Warning: This story contains madness and is weird and it is not recommended for pregnant and nursing women.
Just kidding, but this is really quite crazy. If you know Monty Python's Flying Circus, precisely the sketch about defending oneself against fruit, you'll know where this idea came from. If you don't know it, you should watch it because it's great.
Enjoy and let me know what you think!
„SO!"
Everybody assembled in the gym that belonged to Starfleet headquarters jumped up in the air when the single word was shouted. They all stood in perfect line and waited for the lesson to begin. Ensign Pavel Andreievich Chekov was shifting nervously as this was the first he has taken this lesson he only heard too much about from his best friend Hikaru Sulu. He couldn't let him go there alone again because he had a mistaken opinion that he could defend both himself and Hikaru. Nobody had the heart to tell the young Russian the truth.
„Today I'm going to teach you how to defend yourself against an attacker armed with a fluffy animal." Khan Noonien Singh stepped out from the shadow that had been hiding him and everybody took a slightly deeper breath than before. He waited for some time and stared at them.
„But we've already done that," Nyota Uhura had enough courage to say what they all –except Chekov – were thinking about.
„When?!" Khan walked closer to her and glared at her. Engineer Montgomery Scott tried to say something but Khan ignored him.
„What Lieutenant Uhura is trying to say is that we have already had a lesson about defending ourselves against attackers armed with animals that have furr." Spock drew Khan's attention and the latter moved towards the Vulcan.
„We have done squirrels?" He asked, spitting the words slowly at Spock.
„I believe we have." Spock answered, his expression neutral.
„Dogs?"
„Affirmative."
„Cats?"
„Affirmative."
„Giraffes?"
„Affirmative."
„Dolphins?"
„That's not a fluffy animal," Jim Kirk objected. He was angry at Khan anyway; he couldn't stand when people were looking at Spock for too long and well, there was this tiny but important fact that Khan had killed him. Well, not directly as he hadn't said:'Kirk, go to the warp core and die in it.' but still. Jim couldn't stand that man.
„And so what?" The super-human turned to him.
„Shouldn't we get over the zoo part and get to the point? I don't have enough time for this weird stuff." Jim frowned at Khan who nearly growled at him.
„Well, Mr Kirk," Khan hissed and began to pace around, „If you know everything so well, what will you do if you walk somewhere in the night, everything's dark and suddenly somebody runs against you with a Russian dwarf hamster in hand?"
„I don't know." Kirk said, perplexed.
„Hell, why would anybody do that?" Leonard McCoy finished Jim's sentence for him.
„Because he's a Starfleet Captain! They'll keep him a prisoner, question him and at least kill him and let the hamster eat his heart." Khan shouted and everybody but Spock almost fell down. The Vulcan was as stoic as usual.
„Hamsters don't eat hearts," Carol Marcus interrupted.
„Really? Let's see what you'll say after one dines on your insides!" Khan spitted the words at her.
„She wouldn't say anything. She'd be dead if something ate her heart," Uhura crossed her arms on her chest.
„Exactly. And since as dead you wouldn't be able to say I was right, I want you all alive until you say so." Khan announced, clearly satisfied with himself.
„Ah, that's so generous and great of you." Uhura returned.
„I haff never seen a Russian dwarf hamster," Pavel whimpered and caught everyone's attention.
„You are a lucky person then!" Khan shouted, his eyes filled with rage again. „They are evil, slaughterous, bloodthirtsty-"
„Yeah, they look like that," Jim chuckled. Khan turned to him and gave him one of his ‚I'm completely mad and I don't care' smiles.
„They might not look like that, but they are deadly, Captain." He said the last word as if it was an insult and Jim was slowly opening his mouth to cry something awful on Khan when Spock's hand found his and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
„You," Khan turned to Pavel again, „come here."
Chekov swallowed audibly and turned to Hikaru who gave him a smile, even though not a very convincing one. Pavel took two steps forward.
„This," Khan shouted and went to a small cage that had laid on a table beside the door. He took some animal from the cage and brought it to Chekov with caution and placed it into Pavel's hands. Chekov's face lit up when he saw the tiny, cute Russian dwarf hamster on his palm. It tried to get away and it was actually quite quick, but not much so Pavel could easily handle it. He laughed as he stroked the animal's back.
„Eet ees adorable," he squeaked.
„Yes, they look like that. But there are just few things that are worse than a Russian dwarf hamster such as brass music or socks in sandals." Khan glared at everyone and his gaze stopped at Scotty who was shaking with badly hidden anger. He was quite proud of his bagpipes and he thought Khan was trying to insult him. Khan ignored him.
„I'll show you how to overpower an attacker with a Russian dwarf hamster. You, kid," Khan gestured towards Pavel, „try to attack me with the hamster. Come on."
„This is stupid." Hikaru said as he watched his friend cuddling with the animal. „Don't you see that he's young and innocent? And you want him to pretend to attack you."
„He's going to be in need to attack people if he wants to survive!" Khan exclaimed.
„But he won't be forced to injure an innocent animal in the process. Besides, he'll always have me to protect him." Hikaru added in quiet voice and blushed as everyone's eyes set on him.
„That's all very nice and I really love romantic stories, but after I get paid for a job and since we still haven't moved anywhere, I'd appreciate if you told your sweetheart to move his ass so we can all go get some food." Khan snapped and everybody stared at him. This was not how Khan was talking.
„What? I'm just trying to talk like you." He added and frowned at Chekov. „Come on, kid. Let's get this done."
Pavel watched the hamster in his hand with worry and compassion but hesitantly took few steps towards Khan.
„That's an attack, you little girl?!" Khan shouted at Chekov who tried to pretend he wasn't there. „Russia is not what it used to be as it seems."
Upon hearing this, Pavel frowned and raised the hamster into the air above his head and ran towards Khan.
„Do not insult my country!" he managed to shout before Khan took a phaser out of his pocket and shot Chekov who fell helplessly on the ground. Khan changed the settings on the phaser, stunned the hamster and then returned it to the cage.
„What have you done?!" Sulu fell on his knees beside Pavel and checked the Russian was still alive.
„Showed you an effective way how to deal with attacker armed with a Russian dwarf hamster." Khan said as if he hadn't just done what he had done.
„And what shall we do if we are currently not in holding of a phaser?" Spock asked and he looked as uninterested as usual, but everybody could sense he was annoyed. There was something about Khan that seemed to drive Spock insane, at least in his own way.
„Run away as fast as you can,"Khan said, voice low and daring everybody to fight with him.
„I wouldn't know that, Sherlock." Bones said. Jim thought that if sarcasm could kill, Khan would be dead by that time. However, it appeared to be as lethal as the Russian dwarf hamster that was now peacefully eating some grains. „You should teach us how to defend ourselves in case we don't have a phaser, god damnit."
„Very well then. I wanted to keep prairie dogs for later, but you obviously yearn for a challenge, Doctor McCoy." Khan said coldly as he turned to another – somewhat bigger – cage. He was searching for something inside and when he finally appeared again, he was holding a prairie dog in hands.
„Attack me." He gave it to McCoy who was too perplexed to refuse. That was ridiculous. If only for the fact that Khan had got a job from Starfleet – shouldn't he be locked somewhere in prison or something?
„No way." Bones said and held the animal awkwardly.
„Why?" Khan shouted.
„You're gonna shoot me with phaser like you shot Chekov." Bones objected and removed his fingers from the prairie dog's reach as it almost started biting them.
„I promise I won't," Khan said calmly and kicked Sulu slightly. „Get out of here."
Hikaru didn't need to hear that twice. He helped Pavel who had regained consciousness over the time stand up and took him away. That left Khan facing Bones with a hungry prairie dog and Jim, Spock, Uhura, Scotty and Carol watching them.
„So, here I am. Attack me." Khan murmured and it almost sounded like a cat's purr. Bones shrugged and with the rodent under his arm approached Khan. The super-human waited for some time and then he turned around and paralyzed Leonard with a stun gun. Bones fell down and Khan caught the prairie dog before it could run away.
„Len!" Carol squeaked.
„Bones!" Jim shouted and they both moved to help the poor unconscious doctor.
They knelt down and while Carol was making sure Bones was alright, Jim growled at Khan who was staring at him without interest. That drove Kirk insane.
In the meantime, Scotty sat down and began drawing and writing something into a small PADD he had kept in his pocket. Khan didn't notice him at first, but then he spotted him and his eyes shone with a vile sparkle.
„What are you doing? Don't you take this seriously?!" Khan yelled at the Chief Engineer who ignored them and continued counting some equation. „This is a serious business! This can be the difference between life and death!"
„Yer an idiot." Scotty finished making his notes and satisfied, turned to Khan. „I'm an Engineer and I spend most of my time on a starship. There's nobody sneaking on me with any animal aboard the ship and I doubt there's any other planet in the Galaxy that has Russian dwarf hamsters."
„You shall pay for this! I'll show you how deadly a fluffy animal can be." Khan shouted and turned to get another animal when he suddenly tripped over something. He looked down and found out it was a leg of Carol who was holding a freshly awoken Bones in arms.
„You two, get out." He ordered, but Carol frowned.
„No way. I'm not gonna let you think you can do whatever you want to anyone from the Enterprise." She rose to her feet when she made sure Bones was alright. He managed to stand up, but he had to hold her shoulder.
„Unfortunately for you, I'm the instructor here and thus in charge of things. So take your grumpy doctor and leave." Khan ordered and Carol rather took leave with Bones clinging to her body. She was brave, but she wasn't an idiot. And Khan didn't seem to be willing to let her beat him.
„So you, come here." The super-human pointed at Scotty who walked towards him hesitatingly. Khan took out a baby tribble he was hiding in his pocket and gave it to Scotty. The Chief Engineer smiled and stroked the animal's body – he had no idea which part of it.
„I don't get how tribbles are dangerous." Uhura said sceptically and walked to Scotty and caressed the tribble. The Scotsman smiled at her.
„Don't you? Well, this is the best way to find out, Miss Uhura." Khan opened one drawer under the table and took out another, slightly bigger, tribble and gave it to Uhura.
„You two, attack me."
„And you'll stun us. No thanks." Uhura grimaced.
„I won't hurt you." Khan replied calmly.
„You know what? I don't trust you." Scotty said and expressed Uhura's sentiment as well.
„I swear on the lives of my crew that I will not use any weapon or my physical strength to hurt you." Khan said ceremoniously. Uhura thought about that for a while. There was something wrong, she knew it, but she couldn't find it. So she shrugged and nodded at Scotty as they made few steps with the tribbles in hands. One began to make some sound and they both began to melt because of it. And therefore they didn't see ropes that moved towards them until they were tied up.
„You see, I warned you. Tribbles are dangerous. Distracting." Khan released the cuffs with a swift movement and they both were ready to kill him.
„You haven't passed either. Get out." Khan gazed at them and Scotty took Uhura's hand and dragged her out to stop her from further fighting. Khan's course was reduced to Jim and Spock and he had managed that in less than fifteen minutes. Maybe he'll finally have time to watch the TV show Doctor Who.
But Jim and Spock weren't willing to give up. Kirk nodded at the Vulcan who nodded back and they began to move quickly. Before Khan could see what was going on, Spock held him in a nerve pinch and Jim was firing from a phaser at him. It took him some time to change the settings from the level of a Russian dwarf hamster to a super-human, but finally they managed to stun Khan. Jim looked at Spock and grinned. The Vulcan replied with a tiny movement of his lips.
They got the ropes again, tied Khan up and left a message on his PADD.
Tribbles are distracting. Watch your surroundings.
They left and once they were outside, Jim pulled Spock into a hug and kissed him softly. Spock returned the gesture and caught Jim's hand into his own as he led him to their shared room.
„You know, Spock, we're a really great team." Jim said as they walked.
„Indeed," Spock agreed.