Suzumiya Haruhi no Koukoku
The Advertisement of Suzumiya Haruhi

Disclaimer: Many thanks to Tanigawa Nagaru-sensei for providing these wonderful characters! (And his writing style!)

Notes: According to the reviews for my previous story "The Attraction of Suzumiya Haruhi", I need to work on my grammar and not place author's notes in the middle of a story. Admittedly I'm not used to writing in present-tense monologue, but hopefully this story flows better. I've also worked harder on the humor aspect, while still trying to keep everybody in character. Anyway, enjoy!

Another boring day in the erstwhile Literature Club room. Koizumi and I are playing yet another game of Othello (according to Nagato-san, it's our 749th game, and what's more, my current track record is 532 wins, 199 losses, 17 stalemates) and Asahina-san's experimenting with some new flavors of tea.

Bang!

The door scoots open faster than any human could possibly kick it. Hell, if I was that door, I'd automatically run away from that powerful foot too.

"Mikuru-chan! I want to try your new tea, and make it volcano hot, please!"

Why do you care how hot it is? You swallow that stuff with a maximum of five-and-a-half gulps anyway.

"Y-yes, Suzumiya-san."

Our tea goddess Asahina Mikuru immediately goes to work making tea at the whim of our Brigade Chief. I'll admit this is one of Haruhi's few whims that I wholeheartedly encourage. Honestly, with Asahina-san's tea-making skills (I'm not obsessed, merely admiring) she could serve me with nothing more than hot tap water, and I'd drink it down with a smile.

After kicking the poor door shut, Haruhi strides to the long table and dumps a paper bag upon it. Do I even want to know what's in there?

"Kyon! Stop muttering to yourself, we've got business to take care of!"

I swear, for some reason I never get tired of Haruhi bellowing my name like that.

"And that would be?"

Haruhi throws a mildly annoyed look in my direction.

"I'm getting to that. Last week, it occurred to me that we really aren't doing enough to promote the SOS-dan and all that we stand for. Right, Koizumi-kun?"

"Now that you mention it, that sounds about right, Suzumiya-san."

Damn kissup.

"Which is why—"

—Haruhi reaches into the bag—

"—I went to a T-shirt shop and had these printed!"

Haruhi happily pulls five white T-shirts out of the bag, all proudly emblazoned with the full name of the SOS-dan, along with our location and meeting hours.

Wait, we have meeting hours? I just thought we met every single day, or whenever Haruhi gets bored (which is every single day).

And encircling the waist of each T-shirt is a seven-centimeters-tall reproduction of those infamous symbols Haruhi and I drew on the field a little over three years ago: I AM HERE, COME FIND ME.

Oh gods, why do I not like where this is going?

"Uh, Haruhi, you have taken into consideration the fact that this school has a uniform, right?"

"Well, of course I have! And anyway, it's not like we're going to be wearing these during school hours."

"Well, that's a relief. At least you're not breaking any rules this time."

Hey, wait a second...why am I relieved? If we're not going to be wearing these during school hours, that simply means we're going to be wearing them...in public?!

"Exactly! See, Kyon, you and I are on the same wavelength sometimes!"

Now that's scary.

"My plan is to have us move about the city while wearing these T-shirts. Simple and painless. Of course, since we're all the original members, we can answer all the questions people are going to ask us!"

Yeah, yeah. Questions like "is that the Suzumiya girl I've heard about" to which the only honest answer would be "yes, and somehow I've found my way into her world". Lucky me.

"Lucky you, indeed! This city is like a willow tree, and we're the hummingbirds fluttering around it, flitting from branch to branch, spreading our good cheer!"

We'll be spreading something, all right. Damn, I don't have a sarcastic comment ready. And would you stop with the crazy metaphors?

"What's so crazy about that? Say, are you Buddhist, Kyon?"

"Yes, but I don't see—"

"—So am I! So you'll have no trouble understanding what I'm about to say. You know as well as I do, our religion teaches that all things are interconnected."

Oh, they certainly are. More than you could know.

"And therefore, it's reasonable to assume that anything could become a metaphor for anything else. It's a good artist who can bring out such unforeseen connections."

How'd we get on this topic?

"And these metaphors that we call 'fresh' and 'interesting' are, in reality, existing metaphors waiting to be found. Fresh and interesting, that's what I'm all about. That's why I actively seek out such things, rather than wait for them to find me. You know what I'm trying to say, Kyon?"

"..." For once, I'm speechless.

"Okay, let's all try on our new outfits! Don't worry, I bought us matching shorts too. Koizumi-kun, take these two outfits and Kyon out into the hall, and try on those clothes. I had to guess at the sizes, but I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Okay, Suzumiya-san."

Koizumi and I step out into the hall, and I have a pretty good idea of what's coming after Koizumi shuts the door.

"Fufufu...Mikuru-chaann...come here, Mikuru-chaannn..."

"N-no! S-Suzumiya-san! I can dress myself!"

"Aw, but that's no fun. Here, let me help you."

Suggestive sound of clothing being removed.

"All right, off with your maid uniform and...kyaa! Whoa! Mikuru-chan, I'm shocked!"

Now I'm really interested. Something managed to shock Haruhi?

"You were wearing this under that uniform? You naughty girl, I didn't know you had it in you!"

"Please stop! Stop! Aiiieeee!"

Damn you, Haruhi, stop putting such provocative images in my head. Besides, given Haruhi's subconscious reality-altering abilities, I'm sure Asahina-san has only been wearing that lingerie for the last few seconds, because Haruhi wanted to play with Asahina-san.

Minutes later, after Koizumi and I have long since changed into our T-shirts and shorts (oddly enough, they're perfect fits) ...

"It gets better, Mikuru-chan. I also bought a little surprise, just for us. Here!"

"Wh-what are you going to do with that?!"

"Give me your arm."

"Suzu——"

"Give it!"

More minutes later, after the sounds of more struggling and crying and Asahina-san's "wahh, this looks so bad!" and Haruhi's "relax, you look great!" ...

Haruhi throws open the door. It's about time!

"So, Kyon, how do we look?"

...revealing her, Asahina-san, and Nagato-san all wearing their newly acquired SOS-dan T-shirts and matching blue shorts. Haruhi's wearing that brilliant smile of hers that I've come to l—ah, I mean, appreciate.

And now I see the reason for Asahina-san's second round of crying, and Haruhi's "surprise". In her right hand (her left hand is busy holding Asahina-san's hand) Haruhi is still holding a tube of body paint, and she's painted both her forearms and Asahina-san's forearms with the word "SOS-dan".

Haruhi, where did you get such a harebrained idea?

I was about to ask her, when she impatiently turned to Asahina-san.

"And don't worry, Mikuru-chan, I got the good stuff, the kind of body paint that lasts for up to two weeks."

"Two weeks?!"

The thought of being a living advertisement for two weeks is making Asahina-san's face turn the same color as her maid uniform. I must admit, though, that Haruhi's drawing isn't too bad.

Meanwhile, Nagato-san is standing there wordlessly, wearing her new outfit, her virtual arms unpainted. Koizumi's smiling, what else is new?

Haruhi's face is positively ecstatic. If her smile were a power source, I'm sure she could easily power half the neighborhood by herself.

"Wow, Kyon, I'm flattered."

Haruhi perks up and turns back to me.

"But don't think that'll get you out of treating us next time you're late! In fact, I think I'll have you take me out for a bite to eat. Nothing real expensive, I'm in the mood for a ramen shop right now. There's a great one just down the street from my house."

"You're making me take you out to dinner?"

Haruhi gestures at me with the tube of paint, still in her right hand.

"Just for that attitude, either you take me to dinner, or I'll share some of this body paint with you, and you won't believe what I'll do with it!"

I let out an overly dramatic sigh, more for effect than anything else. Still, an evening with Haruhi...and I must admit, she is quite attractive...

"All right, I'll take you out to dinner."