Professor Grubbly-Plank Goes to Hogwarts
For The Real Snape
Characters belong to JK Rowling, except for Weston Grubbly who belongs to Tetleybag.
The exchange between Wilhelmina and Ron and Harry was taken from 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire', chapter 24.
ooo
Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank was thrilled. Christmas and New Year were over and here she was with an unexpected last minute treat. Professor Dumbledore, the eccentric headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was offering her a post to teach in his prestigious school.
True, the letter did not mention the length of the contract, or even any contract at all. She was only asked to fill in for the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, who was presently indisposed.
If Wilhelmina agreed - the salary was good - she should be starting... tomorrow.
How inconvenient that the care of Magical Creatures teacher should fall ill so suddenly, just as term was beginning. It must be something serious, or Dumbledore would not have made the effort to look for a replacement. That he had done so with such haste indicated how important the subject was to him.
No time for dilly-dallying. Wilhelmina had to make up her mind immediately.
The offer was tempting. Not having been lucky enough to study at Hogwarts herself, Wilhelmina had always been curious about this school that was named after an animal's skin disease. Durmstrang, she knew, owed its name to its founder's propensity for spoonerisms and Beauxbatons, well, what could one expect from French machism? Hogwarts, on the other hand... Hogwarts appealed to Wilhelmina. Here was an opportunity to investigate the area's historical connection to hogs.
Dumbledore's letter was friendly. He hoped the favour he was asking would not be too much of an inconvenience. As an aside, he reminded her how busy everyone was with the Triwizard Tournament, and as another aside, that she would be teaching the two Hogwarts champions, Cedric Diggory and Harry Potter.
Wilhelmina smiled to herself. Here was an opportunity to voice her opinion about youngsters being forced to attack nesting mother dragons to steal their eggs.
She would be teaching the children of the most influential families in British wizardry: the Malfoys, the Bones, the Longbottoms... This could be a once in a lifetime opportunity to make a difference in the world.
Of course, arrangements had to be made for the animals entrusted to her care, and this as fast as possible, if Wilhelmina was to get to Hogwarts... tonight.
This was where Mr Al came in handy. Mr Al was Wilhelmina's husband. His name wasn't really Al. It was Weston Grubbly. Al was short for Alibi, or, in a few more words, I'm-married-leave-me-Alone. After marrying Wilhelmina Plank for convenience, Mr Al had had the good taste to humbly walk away. That's why Will and Al were the best of friends, always there for each other in a crisis. Like now.
Wilhelmina accepted the offer.
ooo
Thanks to Mr Al's help, Wilhelmina arrived at the gates of Hogwarts that very evening, together with Bianca the unicorn and Angie the owl.
Hogwarts looked unreal and eerie on that dark, snowy January evening. No signs of hogs, of course, except for the stone boars that shook the snow off their wings at regular intervalls.
Bianca neighed softy, in awe, and Angie fluttered excitedly, sensing the proximity of the Owlery.
The man who walked up the path to greet them looked as unreal as the castle. His beard was as white as the snow. He looked like a purple Father Christmas. It had to be Professor Dumbledore, come himself to meet her.
"Aah, welcome to Hogwarts, Professor Grubbly-Plank. And welcome to your companions."
Bianca didn't seem at ease with Dumbledore, but then, he was a man. Wilhelmina found him as friendly as his letter. She was entirely disposed to reserve her judgement about his flashy clothes and impractical high-heeled boots.
"Professor Sprout will show you around," beamed Dumbledore, leaving Wilhelmina with a rosy-cheeked plump little witch that Bianca like much better.
"Call me Pomona," said Professor Sprout in a softer voice than she usually used. The unicorn had that effect on some people.
Bianca was led to her stable and Angie settled in the Owlery.
"I'll show you Hagrid's territory before you get settled down," said Pomona cheerfully.
"These are my greenhouses over there," she added proudly. "I teach Herbology."
Despite the darkness, Wilhelmina could see the animals were well cared for.
As they approached a wooden cabin, Pomona lost her cheerful manner.
"That's Hagrid's house. And in there... I don't know, perhaps it wouldn't be so bad if you just ignored them."
She indicated a number of long crates in which were the strangest and ugliest creatures Wilhelmina had ever seen.
"Hagrid's Blast-Ended Skrewts."
"Blasted what?"
"Blasted Blast-Ended Skrewts."
Another expert on Magical Creatures might have hesitated to admit ignorance, but Wilhelmina was a straight-forward person.
"Never heard of them."
"No one has. They are Hagrid's invention. He bred them."
Comprehension dawned.
"Mm... I did read something to that effect in the Daily Prophet."
Pomona tut-tutted.
"Life is hard enough without that Skeeter woman. She never gets her facts right. Can you believe she omitted to even mention the Hufflepuff champion?"
"So the Skrewts...?"
"They're dangerous."
"I assume Professor Hagrid takes necessary precautions with the students."
"Oh, he does. No one has ever been seriously injured. No more than in my own lessons."
"I see. Miss Skeeter did mention a Flobberworm bite, which did a lot to lessen her credibility. Still, I suppose the Headmaster is aware of the existence of these, um, Blast-Ended Skrewts."
"Of course, Dumbledore knows everything."
Somehow Wilhelmina wasn't surprised.
A dog barked in Hagrid's hut.
'You don't need to take care of Fang. Hagrid's there."
Fang?
"He is there now?"
"Well, yes."
"Has he... I hope he hasn't been attacked?"
"By the Skrewts, you mean? Nonsense. Hagrid knows how to handle them."
"Is it possible to visit him?"
"He doesn't want to see anybody."
Wilhelmina couldn't stop thinking of the Skrewts as she followed Pomona to the apartments Professor Kettleburn used to occupy.
"What do they eat?" she asked, abruptly interrupting Pomona, who had been praising Hufflepuff champion Cedric Diggory for the last ten minutes.
"Who?"
"The Skrewts."
"Oh, the Skrewts. I don't feed them, thank goodness. Ask the students."
Dinner awaited Wilhelmina in her apartments.
"Professor Dumbledore is thinking Professor Grubbly-Plank is too tired to go to the Great Hall tonight," squeaked an eager-looking house-elf.
Wilhelmina gave a snort worthy of a Thestral. The elf cowered.
"Sorry," said Wilhelmina. "I didn't mean to be rude."
"If Professor Grubbly-Plank is wanting something else, Professor Grubbly-Plank should call Gluppy," added the elf shyly.
"I'll be fine, thank you, Gluppy."
Wilhelmina was a bit disappointed. She didn't feel that tired and she would have liked to meet her colleagues and students and see the famous Great Hall. It would have to wait for tomorrow. In the meantime, dinner, followed by a good pipe, would help her sort out her first impressions, as well as study the time-table that had been left for her. She had little time to get her lessons prepared and no way of knowing what the students had learned so far, but she couldn't go wrong with Bianca. Unicorns were always winners.
ooo
Wilhelmina got up early for her first morning of teaching. She climbed up to the Owlery to meet Angie's new friends, then she crossed the snowy grounds to visit Bianca and all the school animals, including the giant horses from Beauxbatons (- only single-malt whisky, humph! That Madame Maxime spoiled them rotten.)
Wilhelmina still had no idea what to feed the Skrewts. She would have to find out. Though these creatures were clearly the products of illegal breeding, of which she highly disapproved, the harm had been done and the poor things might be hungry. Not to mention hunger could make them dangerous.
She arrived for breakfast late, nearly colliding with her old friend Rolanda Hooch, who was delighted to see her, but rushing off somewhere.
Did she give lessons in the snow?
Pomona greeted Wilhelmina and introduced her to Alastor Moody, who pierced her uncomfortably with his magical eye, Madame Maxime, who looked at her dubiously and worried about her horses and Minerva McGonagall, the Deputy Headmistress, who reminded her she would be teaching Harry Potter this morning, as if this were a special treat.
There wasn't much time to talk or even look at the students' tables. Wilhelmina bolted down a cup of coffee and a bowl of porridge and set out in the snow again for her first lesson.
ooo
Most of the third year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were already waiting for her when Wilhelmina reached Hagrid's cabin. Her appearance cause a ripple of excited curiosity.
"Good morning, class. My name is Professor Grubbly-Plank. I am your temporary Care of Magical creatures teacher."
The cluster of Hufflepuff girls whispered excitedly. A few glanced furtively in the direction of the Skrewts.
"Welcome to Hogwarts," said one of the Hufflepuff boys, probably a future headmaster.
"Thank you. This way, please."
The further they got to the Skrewts, the happier they looked.
"A unicorn," said a dreamy voice. It belonged to a blonde Ravenclaw who was walking a little ahead of the rest. "She isn't from the Forest."
"No, she isn't. Girls, follow me. Boys, you'll have to stay by the fence. They prefer the woman's touch, unicorns."
The future headmaster was a little insulted.
"Shsh!" said Wilhelmina, as the girls ooooohed and aaaaahed. The blonde girl, however, had walked silently to the unicorn, looked her in the eye and begun stroking her.
"You're nice," she said, still in her dreamy voice.
The other girls exchanged amused glances, but soon they too were stroking the unicorn, while Wilhelmina gave her lesson in a loud voice for the benefit of the boys who were leaning over the fence.
Time flies when you're teaching about unicorns.
"Are you staying, Professor? Is the unicorn staying?" the girls asked eagerly, when the lesson was over.
"Is Hagrid all right?" the future headmaster wanted to know.
"Professor Hagrid is indisposed. I am staying until he is up to teaching again."
This caused a new eruption of whispering, during which Wilhelmina wondered if she should ask the Ravenclaw girl's name. She decided against it, as the girl didn't seem to mix well with her classmates. There was no reason to set her apart even more.
"Before you go, could you tell me what the Skrewts eat?"
The question was met with looks of horror.
"They suck blood," said a girl in a disgusted voice.
"And they kill each other," added another.
"What does Hagrid feed them?"
"Nothing."
"We're not going back to learning Skrewts, are we?"
"No."
They walked away happily.
This was teaching? Wilhelmina loved it.
Especially if she didn't have to feed the Skrewts.
The following class was fourth year Gryffindors and Slytherins which, as the Deputy Headmistress had reminded Wilhelmina, comprised Triwizard champion Harry Potter.
They were late, champion included. Wilhelmina had to stand in the cold for a good five minutes before the first group arrived. The Gryffindors. Wilhelmina immediately recognised Harry Potter's glasses and scar from the pictures in the Daily Prophet.
"Hurry up, the bell rang five minutes ago."
They stared at her.
"Who're you?" blurted out a redhead who was standing next to Harry Potter.
"My name is Professor Grubbly-Plank," said Wilhelmina in a less friendly tone than she had used for the previous class.
"Where's Hagrid?" protested Harry Potter.
"He's indisposed."
Laughing voices announced the arrival of the Slytherins.
"This way, please," said Wilhelmina.
"What's wrong with Hagrid?" insisted Potter.
"Never you mind."
"I do mind, though. What's up with him?"
Wilhelmina ignored him. Triwizard champions weren't getting any privileged treatment from her.
For the second time, a group of students was led to the unicorn. A reassuring pat from Wilhelmina convinced Bianca she didn't mind being admired again. She even picked a sturdy Slytherin girl as her favourite.
The lesson began. Wilhelmina found she didn't mind the repetitiveness at all. The girls listened in awe.
The boys were a Hippogriff of a different colour. They couldn't care less about unicorns. They spent the whole time bickering and reading the newspaper. Wilhelmina almost had to shout to get their attention.
At the end of the lesson, Wilhelmina was less than impressed with champion Harry Potter.
Bianca was rewarded for her cooperation, the rest of the animals were fed and Wilhelmina joined her colleagues for lunch.
This time she met Charms teacher Filius Flitwick and Potions master Severus Snape, who identified her best students as Luna Lovegood and Millicent Bulstrode. Snape seemed quite gratified with Wilhelmina's lack of enthusiasm for Harry Potter.
"Arrogant, lazy, mediocre, thinks he is above the rules," he supplied.
"Did I just hear you describe Draco Malfoy?" asked Minerva.
They glared at each other, under the amused smiles of the rest of the staff. Even Wilhelmina could tell that these two were anything but enemies.
"Malfoy would be the blond one?" she said. "He and Potter kept bickering instead of paying attention."
"They do that constantly," sighed Minerva. "Albus, why do the Gryffindors have to study with the Slytherins? It must be exceedingly frustrating to teach them together."
"You don't have to, my dear," twinkled Dumbledore. "It's just so that the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs can have some peace and quiet." He beamed at Pomona and Filius.
"I'm sure Professor Grubbly-Plank doesn't mind."
It wasn't a question, and Wilhelmina couldn't very well criticise the system on her first day. Besides, she was reserving her protests for the defence of mother dragons' rights, when the time came.
It didn't come during lunch.
The rest of the meal was spent listening to information Filius provided about Luna Lovegood. Severus, on the other hand, seemed much less eager to talk about Millicent Bulstrode than he had been to criticise Harry Potter.
In the afternoon Wilhelmina taught Cedric Diggory. He was a sort of unicorn boy himself, if there were such a thing: handsome and pure. Modest, well-behaved, showing interest. Indeed, everything Pomona had told Wilhelmina.
When the animals had been fed and settled for the night, Wilhelmina felt unusually tired. At dinner she found all her colleagues at the table. No one was rushing off anywhere, not even Rolanda, who was very happy to tell Wilhelmina she certainly did give lessons in the snow, as the first years needed to know how to fly in any weather. Madame Maxime's inquiry about her houses was slightly less dubious and Moody's eye less interested in the newcomer. Wilhelmina allowed herself to relax while listening to Minerva and Severus' battle of wits.
"Do you mind if I smoke?"
Filius interrupted his conversation with Sybill Trelawney, the Divination teacher, about one of his students who wanted to drop the subject.
"The only smoking we see around here these days is caused by Pepper Imps," he squeaked.
"Or cauldrons," Severus reminded him dryly.
"A pipe!" exclaimed Rolanda.
"Jealous?"
"I'm not messing up my lungs. I need them."
"What kind of tobacco, my dear?"
Wilhelmina handed the pipe out to Pomona who sniffed it appreciatively. Rolanda snatched it and sneezed. Then, to Wilhelmina's through annoyance, the pipe was passed from hand to hand along the table. The Triwizard Tournament was not enough, the teachers needed more entertainment.
"Never seen a bloody pipe?" growled Moody who, nonetheless, glared through it with his magical eye.
"Women's pipes are just the same as men's," snapped Minerva, returning it to its owner.
No one had actually objected, so Wilhelmina pointed her wand.
"Incendio."
Through a screen of smoke, the staff table looked surealistic: Moody with his globulous eye, Severus who looked like a vampire, Dumbledore like the God of her childhood who had never helped her, Minerva's flashing square glasses, sunflower Pomona, thistle Rolanda, Bowtruckle Sybill, Madame Maxime looming over the table like a giant goddess of sorrow and Filius... that man had to be part Goblin.
Nothing wrong with that.
Nothing wrong with everything.
Wilhelmina sighed contentedly.
"How was your first day?" asked Minerva.
Wilhelmina blew a cloud of smoke in Moody's direction.
"I like it."
ooo
Wilhelmina never got a chance to bring up the mother dragon issue. Her teaching experience lasted twelve days. Nine days, if you didn't count the week-end and a half.
Wilhelmina taught each class twice.
She learned that the Weasley twins were only interested in gathering unicorn hair, Harry Potter and his friends and enemies were too involved in their own concerns to pay attention and Luna Lovegood and Millicent Busltrode were her best students.
The end of her career of replacement teaching arrived abruptly on her second Saturday evening. She was just getting used to the welcome week-end breaks, when she could smoke and read the paper more leisurely as well as enjoy broom rides over Scotland with Rolanda. During the week-ends, the students became a lulling rumble like that of traffic on a neighbouring street. They didn't bother her and she was very happy not to bother them.
She had got to know and appreciate her colleagues: starry-eyed Aurora, who confessed she was afraid of animals, but couldn't resist Bianca, narky Severus, with whom she agreed that young Potter needed to be brought down a peg or two for his own good, regal Minerva, wise Filius, friendly Pomona, and Dumbledore, the genial headmaster who always seemed to be enjoying some private joke.
Moody was a little creepy, but Wilhelmina had met worse creatures in her career.
She was sorry, on her second Saturday night, when Dumbledore told her with a twinkle that Hagrid was well enough to resume teaching. Not sorry that the poor man was healthy again, of course. Sorry that the experience had come to an end so suddenly. Sorry to be found so dispensable.
After dinner and a good pipe to recover from the shock (the staff had got used to her pipe and moved on to other objects of entertainment, such as the upcoming Second Task), Wilhelmina went over to knock on Hagrid's door.
A half-giant in a flowery apron opened the door.
"Professor Hagrid?"
"Yeah. And who're you?"
"Professor Grubbly-Plank. Well, I was."
"Yeh were?"
Hagrid scratched his scraggly head.
"I mean, I was the temporary care of Magical Creature teacher," said Wilhelmina, gently pushing off Fang who had taken a liking to her.
"Ah, yeah. Professor Dumbledore though' I migh' get jealous if som'un else came ter teach. Great man, Dumbledore."
"So that was the idea?"
Wilhelmina couldn't help smiling. Somehow, she felt no bitterness at all. She had been allowed entrance into a most interesting world.
"I am glad to see you are well again. I taught your students about unicorns. They all enjoyed it, except the fourth year Gryffindor and Slytherin boys."
"Fourth year... ? Harry 'n Malfoy, yeh mean? Why wouldn't they like unicorns?"
He scratched his head again. Then his face split into a wide smile.
"Aah... It's not the unicorns. They missed me... I'll teach 'em unicorns," he added.
"I am sure that would make your students very happy."
Professor Grubbly-Plank liked unicorns, Hagrid preferred monsters, but after a few of Hagrid's large brandies, they agreed it was all a question of taste.
"Merlin, you're drunk!" roared Rolanda in disgust, as Wilhelmina staggered out of Hgrid's cabin. "And I wanted to take you for a last flight over Hogwarts."
Wilhelmina took a deep breath. "No, I'm not. Just a bit... Unusual man, Hagrid, isn't he?"
"Very unusual. We all like him, of course, but, you know, we like you too. Nothing's ever simple, is it?"
Wilhelmina agreed that nothing was.
Night falls early in January, so I can't treat you to the romantic picture of two witches flying off in the sunset, but I am sure neither of them cares.
And the story is not really finished.