The Brief and Erotic Adventures of Zombie Doakes: A Dexter FanFiction
EPISODE ONE
It was a hot and sexy day in Mee-am-ee and the usual gang of crime scene peoples from Miami Metro was at da club. I was real bored of bein dead so I rose from da ground. OH, by the way,this is Sgt. Lt. Special Agent James Doakes. I have been dead for like 3 seasons and I was bored. So I got out da ground and hit up da club. I was dancing and I saw dat bitch Quinn. I says, "YO. Motherfucker, I want my spot back in the cast." I must say he was not happy with that. He says,"Hey, you cocksucker, I will not leave Miami Metro because it is a nice job and I enjoy working with these funny, interesting people." I was persuaded to befriend him, but little did he know, my friendship was false.
Quinn ordered me three Cuervos (Jose Cuervo Silver, buy some). If I was a lesser man I would have been a lil tipsy. Thanks to Dexter, I am now a super zombie. Quinn is a little bitch, but I approve of his ability to buy me Cuervo. So I left da club, with bitches of course, and I did not talk to anyone else from the office. As a zombie I do not require either sex or sleep, but I partook of both.
I showed up at Miami Metro the next day and acted like I had not been dead for those seasons of the show. "AYE DIOS MIO," yelled Batista, who reaked of Cuervo, "I thought you were dead mi amigo!" I paid him no mind since I was pissed from that time when I shot that dude and Batista sort of ratted me out. "Fucking-A fuck fuck!"cried out the manly Deb, tears streaming down her mannish jawline. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck! Doakes! Fuck…" I also avoided her because she did not interest me. I saw that fly honey LaGuerta, and I was like, "Give me back my gun." She complied and added me to the payroll. I went to get some sweet, black coffee from the coffee maker. I also do not need coffee as a zombie, but I do enjoy sweet, black things. I was driking my coffee when Quinn came up to me, acting the fool. "Hey Doakes-" "WHOA BITCH!" I cut him off, "It's ZOMBIE Doakes. You call me that again I will fuck yo shit." Quinn was distraught at the idea that he was no longer the badass of Miami Metro. "Anyways, Zombie Doakes, wasn't you the Bay Harbor Butcher?" I looked at him real pissed like and said, "Man, you ain't know shit bout it." And I left it at that. I then realized that Dexter had made me the Bay Harbor Butcher, when I knew his bitch ass really was. This was a serious matter that I had to attend to immediately after my cup of sweet, strong, black as the night coffee from the blackest region of Nicaragua, the blackest of South American countries. Quinn and me had some Cuervos and I drove off to fight some crime. I knew that day that I would eventually have to kill Dexter, but I knew I was not strong enough to defeat his genius, honkey mind. That motherfucker.
BAM BAM BAM BAM! Went my gun. There were three dead criminals in front of me. "Another day at the office, right Masuka (who I had recently promoted to Deputy to Doakes)." Masuka was unable to make a funny sex joke about the dead bodies, so I told his ass to go back to Nerd School and do some fancy science in his lab. I realized then that there was only one man that could be a partner to me, Zombie Doakes, professional lone wolf by trade. "Hello," said the man on the phone that I had called. "Who da fuck is this?" I smiled. "Yo John… It's James." "Hot damn!" swore Cpt. Sgt. Pvt. John C. Doakes, my identical twin. "You ain't dead?" "Kinda. It's complicated." "Nice. Let's run shit."
END OF EPISODE ONE.