Occurred in "Injured" because we all know that there's a scene missing from that episode.
"Nick are you okay?"
And she looks at him with those wide fucking blue eyes. Those blue eyes that he just can't seem to get out of his head ever since he first met her. Eyes that scream innocence and hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe everything will be alright. But it's not. And he's not sure if anything ever will be again.
"No I'm not okay, Jess! I'm not okay!" Her eyes grew wider and he realized that he was shouting, but he can't help it. His voice was starting to crack, the open air starting to suffocate him, he knew that he can't let everyone see him break. He can't, he was stronger than that. So he pushed out anger instead of tears. Because pretending that it was her fault was better than facing reality "All right, I woke up today and I wanted to play a friendly game of touch football then I hurt my back, and I went to your gynecologist, and now I might have cancer! So no Jess, I'm not okay!" He knew it was wrong, he shouldn't be yelling at her. It wasn't her fault that he probably had cancer. It's not her fault that he had no clue about how to handle his situation. It's not her fault that she had been right. He has done nothing, nothing at all with his life.
He knew that his words had hurt her. That he was intentionally placing the blame on her shoulders, because maybe, just maybe, he was hoping that she'd take it away from his, even just for a few moments so that he can go back into blissful oblivion. Just for a second. But life doesn't work like that, not for him.
He walked away, because he had nothing else to say anyway.
His head was cloudy with the medication that he was on but even that couldn't keep the thought that he could have cancer away. That he had an early expiration date...and what has he done with his life? What has he accomplished? His life could end soon and what would he have been? He was just a bartender that barely makes enough money to survive. He dropped out of law school with only 3 semesters to go. He doesn't even have the strength to finish writing his zombie novel.
He barely registers the weight of the coat that was being placed over his shoulders as he sits on the sand, facing the ocean not seeing the waves steadily rolling on the freezing water. His eyes empty, his thoughts running wild.
Has he even made an impact on the world? On this country? This city? To his friends?
Who really would miss him when he was gone?
Gone...he couldn't even begin to fathom what that means. The darkness that people refer to, the sleep that people don't wake up from. He couldn't go there. No, not yet. There's still so much for him to do.
When Jess approached him he had opted to lie on his back, looking over the stars that he wished he could see more of, "Hey" she utters, he can hear the guilt in her voice, and he knew that he should feel bad about it, being that its his own doing, but that's what he does. He hurts the people around him, whether intentionally or not.
He acknowledges her presence, trying not to think too much about her being there. He doesn't understand her at all, he yelled at her, pushed his fear towards her and blamed her for it. He knowingly hurt her, but she's still there, willingly sitting next to him. But why? Why should she even take the effort to do so?
"Is this seat taken?" she asks. Hesitant, worried that she'll say something that'll anger him, cause him to yell again. But breathes a small sigh of relief when he grins at her.
"Oh please. Here, will you help me up?" He let out a loud groan, sitting up took more effort than it should with his hazy mind. He knew he was an asshole for yelling at her earlier, for taking his fear out on her. He knew that he, at the very least should apologize.
"I know that you're right. You're right, I have to start doing things. I can't just..." turn off the fear that's welling inside me whenever I want to try something new. I'm not like you "Jess..." you don't understand, but I really want you to. "I like you a lot, I really do." more than you know and more than I know I should "I'm glad you're around." But I know that if I try to act on what I'm feeling you won't be for long. And I can't bear that Jess. I rather have you around me knowing that you aren't mine than to know that I've hurt you and ruined the friendship that we have and have you leave. "I'm not gonna remember any of this in the morning am I?" But will you? And if you do how would you remember it? Would you judge me for saying all of that just now? Would you avoid me now that I've told you how I really felt about you? Would you even want to remember?
She just gave him a crooked grin and uttered "Most certainly not" in a chipper tone that she's using to mask her own fear.
"Oh no" He chuckled out, not knowing which of his questions did she just answer. Or if he even said most of what he said out loud or just thought of doing so badly it seemed like it did. But right now it didn't matter. Bigger things were at hand. Bigger than what is happening, or whatever he wishes to happen, between the two of them.
His medication was starting to wear off and clarity started to slowly creep into his haze. He tried hard to push it back further, not wanting to face reality.
"We should go home" Jess suggested.
"Yes lets go home." Because really he would agree to anything that she asked of him. Even though he really wanted to stay in the beach longer, far away from everything that he could lose so he could keep pretending that maybe he won't.
Either way neither of them moved a muscle.
He looked to the girl sitting beside him. The girl that simply radiated hope and happiness. She made him want to be something more, wish he was something more...wish he'd done something more, because if he had then maybe she'd miss him if he was gone.
Minutes went by in silence. And then the minutes turned to hours.
Eventually Jess fell asleep next to him so he shrugged off the coat that was placed over his shoulders and placed it under her head, trying to make her more comfortable. It is his own fault that she was sleeping away from the comfort of her own bed tonight. Her skin so pale that it stood out from the sand underneath her.
He doesn't know exactly when he fell hard for his roommate, but he knew that it was there. She was one of the few people who gave back whatever he threw at her. And he liked that, he liked that she fought back, because sometimes all he needs is a little push in the right direction and Jess refuses to be beaten down. He doesn't like to take risks but she's always there to goad him into doing so, which he is secretly very thankful for. It also doesn't help that she is so goddamn beautiful. Her dark hair contrasting with her pale skin, her large blue eyes always so trusting. She had a body that was full and womanly, and legs that seemed to go on for miles.
There are many times that he just wanted to pull her to him and kiss her senseless. He just wants to let his instinct take over and push her into a wall, or her bed, his bed, the refrigerator, the kitchen counter, the sofa, any surface imaginable and just take her right there and then. Make her scream his name as he brought her pleasure.
Sometimes he forgets what's holding him back. Then when he's about to, she smiles, and he remembers. He doesn't deserve her.
She's the sun, shining bright and bringing joy to the world and the people that she encounters. She flourishes through time, and even when hard times pass by she always manages to push through the darkness and shine as bright as ever. But he was just a storm cloud, bringing gloom and destruction. He will just encompass her brightness, slowly withering it down until there was nothing left. And he couldn't do that to her.
He cared for her too much to do that to her.
She deserved men that will only make her shine brighter. Those that can support her and make sure that all her needs are cared for. She deserved to have everything she ever wanted because she gives herself completely to whatever it is that she sets her mind to. She needed someone she can depend on to always be able to pull through for her.
Not some deadbeat that start to panic when things start to get too hard.
Soon the sky began to lighten until there was a thin line of yellow at the horizon. All the while he just sat there, looking forward, because what else could he do?
He wanted time to stop at that very moment as dawn started to break. Everything is peaceful and quiet, the seagulls flying at a distance. The sky and the water so clear from obstruction that it's hard to tell when the sky ends and the water starts.
Then there's the sound of soft breathing from the sleeping girl next to him. Her breathing even and continuous. He wished he had the strength that the girl that lay beside him possessed. The strength to smile everyday and the bravery to try new things, to escape from the cages that held her and flourish.
No matter how hard he wished it not to, time still kept going and eventually the sky lightened fully and he knew that they should be leaving soon to face the music.
He looked at the sleeping figure next to him, running a finger across her cheek as softly as he can manage. Making a soft sigh come out of her slightly parted lips and wanted so bad to place his lips on her smooth cheek, to feel the warmth that radiated within her. To maybe help him get through the day.
It was a better time than any to act on his buried feelings. The threat of mortality hanging over his head. It was either he did it or he never will.
But even through his night of wishing he had her courage he didn't attain any. So he reached over to her and started to shake her softly "Hey we gotta wake up"
He watches her slowly gain consciousness, her eyelids fluttering softly as she lets out a soft yawn. Her Lips pulling into a soft pout at having to leave the comforts of sleep. He wondered what it would feel like to wake up to that sight every morning.
After today, no matter what happens he'll tell her. He's determined. Eventually, when he gets the courage.
Because facing one's mortality brings forward the truly important things in a person's life. Brings a person to essential choices that they have to make. He knew that he may not be able to leave an impact on the general population's lives when he does pass, but he's determined to try his best to make an impact on hers, because whether he only had 60 more days to live or 60 years he knew that he would truly be nothing without her.
Because Jessica Day makes him closer to the person that he wishes to be. And maybe, just maybe, become someone that is worth her affection.
If anyone was confused with Nick's long monologue he didn't actually say most of the stuff out loud, just the ones enclosed "like this"
I hope you enjoyed it, and please leave a review to tell me of your thoughts