Disclaimer: In case you didn't know, I don't own HIS DARK MATERIALS, and
I'm not writing this to make money, so please don't sue me. If I owned it
I would 1) Not be writing humorous stories of it on FANFICTION.net and 2)
Be in Hawaii watching the sun set with a jar of macadamia nuts and a
martini. (If I was old enough to drink, which I'm not)
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Dear Flabby,
Just a few weeks ago, a very tragic and mentally injuring thing happened to me: I had to break up with my boyfriend to save the world. At the same time I lost the ability to read my alethiometer. You do not know how hurtful this was to me.
There were two questions I wanted to ask it, but I never was able to. My life seems over, Flabby. There is no way I can go on living without him. Of course, I was told to build the Republic of Heaven here on earth, so that is the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself. And the fact that I am only twelve. And the fact that I already know what it is like to die, and I don't want to be oblivious forever. You see, I have already been to the World of the Dead. (Don't forget to tell the harpies true stories, else they won't guide you.)
My primary question was this: is there a way to go to other worlds without Dust leaking out? The angels said that there was, but I wanted to ask you, since you seem to know so much. Is there a loophole? And what the hell happened to my filthy, betraying parents?
~Lyra Silvertongue/Belaqua
P.S. Please don't tell me this is a severe case of teen depression and that I should seek professional help immediately.
Dear Lyra,
Um, actually I was going to tell you that it is a severe case of teen depression. I seriously urge to do something about this before it gets too extreme. Please don't take your own life if you are only twelve.
Now, you say that you broke up with your boyfriend to save the world. Veeery interesting. Please accept my sincere condolences for this very tragic happening.
You also seem to dislike your parents. Could this ill will have led to your current problems?
Moving on.you appear to have critical hallucinations. Angels? Dust? The World of the Dead? Alethiometer? There should be medication for that at your local pharmacy. Don't hesitate to ask for help. In the mean time, get plenty of exercise. When you sweat like a pig, you tend to focus more on your aching muscles than your aching heart. And don't have too much comfort food. Be sure not to lose your youthful health in the midst of your travail.
Anyway, my Inner Eye tells me your going to get another boyfriend pretty soon. It also tell me he will be twice your age and wears purple thongs, occasionally. Yuck! It also tells me that you will soon be able to read your alethiometer. Oh, wait! There's more!! I see President George Bush getting run out of office for being a moron and California becoming its own nation. Ah, but I also see the South winning the Civil War and the Egyptian god Osiros ruling England. Oh well.
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***Please review! I need some tips.***
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Dear Flabby,
Just a few weeks ago, a very tragic and mentally injuring thing happened to me: I had to break up with my boyfriend to save the world. At the same time I lost the ability to read my alethiometer. You do not know how hurtful this was to me.
There were two questions I wanted to ask it, but I never was able to. My life seems over, Flabby. There is no way I can go on living without him. Of course, I was told to build the Republic of Heaven here on earth, so that is the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself. And the fact that I am only twelve. And the fact that I already know what it is like to die, and I don't want to be oblivious forever. You see, I have already been to the World of the Dead. (Don't forget to tell the harpies true stories, else they won't guide you.)
My primary question was this: is there a way to go to other worlds without Dust leaking out? The angels said that there was, but I wanted to ask you, since you seem to know so much. Is there a loophole? And what the hell happened to my filthy, betraying parents?
~Lyra Silvertongue/Belaqua
P.S. Please don't tell me this is a severe case of teen depression and that I should seek professional help immediately.
Dear Lyra,
Um, actually I was going to tell you that it is a severe case of teen depression. I seriously urge to do something about this before it gets too extreme. Please don't take your own life if you are only twelve.
Now, you say that you broke up with your boyfriend to save the world. Veeery interesting. Please accept my sincere condolences for this very tragic happening.
You also seem to dislike your parents. Could this ill will have led to your current problems?
Moving on.you appear to have critical hallucinations. Angels? Dust? The World of the Dead? Alethiometer? There should be medication for that at your local pharmacy. Don't hesitate to ask for help. In the mean time, get plenty of exercise. When you sweat like a pig, you tend to focus more on your aching muscles than your aching heart. And don't have too much comfort food. Be sure not to lose your youthful health in the midst of your travail.
Anyway, my Inner Eye tells me your going to get another boyfriend pretty soon. It also tell me he will be twice your age and wears purple thongs, occasionally. Yuck! It also tells me that you will soon be able to read your alethiometer. Oh, wait! There's more!! I see President George Bush getting run out of office for being a moron and California becoming its own nation. Ah, but I also see the South winning the Civil War and the Egyptian god Osiros ruling England. Oh well.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
***Please review! I need some tips.***