(Author's note: This story takes place in March after 5x11 City of Angels, in which Glee Club loses Nationals and Glee is disbanded. Brief references to major character death. Also, this should be obvious, but the characters in this story are religious and do spiritual things, and make decisions based on spiritual criteria instead of wholly logical ones.
It seems that I return to this series at Beltane each year and write a little more! Bright blessings, y'all. -amy)
"So I guess that's it?" Marley turned her head to look up at Jake, slumped against his headboard. "No more Glee."
"I guess not." Jake reached down and rested his hand on Marley's shoulder with a sigh. "More time to study, right?"
"More time to hang out here?" Ryder added, squeezing his other hand.
Marley snuggled a little closer to Ryder's side. "Not that we're ever anywhere else."
Ryder caught a glimpse of Jake's mom through the bedroom door as she passed through the hallway, but that hardly made him blink. Since the beginning of their relationship, she'd been supportive about the three of them being together. Even now that they were out at school, it still felt complicated to go out into the world and risk the mostly silent judgment of others. If there was any place Ryder could be sure about feeling completely accepted, it was at Jake's house.
"How about a movie on Friday?" Ryder said. "We still haven't seen RoboCop."
Marley's face brightened. "Can we go to the Regal? They have those leather recliners."
"Actually…" Jake took a deep breath. "I kind of have… an appointment on Friday. To talk about next steps."
Ryder sat up to inspect his face. "College?"
Jake shook his head. "You know. Coven stuff."
It wasn't like that was a secret or anything, but Ryder had been to circle enough times now with Jake to know how seriously he took his religion. And he got why it might feel hard to talk with Marley about it. She'd made it clear she wasn't going to get in the way of Jake's Wiccan practice, even if she herself was agnostic. Marley just nodded.
"How about Saturday, then?" she suggested. "Dinner at my house?"
That was apparently all Jake was going to say about it, and Ryder didn't press him until much later, as he was tying the laces of his sneakers.
"This appointment on Friday," Ryder said. "Who is it?"
Jake avoided his eyes. "It's a friend of Elizabeth's, Alexandria. She's got a group for initiates in Findlay. It's pretty unusual for them to take kids under eighteen, but she wants to meet with me."
Initiates. That did sound like a big deal. Ryder fiddled with the sleeve of Jake's shirt. "You, uh, want me to come over?"
"It's not your group," Jake muttered. But he didn't say no.
"I know. I'm not—like, this can be for you. It's okay." It didn't seem like it was okay to Jake, but Ryder knew how he was, how he could get confrontational when things were important. "I can just, you know, hang out. Be here if you want to talk."
Jake shrugged. "Whatever."
Maybe that was all he was going to get for now. Ryder kissed him as Marley came to get her coat, and tried a reassuring smile. Jake's own smile was halfhearted at best.
"Not sure if he wants me here on Friday or not," Ryder said, watching Jake close the front door behind them.
"He does." Marley took his hand, tugging him toward his car. "You saw him freaking out."
"Maybe."
"No maybe. He's all stuck up in his head about this." She leaned on his shoulder as they walked. "I think he knows he is, too. He just doesn't know how to get the words out."
"I know that feeling," Ryder agreed.
"I know you do." Marley gave him a sideways glance, the kind that always made Ryder's stomach twist and lurch into his throat. "You think you can help him with that?"
He knew Marley wasn't suggesting anything in particular, but Ryder knew damn well what kind of activities would probably help Jake relax enough to talk about his feelings. And he knew Marley knew what they were, too, even if she mostly watched instead of engaging in them. He let out an embarrassed chuckle. "Uh… I can try?"
She leaned up on her toes to kiss him. "Maybe you can call me if things go south, and I can come help? I don't mind being part of it, but… this is really about the two of you."
"It's not really about me at all," he protested. She gave him a funny look.
"It really is, Ry," she said softly. "You and Jake. It has been since last year at Beltane. Don't you think so?"
Ryder just shrugged and opened his car door. He didn't think that was the question they were trying to answer here, but… maybe there was something he wasn't seeing? Marley climbed in on the other side, regarding his confusion with obvious amusement.
"Glad I can make you laugh," he muttered. She did laugh then, and patted his arm.
"The two of you are my favorite entertainment. Come on, grumpy face. If we get back to my house quickly enough, you can come in for a little while before you head home."
That was definitely an incentive. He turned the ignition, trying to think positively. I've still got Jake and Mar. That hasn't changed. And what comes next for Jake, well… we'll just have to wait and see.
The evening sun was low enough on the horizon to get in Ryder's eyes, but it didn't stop him from continuing to shoot baskets. He lined up his next shot, trying to focus only on the basketball and the hoop and to tune out distractions, including the loud evening frogs and Jake's neighbor's yappy dog. He knew hypothetically most people didn't get distracted by every little thing around them, but he couldn't imagine what that would be like.
He'd promised not to let Jake get all in his head about this, but he knew that was easier said than done, considering Jake got angry more easily than he talked. Ryder was hoping today wasn't going to be a day like that.
Jake poked his head out the back door as Ryder's ball bounced off the rim. It was the third shot in a row he'd missed. Jake went after the ball before it could skitter down the driveway.
"She's gonna be here in a few minutes."
"I know."
Ryder gave him what he hoped was a polite smile, but Jake scowled. He obviously wasn't buying it.
"You don't have to hang around if you're not interested."
"I'm interested," Ryder insisted. He set the ball down between his feet. "I just know I'll pay better attention if I can move around a little first."
Jake leaned against the door frame. He looked somewhat mollified. "Yeah, okay."
Ryder abandoned the ball, kicking it into the frosty grass beside the back deck, and walked over to stand at the foot of the steps. "You all right?"
Jake shrugged. "It's not a big deal."
Except the way Jake was eyeing him made it pretty clear that wasn't true. Ryder edged in close enough to the deck that it bumped his shins. "Hey, no. It is. It's a big deal."
"Okay," said Jake, clearly aggravated. "It's a big deal."
"Yeah. Isn't initiation supposed to be, like, this life-changing thing? Like… graduation, or—"
He swallowed the next milestone that came to mind before it passed his lips. He probably shouldn't bring that up. So far, the only one of the three of them to say anything about getting married had been Marley, and that had only been in passing to say I don't want to even think about that until I'm done with college. When Jake hadn't agreed or disagreed, Ryder had followed his lead and remained silent. It was the reasonable thing to do. They were only juniors, after all, and it was March. Glee Club was done. The only serious things they should be thinking about were the upcoming SAT and where to apply for college.
But then there was Jake, who'd been completely distracted from anything school-related by his prospective initiation. Even Marley had barely been able to get him to settle down for SAT test prep. Ryder scratched his neck awkwardly.
"Anyway," he said. "I think you're justified in feeling nervous."
Ryder watched Jake clench his jaw and close his eyes. He gave up on the prospect of spending any more time by himself and mounted the porch steps. As soon as he was close enough, he reached out and pulled Jake into the circle of his arms. Both of them relaxed a little, but not enough to really make a difference. Jake sighed.
"This is totally stupid," he muttered.
"Hey," Ryder said again, more gently. "It's not. You're not being stupid. You're taking the next step toward what you want."
He kissed Jake on the cheek. Eventually Jake turned to face him and kissed him back with a sigh.
"You want me to come in with you?" Ryder asked.
"Yeah." Jake looked embarrassed, but he nodded. "That okay?"
Ryder grinned. "If you don't mind me fidgeting through the whole interview."
Jake made a face, tugging on his hand at the same time he slid the door open. "I don't know why Elizabeth's making me to do it in the first place? I seriously would take her word for it that Alexandra runs a good coven."
"It has to be your decision, though," said Ryder. "Otherwise, it's like… I don't know, like an arranged marriage, right?"
There was that marriage thing again. He tried not to wince. Jesus. Way to be subtle. Luckily, Jake didn't seem to notice he'd said it. He went to the fridge and opened it, rummaging in the back for a can of soda.
"I guess," said Jake. "I'm looking for someone to initiate me. I shouldn't care about who it is."
Ryder had no response to that. The whole initiation thing seemed a little pointless to him. He liked being in Elizabeth's circles, liked going through the cycle of the seasons in ritual every month and a half, but beyond that, he wasn't sure why it mattered. The fact that Jake didn't think it was pointless was the only thing that was important to him.
"Elizabeth thinks this'll be good, right?" He smiled at Jake.
"Yeah. It'll be okay." Jake shrugged, his eyes on the baseboard. "We're only going to be in Lima another year anyway?"
It wasn't really a question, no matter how Jake said it, but Ryder felt it like a weight on his stomach, pressing in and making him ache. There was nothing good that came of thinking about moving away from Lima. Already he could predict how things were going to go after graduation: Jake would get into Butler on a dance scholarship, Marley had a good shot at vocal performance if she wanted it… and Ryder would go to community college if he was lucky. He hid his discomfort behind a nod, just in time for the doorbell to ring.
"You're on," said Ryder, gesturing at the door.
Jake took a deep breath, straightening his back, and reached for the doorknob.
The woman in the doorway was smiling, but Ryder wasn't reassured. The fact that she was easily eight inches shorter than Jake didn't detract from her imposing presence. Ryder watched her warily as she strode into the foyer, grasping Jake's hand and shaking it firmly.
He tried not to scowl, especially when Jake introduced him to Alexandra as my boyfriend Ryder.
"It's good to meet you, Ryder," she said.
"Hey," he said evenly, holding out his hand. She shook it, making eye contact with him before looking back at Jake.
"Am I remembering correctly that you have a girlfriend too?"
"We do," said Jake. "She's not Pagan, but Ryder is."
Ryder found himself blinking at that, and at Alexandra's considering nod. As far as he was concerned, he was still nothing more than a lapsed Catholic. He hadn't really applied the word pagan to himself before, and wondered what it meant, exactly. It didn't feel wrong.
"I guess I am?" he said. He looked at Ryder and shrugged. "I like being in circle."
"That's good," she said. She gestured at the doorway. "How about we sit down and talk?"
They sat together on the couch while Alexandra asked Jake questions for what felt like forever. The most annoying thing was that the questions seemed to be about everything other than his religion. Ryder half-listened while Jake explained about dancing, about Marley and himself, about singing with Glee club.
About ten minutes into the interview, Ryder had tuned out completely. It wasn't that he didn't want to hear Jake talking about himself, or even that he was worried about anything Jake might say. He just couldn't listen that long and have the words make sense. He knew he was shifting continuously in his seat, but neither Jake nor Alexandra seemed to notice.
Eventually Jake saying the phrase, "I don't know how much it really matters, anyway," woke Ryder from his torpor.
Alexandra was looking carefully at Jake. "Hmmm."
"What?"
"It sounds like you sit back and watch the hard things happen," she said. "Is it because you don't want to be the cause of anything going wrong?"
Jake paused, appearing to think this through, while Ryder chewed on his lip.
"Well, I want things to come out okay," Jake said at last. "I don't know if that's the same thing."
Alexandra shook her head. "I don't think anybody can guarantee an ideal outcome. The only thing you can do is put in whatever influence you have, and hope for the best."
For some reason, that made Ryder's heart pound a little faster. He saw Jake looking at him, but he stayed focused on his hands. He laced them one way, then another, then back again.
"Maybe I just… who says I can really make a difference?" said Jake. "Or that what I could do would just be worse than nothing?"
Alexandra tossed her head and blew out a breath from her nose. "If that's really how you feel, Jake, I think you might want to reconsider becoming a witch."
Jake looked stricken. He was silent for so long that Ryder felt like he had to say something, not to fill the silence, but to tell Alexandra that she was wrong.
"I thought he was already one of those," said Ryder.
"A witch?" She shrugged. "You'll get different answers from different people. I think initiation makes a witch, although there are probably more people who'd say it's about the personal relationship between you and the gods."
Whoever they are. Ryder looked uncertainly at Jake, but he seemed to have recovered. He nodded at Alexandra.
"I do want this," he insisted. "And I'm willing to work for it."
She smiled. "I know you are. Elizabeth has vouched for you, and that counts for a lot. But you're also a lot younger than a typical candidate for initiation. I just want you to know my expectations. Your intention matters. If you go into it thinking you can't make a difference, you probably can't." She touched his arm. "Think about that, okay? Then give me a call, and we'll talk about what's next."
They walked her to the door and said polite good-byes, but Jake remained quiet until they closed the door. Then he sighed, leaning heavily against the wall.
"Did I blow that as bad as I think I did?" he asked.
"I think she was just being a judgmental bitch," said Ryder.
Jake shrugged, looking at his feet. "Maybe? Elizabeth says she's good, though."
He stared hard at his own feet, trying not to frown. "So what? Elizabeth doesn't talk to you like that."
"Yeah, but she's known me since I was a kid. I don't expect most grownups to take me seriously."
"Well, they should," Ryder said. He could feel the heat rising in his chest, driving his volume louder, until the emphasis on the last word made Jake look up, startled. They watched each other for a few tense heartbeats.
"You're the only one who does that," said Jake.
"What do you mean?"
Jake had this little indentation on his forehead, right between his eyes on the bridge of his nose. It deepened as he slouched forward, scowling. "Takes me seriously."
"That is such bullshit," he snapped. "Lots of people take you seriously. Your mom. Marley. Everybody in Glee, for fuck's sake."
"Who cares," shouted Jake. His hands came down and slapped the wall behind him. "Glee's over. Everything good about school is over. I can't—" He was breathing heavy now, his eyes flashing like shards of glass. "I can't count on anything."
He was out the door before Ryder could say, you can count on me, but that was probably just as well. This was exactly what Marley had begged him to avoid. There was no way he was going to hear anything Ryder had to say as positive, not until he got out of this mood.
He looked up at the quiet knock on the door frame. Jake's mom was standing there, wiping her hands on a towel and watching him with a sympathetic expression.
"Didn't go so well?" she said.
"No, it was—the interview was fine." Ryder tried to relax, making himself smile at her. "He decided to go ahead with it."
"Well, that's good, then." She gazed through the door to where Jake had disappeared. "I'll miss having him in circle."
It wasn't the first time Ryder had thought about it, but every time it felt like a little poke in his side. "Yeah," he agreed.
"You think you'll still come? Even when he's not there?"
Even before he could consider her question, Ryder found himself nodding. "I guess it would feel weird not to."
She smiled, so much like Jake's smile it hurt a little to look at it. "I understand that feeling. You're always welcome, you know."
"I do know that," he said slowly. "Thanks."
Jake's mom leaned over and gave his shoulder a little squeeze. It wasn't exactly a kiss or anything, but it sort of felt like one. Ryder leaned into it, then smiled at her again, feeling a little more settled.
Once she'd gone, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Marley.
"Did he freak out?" she said right away, without any hello.
"Kind of," Ryder admitted. "Yeah. He did."
"Okay." She didn't sound upset. "I'll come over."
"I still think you'd be proud of him."
"Yeah?"
He scratched his ear. "Well, I mean… I don't want you thinking he was an asshole. He wasn't. He was…"
Ryder had to think about the words for a few moments, long enough for Marley to prompt him. "He was what?"
"I don't know." He shrugged, unsure of what to say. It was more than cautious or thoughtful. Noble just sounded dorky. "He was honest," he finally said.
"Well, that's better than him not saying anything at all. He's not all that subtle. Thanks for calling, hon. I'll be over in ten."
Ryder didn't need to tell Marley he needed her to come over as much as Jake did, but he had to be honest. "He left. I don't know when he'll be back."
"It's okay. We'll be waiting for him when he returns."
He wanted to say maybe we should go looking for him, but he didn't want to upset Jake more. So he just sent him a text, typing the words carefully: Mar and I are at your house. No pressure.
But that wasn't quite right, either. Ryder could feel the pressure, himself, between his eyes, right up against his forehead. He sat on Jake's couch and thought about Alexandra's handshake and her words, intention matters, and wondered what he should do about it.
The next circle Ryder attended at Jake's house happened the following weekend. Somehow it didn't occur to him that things would be different until he showed up with his guitar and his usual potluck contribution and Elizabeth met him at the door.
"Oh," he said. She let him in, and he glanced around the room uncertainly. "Jake—"
"He could still come to these if he wants," said Elizabeth, "but I think he's not planning to come tonight. You're still welcome without him, Ryder."
"Yeah, Jake's m—Tanisha said I could come alone." He set the guitar down by the staircase. "Can I help set up?"
It was too cold and rainy to hold circle outdoors, so they moved the furniture to the edges of the family room, pushing the couch up against the wall and setting the coffee table in the center. Peter was busy circumscribing a circle on the carpeted floor with white and black painted rocks.
"It's not quite the equinox," Elizabeth said, indicating the rocks, "but we can still celebrate it symbolically. This is the turning point, when the light shifts, and suddenly the days are longer than the nights. It can be a hopeful time."
Ryder tried to capture some of that intention as he tuned his guitar, but it was hard to feel it without Jake there. Everything seemed a little flat and muffled, like he'd been to a loud rock concert and his ears weren't working as well as they should. He smiled at the other regular attendees and answered the same question over and over again, Jake's with Alexandra's coven now. Yeah, he's excited. I'm still planning to come.
But when it came time to stand in the circle, he wondered why he'd bothered. When Barb reached out her hand beside him and prompted, "I take your hand in perfect love and perfect trust," Ryder felt like crying, because—because—
Because Jake wasn't there beside him, to take his hand. There was no other reason. Everything else was the same. He was the one who was different.
Ryder was so preoccupied that week that he had to learn about Jake's spring break camping trip idea from Marley at lunch.
"But where would we go?" Ryder asked, passing a second chocolate milk down the table to Jake. "It's freezing outside."
"Puck said he would drive us," Marley said. She bounced in her seat. "And Tanisha said we could take the RV. The water in Clearwater is warm enough to swim in. My mom can get us discount tickets to Universal Studios."
"Your mom said yes to letting you drive to Florida with me and Jake and Puck?" Ryder said. He must have sounded pretty judgmental, because Jake frowned at him.
"He's been sober for four months. Longer, if you don't count that lapse at Thanksgiving. And he's getting steady work. Why, you think your mom won't let you go?"
It wasn't really a question. Ryder knew his mother was beyond proud of how much better he was doing in school since he joined Glee club. If Jake and Marley were allowed to do something, Ryder would be permitted, and his mom would make sure his dad didn't find out about it.
"I think it sounds awesome," he said.
Jake's face slid out of a glare into a surprised smile. "Okay. Cool." He nodded, and Marley bounced again, and Ryder laughed, feeling a stirring of excitement. It really did sound awesome.
Ryder was waiting for Jake to finish his dance lesson when Puck came by in the middle of the week.
"I'm just dropping off my tent and some gear," said Puck. "Then I'm gonna help Tanisha do the spring maintenance on the RV. You want to help?"
Puck really did look a million times better than he had that fall. Ryder watched him as he climbed up on the ladder to inspect the roof seals.
"See something you like?" Puck called down to him.
Ryder couldn't help but blush. "No, I'm—sorry. I wasn't really—"
Puck grinned. "Hey, chill. I'm just pulling your chain. I know you and my brother are tight. Here, pass me that caulk. Things still going okay in the dude department of your relationship?"
"Uh, yeah. Everything's great." He handed the tube up to Puck, then added, awkwardly, "How about you? Any… dudes?"
"Nope. Probably won't be any more of them, not for me." He climbed down from the ladder, still smiling. "Can you keep a secret?"
"Sure?"
"Me and Quinn. We're back together." Puck's smile went incandescent. "I'm gonna move out to New Haven this summer to be with her."
Ryder wasn't sure how to respond. He crouched down beside Puck as he tightened the lug nuts on the driver's side front wheel. "That's really great, man. I'm happy for you."
"Yeah, well, I know it's a long shot. We were never super solid, but I was a dick in high school. I can do better this time. I just know I've never met anybody like Quinn, and it's not just because she's smoking hot or because we have a kid together. Plus she knows about Finn."
"Oh, uh. Yeah?" Ryder fiddled with the tire pressure gauge. "And she's okay with that?"
"Better than that. She loved him too, you know? Being with somebody else who loved him, that means something to me." They moved to the rear wheel. "How about you guys? You gonna have kids?"
Ryder sat with that question for a long time, longer than would have been polite, but Puck didn't interrupt the silence. He just waited for Ryder to respond. It took until they were done with all four wheels before he was willing to say anything.
"I don't think Marley's ready for that," he said.
Puck clapped him on the shoulder. "Yeah, I got that. You guys are young. But what do you want? You talk about your future together, right? C'mon, let's flush out the wastewater holding tanks."
Ryder stayed quiet while Puck mixed water with Pine-Sol and hooked up the hydrojet hose. "We don't really," he admitted finally. "Talk about it."
Puck squinted up at him. "How come?"
"I think maybe Jake's too scared to go for what he wants."
"Well, what about you?" He spoke loudly above the sound of the water spraying into the greywater tank. Ryder glanced around himself nervously.
"I don't want to push him."
Puck snorted. "Sounds like my little brother might need some pushing."
ooo
It rained most of the way down I-75, but by the time they reached the Florida border, it was warm and muggy. Ryder could hardly believe it was still March.
"We'll stay at the RV park tonight," Jake said, showing Ryder the route to Clearwater on his phone. "It's only a half mile walk to the beach from there."
"Can we swim tonight?" Marley asked hopefully. "I hear the sunset on the Gulf is amazing."
Jake's smile looked equally optimistic. "Not sure that you could stop me."
They let Puck shoo them away from the RV park while he set up camp, and picked up fish tacos at Pearly's Beach Eats on the way down to the beach. It was nearly sunset already. The air didn't feel exactly warm, but it was so much warmer than it had been in Lima that it was easy to strip down to their bathing suits, discard their clothes on the sand, and ignore the brisk ocean breeze as they stepped into the lapping water.
"Damn, I thought the water was going to be cold," said Jake, blinking. "This is like bathwater."
Marley dipped her toe in, then laughed in delight, running ahead of both of them into the gentle surf.
"Sorry," Ryder apologized to the bystanders, ducking away from Marley's splashing limbs. "Come on, I think she's going to be hard to catch if we don't hurry up."
The white sand was softer than any Ryder had ever felt, gentle beneath his feet even after they were in deep enough for the water to reach his chest. He crouched down to let himself float in the salty water, watching Marley and Jake duck under and return to the surface, slick and glistening, and felt a surge of a whole bunch of emotions for both of them. Love, yeah, that was there, but also protectiveness, and admiration, and a kind of overwhelmed luck that he wasn't sure how to name.
Awe, he thought, watching the red sun breach the horizon against the indigo sky. That's what it was. He looked up at the sky and saw, faint but clear, the irregular shape of the not-quite-full moon, and he had to swallow against the lump that rose in his throat.
Jake splashed over to him, rising to his feet to stand beside him. He followed Ryder's gaze to the sky, and smiled. "Wow."
"Yeah," said Ryder softly. He was looking at Jake now. "Wow is right."
Jake tilted his head, raising an eyebrow, then glanced down at himself, shirtless and dripping. "Yeah?"
Ryder just nodded. He wasn't sure he trusted his voice to speak. Under the water, he fumbled for Jake's hand and clutched it tightly. Jake looked away for a moment, then solemnly met his eyes again.
"Thanks a lot for coming with me," Jake said. "This is really…" He gestured at the sun, three-quarters below the horizon now. "I'm glad we could be here together."
I want to do everything together with you, Ryder thought, but it was a big ask, and he didn't want to ruin the moment. He just nodded again.
The tourists on the beach gradually departed after the sun dipped below the horizon, but the moonlight that remained was bright and clear. The sky was barely pink now. Marley moved almost soundlessly, bobbing along the surface as she swam through the deeper water, while he and Jake stayed in the shallows, investigating the pebbles and shells on the sandy surface below.
"It's amazing how much you can see," Ryder said.
Jake nodded. His dark eyes shimmered like the calm surface of the water. "The moon transforms things. Reveals that which was once hidden."
Ryder smiled at his reverent tone. "You sound like Elizabeth."
"Thanks. I think that was a compliment." He sighed, touching the water with broad, outstretched fingers. "I wish we could do circle out here, under the moon."
"We could," said Ryder. "You and me?"
Jake didn't laugh, as Ryder thought he might, but it was hard to tell what his expression meant, in the altered light of the moon. "It's kind of supposed to be a… a boy-girl thing, you know?"
"Yeah, but Elizabeth said it doesn't have to be. That we were okay, together."
He wasn't exactly sure what he meant, but Jake seemed to understand. He nodded. Then Ryder reached out and touched Jake's lips with two fingers, and Jake sucked in a startled breath.
"And you used salt, and water. In the shower that one time. Well, check it out: we've got a whole bunch of salt and water, right here. What else do we need?"
"Fire," Jake whispered. "And—that's kind of all."
"Fire," Ryder echoed. "I guess that's like how I feel. What you do to me."
He could hear Jake's labored breathing in the growing darkness. "No, that's, uh. Something else. Something we create together, from the elements, the moon, the sun."
They connected in the water, digging their toes into the sand. Jake's wet hands grappled with Ryder's face, pulling him close as they kissed.
"It's kind of weird how it's so hot and so beautiful at the same time," Ryder said. "Feels almost like—like I must be breaking some kind of rule. Like, church shouldn't turn me on this much."
Jake laughed breathlessly. "I think that's kind of a feature of this kind of church."
"Yeah?" They kissed again, more urgently, and Jake let out a muffled moan. Ryder clutched his back, wondering how far it was safe to take this, out here in the middle of the ocean. No one was around, and yet it felt like they were being watched. Witnessed, by the sky and the stars and the silent moon. He held his breath. "You don't think they mind?"
"Mind?" Jake said.
"That we're two guys."
He turned his head to face the sky, while Ryder felt that same awe wash over him again, gentle and intractable as the sea.
"No," said Jake. He sounded certain. "All acts of love and pleasure, right? We get to worship, same as anybody."
They felt Marley coming before they heard her, the wake of her movement sending ripples of water against their bodies. She paused beside them, smiling as they opened their arms to include her in their embrace.
"This is the most beautiful place I've ever seen," she said. She tipped her head back to receive Jake's kiss on her neck, and sighed at Ryder's hand on her breast.
"I think we should go back to camp," Ryder said, his voice coming out a little hoarse. "I don't think it would be a good idea to be arrested for public indecency on our first night here."
"Mmmm," Marley said playfully. "Are you having some publicly indecent thoughts, then?"
He considered that as they made their way toward shore. Calling his thoughts indecent felt like blasphemy, when he considered the way they had been received by the sky. "I think… maybe the three of us could explore them together. In our tent."
"That sounds perfect," she agreed. They brushed the sand from their sticky skin as they gathered their clothes and began the walk back to camp.
Ryder could hear the distant sound of music over the wind and rush of the ocean. The moon lit their path the whole way back, drawing foreshortened shadows beside them. The feeling of being watched persisted, but not in a creepy way. He'd never felt quite so sure he wasn't alone in the universe as he was at that moment. Then he looked at the two people walking beside him, and he had to laugh. Jake smiled curiously at him.
"Something funny?" he asked.
"Just…" Ryder shrugged, smiling back. "Happy, I guess. All of this, it's a lot."
It was such an understatement that he almost stopped them on the sidewalk right there to explain, but Jake nodded, his face alight with understanding.
"We're really blessed, huh."
Blessed. Ryder closed his eyes on the enormity of it, clutching both their hands tightly.
"Yeah," Marley agreed, her voice rich and full with satisfaction. "We really are."
They got lots of pictures of the other things they did that week in Florida, but Ryder always regretted not being able to capture that first night on the beach. It was the part of their vacation that he remembered most, and there was no way he could share it with anybody else. Then again, he thought, maybe that's what made it so special.
They drove the fourteen hours home, parked the RV, and dragged themselves back to their respective homes. Marley dropped Ryder off, but Ryder just deposited his bags at his house and packed a smaller one before turning around and biking right back to Jake's again.
Tanisha laughed when she saw him at the door. "Not sick of my son yet?" she teased.
"Not even close," Ryder promised. "And I didn't want to miss circle tonight. It's the full moon, right?"
She nodded, looking surprised. "You're paying attention."
Ryder shrugged. "Sometimes things are so obvious, even I can't fail to notice them."
He walked right into Jake's room, dropped his overnight bag on Jake's floor, shucked his jeans beside them, and collapsed on the bed next to Jake, who was already half-asleep.
"Let's do nothing for three hours," he mumbled.
Jake didn't even bother to open his eyes. "That sounds perfect."
"Can I ask you a favor?"
"Only if it doesn't involve moving."
"Not immediately. Would you come to circle with me tonight?"
Now Jake did turn his head to look at him. "You mean, instead of driving out to Alexandra's?"
"Yeah. I know you're supposed to be with them, but… I missed you a lot the last time."
Jake nodded, throwing a leg over Ryder's. "Yeah, sure, I can do that. I missed you too."
They dozed for what felt like a long time, interrupted only by moments of wakefulness to adjust their sleeping positions. When Ryder finally awoke, refreshed at last, he found himself wrapped around Jake like a burrito, his nose buried in Jake's armpit.
"Mmm," Jake said. He opened his eyes and smiled down at Ryder. "Hi."
"I'm going to miss this," Ryder murmured. He worked a hand into the leg of Jake's boxers, evoking a pleased noise from Jake. "Waking up with you like this every day."
"Yeah. It's gonna be really lonely without you and Mar in my bed." He squirmed. "Even without you doing—that."
"You want me to stop?"
"Don't stop," Jake said immediately. "Don't—don't stop. Never stop."
Ryder shifted himself to lean over Jake, nose to nose, close enough to feel Jake's breath on his cheek. "Never?"
"God," Jake said, his face contorting, "you're really—asking me that now?"
In lieu of an answer, Ryder kissed him, reveling in every quiver and thrust of Jake against him until he was finished. He nuzzled Jake's neck.
"You don't have to tell me," Ryder said. "I don't need that kind of promise for what we have to mean something. It already does. It means—everything."
Jake gazed up at him in silence, his lips parted. Now that he'd seen it directed at greater things, Ryder recognized that expression for what it was. He smiled.
"Yeah," he whispered, without waiting for Jake to speak. "Me, too."
They took turns in the shower. Ryder gave himself the salt-and-water treatment. After the experience of an entire ocean to bathe in, it wasn't quite the same anymore, but as he always did, Ryder found himself whispering the words to the blessing Jake had taught him as he washed his lips, heart, groin, knees, and feet. Whatever it meant to anyone else, it was significant to him.
He waited for Jake to get dressed, then held out his hand. Jake took it, watching him warily.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"Nothing," Ryder replied. "Just glad we're doing this together."
Jake's eyes flashed. "Like I said."
"Like you said."
Elizabeth and Peter were already there, helping Tanisha shift the furniture into its usual spots for indoor circle.
"Hey," said Ryder to Elizabeth, "can we interrupt for a second? I mean…" He glanced at Jake, who appeared mystified. "I have a question."
Tanisha tugged Peter's sleeve, and they vanished into the kitchen. Elizabeth gestured for the three of them to sit on the couch. It was like when Alexandra had visited to talk with Jake—only this time, Ryder knew he could trust her.
"What's on your mind?" she asked.
"We, uh," he said, then stopped, took a breath, and tried again. "Something happened when we were in Florida. In the ocean. I mean, maybe it happened before that, but I guess I realized what it meant, when we were there. Because the last time we had circle, I thought it would be okay, but…"
He stopped again, trying to regroup, but then Jake touched his knee.
"I think what Ryder means is," Jake said, "it's not going to work for me to go with Alexandra. Because I don't want to do this without him."
Ryder felt like his heart might stop right there on the couch, but Elizabeth only nodded. "All right. And what do you think, Ryder?"
"I—I don't know if I'm ready to be an initiate," Ryder admitted. He took a steadying breath and turned back to Jake, watching his eyes soften. "I just know I'm not whole in the circle without you there."
She regarded them together. "Well, I must say I'm not surprised."
"You're not?" Ryder demanded.
"Sure. The two of you seemed to work so well together, and you obviously care for each other. I think it makes sense for you to proceed as a working couple. I could put you in touch with some all-male traditions. Or there are groups that will initiate working couples of any gender, even if Alexandra won't." She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "You might need to wait until you're a little older. But if you ask me, listening to your heart is more important than convenience."
"We'll be done with high school soon," said Ryder. "Maybe we should wait until then."
"Regardless, you're welcome to continue attending circles with me and Peter." She touched Ryder on the knee. "You've been an asset to our group. I'm glad you're sticking together."
"Together?" Jake said, still looking at him. When Ryder nodded, he smiled tentatively, and Ryder smiled back, and then he smiled bigger, until Ryder laughed out loud and Jake grabbed him into a crushing hug.
Blessed, Ryder thought dreamily, clutching Jake tight. That's what we are.
I am a star, the tear of the sun
I am a wonder, a wonder in flower
I am the spear as it cries out for blood
The word of great power
I am the wind that breathes on the sea
Who but I can cast light upon the meeting of the mountains?
Who but I will cry aloud the changes in the moon?
Who but I will find the place where hides away the sun?
- Anuna, "Wind on Sea"
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