Chapter 1: Stupid Cat
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters so far (except Ramses van Tart. Heh heh!) Especially Snape. This is Snape's autobiography. Lemme know whatcha think (awful grammar in that sentence!) I tried to be comical, so just let me know. Have fun and enjoy!
I walked the corridor, using my wand to create mischief everywhere. Left and right, a spell was cast, just so I could cause befuddlement. I gave Ramses van Tart a Mohawk, and shaved off his eyebrows. He didn't even notice, the idiot boy. Though his ancestors were quite amazing. He is vaguely descended from Ramses II of Egypt, who was one of my role models until I met this Ramses. He is quite stupid and said Reed brain was well mixed with Salamander heart. If that were so to happen (I didn't try it…well, maybe once) it would create toxic fumes that could poison a whole classroom. That kind of information comes in handy.
So anyway, I was doing one of my favorite pastimes when a boy ran into me and knocked me over. I looked, and saw James Potter staring at me. It took me a moment to realize this wasn't James, this was his son. Archie, Gregory, Harry, something of that sort. But Lily is a beautiful, classic name. Lily should have picked out a good name like Severus, or maybe Romeo. But James must have convinced Lily to choose this name.
Anyway, the boy looked at me for a few long moments. "Sorry, Sir. I must have not been looking where I was going." He tried looking contrite, but it didn't work for me. "Detention, freak boy!" is what I would have loved to say. But instead, I told him, "Watch where you're going, Potter." And he walked on. I kept walking, till I tripped and fell on a cat, more accurately Mrs. Norris.
She looked at me, I looked at her, and she looked at me. Neither of us blinked until- "Ow! My (naughty word) eyes!" I yelled. They had started tearing up from our intense staring. Mrs. Norris looked at me, kissed her lips to her paw, and whacked her butt. Mrs. Norris, though a cat, has always had a thing for me. Yes, a romantic thing indeed. It started when Filch had paid me for brushing Mrs. Norris. He neglected to tell Mrs. Norris he had paid me, and instead she thought it was out of love. Since only Filch has ever treated her nicely, she thought I must like her. Cats are so stupid.
We went to the feast, and then it was dorm time. I got in my "Fluffy Bunny" patented pajamas, and lay down to night bye. To shake off the people saying I was gay, I turned on my radio, playing a live feed from a wrestling match. The macho show was on, so I fell asleep. I dreamed of dancing fairies, dazed and bashful unicorns, and little elves, all named either Polly or Midge. These were the happiest moments of my life, when I was Princess Severusia Elena, and my Prince Dorhavolf comes to save me.