Excuses

A Naruto fanfiction

by Nelarun

Naruto © Kishimoto

Tsunade glowered at the Jounin who stood before her desk; his hands were in his pockets, he was slouched comfortably and he didn't appear to be injured or otherwise worse-for-wear – nothing that he could point at as an explanation for his tardiness. Kakashi had cultivated a persona of perpetual tardiness, but honestly... there was tardy and then there was tardy. "Your mission was to Hanafuku and back – that's maybe four days if you walked the entire way. Care to explain why it took you four weeks?"

Kakashi tried to appear nonchalant but honestly he was a little nervous – the Hokage was awful calm, he wondered if he shouldn't have updated his will before he came to report in. "I don't suppose you'd believe that I was lost on the road of life?"

"I wouldn't accept anything less than single handedly battling an entire legion of Jashinist's!" Ah – there was the flare of anger, maybe he'd get out of this with a solid beating.

"Ah," his shoulders drooped slightly. "Well you see..."

Four weeks ago

Kakashi smiled as his client disappeared inside the house; he had the mission scroll and a small bonus in his vest pocket and had rather enjoyed the ease of the mission – he had an affable artist who had promised his children that he'd hire a shinobi escort for the trip home and had been endlessly kind to Kakashi (thanking him with bonus's and rather amusing anecdotes for his endless patience with the two little boys who had hung off Kakashi's every word). They were good kids and the client was polite and didn't have anything unexpected. No C to A ranks for Kakashi this time.

It really was nice of Tsunade-sama to give her Jounin some easier, shorter mission (which really were more like a holiday than anything else) in between the horrifyingly death defying (or tediously boring) missions that they'd been stuck with ever since the invasion...

As he happily walked through the town, approaching the main road that would lead him out, he happened to notice something, something that his conscience could not accept: there was a little old lady, struggling under the weight of her groceries! The lone wolf in him told him to keep going, just go home, sleep in his own bed for one night before he was off battling an entire army with only his ninken as support... The pack animal in him, however, told him to go and offer his assistance.

The pack animal won out.

So Kakashi found himself crossing the road, turning on what his formerly precious and adorable genin once declared the 'jutsu-of-all-evil' (the one Sasuke explained he used to get women to come around to his point of view or to pacify them) and offered his aid.

The woman's wrinkled face lit up and he took the bags, easily moderating his stride and pace in order to accommodate her smaller frame and almost hobbled gait. When they arrived at her apartment Kakashi quickly sat her down and busied himself putting her groceries away and afterwards politely accepted her invitation for tea and snacks – after all, what was a few hours spent in pleasant company that he couldn't make up through the night?

Konoha

"You helped an old lady with her groceries?" Tsunade stared at him and Kakashi nodded.

"Himiko-chan was quite lovely and even gave me the recipe for her biscuits!" Tsunade blinked once, her hard gaze never leaving the man.

"I see... Hatake, that's only two-"

"Four," Kakashi interrupted cheerfully. "Five hours if you include the extra shopping she did now that she had an aide-"

"Five-" Tsunade said, "-hours accounted for; you still have... five hundred and seventy-one hours unexplained. So what happened next? Black cat crossed your path?"

Kakashi chuckled awkwardly.

Four weeks ago (same day as before)

With Himiko's rather delicious biscuit recipe tucked away (he'd have to see if Yuugao was willing to bake them for him... surely she had forgotten the last time he'd insulted her cooking!) Kakashi made his way to the main road once more. This time he wasn't stopped by the need to aid anyone and only a young man walking past with three younger relatives – perhaps siblings, perhaps niece and nephews – gave him pause as he suddenly remembered his deplorable... adorable? No... definitely deplorable – brats; and suddenly the afternoon sun was just that little bit dimmer.

The members of the city guard watched the shinobi pass them as he left the city and breathed a little easier – no one knew where most of these shinobi came from, but all felt just that little bit safer when they left. (That this particular shinobi had seemingly smiled and waved to them didn't make them feel any less paranoid.)

It was to be another six kilometres, entering a more humid and closed section of the forest, that Kakashi was drawn fully out of his musings.

There was a cat, a black cat,a healthy looking black cat one would expect to see in a house.

This cat (did he mention it was black) was sitting in the middle of the road... staring at him.

Why was there a black cat sitting in the middle of the road staring at him?

Kakashi looked around as though to ascertain that this wasn't a joke – his excuses were legendary and more than one of the shinobi at the outposts had tried to play some joke on him at least once; Kakashi even opened his Sharingan beneath his protector to see through any potential genjutsu and...

… nothing.

He nodded slightly, content to brush off the fact that there was a black cat sitting in the middle of the road and staring at him, as something strange. Cats were weird like that after all – this was why he was a dog person. Happy with his reinforced belief that cats were clearly a substandard species he approached, intending to bypass the cat and continue on his way; however the cat spoke.

Why was there a black cat sitting in the middle of the road staring at him and speaking?

…

Why is the cat talking?

"Do you like playing games little human?"

Kakashi froze and the cat laughed and turned into a panther... a panther! He did what any respectable shinobi and dog person would do: he turned and ran for his dear life.

A youkai wanted to play with him. A youkai wanted to play with him. Kakashi had his moments of impulsive stupidity, but even at his most impulsive, there was no way he was taking on a youkai! Youkai were unstable and crazy... besides which, no one attacked youkai unless the youkai seriously attacked them first – they had a habit of smiting first and eating humans second. The panther chuckled and continued to follow Kakashi through the forest.

Kakashi was a dog person and his only experience with cats were with those cats that used to call the Uchiha Compound home before Itachi lost it and slaughtered as many of them as his own family and they decamped for more familiar territories; thankfully it didn't take a cat expert to realise that this youkai was playing with him. The poor thing was probably bored...

Now he just had to find the boundary of this creatures territory and cross it... hopefully before she tired of him.

Konoha

"So you ran half way across the country just to get a youkai in the form of a cat to stop following you?"

Kakashi nodded. "She was extremely playful – I was most concerned that her attention regarding me would turn from play to hunger so I just kept running... it took me a while but I finally got out of her territory and by then I was in some mountainous region about two weeks from Konoha."

"I see," Kakashi doubted that she did, but he kept his silence. "And how long did this jaunt take?"

Kakashi made a small noise. "Two days, Hokage-sama."

Tsunade sighed and refilled her cup. "Fine, you saw a black cat and had to go out of your way to avoid it; there's still about five hundred and twenty hours unaccounted for."

"Hokage-sama, you're really good with-"

"Hatake!"

Three and a bit weeks ago

Kakashi stopped running and looked around. Damned cat. He should have skinned her when he had the chance... he didn't even know where he was, but his inbuilt 'dog-like' homing instincts were telling him that Konoha was through the boulder strewn path with the nasty looking descents... Hmm... Perhaps his instincts were wrong and Konoha was actually across the fields with the gentle slope? No... definitely the first way. Sighing, Kakashi turned and started walking towards Konoha. Honestly he was an elite jounin and he couldn't even do a simple escort mission without it blowing up in his face. Gai could do a simple escort mission without anything untoward happening!

"I'm cursed," Kakashi finally declared.

However his morose mood was to quickly lift as he suddenly smelled something... food? Oh good! He was near a village! Or a camp but he was being optimistic – food meant not having to eat stale rations, food mean a village and perhaps if he turned his 'jutsu-of-evilly-gaining-the-goodwill-of-women' (or whatever people were calling it nowadays) on, he may even get a bed to sleep in, or a roof over his head... or... a bath. A bath would be nice – oh yes, a bath would be exceedingly nice.

Kakashi did his best not to stumble into the village and he stared in horror at the scene: small huts and a damaged road – people were trying to step over the cracks, pick their way through the ruins and... he leaped forward to catch an old woman as she stum-

Konoha

"I swear if you say you were helping old women cross the street-"

"Come now, Hokage-sama! What do you take me for?" At her pointed look Kakashi cleared his throat. "It wasn't all I was doing..."

Three and a bit weeks ago (same day)

He'd been doing this for hours now! Hours! (He thought he had a few repeat offenders however...) One old woman explained that an earthquake had occurred recently and they hadn't been able to afford the resources to call a shinobi in to fix the damage – after all, they'd been working on fixing the mine before anything else! Kakashi thanked one of the ladies he had helped when she held out a cup of tea, and turned his attention to the ruined street.

Sure he was tired, but he had stims.

Stims were amazing – they let you do really cool things like this:

Popping a soldier pill, Kakashi handed the tea back to the woman and walked out to the street, forming several seals he'd picked up from an Iwa-nin – it was a useful jutsu when large repairs needed to be made to previously smooth surfaces, it was a jutsu mostly used to repair damage to arena floors but he saw no reason why it couldn't be applied in this situation.

He threw his hands down onto the ground and they all watched as the cracks and fissures in the road disappeared, houses righted themselves and as a final gesture – he picked the earth up and shook it, the earth rolled like a carpet being shaken. Kakashi looked a little tired but turned to the women who were standing in shocked silence as his feat. He once again switched on the 'jutsu-too-evil-to-be-named' (or whatever they were calling it nowadays) and bowed gallantly to his audience.

"My dear women-" He looked up and every woman young and old felt as though he was talking only to her, "-you may now cross the road without fear!"

Konoha

Tsunade finished the shot of sake and held out her cup to her cheerful slave telling her the most amusing (if unbelievable) story. She frowned slightly as her slave (subordinate? Nah – slave) took his time refilling her cup and she shook the cup slightly in order to gain his attention.

"Ah, my apologies Hokage-sama." Kakashi cheerfully filled the cup.

"So you helped old ladies cross the road?" Kakashi happily ignored the twitching that accompanied the Hokage's words.

"Should I not have? The village thanked me by throwing a party that evening!"

Tsunade nodded sagely – parties were serious affairs and should always be attended where possible.

"How long did this party go on for?"

"Only one night..."

"And you moved on the next morning?"

"Uh... no Hokage-sama."

"No?" Tsunade frowned, horror slowly filling her mind. "Dear gods, what did you do?" She was suddenly envisioning Kakashi doing exceedingly well at the party and perhaps in nine and a half months time, there would be more than one Hatake in the village... "Hatake!"

"Hmm? I'm surprised you haven't received official notification... I was accidentally arrested and it took a while to clear my name."

"Do I even want to know?"

Kakashi somehow managed to look crestfallen and gleeful at the same time. "Maa... it's a very good story, Hokage-sama."

"... Sake..."

Two and a bit weeks ago (same village as before)

As prisons went, this wasn't actually too bad. Kakashi giggled as he lounged on his futon. At least they'd allowed him his book! Perhaps he'd finally be able to finish it! Plus they fed him fairly decent food.

"Ah! Chikako-chan!" He put his book away and stood when he saw his gaoler's mother walk into the room. "How are you feeling today?"

"I am well, Hatake-san. Are your accommodations still to your liking?"

"Okaasan!" his gaoler walked in with a fond, if exasperated, look on his face. "You can't talk to the prisoner remember?"

"Hatake-san is a sweet boy, Huyu. You should learn from him."

Huyu didn't look overly impressed but he played along as a flare of amusement lit Kakashi's eye. "Alright then, sensei."

"Huyu, don't be like that-"

"Yes, okaasan." He tired to look contrite, he really did. "Sensei." Chikako scoffed, collected his breakfast tray and shuffled away. "The village is gathered."

Kakashi pulled a face. "I'm not sure I'm fully recovered after last week-"

"We're not sure we're fully recovered either," Huyu muttered. "And entire week's progress gone! But at least most of us can stand and open our eyes now."

Kakashi nodded sagely as he happily followed Huyu out of the room. "I honestly don't know how those pills got into the beer..."

Huyu gave him a disbelieving look but didn't otherwise reply and Kakashi looked around the gathered villagers – more than few still looked ill and Kakashi grimaced in sympathy.

Stims were great – until you came off them, and of all the stims the soldier pills were the worst. Food pills made you feel like you hadn't eaten in a month; hydro pills made you feel like you were about to die of thirst; soldier pills? Well they made you ravenous, lethargic, dehydrated and if you were really unlucky unconscious for days. Most shinobi only had the soldier pill in dire straits, and only when they were either close enough to safety or had enough pills to keep them going until they reached safety.

He explained (quite reasonably) that he wouldn't dare to spike the beer with soldier pills – hydro pills sure, that was a common enough prank in the hidden villages – but never soldier pills.

Thankfully the villagers didn't seem too inclined to disbelieve him and simply asked that he help them out with his 'earth magic' to finish fixing the mine and then he could leave whenever he wanted.

Kakashi liked it when people agreed with him; it meant that he didn't need to waste time explaining to them using the nicest words possible why they were idiots for disagreeing with him and he didn't think these villagers were idiots... after all, they'd thrown him a party, given him a nice room and good food and the chance to read most of his book – true he hadn't finished his book and while he was receiving offers to stay for a few more nights, after he helped out at the mine he really should get back to Konoha... but it was awful nice of them!

Konoha

Tsunade bit back a laugh of horror. "I see... so now you only have four hundred hours to explain." Kakashi was quite impressed with her ability to do maths while drunk.

"Hai, Hokage-sama. Oh yes! I got a gift that I'm supposed to declare?"

"Forget it," Tsunade waved away his attempts at searching for the elusive gift. "Just hurry up and explain where the rest of the time went."

Two weeks ago

Kakashi was rather well rested as he strode into the next town in the mountain chain. It was a large market town and Kakashi was quickly swallowed up by the crowd as he looked around for a speciality store that sold high quality shinobi gear. They were always well out of the way of the main streets and had a genjutsu around them to prevent even the most determined civilian from seeing them... Ah! There it was! He walked into the store, gave the Suna-nin a curious glance but ignored them, ordering more soldier pills, ration bars and the new book in the 'Ai, Ai, Ai!' series. Not quite a profound as the 'Icha Icha' series but it filled the void of despair that developed within one while waiting for the next book to come out.

Speaking of 'Icha, Icha'... Kakashi saw Jiraya standing outside a building as Naruto pestered him about something. Kakashi grinned and walked over to them, raising a hand casually and saying 'yo' to announce his presence.

"Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto frowned. "What are you doing here?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Well... first I was just doing an escort mission, then I had to help an old lady with her groceries, then a black cat crossed my path so I had to take the long way round which led me to a village with a lot of old ladies needing my help to cross the street after which I was accidentally arrested and it took my a while to clear me name! Now, I heard my favourite author was in town and I thought I could get his autograph." Using elite jounin skills, Kakashi had a pen and the book in front of Jiraiya who barked a laugh of amusement and signed it.

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"Hmm?"

"You're lying aren't you..."

Kakashi adopted a wounded stance. "That you can accuse me of such-"

"They're the same excuses you used when you were late to training!" Naruto shouted at him and Kakashi chuckled hesitantly.

"Are they?"

"Come on, Ero-sennin! Let's go!"

"But Naruto! I thought we could grab some lunch? This town has quite a good ramen stand – not as good as Ichiraku's granted, but still quite passable." Naruto paused and Kakashi smirked.

Kakashi 1, Naruto 0.

"You're paying right?"

"Ah..."

Kakashi 1, Naruto 1.

Konoha

Tsunade looked at the now morose looking Kakashi. "So you met your favourite author... I think I how how the rest of your tale goes..." She held up a hand to stop Kakashi's protests to the contrary. "You made the rookie mistake of not putting a limit on the amount of ramen Naruto could eat; Naruto kept eating and you had to work it off."

Ten days ago (same city as before)

If Kakashi saw another soap sud again... He glowered as he stalked through the streets of the market city, the crowd scattering behind him and he vaguely wondered why he hadn't glowered the last time he needed to move through the crowd. Four and a half days, four and a half days of doing dishes!

How had Naruto eaten four and a half days worth of dishes? Kakashi's glower deepened and soon most people were deciding that it was probably safer for them to hide in a shop or walk on the footpaths until the shinobi was gone.

Naruto hadn't eaten four and a half days worth of dishes... he'd eaten six. Six. Kakashi had enough money on him to cover one and a half days worth...

That's it! Next time he saw Naruto the brat was going down.

Kakashi started cackling and the few shinobi that were there forced their clients to disappear until Kakashi was well away from the city.

Konoha

Kakashi took a deep breath. "So you see... this time I felt it easier to just say that I got lost of the road of life."

"How is that even possible?" Tsunade muttered.

"I agree!" Kakashi shook his head. "That boy can eat-"

"You!" Tsunade shouted. "How are you even possible!"

"Ah." Kakashi nodded and wisely kept silent for a moment. Tsunade was giving him the 'pain is imminent in your future' look and Kakashi sighed, switching on his 'jutsu-that-had-no-end-of-evil-applications' (… or whatever they were calling it nowadays) and adopted a pathetic look, bowing gallantly to his Hokage.

"I believe that I must be-"

"Hatake, are you using that jutsu on me?"

Kakashi paused. "Cursed." He straightened and did what any rational shinobi who'd just angered his drunk kage would do: he turned and fled the office, expertly dodging the cup that came arching after him.

Next time someone asked him what took him so long he'd just smile, cackle and go back to his book...

… Or simply fall back to his standard "I got lost..."

A/N:

Many thanks to my beta – Fushiko! I pay in biscuits and I'm happy that you and yours devoured them!

You know that brilliant moment when you click on the 'My Results' tab on your Uni website and you're cringing cause you were really sick for most of the semester and are dreading the results only to discover that you did brilliantly and the final exams really were as easy as you thought they were and you didn't royally screw them up? Yeah – that happened to me (did I also mention that my survey proposal actually had my lecturer saying that if I wanted to do post-grad sociology based on my survey proposal then he'd support me!).

So I was really happy (so happy that I went and added another subject to my time table for the next semester – bad Nela) and then went 'hey – what if Kakashi's excuses weren't excuses but actually happened?' I hope I made you smile or even snort in amusement!

Also I received a flame! I admit I wasn't put out about the flame but what really got me was that s/he didn't even sign in or take the trouble to create a name! It's the internet! Grow a spine! Sigh... Oh! And yes – I'm Australian, that means I drive not only on the wrong side of the road but also the cars are set up wrong way round, we don't hate the letters 'u' or 's'; we pronounce 'z' as 'zed'

(Customer Service Assistant over telephone: So what was your e-mail address?

Me: Ell-Eye-Zed-

CSAoT: I'm sorry, what?

Me: Ell-Eye-Zed-

CSAoT: Zed? What is that?"

Me: Oh! You're American! Ell-Eye-Zee

– yes, let's get a job at an Australian call centre and not know what 'zed' is...)

And we also have funny ways of spelling certain words.