After appearing in a school production of the Music Man last year, it was natural to write a parody of it. Here it goes...
A plane was landing at the airport. Onboard was a group of salesmen on a flight to Florida.
"Hey," whispered one man, "did you hear about these shady guys who've been seen around the county fairs?"
"Which county?" asked the other man sitting next to him.
"All of 'em! First some guy's seen scamming some folks at the big one in Texas, then there's another one in some little Illinois town!"
"So what are they doing?" asked the second man.
"They're...tricking them! The details are never that clear, but these guys mean business! They rob everyone of their money!"
"I know who it is!" said an odd-sounding passenger sitting in front of them. "And he doesn't know the territory! First of all, it's just one guy!"
"How could one guy get around so fast?" asked one of the men.
"I know him well...he's a sneaky guy...he's gotten me tons of times!" The third man stood up, revealing himself to be Daffy Duck. "He's Bugs Bunny!"
Everyone laughed.
"Bugs!" called someone. "What the heck would he be doing?"
Daffy looked embarrassed. "I...uh...I don't really know." Everyone laughed some more. "Stop it!" cried the duck. "He's crossed me one too many times! I'm getting even with this rabbit if it kills me!"
One stranger in the back, dressed in a concealing coat (I have no idea how he got on the plane) stood up. "What makes you think you can catch him?"
"I just know I can!" hissed Daddy. "All I have to do is wait for him to screw up! I know he will, I just know it!"
Everyone was getting off at this point. Daffy stopped the stranger. "Hey, I don't think I caught your name."
"I don't think I dropped it."
"That was smooth," admitted Daffy. He suddenly did a double take. "Wait a second...I know who you are!"
Daffy chased the stranger, who was heading into the airport. Suddenly, the stranger put up a sign that said "Duck Season." Instantly, several hunters burst out and chased Daffy away, followed by airport security.
"Darn it!" squawked Daffy.
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About an hour later, the stranger strolled into the Magic Kingdom. Stitch scurried by, chasing Timon.
"Leave me alone!" cried the meercat. "I've gotta get to Animal Kingdom!"
A Cast Member waved to the stranger. "Hi! You're one of the first guests here!"
"Do you always greet people personally?" asked the stranger
The Cast Member lowered her voice. "Only when the supervisors are looking. I hate to say this, but this isn't ALWAYS the most magical job in the world..."
(To the tune of "Iowa Stubborn")
Oh, there's nothing halfway
About the Disney World way to treat you,
Treat you nicely
Even if you're a rude slob
Other Cast Members: 'Cause we're all getting paid
And if we ever cease to smile
Then that costs us cash
Or even lose our job
Whereas inside we feel like thermometers in December
And sometimes we scream in anguish to the sky
Cause guests are so darn whiny
They give us the urge to kill
Or at least to punch them real hard and make them cry...
But what the heck, our problem
We're not blaming you here
Mickey: Just remember please
To not attack the characters
All: You really ought to give Disney World a try
Thurl Singing Bust: Provided you follow the rules
The Hitchhiking Ghosts and Ezra's Cast Member girlfriend, Ariel (not to be confused with the mermaid), were sitting outside the mansion with the bust.
"Hey, Mickey," called Ezra, "did you read our ideas about the Country Bears rehab?"
"I hardly think a gorefeast theme would work!" Mickey called back.
"Hey," shrugged Phineas, "you shamed them enough by making that movie about them..."
Ariel: Whereas inside we feel like thermometers in December
And sometimes we scream in anguish to the sky
Cause guests are so darn whiny
They give us the urge to kill
Or at least to punch them hard and make them cry...
Ariel and Haunted Mansion Cast Members: But we'll all act polite
Because the people who don't are
Dragged off by security and die
Ezra: Hey, lighten up! They're kidding
Phineas: Although they're slightly bitter
Gus: Definitely have some hatred, that there ain't a lie
All: You really ought to give Disney World
Good old Disney World
Pirates, EPCOT, Peter Pan, Hercules,
Haunted Mansion, Fantasmic, Pooh,
Simba
Ought to give Disney World a try!
The stranger stared at the chorus in front of him "Uh...that's nice."
"Thanks," chorused the hundreds of Cast Members, who went back to work.
Ezra floated over. "You may think this is weird, but we're surprisingly spontaneous like that."
"Oh, I'm sure," said the stranger, who walked away.
"There's something about that guy..." said Ariel. "The voice, at least."
"You want us to stalk him or something?" Phineas asked hopefully.
"Maybe...he's heading towards Splash Mountain. Since that whole 'saving the park thing,' Mickey lets me work wherever I want, so I think I'm gonna hang out there for a while."
"Okay..." Ezra said sadly as she walked away.
"Ezra?" said Gus, worried about his friend.
Ezra slumped down. "I'm lonely when she's gone...unless I'm distracted by a free trip to Hong Kong or something."
"Hey!" exclaimed Phineas. "What does that make us!"
"It makes you not Ariel! There's one thing to do! Pose as a furry woodland creature!" Ezra raced off.
"You know," sighed Phineas, "saving him from getting fired is a full-time job. Should we go after him?"
Gus rolled his eyes. "Nah, let's take a break and actually do our job for a change."
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Inside Splash Mountain, the stranger knocked on Brer Rabbit's briar patch door.
Brer Rabbit opened up. "Hello?"
The stranger threw off his coat, revealing a famous cartoon bunny. "What's up, doc?"
"Bugs Bunny!" exclaimed Brer Rabbit. "I haven't seen you in years!"
"Quiet!" said Bugs. "I now go by the name...Harold Hill. But seriously, how's it going? Play any good tricks lately?"
"I managed to get Brer Bear to think he was a woman, but it didn't end well. Don't ask."
"Oh. Uh, moving right along, I've obviously come here for a reason!"
"So it's not to have a drink and reminisce?" Brer Rabbit said disappointedly.
Bugs shook his head. "Far from it. Look, ever since they stopped making my cartoons, I've been bored. So I decided to do what all bored stars do...steal stuff! I've been training on little county fairs, but now it's time to hit the jackpot! Disney World! I want your help! We could rake this park clean!"
Brer Rabbit thought about this. "My morals say no...but my trickster heart says yes!"
"I knew it would!" cried Bugs. "We've gotta get to Main Street! I'll tell you my plan on the way!"
"Okay," Brer Rabbit directed his attention to a passing possum. "How do you do?"
"Fine, how are you?" replied the other critter.
"How you come on?" asked Brer Rabbit.
"Pretty good sure as you're born!" they sang together.
"What was that?" asked Bugs when the possum was gone.
"It's just how we talk around here," explained Brer Rabbit. "You say that to everyone. You'd think it would be tedious, but it's not."
"Well, when in Rome. Can I try on someone?"
"Sure!"
"How do you do?" Bugs asked a female rabbit passing by. She glared at him and left without a word.
"Oh, that's just Marian," assured Brer Rabbit. "She's really..."
"...tight?" guessed Bugs.
"Exactly."
Ariel walked in just after they left. "Dang it! Did I miss them?"
Ezra walked by, disguised as Mr. Bluebird. "I think so! ...I mean, chip."
If feel kind of bad for leaving out the song "Rock Island," especially after how hard the guys who sang it in the play worked, but I never really cared for the song (in fact, it was the closest thing to rap back then), and felt I could do better without it. "Iowa Stubborn" (or rather "Disney World Stubborn") makes a better opener in my opinion.