I do not own any of the internet personalities or memes presented in this story.
The Internet Police: Year in Review
Resolutions, Part 1
New Year's Eve marks the beginning of a new year. It is a celebration that involves fireworks, cocktails, various noisemakers, and confetti. At the stroke of midnight, the dawn of a new year would begin. The importance of New Year's Eve would be elevated if the transition between old and new happened between decades or centuries, with a new era unfolding by midnight. There were various places to celebrate the transition of time, from New York City's Times Square to London's Clock Tower. But nowhere else was the passage of time celebrated more appropriately than the city of Vienna. As the capital of Austria, Vienna was a city familiar with the ravages of changing times as it was the governing city of the Holy Roman Empire, the center of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the epicenter of classical music, and the birthplace of psychoanalysis and the waltz. As a new year was approaching in Vienna, the Viennese knew that their beloved city has been through several years that tested its very existence, from Napoleon's occupation of Vienna in 1805 to the end of the Austro-Hungarian Empire in 1918. Through all these difficult years, Vienna managed to survive and even thrive. So the Viennese were confident that the upcoming year would pose no substantial problems for them, with the city anticipating the New Year with classical and modern music. However, there was a threat to Vienna's survival that might be greater than that of Napoleon and the Allies of World War I: social justice warriors. And the only thing standing between these social justice warriors and Vienna was the Internet Police, an organization dedicated to neutralizing threats originating from the internet. And within the Hofburg Palace, a New Year's Eve ball and a plot to destroy Vienna's legacy was underway. It would be up to three Internet Police agents to stop these social justice warriors from ruining Vienna. They were called the Nostalgia Critic, the Angry Video Game Nerd, and HurricaneAubrey.
"So from what we gathered, these social justice warriors are led by a woman by the name of College Liberal," said the Critic dressed in a tuxedo as he danced with HurricaneAubrey.
"I thought College Liberal was a man," said HurricaneAubrey dressed in an evening dress. "Is it offensive for me to call College Liberal an it?"
"No. And it shouldn't matter because College Liberal is definitely a woman, and right now, she has her army of social justice warriors called the Weathervanes stationed throughout Vienna to make sure that nobody interferes with the bombing of an iconic Viennese landmark," answered the Critic as he led HurricaneAubrey across the ballroom floor.
"The only question is which one. There are dozens of Viennese sites that could hold a bomb, and from what I gathered, the bomb will fire several words into the air heralding College Liberal's message that Vienna is a political incorrect city and deserves to be destroyed. Just imagine the propaganda victory that would ensure if College Liberal managed to obliterate a Vienna landmark in such a spectacular fashion," said HurricaneAubrey as she glided with the Critic along the ballroom floor.
To the tune of Johann Strauss' On the Beautiful Blue Danube, HurricaneAubrey and the Critic searched the ballroom for anyone who could be a Weathervane member.
"Where is the Nerd right now?" asked HurricaneAubrey to the Critic.
The Critic quickly pressed his hand into his earpiece.
"Where are you now, Nerd?" questioned the Critic.
"I'm on the subway heading to the Schönbrunn Palace, and right now, the Viennese are heralding the New Year by what they do best: singing, dancing, and drinking," said the Nerd. "I'm taking public transportation because the streets and roads are crowded as fuck with party revelers."
"Please hurry. We only have thirty minutes till midnight when the bomb goes off," said the Critic. "At the stroke of midnight, the Weathervanes will bring forth a new era of PC madness if we fail our mission."
"Got it," said the Nerd.
As Vienna continued its waltz towards midnight, the Critic and HurricaneAubrey were desperately searching for a Weathervane amongst the men dancing with their female companion.
"Are you sure a Weathervane is here at the Hofburg Palace?" asked HurricaneAubrey.
"I'm sure of it. We're not looking hard enough," said the Critic. "Look for any distinctive markings or body language that would give a Weathervane away."
For many, ballroom dancing was nerve-racking as it involves maintaining constant movement and precise motions, and when one pair was concerned with foiling a plot to detonate a bomb in Vienna, the act of dancing would become unbearable. It was miracle that HurricaneAubrey and the Critic kept their composure as they scanned for their suspect within the ballroom.
"All of the dancers have the same tuxedos and gowns as the Critic and I respectively. And the faces have the same smiles and state of confidence," thought HurricaneAubrey. "And we're running out of time."
"Any ideas?" asked the Critic.
Throughout the internet, it is customary to list your life story to the world no matter how personal it would be, whether the website you were dictating your memoirs would be on a social media website, a vlog webpage, or an instant messaging site. If one were to learn about the relationship between the Critic and HurricaneAubrey online (though the two of them were smart enough to not post such information publicly), it would be best described as close after a rough start. Their close relationship was forged over the tribulations and turmoil of their early lives before and during their time as Internet Police agents. For the Critic, he had a rough childhood being the rebellious son of a military father who disapproved of his son's love of filmmaking and nerdy hobbies, and after wandering the uncharted world of the internet since his father disowned him, he eventually became an Internet Police agent as an apprentice of the Angry Video Game Nerd. Through further struggles and hardships, he soon rose to the ranks of being one of the best Internet Police agents in its entire history. Whether it was by fate or pure circumstance, HurricaneAubrey would cross paths with the Critic and become his personal apprentice. Even though she had a much easier childhood than the Critic, her adult life was less successful. While the Critic was extremely famous for being one of the forefathers of internet criticism and reviewing, HurricaneAubrey only claim to fame was posting a video entitled 51 Things I Found Around My House. After struggling through several temporary and meaningless jobs, HurricaneAubrey made it as an Internet Police agent to the reluctance of the Critic and to a smaller extent the Nerd. In typical fashion, it was the Critic who mostly dismissed HurricaneAubrey as a little girl naïve about the state of the world and who consumed her own generation's vapid popular culture while HurricaneAubrey insisted that she was ready with what real life had in store for her. They were both partially correct. The Critic underestimated HurricaneAubrey's vast knowledge of art and culture as well as her interest in the same popular media as the Critic. On the other hand, HurricaneAubrey severely failed to grasp how brutal and cruel the real world was, and that the internet was a reflection of reality in the form of hate speech and falsehoods. No more was this harsh reality more apparent than in the Great Schism of America where the initial distrust and enmity between the Critic and HurricaneAubrey took place on a massive scale between several generational congregations, with self-proclaimed Emperor of the Internet George Zazz being the catalyst behind the carnage. Happily, the Critic and HurricaneAubrey overcame their generational angst and put an end to the Great Schism with the Nerd's help, and despite or maybe because of the Great Schism, the Critic and HurricaneAubrey now respected each other as fellow Internet Police agents. Thus, the Critic was more open to HurricaneAubrey's decisions and judgments, such as asking her how to find some Weathervane members before the stroke of midnight. But still, she gave him a crazy idea.
"I'll tempt fate in my favor," spoke HurricaneAubrey.
"What?" questioned the Critic looking puzzled.
"It will take a miracle to find the Weathervane member," said HurricaneAubrey.
Right on cue, a miracle happened as HurricaneAubrey accidentally danced away from the Critic and found herself dancing with another woman. Even stranger, HurricaneAubrey recognized this woman as her little sister Allison.
"Hi big sis. Long time no see," said Allison looking elegant in her evening gown.
"Hello," said HurricaneAubrey simply with tears of joy.
HurricaneAubrey randomly meeting Allison again after her little sister's self-exile after the Great Schism was a miracle in of itself. But the real miracle came when a loud, inelegant outburst came from one of the dancers.
"Oh yeah! We need more girl on girl action in this city of old, white men," said a man putting on his hipster glasses to get a better view of HurricaneAubrey and Allison holding hands. "You go girls! We need to rid Vienna of the misogynistic, racist culture that I'm obvious not a part of."
The entire ballroom stared at the hipster man who declared Vienna to be a backwards cesspool. Realizing that he had blown his cover, the Weathervane man ran from the ballroom.
"After him!" shouted the Critic to HurricaneAubrey.
The two Internet Police agents chased the Weathervane man through the exquisite halls of the Hofburg Palace. They eventually cornered him at the seating of the Hofburg's Winter Riding School, where the Lipizzan horses of the Spanish Riding School performed. In desperation, the Weathervane man leaped down to the stage where the Lipizzan horses were being tended by their handlers. He pushed one of the handlers out of the way.
"I'm stealing your horse to destroy this city. For my name is Bruno, and I want to eradicate Vienna from the face of the earth," said the Weathervane hipster as he climbed onto a Lipizzan horse and galloped out onto the streets of Vienna.
"We're here to save your city!" shouted HurricaneAubrey as she leapt onto a horse.
"And we need to borrow your horse," said the Critic as he climbed onto the same horse.
With little time left before the bomb went off, HurricaneAubrey, with the Critic behind her, rode the horse after Bruno. In the streets of Vienna, the partying Viennese youth and elders saw two horses go past them.
"Why do you want to blow up Vienna?!" yelled HurricaneAubrey.
"Because fuck Vienna and all of its sexist citizens!" shouted Bruno to the crowd.
In his foolishness, Bruno saw that the partygoers were looking at him with rage.
"What's wrong with Vienna!" shouted the Critic to the cheers of the Austrians.
With Bruno showing his ugly feelings towards the locals, it became much harder for him to avoid being pulled from his horse by an angry mob.
"You sexist pigs!" shouted Bruno. "You want to worship woman-haters like Beethoven and Mozart."
"Why do you assume both men were sexist?" asked HurricaneAubrey.
"Because their music is sexist," answered Bruno.
"Why?" questioned HurricaneAubrey.
"Because they lived in a time that repressed women," said Bruno.
"Any proof that they themselves were chauvinistic pigs?" asked HurricaneAubrey as she continued chasing Bruno on horseback.
Bruno didn't anticipate being challenged to an intelligent debate involving sexism, especially while riding on horseback. Not having done much intellectual planning, Bruno blurted out whatever would allow him to win.
"The crescendos from Beethoven and Mozart's music represent a man taking advantage of a woman and the decrescendos is evocative of a man feeling satisfied with what he done to the woman," said Bruno.
"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard," commented the Critic. "And that's after I was told that vaccines allegedly caused autism. Let's get him HurricaneAubrey."
HurricaneAubrey wasn't going to let Bruno's mudslinging go unnoticed, and with much pleasure, she propelled her horse forward, and with one giant leap from her horse, she tackled Bruno onto the ground.
"Now where is the bomb?!" shouted HurricaneAubrey.
Bruno took out a knife with a black handle and tried slashing at HurricaneAubrey. Fortunately, HurricaneAubrey was quick enough to dodge it.
"Stay back," said Bruno brandishing his knife to HurricaneAubrey and her Austrian allies. "I will kill all of you, and there is nothing you can do to stop me."
HurricaneAubrey look to the Critic for assistance. The Critic gave her a wink and marched confidently forward towards Bruno.
"You racist prick," said the Critic.
"I'm racist?! How can I be when I'm blowing up an Austrian landmark built by the white oppressors?!" yelled Bruno.
"Because your knife has a black handle on it. You're implying that Africans are naturally prone to violence, and since you want to kill all of us with a knife with a black handle, you are saying that Africans are only good at murdering," said the Critic. "So do you want to label Africans as murderous thugs by the color of your weapon? Why not use your Caucasian fists to do the job?"
Bruno saw the weapon he was holding, and convinced by the Critic's argument, he promptly dropped the knife and started to attack the two Internet Police agents and their Austrian friends with his white hands. He was easily defeated and forced onto the ground.
"Now tell us where the bomb is?" asked HurricaneAubrey.
"Alright I'll tell you. It's at St. Stephen's Cathedral," answered Bruno as he was being held to the ground by the Austrian crowd.
"Of course. Right in the heart of Vienna. The bull's-eye for the Weathervanes' agenda," stated the Critic as he tapped his earpiece. "Nerd. The bomb is at St. Stephen's Cathedral."
"How much time do we have left?" asked the Nerd.
The Critic looked to the many television screens displaying the countdown to midnight. HurricaneAubrey saw that it was 11:45 p.m.
"We have fifteen minutes left," responded the Critic.
"I think I can make it with a few minutes to spare," said the Nerd. "Can you make it?"
"Yes," said the Critic as he turned to face HurricaneAubrey. "Let's get going HurricaneAubrey."
HurricaneAubrey was about to get onto the horse, only to realize that the horses had fled, probably to escape the confrontation between Bruno and the two Internet Police agents.
"We're running to St. Stephen's Cathedral," said HurricaneAubrey to the Critic. She then turned to the Viennese holding down Bruno. "Keep him down until we get back."
With little time to spare, the two Internet Police agents ran towards St. Stephen's Cathedral. Unfortunately, their pursuit of Bruno on horseback had placed quite a distance between them and the cathedral. After running for what seemed like an eternity, the Critic and HurricaneAubrey stopped to catch their breaths.
"We're not going to make it. No matter how fast we run," said the Critic.
"We have St. Stephen's Cathedral within our sights," said HurricaneAubrey as she was panting heavily. "Ask the Nerd how far is he."
The Critic called the Nerd through his earpiece as he saw that there was two minutes left till midnight as displayed on large television screens.
"Nerd. Are you close to St. Stephen's Cathedral?" asked the Critic.
"I'm literally disarming the white-colored bomb right now," said the Nerd. "I think I'm cutting the right wires."
"Good," said the Critic as he heard static in his earpiece. "Just remember to cut the white wires."
"What was that?" asked the Nerd.
"Don't cut any of the colored wires," shouted the Critic.
"What?!" yelled the Nerd. "I'm losing you."
"Cut the white wires and leave the colored wires alone!" shouted the Critic as his earpiece was failing. "Hello? Hello?"
The Critic tried in vain to regain the connection with the Nerd. HurricaneAubrey watched as thirty seconds was left until midnight. Off in the distance, they saw the majesty of St. Stephen's Cathedral, and they didn't want to think about it being blown to pieces, with the Nerd suffering the same fate. But that nightmare would become a reality as midnight approached.
"Zehn, neun, acht, sieben, sechs, fünf, vier, drei, zwei, eins, null!" shouted the Viennese population counting down to the New Year.
HurricaneAubrey and the Critic closed their eyes and fell to the ground hoping for the best. Using their ears as reference, they heard several loud explosions. The Critic and HurricaneAubrey held each other's hand as they got up. The Critic opened his eyes expecting to see St. Stephen's Cathedral reduced to rubble and fireworks proclaiming the glory of the Weathervanes looming over the ashes.
"What do you see?" asked HurricaneAubrey in fear.
"I see fireworks spelling out several words," responded the Critic.
HurricaneAubrey was about to cry when the Critic clarified his initial statement.
"They say 'Have a Happy New Year, Vienna,'" announced the Critic, with his ability to translate German deriving from his German heritage and being a child to a military father.
HurricaneAubrey opened her eyes and saw fireworks over the fully intact St. Stephen's Cathedral.
"Do you copy Critic? I have successfully disarmed the bomb," said the Nerd with joy.
"How did you do it?" asked the Critic cheerfully. "I didn't think you picked up my advice."
"Using my common sense, something these Weathervanes lack," replied the Nerd. "I think I'll dispose this bomb and wish you, HurricaneAubrey, and all of Vienna a Happy New Year."
"Happy New Year Nerd," said the Critic.
The Critic turned to HurricaneAubrey and promptly hugged her.
"Happy New Year HurricaneAubrey," said the Critic as fireworks and music heralded the New Year.
"Happy New Year Nostalgia Critic," responded HurricaneAubrey as celebrating Austrians ran around them.
At the Café Sacher in the days after New Year's Eve, the three Internet Police agents and Allison were enjoying coffee and slices of Sachertorte, a chocolate cake with an apricot filling. Within this restaurant recalling the bygone days of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, Allison was recalling her pilgrimage through the Alps to the three Internet Police agents.
"During my travels, I saw picturesque villages of people living simply off the land as they have for centuries. The people were friendly and humble when I asked them if I could stay with them for free provided I perform some labor for them," said Allison. "After a couple of days of doing work like selling farm merchandise and being a waitress in the local restaurants, I told these local Alpine residents that I was an American seeking refuge and enlightenment in these mountains."
"And how did these locals react when you told them you were an American?" asked HurricaneAubrey as she placed a slice of Sachertorte into her mouth with a fork. "Did they react with hostility that you were forced to move elsewhere?"
"Don't be so negative, big sis. More often than not, they welcomed me with open arms regardless of my nationality, and treated me as a member of their family," said Allison.
"It must be hard to keep moving when you grown attached to these households in the Alps," said the Critic as he drank a cup of coffee.
"I know. But I needed to find out more about why the Great Schism happened in America, and the best way to do it is to research here where western civilization thrived," said Allison.
"And what did you find out exactly from your weeks of trekking through the Alps?" asked the Nerd.
"I found out that Europeans are just like us. Americans and Europeans share the same fears and anxieties. For example, I was staying with a family whose parents were traditionalist wanting to live a simple life on the farm. On the other hand, their children sought a fast-paced life in the modern cities, and as a result, I had to endure countless arguments between the parents and children at the dinner table. Compounded by a difference in musical tastes, I realized that there was a generational gap happening at this residence, a microcosm of a greater conflict within today's nation-states," replied Allison.
Allison was nervously slicing her Sachertorte into tiny pieces as the three Internet Police agents looked on with concern. They all knew how traumatized Allison was by her experience on Utopia Island, and it was because of generational disputes in America that led to her imprisonment on the island.
"So are you planning to return to America and reunite with your big sister in Boston?" asked HurricaneAubrey hopefully.
"No. I intend of making my presence known in the cities," said Allison with a sad smile. "For the past few months, I have gained familiarity with the wooden buildings, the breathtaking mountains, and the natural beauty of the Alps. I could see why 19th century Romantics found inspiration in the Alps' vistas. However, I now believe the time is right for me to venture back into the cities and return to the world of the internet. Just not back in America."
HurricaneAubrey gave a look of disappointment as she wiped her mouth with a napkin.
"And do you remember what I said to you back in Chicago about being a part of the internet?" questioned the Critic.
"Someone is bound to hate you on the internet," answered Allison.
"Exactly," said the Critic. "And what cities are you planning to travel to?"
"Well I'm in Vienna right now, so I'm off to a good start. From there, I expect to travel to cities like Milan, Venice, and Salzburg. I know these cities are outside the Alps, but they are close enough for me to find out more about myself and the world at large," said Allison. And I will be posting my travels on the internet for the world to see, fully aware that I will get a lot of criticism for my research against George Zazz."
"I think your examination of European cities is a brilliant idea," said the Nerd. "I take it you're not intimidated by the sites where classical music and art flourished considering how George Zazz condemned you for not appreciating them enough."
"I'm not afraid. I just need to find out why the classics led to the Great Schism of America," said Allison. "I still occasionally practice my violin when I'm called to be the backup music for the yodelers and accordions at the Alpine towns."
"I'm glad you're still in love with the classics despite all that had happened to you unlike some people," said HurricaneAubrey with relief.
"What people?" asked Allison.
The Nerd and the Critic gave HurricaneAubrey a warning look. HurricaneAubrey was obviously referring to her apprentice who had no artistic merits and was an absolute rebel. Afraid that she might inadvertently reveal the Internet Police's existence to her sister, the Critic decided to intervene.
"How about we spend some time together in Vienna's museums like the Kunsthistorisches Museum before the three of us return to Boston?" suggested the Critic.
HurricaneAubrey smiled at this thought, and soon, the four of them began discussing the various museums they wanted to visit.
"We should visit the Haus der Musik considering my musical talents. Just recently, I began practicing Antonio Vivaldi's The Four Seasons starting with Winter. All three of you should see me perform it on my violin at my hotel room," said Allison.
Vienna has been nicknamed the City of Music and Dreams. But it could also be called the City of Spies. Ever since the Cold War, the city has been the silent battleground between spies from rival nations, the most notable between American and Soviet spies. Though the espionage environment had quieted down with the end of the Cold War, there were still spies within its boundaries seeking information about their enemies. Of course, even the best spies miss crucial insight regarding their missions, and in the case of a middle-aged man and his younger female companion who were both American expatriates, they missed the fact that their four worst enemies were eating at the same restaurant that they were currently occupying. As the Critic, the Nerd, HurricaneAubrey, and Allison were enjoying their meals while discussing their Viennese itinerary, the older man and younger woman were lamenting the downfall of western civilization as they drank coffee a few tables away.
"Why have a civilization if we're no longer interested in being civilized?" said the older man.
"I know. And it is especially the Americans who are no longer interested in being civilized. What happened to the days when Americans went to European cities and were admired by Europeans for their ingenuity and civility? I remember how Americans like Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson were welcomed by Europeans with open arms," said the younger woman.
"I can recall how the Americans saved the British and French from being slaughtered in the trenches by the Central Powers during World War I," said the older man with a sad smile.
"What about when Europeans were accepting of good old American jazz and the classical movies of the Golden Age of Hollywood?" said the younger woman. "Unlike the cinematic and musical crap we have today."
"Do you remember how the Parisians cheered for the American soldiers when they liberated their city from the Nazis in 1944?" said the older man with a tinge of sorrow.
The older man and younger woman sipped coffee as they organized their thoughts on the perception of Americans today.
"Nowadays, we have drunk Americans puking in the streets of Europe. When they see works of art like Michelangelo's David, they just pose suggestively in front of it. Don't these fucking Yanks have any sense of decency nowadays," commented the younger woman.
"And don't get me started on how these dumbasses in their Hawaiian shirts harass Europeans for not speaking English and for having stuffy museums instead of their so-called entertainment of trashy internet reviews and vlogs," said the older man.
"We could have stopped all of this if it wasn't for those three individuals who ruined everything for everyone," lamented the younger woman as she was cutting fiercely into her Sachertorte with a knife and fork. "If I ever find the Nostalgia Critic, the Angry Video Game Nerd, and HurricaneAubrey, I swear that I will slit their throats and hang their bodies from the Eiffel Tower as a peace offering to our European brothers and sisters."
The older man saw that his female friend wasn't so much slicing her Sachertorte than hacking away from it. By the time she was done, the Sachertorte was pretty much atomized.
"You're absolutely right. The Critic, HurricaneAubrey, and the Nerd stopped the coming of the Third Rome," said the older man.
"The Third Rome?" asked the bewildered younger woman.
"The Third Rome that was the United States of America," said the older man.
"Care to elaborate what you mean?" questioned the younger woman.
"Gladly. You see. We all know about the original Roman civilization established by Romulus and Remus on the seven hills, and how the Romans were the inheritors of the enlightened philosophies of the ancient Greeks, the founders of western civilization. It would seem redundant to ask you about what the Romans contributed to our world considering you're not as brain-dead as many people of your generation," said the older man.
"Oh the Romans didn't give us anything useful. Besides the calendar, the Latin alphabet, highways, and architectural styles and designs that lasted the test of time," said the younger woman with a smile.
The older man chuckled as he continued describing the First Rome.
"The Roman Empire was a marvel to behold. But sadly, Rome fell because of its citizens no longer being interested in being civilized, and as a result, the barbarians came and destroyed the center of western civilization. That was when the First Rome ended and the Second Rome began in the form of the Byzantine Empire ruled from the city of Constantinople," said the older man.
The younger woman sighed passionately at the older man as he explained the rise of the Second Rome.
"The height of the Second Rome was undoubtedly during the reign of Emperor Justinian I. He oversaw the construction of the Hagia Sophia, the greatest church in medieval Christendom, and attempted to conquer the old Roman lands from the barbarians. It helped that he had the beautiful and intelligent Theodora besides his side as his empress. An equal partner to the Byzantine Emperor, Theodora helped Justinian during his most difficult times, such as persuading him to use brute force against the uncivilized mobs during the Nika riots."
"A strong man always needs a strong woman supporting him," said the younger woman as she gazed lovingly at the older man.
"Yet again, the Byzantines were also not interested in being civilized as they were conquered by the Ottomans. Without the Second Rome led by the Byzantines, the Ottoman savages pushed their way deep into Europe. The Ottomans were eventually stopped at the gates of the very city we are currently enjoying our coffee and Sachertorte, but the damage was done as the Second Rome faded into the dustbin of history," said the older man.
The older man and younger woman failed to notice several people leaving the café, one group being two men and two women excitedly talking about visiting the Kunsthistorisches museum.
"Since the Fall of Constantinople, the title of the Third Rome has been disputed. The Russians claim that Moscow and the Russian Empire was the Third Rome by way of Byzantine royalty marrying into the Russian aristocracy. Of course, many other nations claimed the title of the Third Rome: the Holy Roman Empire, the First French Empire, Fascist Italy, and Nazi Germany. I, on the other hand, considered the United States of America to have been a serious contender to being the Third Rome. Think about it. America was first ruled as a kingdom through being controlled by the United Kingdom of Great Britain during colonial times. Then after the Revolution, the United States became a republic with elected representatives like the Roman Republic," explained the older man.
"I thought America was still a republic considering how the retarded American public keeps electing the same dumbasses to high-ranking government positions," commented the younger woman.
"In my opinion, today's America is a republic in name only. The modern American President can be considered a de facto Emperor by the amount of power he yields. In truth, the U.S. government is really controlled by the President and his cronies in the legislative and judicial branches. So overall, America today is an empire like the Roman and Byzantine Empire," said the older man. "But since Americans are no longer interested in being civilized, they have relinquished the title of the Third Rome. It seems as if western civilization has died out and only savagery is left in the world."
The younger woman saw the sadness in the man's posture as he rambled on about the tragic fate of the West.
"We both escaped from the American cesspool to Europe to relish in the last vestiges of civility, and I have formally disowned my wife and daughter for their acceptance of the new world created by those fucking three Internet Police agents. But even here in Europe, the Americans have spread their plague of barbarism through encouraging public nudity and experimental drugs. You know what fuck this. Western Civilization is dead. I might as well have fucking killed myself with a pistol back in America considering the state of affairs," said the older man.
The older man was about to drink his coffee as a final toast to the West when it was knocked out of his hand by the younger woman. Disregarding the sounds of the cup breaking on the floor, the younger woman stood and began her own lecture.
"Do you remember what I said to you in Virginia after you killed that spoiled cunt? I said there were so many more targets to kill that led to the fucking sad state of America. We killed a whole lot of people even before we were recruited by George Zazz to round up and exterminate the idiotic Plebeians. Do you remember how fun it was before we were stopped by those three renegade Internet Police agents and their gullible friends?"
"Yeah," said the older man happily. "But what's your point?"
"My point is that we can continue the defense of Western civilization by being the inheritors of the Third Rome after the death of America and George Zazz. And you can be the Emperor of the Third Rome."
"Me?" questioned the older man.
"No. Alice Cooper. Yes you! And I can be your Empress at your side. Together we can be a power couple dedicated to bringing forth the Third Rome. We will be like Justinian and Theodora, Napoleon and Josephine, and Bonnie and Clyde," said the younger woman. "And I have just the right people to help us."
As a former American military soldier, the older man felt that he had lost his former strength and discipline when came home from the Middle East. Returning as a hero, he was rewarded with a bratty daughter, a push-over wife, and a cubicle job as an insurance salesman in Syracuse, New York. It was because of the younger woman that he regained his confidence and sense of meaning when she convinced him to kill those who destroyed America and western civilization. Here she was again encouraging him to make something of himself in a world devoid of courtesy.
"So my late New Year's Resolution will be to become the Emperor of the Third Rome and to make you my Empress besides my side," said the older man.
"Well said," said the younger woman.
Before departing from the café, the older man leaned towards the younger woman and whispered the following message.
"You are a pretty girl," whispered the older man to the younger woman.
"Thanks for being so frank," whispered the younger woman back to the older man.
Vienna was called the hub of classical music and psychoanalysis. Boston, Massachusetts, was the Hub of the Universe. Also known as the Athens of America and the City on a Hill, Boston was instrumental in the American experiment of democracy and free-thinking. Being one of the few American cities undamaged in the Great Schism, the Internet Police moved their headquarters from Chicago, abandoned after the final battle against George Zazz, to Boston. It was in the snow-covered Boston Public Garden adjacent of Boston Common that the Critic and the Nerd were sitting on a bench and reviewing HurricaneAubrey's complaints about her apprentice on their Electronic Databases, or E.D.s
"I took her to visit the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library & Museum to explore the complex legacy of a man who defined an entire generation in the 1960s. When I showed her the exhibit showcasing Kennedy's iconic speeches, she was busy texting on her portable device to her friends. I glanced over and saw that the screen had the text #BoringOldNews," said the Nerd as he read HurricaneAubrey's statement.
"Devastated by this, I decided to take her to Boston's Museum of Fine Arts to get her to appreciate the artistic masters. After making our way past the military soldiers guarding the entrance from people like the Weathervanes, we saw the finest collection of French Impressionist works outside of France and their American counterparts. As I was staring in awe at portraits made by Élisabeth Vigée-Lebrun, I asked my apprentice for her opinion, and she replied with this. 'Burn this whole building down'," spoke the Critic as he read HurricaneAubrey's complaint.
The Critic and the Nerd switched off their E.D.s, thinking about what HurricaneAubrey said about her apprentice.
"She is going to meet us for a much-needed break from our establishment of the defenses against the Weathervane's planned attack on the Mall of America in Minnesota," said the Critic.
"Are you sure it was a good idea to place HurricaneAubrey's apprentice in charge of catching the Weathervanes off guard at the Mall of America? I'm not sure she's ready for a solo mission," commented the Nerd.
"I just want to eradicate HurricaneAubrey's hatred and distrust of her. And besides, HurricaneAubrey's apprentice led the way in defending the San Diego Comic-Con from the Patrician army led by Henry Zazz, George's son. I'm sure she is capable of fighting for the Internet Police's cause," said the Critic.
"I don't doubt her fighting skills. It's her loyalties that I'm questioning," said the Nerd.
"I trust that she will come around to our cause," said the Critic.
The Critic and the Nerd were going to take HurricaneAubrey to a public movie screening of the original 1985 Back to the Future movie at the Boston Public Library.
"I heard that the Back to the Future reboot is available for home viewing after bombing at the box office," said the Nerd. "Thankfully, it bombed because I refuse to see that unnecessary cash grab."
"I saw it, and for being a reboot of one of the most beloved movies of all time, it was decent," said the Critic.
"Really? Because from what I heard, everyone thought it was crap. When the first trailers came out with unfunny jokes and alleged racism, everybody already knew that the Back to the Future reboot was going to suck," said the Nerd.
"It doesn't completely suck. It had a lot of good elements in it. I thought the action scenes were an improvement over the original, with an intense flying car chase scene through the skies of Hill Valley being the highlight of the reboot. I also liked how the reboot allowed the DeLorean to move through space instead of just through time, allowing us to see different time periods around the world rather than just sticking to Hill Valley," stated the Critic.
"But what about the obvious pandering to the female demographic by turning the characters of Marty McFly and Doc Brown into women," said the Nerd. "And don't you say that I'm a chauvinistic pig because the feminists already want my head after I made the statement of not watching the reboot at all."
"I'm sure that little girls will see role models in the female versions of Marty McFly and Doc Brown," said the Critic twitching his fingers nervously.
"But I'm sure the movie still sucked. I'm sure a good sequel to the Back to the Future movies could have been made after all this time, but after constant delays and false starts, the best Hollywood could come up with is a reboot that, judging by the trailers, is filled with a bunch of queef jokes, jokes at the expense of minorities in different geographical timelines, and good old fashioned male bashing," said the Nerd.
"Oh I'm sure you're exaggerating all of this considering I saw the reboot and you didn't," said the Critic.
"I refuse to see it on the principle of not giving Hollywood any of my money that would give them justification of making even more disgusting remakes. The Back to the Future remake is the result of when a constipated Hollywood took an ex lax and shitted out the nastiest fucking shit you ever saw. In the end, I'm not going to be a sucker and watch the Back to the Future reboot. Instead, I'm going to watch the original and classic Back to the Future starring Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd."
The Nerd left the bench to meet with HurricaneAubrey as she looked excited to seeing the original Back to the Future.
"What is your opinion of the Back to the Future reboot?" asked the Nerd to HurricaneAubrey.
"To put it elegantly in your own language, it sucked," said HurricaneAubrey.
"Wise choice of words," said the Nerd as he smugly looked back at the Critic.
As night fell upon Boston, the three Internet Police agents were given the opportunity to watch the original Back to the Future at the Boston Public Library and relax from their current mission of stopping the Weathervanes from causing havoc in America. After stopping their plan to blow up St. Stephen's Cathedral in Vienna, the Weathervanes were short of funding as their contributors grew reluctant to donate more money to failed missions. As the three Internet Police agents previously discussed with each other, the Weathervanes wanted to attack the Mall of America as a way of regaining the trust of their investors in their social justice causes, with one of their pet projects being to stop an epidemic that only affected men: manspreading. As the three Internet Police agents watched the scene where Marty McFly was describing to Doc Brown that he was from the future time of 1985 and that Ronald Reagan would become President of the United States, they wondered how Marty McFly and Doc Brown would perceive the America they created after the Great Schism. The Critic and the Nerd were unable to get their minds off the mess they inherited and partially caused. HurricaneAubrey appeared to be more successful in masking her worries about being an Internet Police agent as she was thoroughly enjoying the film. In the end, the Critic and Nerd flashed back to a time after the end of the Great Schism when they were terrorizing the town of Crawford, Texas for all the right reasons.
"Help me! I'm being tied to railroad tracks by these two bandits!" screamed an overly hysterical woman as she was being held down by mustache twirling outlaws known as the Nostalgia Critic and the Angry Video Game Nerd.
"Quiet woman!" shouted the Critic. "Nobody's here to save you."
"It's not as if there are two dashing cowboys in shining boots who will save you now," said the Nerd.
Off in the distance of the rising sun, two cowboys were riding on horses of a different breed: wooden broomsticks with horse heads. And the names of the two cowboys were RowdyC of TV Trash fame and Brian Collins. These two native Texans, adorned with stereotypical Wild West costumes, were running to save the damsel in distress from two mustached crooks.
"Alright. Give it all you got," said RowdyC with a confident smile.
"Boom goes the dynamite!" shouted Brian with conviction.
The two Texans threw their ropes at the Critic and Nerd, hoping to lasso them and free the hysterical woman tied to railroad tracks. Ninety nine percent of people who saw the sight of two grown men riding on horses made of broomsticks would be so flummoxed at the spectacle that they would not have been prepared to being thoroughly defeated by RowdyC and Brian. But the Critic and Nerd were a part of the one percent of people prepared for the unpredictable, and as a result, the Nerd and Critic dodged the ropes, immediately pulling on them to bring the two Texas cowboys to the ground.
"You won't get away with this you sons of a gun!" shouted RowdyC as he was being tied with the rope intended for the Critic and Nerd.
"Boom doesn't go the dynamite!" yelled Brian as he was being tied as well.
With their mission complete, the Critic and Nerd untied the woman on the railroad tracks.
"Thanks for helping us catch these two misguided individuals who have been causing havoc throughout Texas by their cowboy antics," said the Critic to the woman.
"My pleasure. Just make sure you set these two boys straight and not have them damage any more property and endanger more lives," said the woman as she departed back to her normal life.
After much tedious arguing and pointless name-calling, the two Internet Police agents finally convinced RowdyC and Brian to have a productive conversation within a tourist shop filled with merchandising related to George W. Bush. Brian remained silent as he blankly stared at iconic images of George W. Bush's presidency, ranging from speaking from the wreckage of the World Trade Center to giving a victory speech with the banner Mission Accomplished behind him. As Brian moved on towards looking at bobble heads of George W. Bush and a myriad of American and Texas flags, RowdyC was preoccupied with arguing with the Critic and Nerd about the state of his life after the Great Schism.
"Look. I know that Emperor George wasn't a saint, and I was appalled in realizing the true nature of his rehabilitation facilities on Utopia Island and the Island of the Misfits. I was also against his changed policy of performing actual killings on the Plebeian population, which I tried to prevent by stating that this would backfire spectacularly on the Patricians. But I still stand by beliefs that life has gotten worse since people like you stopped Emperor George and allowed the proliferation of garbage in movies and television," spoke RowdyC to the Critic and Nerd.
"Does that excuse you and your friend to dress up like cowboys and create pandemonium throughout Texas?" asked the Critic.
"Let us list the ways you and your cowboy buddy disrupted daily life in Texas: lassoing people in cow costumes, chasing out Mexicans from the Alamo in San Antonio, smashing mall windows in a misguided attempt to lure people to the great outdoors, stealing cattle from ranchers you mistakenly thought were rustlers, attempting to pull down oil derricks, and robbing banks you thought were owned by robber barons" said the Nerd. "I must how does this relate to the spread of supposedly crappy films and television shows."
"Because today's world is fraked up right now. Right now, I'm trying to return the world back to its pre-corrupt state. As native Texans, Brian and I believe that the Wild West of cool cowboys and free, pristine landscape is the best time period to revert back to. But if you're so closed-minded to not accept our cowboy heroics, then I'll become a disco dancer in the 1970s. And don't tell me that the 1970s wasn't the best time period ever," said RowdyC.
"I don't want to sound like a narrow-minded bigot, but I'm no fan of the 1970s," began the Critic.
"Frak you, Critic. The 1970s brought us the golden age of Hollywood and television," countered RowdyC.
"And Watergate, rising crime rates, terrible fashion sense, and the Magnavox Odyssey," said the Nerd. "Really, the only good things to come out of the 1970s are Star Wars and a couple of good movies and television shows that just happened to be made in the 1970s."
"At least the 1970s didn't have the Iraq War causing discord and chaos beneath the façade of patriotism," said RowdyC in reference to being in a tacky tourist trap selling George W. Bush trinkets.
The Critic and Nerd gave awkward laughs as the former launched into a miniature history lesson.
"You think the Iraq War was bad? Let me tell you about the Vietnam War. Many more Americans died in Vietnam than in Iraq, though I don't discount the sacrifices made in both wars. And if you think the protests and mudslinging we see today are bad, consider the near-anarchical state of the 1970s due to protests over the Vietnam War and the Civil Rights movement," said the Critic. "And that's not getting over the generational gap between the conservative Greatest Generation and the liberal, rock and roll Baby Boomers."
RowdyC looked to Brian for support against the Critic and Nerd's distaste for the 1970s.
"Boom doesn't go the dynamite," said Brian simply.
"I see that you're abandoning your loyalty to the past to spout modern-day memes," stated the Critic.
Poetically, Brian took off both of his shoes and threw them at the Critic and the Nerd.
"What was all that about?!" shouted the Nerd as he and the Critic dodged the shoes.
"That's all I have now! My own meme! That's my worth in this world!" yelled Brian before launching into his rant. "As a journalist for both MicroNews and INN, I tried to remain unbiased in my coverage of Emperor George's plans for America. Of course, the last days of the Great Schism of America had me convinced that Emperor George was a mad tyrant that needed to be stopped, and I was eager to meet and interview the three heroes who brought down his reign of terror. I wanted to thank you back then."
"So what happened that led you to throw shoes at us rather than thanking us?" asked the Critic.
"I was replaced by robot journalists at both MicroNews and INN," answered Brian bitterly. "People may complain about the appalling state of today's movies and television shows, but they don't know what real suffering involves. Because actual pain involves being unemployed with useless journalism skills Critic. You may have suffered through the horribleness of the Garbage Pail Kids movie. I endured the laughter and mockery of employers who see my journalist history as being irrelevant and in low demand Nerd. You may have experienced the inconvenience of playing on the Magnavox Odyssey. I would gladly trade my present-day life for a chance to go back to the 1970s, the time of the Magnavox Odyssey."
Brian walked past a picture displaying images of Americans showing signs of patriotism and unity in the aftermath of 9/11, ranging from flying American flags from their houses to participating in charities helping families affected by terrorism.
"I wish I could return to a time when humanity still mattered in the grand scheme of things, both physically and psychologically," lamented Brian. "What can be so difficult in simply abandoning modern technologies that destroy the human component of life? We have all the archival information on life in the past and small-scale historical recreations right now. Why not use our encyclopedic knowledge of the past to return humanity back to its former glory?"
"And what glorious time period would you like to return to?" questioned the Critic to Brian.
"Anywhere in the past is better than the life we are living right now," said Brian. "Maybe Emperor George, the Patricians, and the ex-Patricians had a point when they started their crusade to save humanity from itself."
"Wow. And here I was thinking that life sucked mainly due to reality television," said RowdyC.
"Do you remember why we decided to become cowboys in the first place?" asked Brian.
"To live a life without modern worries or burdens," said RowdyC. "We were just two unemployed journalists made obsolete by the machines, and we became cowboys to regain a sense of purpose in our miserable lives."
The Critic and Nerd were in the process of coming up with a counterargument when Brian interrupted them.
"Everything would have been much simpler if you two hadn't messed things up for everyone. Was it worth it? Losing my job to satisfy the needs of the few who are at a technologically higher level than me," said Brian. "Such reverence for technology wouldn't have existed in the past. And let's not forget your wanton destruction of Chicago, of which I now fully comprehend how unnecessary it was."
"You two seem to protect the interest of the poor internet celebrities who were persecuted by Emperor George. Their punishment was not making makeup tutorials, telling scatological jokes, smashing valuable property for subscribers, and condoning unbridled anarchy," said RowdyC. "Was it worth fighting a war against people with the best intentions for the future to end up with a lazy, unimaginative, and unambitious generation in charge? I can't wait to see the disaster that will unfold next after your debacle in Chicago."
The Critic and Nerd were enraged by how low RowdyC and Brian thought of their sacrifices against George Zazz.
"I think the West beckons to us," said RowdyC. "What do you say we leave these two city slickers behind?"
"The future lies in the past," said Brian.
Momentarily distracted, the two Internet Police agents heard the breaking of glass, as they saw RowdyC and Brian riding on brooms into the sunset.
"Yeehaw!" shouted RowdyC.
"Let's go save Texas!" yelled Brian.
Suddenly, a DeLorean drove in front of them. As an iconic car from the 1985 film Back to the Future, the two Texans stared at it in awe.
"Get in!" shouted a grizzled voice. "Remember the Alamo!"
Hearing the war cry of the Texas Revolution, RowdyC and Brian jumped into the back seats of the DeLorean, and they saw who their rescuers were. Much to their dismay, they were the last people they wanted to see.
"Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to," said a smiling Critic.
"Internexus vult, motherfuckers," said the Nerd.
RowdyC and Brian tried in vain to open the backdoors of the DeLorean. The Critic and Nerd ignored the struggles in the backseats as they drove past a billboard with George W. Bush waving to anyone driving out of Crawford.
"Miss me yet?" asked the billboard to drivers passing by, which in this case were the Critic and the Nerd.
"Damned if you do, damned if you don't," said the Critic in response to this simple question.
Moving out of their Texas flashback, the Critic and Nerd saw that the public showing of the original Back to the Future in the Boston Public Library was ending.
"Roads? Where we're going we don't need… roads," said Doc Brown as he flew the DeLorean into the air, bringing the film to a satisfying conclusion.
With the end credits for the original Back to the Future appearing, an enormous applause erupted from the spectators, with the loudest coming from HurricaneAubrey. With the attendants exiting the library onto the snowy Boston streets, HurricaneAubrey caught up to the Critic as he was waving goodbye to the Nerd.
"Come by my apartment. I want to show you something I've been working on," said HurricaneAubrey to the Critic.
The next day, the Critic was standing in front of an apartment door. Knocking on it, he was greeted by a long, brunette haired woman wearing an oversized white t-shirt smeared with a variety of unknown substances. HurricaneAubrey greeted the Critic with an adorable smile as she crossed her legs while leaning against the doorway.
"I see that you've been busy. I didn't know that you had company," remarked the Critic who wasn't sure if HurricaneAubrey was even wearing pants under her oversized t-shirt.
"No I'm all alone. I've been busy painting and crafting a grand canvas. You want to see it?" asked a smiling HurricaneAubrey.
"Oh I thought you meant… never mind," said an embarrassed Critic as he followed HurricaneAubrey into her apartment.
He carefully walked over a collection of paint cans, brushes, and other artistic tools scattered about on a floor covered in newspaper.
"That explains the stains on her shirt," thought the Critic.
The Critic then saw the only closed door in the apartment building.
"Trust me. You don't want to go into my apprentice's living quarters," said HurricaneAubrey as she led the Critic to her canvas.
The Critic stared at the massive canvas stretching against a significant part of a wall. It was covered in splashes of paint that resembled HurricaneAubrey's splattered over-sized shirt.
"What is this, your idea of modern art?" asked the Critic, who was expecting more from HurricaneAubrey.
"Of course not," said HurricaneAubrey. "I'm just testing to see which colors would stand out more on this canvas."
HurricaneAubrey took out a folded sheet of paper from her shirt's pocket.
"This is what I intend the finished work to look like," said HurricaneAubrey as she showed the paper to the Critic.
The Critic saw that the preliminary sketch had a landscape of warfare through the ages. The Critic saw war being fought from ancient times with spears and swords to the modern age with stealth bombers and machine guns, with cities of stone and glass being set ablaze.
"What do you think?" asked HurricaneAubrey. "I'm trying to create my version of Pablo Picasso's Guernica. I call it The Generational Cycle."
"Why?" questioned the Critic.
"Because since the beginning, humanity has undergone generational disputes between the older and younger generations. It wouldn't surprise me if one of the first generational conflicts was between those the elders who favored a hunter-gathering way of life to the young folks who wanted to adopt an agricultural society necessary for the rise of civilization," said HurricaneAubrey. "But since the dawn of the 20th century, the generational turmoil has accelerated to unmanageable levels, culminating into the Great Schism of America that tore countless people including myself and my little sister apart. I feel that this canvas would serve as a cautionary tale against perpetuating the cycle of distrust and antagonism between generations. So what do you think Critic?"
Though he specialized in film criticism, the Critic felt confident that he could transfer his cinematic reviewing skills to analyzing HurricaneAubrey's plans for the canvas.
"I appreciate that you gave intricate details to the war-torn images that has plagued humankind since its humble beginnings, but I don't think that this best illustrates what real generational conflict entails. This would be great work of art showcasing the graphic details of warfare, but we already have works of art like Guernica to illustrate this point. And considering how my military father showed me every war painting and movie known to man, I am tired of seeing another generic piece commentating on war," said he Critic. "I would be grateful if you do something new if you want to get your statement across more thoroughly."
"Okay," said HurricaneAubrey sweetly if a little downtrodden. "I can see where you are coming across."
"Still, I am impressed by your efforts to create something original, which is more than can be said for other artists" said the Critic.
"Thank you," said HurricaneAubrey. "How about we move on to another subject?
"Very well. Perhaps we can talk about the artistic merits of Fantasia, one of my favorite movies of all time. I think you're mature enough to understand why Fantasia is such a masterpiece," said the Critic.
"Of course I adore Fantasia. It is like going to an art museum but with motion and music," responded HurricaneAubrey.
"Well said," remarked the Critic.
In a Boston apartment building, a film critic wearing glasses, a black cap, a red tie, a white shirt underneath a black jacket, and blue jeans was analyzing Fantasia with an aspiring artist wearing an oversized t-shirt smeared in paint. Sitting on the floor, they discussed the abstract and elegant nature of Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, the whimsical anarchy of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, and the spiritual experience of Night on Bald Mountain. From an outsider's perspective, it would seem abnormal to think these two people of different generations would be having an intelligent conversation about Disney's Fantasia. But it was happening right now.
"If only my little sister was here to join us," thought HurricaneAubrey. "At least my apprentice isn't here to ruin things."
Just as fate helped her in Vienna, so fate would work against HurricaneAubrey as the Critic's Electronic Database buzzed. The Critic gave one look at it, and gave some bad news to HurricaneAubrey.
"Looks like the Weathervanes have claimed the Mall of America as their own sanctuary," said the Critic. "Your apprentice is in trouble."
"I'm not surprised," said HurricaneAubrey rolling her eyes as she crossed her arms. "I wouldn't be astonished if she personally invited them in."
As the Critic watched HurricaneAubrey retreat into her bedroom to change into attire more appropriate for a rescue mission at the Mall of America, the Critic looked at the enormous canvas intended for the piece The Generational Cycle. The Critic thought about his friendship with HurricaneAubrey and how it was sustained due to shared interests and mutual respect despite generational differences. He wondered if HurricaneAubrey could reconcile with her apprentice just as he did with her. More ambitious and unrealistic, he pondered if he could bring an end to the generational cycle that has been a part of humanity since time immemorial.
Please review this story to provide me some advice on improving it. What other internet personalities or memes should the Internet Police encounter?