is your right, sir." Garrus told him. Inwardly he wanted to have a recording of that conversation. Udina was intolerant at the best of times. Having some human who'd been strolling around the concourse, naked, complain would probably give him fits, as the humans would say. Said human would be the recipient of one of Udina's more vitriolic lectures.

Their walk across the concourse to C-Sec actually went fairly uneventfully, though Garrus picked up the deep raucous laughter of a pair of Krogans that had spotted them. He knew Chellick could hear them; but he didn't think Mr. Spaller was aware of them so he kept quiet.

They got into the C-Sec building and made their way down to booking. Everybody was giving them a wide berth because of the tablecloth. Sharing an elevator with it and Spaller was no fun.

Finally they got down to booking where they ran into, of all people, Executor Palin and, because his life wasn't hard enough, his father, Castis.

As they were standing in front of the Asari processing officer, Sergeant Ionos, who was grimacing at the smell.

"Vakarian, Chellick, what is the meaning of this?" Palin demanded.

"Mr. Spaller, is attending a convention and he wasn't given the right information about seeing the concourse." Garrus told them, as he leaned over to give Ionos what information he'd gathered.

"Why, in Spirit's name have you put that filthy rag on him?" Castis exclaimed, censure in his sub harmonics.

Before Garrus or Chellick could explain, Palin stepped forward and pulled the tablecloth free. Revealing Mr. Spaller in all his – well – in all of himself.

Ionos gasped; and then started coughing suspiciously; and Palin and his father were both completely shocked.

"Because he didn't have any clothes on." Garrus finished lamely.