AN: This story emerged from an elaborate inside joke between me and some friends last year. The basic premise is that its set in modern day, but the Greek gods are still around. The big change to mythology is that we shuffled all the relationships around (alhtough no marriages have been dissolved or created yet). Artemis and Hades are together now, and Apollo and Persephone are also dating. Less relevant to this particular story but also true-Athena and Poseidon are dating, Aphrodite and Hermes are an item, and Zeus and Hera are finally in a relationship together. This is just the beginning of the story, I'm not sure when I'll get a chance to finish it, but please read and review constructively!
Chapter 1
Although Hades was not in the habit of leaving the Underworld, Artemis was in the habit of visiting him there. One day she relaxed on the patio of Hades' great palace, just as she always did while he was busy, and heard Cerberus barking furiously. She jumped up and raced to the palace gates, only to see Apollo brandishing his lyre at the nearest canine head.
"Cerberus! Sit! Good boys. Apollo is allowed through," she told the three headed dog, who immediately obeyed. "How are you doing brother?" leading Apollo to the patio to sit, she continued, "And how are the muses? I haven't seen them in awhile."
"Like you would, down here," he replied distastefully as he glanced at the bleak landscape visible over the wall. Beyond the garden, which glittered with precious stones, a notorious pomegranate tree, and fountains, but no actual flowers or grass, the Fields of Asphodel stretched seeming forever to nearly all sides. The flat, featureless ground was nearly covered in wandering shades, and the whisper in the air was not wind, but unintelligible voices of the dead. Every few minutes a tortured scream was carried to the palace from the faraway place of punishment, and the River Styx bubbled ominously as Charon inched his boat across it once more, bringing fresh souls.
It is still depressing even for me, Artemis thought, and my brother is the God of Light, he must be miserable. She remained silent however to see what her twin would say. When the silence stretched between them awkwardly, she verbally nudged him, "You did come down here for something other than insulting my boyfriend and his home, right?" She said it jokingly, but inside she was pleading that it was true, and would remain so.
"Of course," Apollo's smile is slightly embarrassed. "Dionysus is starting one of his parties to celebrate…something…maybe. Come on, it'll be great; Dionysus is the god of amazing parties you never want to end. Everyone's invited, we're gonna…"
Artemis was shooting a look at her twin. One eyebrow arched upward and obvious disbelief crossed her face. From the seat she had taken at the marble patio table, she was much lower than her standing twin, but it did not lessen the effect of her glare. "Everyone?"
The situation made Apollo squirm slightly and he awkwardly dodged the real question. "Well….maybe not….everyone. Maybe…everyone minus one? But…ah…" Artemis tilted her head and inwardly willed Apollo to answer what she was asking. What she knew the answer to. What she knew she wouldn't like. He finally continued, with an apologetic look on his face, "Look, sis, well…you know that Ha-" As Apollo's face lost color, Artemis turned toward the palace and saw Hades emerging. She almost missed Apollo muttering, "Speak of the devil" under his breath.
"And he shall appear," Hades completed the phrase as he swept out onto the patio. He glance briefly at Artemis but as his gaze rested on Apollo, it betrayed his annoyance at the unexpected visitor. "Thank you for the most flattering analogy, music boy, but I doubt you came here to shower me with affection. I suppose Artemis told Cerberus to let you in. Here's the puzzler though: why would an Olympian choose now to visit my home, after all these centuries?"
Apollo stretched to his full height, but he still only came to Hades' shoulder. His eyes shone with a light that was defiant in the Underworld, but he surreptitiously clutched his lyre at his side. "I came for Artemis. She has been invited to a party."
"Well of course she has," Artemis was getting nervous. Every moment seemed to increase the chances of getting her twin in trouble. Not to mention the difficulties with Hades later. But he chose that moment to give her a brief, tender smile. Foolishly, she relaxed. Hades continued, "And you don't have to imply it or pretend to be polite anymore. I know none of you would…be caught dead with me," this last phrase was accompanied by an almost sinister smile. The constantly sardonic tone of Hades' voice added to the effect and Artemis started to shift awkwardly in her seat again.
Twin, lover. Lover, twin. Artemis looked back and forth anxiously and couldn't decide whose side to take. If she could take any side at all. Blasted dysfunctional family. Her expression settled on cold disappointment for both of them. Boys and their testosterone.
Apollo, however, hadn't skipped a beat (why would he? He's the god of music). "Oh so you do know! Then I suppose you'll be looking for a new cologne," he paused deliberately before concluding, "Other than 'Stench of Death.'" Not wanting Hades to get a head start, or even home-court advantage, Apollo glanced around for inspiration. "And maybe redecorate? Some flowers over there would really liven the place up."
For a moment, there seemed to be hope. Hades gritted his teeth, obstinately did not reply, and addressed Artemis. "Honey," he said, uncharacteristically, "go to the party. Don't worry about me. Just enjoy yourself, dear."
Artemis stood but only took a place behind her chair. Honey? Dear? Since when do I have pet names?
"You have no right to honey my sister!"
She was about to say something, but then realized a brawl was inevitable. Three, Two, One…
"No, YOU have no right to serenade my wife," Hades replied coolly. Artemis congratulated herself on her perfect countdown, even as she wished desperately that this wasn't happening. "You don't seem to mind that she lives here," Hades added. The fury was plain behind his eyes, like a furnace in intensity.
"Because she was kidnapped! And only a quarter of the year anyway. She hates you just as much as everyone else," Apollo's anger was running cold and deadly. The last sentence was spoken calmly but the emotion ran deep. "All this time and you couldn't even get your own wife to like you."
Please don't see me. Please don't see me, Please don't look… Artemis thought. She inched further away from the gods, closer to the edge of the patio. The last thing she wanted was to be Hades' example of lovability while he was arguing with her twin brother. They could find something else to argue about.
"That's not quite-" Hades glanced at Artemis and stopped. She inwardly gave him a little credit for that. Apollo had seen the glance, however, and realized his miscalculation. He was suddenly on the defensive, and Hades smirked slightly in triumph.
"The mortals even refused to honor you, you're so hated. Except for a planet, but…that's gone now. I guess it was uncomfortably close to Earth for them," It was shoddily done, and a poor cover-up for his earlier mistake, but Apollo's new taunt seemed to strike a nerve nonetheless.
The furnace in Hades' glare blazed anew with fresh insult. He was in it for the long haul. The Lord of the Underworld does not lose. Ever. "You should talk! What are you the god of, anyway? You sing prettily and are associated with light? The muses and Helios do your job better than you!"
Artemis was horrified at the severity of the insult, and her face showed it, but when she looked at Apollo, he only looked dazed. Apparently centuries of being a favorite among mortals and gods alike had left him with no protective shell against such attacks. As he recovered from his shock, Hades allowed himself the slightest upward twitch at the corners of the mouth. Finally, Apollo composed himself and bellowed with a rage much stronger than usual for him, "I've skinned satyrs alive for such blasphemy!"
"Well, you can hardly do that to me, can you, nephew?" The reply was cool and quiet, from anyone else it might have even sounded submitting, but from Hades it was the pinnacle of his rage. Control was his specialty.
At the sound of the last word, Apollo visibly gave up. He seemed pale, and he should, "nephew" was spoken as both a curse and a threat. Deliberately ignoring Hades, he turned to his sister, "Come on, Artemis, the party will be much livelier than this. And we'll be in much more hospitable company." Instead of following him, Artemis insisted that he go ahead and she would catch up. Apollo was reluctant, but he could tell his sister wouldn't budge on this, so he started through the garden.
When he was halfway through, Hades stopped him. "Will you take a message to my wife for me, music boy?" he did not wait for an answer before he continued, "tell her that I am so looking forward to the first frosts this year." Apollo all but flew out of the Underworld, and the almost-smile crossed Hades' face once more when Cerberus snapped at the heels of the cursing Apollo.
"If you're done musing on what punishment you would give my twin if he could die-" Artemis began.
"I'm not musing, I'm ruminating." The reply was hot and anger still lurked behind the victory almost-smile on Hades' face.
"Oh grow up! They're synonyms," she snapped.
"And I wasn't plotting his punishment should he die," Hades added. Artemis expressed her disbelief and raised an eye brow. "Really. I swear it on the River Styx." As if on cue the river bubbled ominously and a small whirlpool caught at Charon's ferry.
I wonder if that happens every time… she thought, but instead demanded "Then what were you…ruminating about?"
"Er…" The Lord of the Underworld is known for stoicism, but now he looked slightly sheepish. "I was imagining him groveling at my feet because my brothers retired," he admitted in a rush, regaining his control at the end and appearing coldly expressionless.
Artemis decided to fight stoicism with emotional truth and gave an exasperated sigh before she began her rant, "You. Are. Hopeless! You aren't content to go without provoking anyone. You aren't content to exchange mild insults. You aren't content to just win the fight. You aren't even content to land the extra crushing blow afterward. You have to imagine it was worse!" her voice had risen in a steady crescendo throughout the speech, and the last few words carried easily all the way to Cerberus. The shades near the gates had stopped their usually ceaseless whispers in curiosity, and pressed closer to the walls.
Hades was momentarily sent into shock. No one had ever, in the history of the world, spoken to the Lord of the Underworld like that. All too soon the emotion was gone, and a steely determination replaced it. "Did you not see him because he is your precious twin?" The anger was clear, and the curious shades backed away from the walls. "He was just as bad! He. Brought. Up. Pluto." The control was slipping, and Artemis glimpsed the full wrath of Hades.
"And you went where no one, mortal or not, has ever dared to go before. Trust me, you're more than even." Artemis cooled her gaze and tone to add, "And you started it. 'Speak of the devil' is not an invitation to duel, death-boy" she rolled her eyes on the last word, mimicking Apollo's new nickname.
"I-He wanted a fight," was Hades' simple reply.
Artemis bit her lip to keep from insulting her boyfriend. They'd had enough of that for one eternity. "Yes, I could tell. But you didn't have to give him one. And he only wanted a couple good insults, until someone brought up Persephone. Which was, by the way, completely inappropriate."
"He's dating my wife, and that's off-limits when he says I can't date his sister?" The words were coming faster now as the two heated up. Artemis' reply was instantaneous. "It is when your girlfriend is present!" she snapped. "Anyway, I'm going to that party. Feel free to stay here and 'ruminate' on what you're going to say next time you see me. I suggest you think hard," and with that she swept off the patio, through the gate, and was completely gone before Hades could hide his shock.