Ichigo woke up and went downstairs for his breakfast. He noticed his family was already there and dressed as if they were going somewhere.
"Why's everyone awake? You people going somewhere?" asked Ichigo.
"Ichigo, don't you know? Today we're going to the countryside for our summer vacation!" replied his sister Yuzu.
"What! Nobody told me about this!" he screamed.
"Yeah, we did, and you said you didn't care about it and went up to your room." Said his sister.
Ichigo suddenly remember that one evening, two weeks ago, when his family was having a discussion regarding were to go on vacation.
"Oh." He said with a blank look on his face.
"But how can I go when I have summer school!" He shouted.
"Oh, you do? SUCKS BEING YOU!" his dad replied as he laughed.
"Ooohh, that sucks!" replied his sister Karin in her best CNN news anchor impersonation.
"And don't you guys have school as well!" Ichigo shouted as he pointed to his sisters.
"Ichigo, the principal at our school got rid of summer school after too many kids were jumping off the roof from all the stress they were on." Replied Karin.
"What am I going to do then?" he asked.
"Try not to kill yourself from all the academic stress." Replied Karin sarcastically.
"Well, we got to go, girls. We have to beat the traffic." His dad said to his sisters.
"Ichigo, I don't really trust you, but I hope to find the house exactly as we left it. Intact." His dad said.
"Don't open the door to strangers, and don't stay up late."
"I am not a little kid, dad!" said Ichigo as he rolled his eyes.
Everyone picked up their suitcases and quickly made their way out the door and left. Ichigo was going to be home alone for three weeks.
Ichigo's dad popped out of the door.
"Almost forgot," he said as he grabbed a six pack from the refrigerator. "Oh, and Ichigo, if you do decided to jump off the roof, please do it somewhere else. I don't want the home's resale value to suffer." He said as he gave him a thumbs up as he left.
"THANKS FOR THE PRO TIP, DAD!" Ichigo screamed as his dad left.
"Man, I hate those morons." He said. "And he took the good stuff, too."
Ichigo was on top of his home's roof. His heart was racing, but he was having trouble looking down below. He felt like he was experiencing vertigo.
"Jump, pussy!" Said a voice coming from the window of a room in the second floor of the house next door. It was Bert from Sesame Street.
"Dude, just do it! Said Ernie who was next to Bert.
"Elmo, says that if life got you with a frown, you should go down. Like jump down below! Said Elmo.
Ichigo took one step forward, as the puppets were watching with ecstatic anticipation.
"Ichigo, don't do it!" Shouted a voice. He turn around to see who it was. It was Orihime. She was walking up to him in the roof.
"Orihime?" He said.
"Ichigo, don't do it! I…" She slipped and fell of and was hanging on to a roof shingle.
"ORIHIME!" Shouted Ichigo as he heard in the background Elmo laughing hysterically at Orihime's misfortune.
"Elmo says 2 to 1 the chick falls down before the pussy jumps off! Said Elmo.
"You're on!" Said Ernie and Bert.
Ichigo got down on his stomach and went to rescue Orihime.
"Grab my hand!" He said.
She grabbed it, but her hand was still slipping.
"ICHIGO!" She screamed as she was falling, as Elmo's laughter could be heard in the background.
"ORIHIME!" Yelled Ichigo as he, too, fell off the roof, much to the cheers of Bert, Ernie, and Elmo.
Ichigo woke up in a cold sweat.
"Man, that's the last time I eat a tub of chocolate ice cream before going to bed! And watching Sesame Street." He said, as he went back to sleep.
The next day, Ichigo attended his school. He told Rukia about his problem, but she didn't really care about it. She was only going to be in school for a few days before heading back to Soul Society to fill out paperwork and continue her training. He didn't want to tell Chad, Keigo, Mizuiro, and the rest of the gang because they might convince him to throw the biggest party the town had ever seen-the biggest unsupervised, booze-fueled party the town had seen. So he kept his mouth shut. Plus, he didn't want his dad to kill him after finding the place completely trashed.
The following day, as school was over and he was going home, Orihime approached him.
"Kurosaki-kun, did you understand the lesson? Nobody I asked understood it." She said, rather shyly.
"Yeah, I understood it. It's all vocab. If you watch American movies, you'll better understand the lesson instead of just trying to memorize the words." Ichigo said nonchalantly.
"Could, could you help me? Please." She said with a blushing face.
"Sure, why not. It's not like I have anything better to do at home since everyone went on vacation." He said.
"You're home alone, Kurosaki-kun?" She asked, curiously.
"Yeah, say why don't you come on over? It'll be quiet and we can get some studying done without being disturbed." He said.
"S-u-re. Why not?" She said blushing red.
They walked home together.
He opened the door to his home and he went to the refrigerator.
"You want something to eat or drink, Orihime?" Asked Ichigo as he grabbed a Coke to drink.
"N-o, thank you, Kurosaki-kun." Replied Orihime nervously.
"Okay, my room is this way." Ichigo said as he led the way.
Suddenly, he heard some strange noises coming from his room.
"Wait, was going?" He asked.
He opened the door to reveal Toshiro and Rangiku engaging in a moment of deep intimacy. On his bed.
"WHAT THE HELL, YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN MY BED!" He screamed.
"My poor virgin eyes!" Shouted Orihime as she was blushing a deep red at the sight she had just witnessed.
Toshiro and Rangiku quickly stopped what they were doing and were covering themselves up.
"MY BED SHEETS! I JUST WASHED THESE LAST NIGHT! THESE ARE $300 BED SHEETS, YOU MORONS!" He continued to scream.
"Kurosaki-kun, cool it we get!" Replied Toshiro.
"You stupid horn dogs have five minutes to put some clothes on and explained what the hell is going on!" Ichigo demanded as he went out of his room and closed the door.
"Ichigo, is that what I think it was they were doing?" Orihime asked with a blushing face.
"Yeah." He said embarrassed. He didn't even bother to make eye contact.
"Is that how babies are made?" Asked Orihime deeply embarrassed.
"What! Don't tell me?" He looked at her in shock. "Yeah, that's how we all came to be." He said in an embarrassed tone and with a blushing face.
Orihime's eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped, shocked at what she just learned.
Five minutes were up and they both went into the room. Toshiro and Rangiku were dressed and were sitting on Ichigo's bed.
"Okay, I want to know why, of all the places in the world, when you morons could have gone to a love hotel, why you chose MY BEDROOM!" He said in a frustrated voice.
"We don't have enough money for a hotel room. " Answered Rangiku.
"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU IMBECILES DO IT AT YOUR PLACE!" He shouted.
"Or could it be that you people take to heart Avenue Q's advice when they said you can be as loud as the hell you want when you're banging each other!" Ichigo said.
Both Rangiku and Toshiro looked embarrassed.
"Oh, so I take when you two horn dogs get it on, you're as loud as a wilder beast giving birth, huh? He said. "So loud, the neighbors complained, right?" Asked Ichigo sarcastically.
Rangiku and Toshiro were silent and were blushing.
"But I wonder who told you nobody was home when you two decided to bang?" Ichigo continued.
"It was Rukia." Rangiku said. "But she mentioned it casually in a conversation. She doesn't know about us." She said.
"That little rat! I should have dumped her into the streets at the first chance I got!" Ichigo said. "And what do you mean, she doesn't know about you two? You a couple, or something?"
They didn't answered but were blushing with embarrassment.
"Look, I don't care if you're friends with benefits, but I don't want you two idiots to ever do this again in MY ROOM, AND IN MY HOUSE! YOU GOT IT!" Ichigo shouted.
"Kurosaki-kun, don't tell anyone about this." Said Toshiro.
"Oh, don't worry. I won't tell anyone about how I caught Captain Hitsugaya and Lieutenant Matsumoto banging in my bed! As if anyone would ever believe me!" Ichigo said sarcastically.
"I'm serious, Kurosaki-kun, don't tell anyone. You too, Orihime." Said Toshiro.
"Take your 'ho and get out of here!" Said Ichigo pointing to Toshiro.
"Hey! Don't call her that!" Said Toshiro.
"I'm not a 'ho!" Said Rangiku angrily.
"If it looks like a 'ho, acts and talks like one, it's a 'ho!" Said Ichigo.
"I'm gonna kill you, fool!" Shouted Toshiro as he got up and was ready to fight, if Rangiku didn't held him back.
"Shiro, NO! We'll get in more trouble!" Said Rangiku as he was holding him off.
"Let's go shrimp boy!" egged Ichigo, while he took his shirt off to reveal his athletic body.
"I'll take you out right here, right now, if your 'ho will let you!" He said mockingly.
Toshiro managed break to out of Rangiku's grip, and Ichigo and him almost came to blows if it wasn't for Orihime and Rangiku who quickly managed to regain a hold on them.
"Orihime, hold him back, otherwise these guys are going to kill each other!" Rangiku shouted.
Orihime was holding back Ichigo. She was secretly enjoying being close to him while he was shirtless.
"I see you're the type of nigga that listens to a 'ho, instead of fighting like a real man!" Ichigo said, mockingly.
"Let's go, tomorrow after school! Let's see how macho you are, Kurosaki-kun! I'll send you to the ICU!" said Toshiro, angrily.
"Will you both knock it off?!" Shouted Rangiku. "Nobody is going to fight anyone! Ichigo, we'll replace your bed sheets, ok. So calm down." Said Rangiku.
Both of them cooled off. Rangiku and Toshiro left Ichigo's house. Orihime left, as well. Ichigo went to look for some replacement sheets in his closet. This day had been one of the craziest in his life.
It had been a week now, and Ichigo had bought some new bed sheets. He was still going to summer school, and word of the incident hadn't spread. One day he came home and went to his room. He lay on his bed to relax for a bit before he started on his homework, when he noticed a smell. It was the smell of detergent.
"That's funny, I didn't wash these." He said as he smelled his bed sheets. He got out of bed, and went to the side corner of the bed. He had put through a sewing needle into the bed sheet and mattress. It wasn't there anymore. He rushed towards the laundry room in his home. The laundry detergent was in the wrong place where it was usually stored. Also, its sticker that was in its opening, was missing. Someone had used it. It couldn't have been Ichigo because he was planning on doing the laundry the next day. He suddenly realized who had used it. And he was boiling angry.
"All right, you wanna screw with me? You're gonna pay in full with interest!" He said.
He was now a man on fire. Those that dared to mess with him would surely pay.
Two days later, on top of the school's roof, the rest of the Shinigamis from Soul Society were talking. Ichigo coolly walked in.
"Ayo, so what you Niggas doing?" He said.
"Nothing, just talking 'bout this and that." Said Renji.
"Oh, yeah? Say, did you Niggas know that Hitsugaya and Matsumoto have been banging each other like crazy?" He said as he waited for their jaws to drop at the revelation.
They looked at him as he was a certified idiot. They broke out in laughter.
"Ichigo, what you been smoking, mahn?!" Said Ikkaku. "Tell me who's your dealer, 'cause I want some of that dank stuff!"
"Ha, ha, ha" Ichigo laughed sarcastically, as he kept his cool. He was now in control. "I'm 'bout to drop an H-bomb on all you Niggas!" He said as he took out his cellphone and played a video for all them to watch.
Their jaws dropped, their nasal vessels erupted, as they saw Rangiku and Toshiro actually going all the way. They were shouting each other's name, as they experienced moments of ecstasy.
"NO WAY THAT'S THEM!" replied Uryū in shock.
"The proof's right there!" Ichigo said.
The rest of the Shinigamis agreed.
"But how did you recorded it?" Asked Renji.
"It, was I, Kon P.I.!" Shouted Kon as he appeared out of nowhere, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and wearing a mustache on his face.
"Who are you supposed to be? A sleazy porn producer?" Laughed Ikkaku.
"I'm Magnum P.I.! Respect the 80's, fool!" As he punched him on the face hard enough to knocked him on the floor.
"See, that's the problem with your generation. They don't know what good TV is, even if it bit them in the chicken nuggets!" Kon said.
"Wait, so he recorded it?" Asked Renji.
"Dats rrrrrright, playa! It wasn't easy, but I delivered!" Said Kon proudly.
"Yeah, he got the goods all right." Said Ichigo with a grin on his face.
The door to the rooftop opened, and out came Toshiro and Rangiku. Everybody was silent for an eternal minute.
"What happened? Why are all of you quiet?" Asked Toshiro.
Everyone shouted out their questions to Toshiro. They were slapping his back to congratulate him on his good fortunate.
"Let me tell you, I've seen some crazy things on the Discovery Channel, but yours is the craziest I've seen, captain!" Said Renji.
"We didn't think you had in you, captain, but we were totally wrong. You're a real dawg, mahn!" Said Ikkaku.
"You got the hottest babe in all of society, captain. You gotta tell us your moves! You've given hope to a lot fools out there!" Said Uryū.
"What are you guys talking about?!" Replied Toshiro, blushing.
"You don't need to be modest, captain. We know you're a total dawg. Am I right, Rangiku?" Said Ikkaku, as he gave Rangiku a wink.
Rangiku became red with embarrassment.
"ICHIGO, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Screamed Toshiro, as he threw a punch at him. It connect and Ichigo landed on the floor.
Everyone went nuts.
"WORLDSTAR!" Shouted Renji, as he got out his phone to record the incident.
Keigo got his cellphone and played a 10 hour loop of Street Fighters Guile's Theme on full volume.
"Get up Ichigo! I didn't raise you to be a pussy! Send this Nigga to the morgue! Get up, Ichigo 'cause Kon loves you, baby!" Kon shouted.
Ichigo got up and spat the blood from his mouth.
"Yo, Toshiro let's finish this! And keep yo 'ho out of this!" He said with a grin.
Toshiro angrily lunged at him. Ichigo moved to the side and delivered a blow to his back. Toshiro fell to the floor.
"TOSHIRO!" Rangiku screamed.
Toshiro got up, and with range on his eyes, he started punching. Ichigo was ducking the punches, when he delivered a left hook that connected. It knocked Toshiro right to the floor.
"Get up, Toshiro! Unless you don't have any energy left. All that fooling around must have drained you, huh?" Ichigo said with a smile on his face.
Toshiro got up and quickly punched Ichigo right in the stomach. It surprised Ichigo, but it didn't knocked him out completely.
"Let's go!" Ichigo said, as he regained his composure.
Toshiro continued to throw punches and kicks. Some of them landing, others not connecting. Ichigo delivered a roundhouse to Toshiro that connected and it knocked him to the floor. He wasn't moving.
"NO!" Rangiku screamed as he went over to Toshiro.
"Move out of the way, Rangiku. It's time for this fool to pay his bill." He said pointing to Toshiro.
"No!" She shouted. "You kill him, and you'll leave my future child without a father." She said with tears on her eyes.
The crowded shouted, "OHHHHH, CAPTAIN KNOCKED HER UP!"
"I don't care. This is a man's business. Save your crocodile tears for someone who cares." He said.
Toshiro got up.
"Let's finish this. Once and for all." He said.
"It's your funeral." Ichigo said with a grin.
"No, Shiro! Don't do this! I don't want to raise our child alone!" She said with tears in her eyes, as she took Toshiro's hand and placed it on her stomach.
"If I don't defend the honor of my woman, what kind of man am I? My child will grow up with his mother being insulted left and right, all because of this idiot." Toshiro said as he moved towards Ichigo.
Rangiku knelt on the floor and began to cry. Ichigo and Toshiro went to the center of the roof to face off.
"AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!" Shouted Renji, as he brought out two 10 feet ladders, as the theme song of John Cena was playing in the background.
He set them up in the center of the roof.
"Give us the fight everybody wants!" He told Ichigo and Toshiro. He pointed at Ichigo, and said
"Do it for John Cena!"
Both of them quickly climb up to top of their respective ladders.
"Let's give the people what they want." Said Ichigo, with a grin.
"Why not?" Replied Toshiro. "Did you know your mother was a Quincy whore?" He said with a grin.
"WHAT'CHU TALKIN' 'BOUT MUH MAMA!" Shouted Ichigo, as he threw himself at Toshiro. He put him in a headlock, as both loss their balance and fell off the ladder. It was a 10 feet drop.
They hit the ground with a bone cracking sound, but quickly regained their conscious and began to use the ladders as swords.
"Please, won't someone stop this senseless violence?!" Screamed Rangiku, with tears in her eyes.
"Oh, shut yo trap, woman! Leave dem niggas alone! Dey juz be having some good ol' fashion clean fun. What do you want them to do? Shoot up a liquor store? Get in trouble with the police? Get 30 years for moving 20 keys? You already got knocked up, do you really want to make things worse?" Said Ikkaku.
Ichigo and Toshiro were using the ladders with such force, that the ladders were thrown off the roof. They went to moving around in a circle in the center of the roof, as each one was trying to find a weak spot to exploit that would quickly deliver victory via a KO.
"Oh, come on! Is this Barney and friends starring Mayweather and Pacquiao, or is this the fight of the century?" Shouted Renji.
Toshiro delivered a roundhouse kick to Ichigo, which threw him to the corner but he quickly got up and went up to Chad.
"Yo, dawg, help me 9/11 this jackass."
"Yo, Ichigo, you sure?"
"You help me out, dawg, and you can have all of my Soldier of Fortune magazine collection." Said Ichigo.
"Even the Rambo and Miami Vice issues?" Asked Chad.
"Everything. I swear on Chibi Maruko-Chan." Said Ichigo.
"7-Eleven was a part-time job, but the government still audited my tax returns!" Chad shouted excitingly.
Ichigo assumed an airplane position and Chad grabbed him by the legs as he shouted,
"HADOUKEN!", and threw Ichigo across the roof and into Toshiro.
As he was flying across the roof at a high speed, Ichigo remember when Kon said this to him:
"You are who you choose to be."
"SUPERMAN!" Ichigo replied with a grin, as he crashed into Toshiro.
"DAYUM! DID YOU NIGGAS SEE DAT?" Shouted Ikkaku in amazement, as he was recording horizontally on his phone and had a 4k GoPro strapped on his head to capture every special Kodak moment of the fight. Those $3,000 a month online film classes, were finally paying off.
Everyone rushed to the corner to see if Ichigo and Toshiro were all right. They were not, as both were unconscious. Rangiku grabbed Toshiro's body and put her head next to his, and cried.
Fortunately, both survived, but were suspended for fighting on school grounds. Their fight got 7 million views on WORLDSTAR. Both had to spend their suspensions at home. For Toshiro, that meant spending it at his apartment where his entire floor had gone on a long vacation. So there was an upside to all of this for him, especially since Rangiku was deeply impressed with the way he defended her honor against Ichigo. It was a major turn on for her. Ichigo's family arrived back from their vacation, and didn't suspect anything since his bruises had healed by then. Orihime finally had the courage to ask Ichigo on a date after watching the video of the fight. She couldn't resist a bad boy. Both Rangiku and Toshiro were suspended from their duties as captain and lieutenant because of their pregnancy. No violation of any laws in the Shinigami's handbook were found, but they were fined for the fight and were ordered to get married as soon as possible-which they did- or face demotion.
Kon was proud to have raised a tough fighter in Ichigo.