A/N: Yeah, I totally stole the title from Death Cab for Cutie, and I obviously don't own them, so yeah. :)
This is... different. It's angsty and... different.
I take a shuddering breath.
Breathe. Just breathe.
This shouldn't be so hard, but my lungs refuse to cooperate.
I look up and suddenly it's like my world, everything I know, is collapsing around me. This isn't right, I think. But, then again, nothing is right. Not since we lost the baby, that is.
He won't even look at me. I know it's not my fault, and he knows it's not my fault, but he's certainly not acting like it.
I'm worried about him. His face is so haggard and tired, and his eyes are distant and devoid of any emotions he might be bottling up. I don't think he's eaten properly since our little boy passed. Not that I blame him. My appetite is so far gone I can't even taste the food my mom forces me to eat.
He just looks so exhausted, just sitting there in his chair. He's not even paying attention to Kayla, our three-year-old. She's showing him her latest accomplishment with the Legos and he's only nodding absently, muttering incoherent words and pattering her on the head out of habit.
I like to think she understands why her daddy won't look at her or play with her. But I also hope that doesn't mean she knows that the reason she won't be sharing her room is because Mommy had a car accident.
When we first came home from the hospital and picked her up from Mom's, she wondered where her little brother was that she'd heard Mommy and Daddy talk so much about. Of course, I couldn't very well tell my three-year-old that some idiot ran a stoplight and t-boned that car, so I told her that he wouldn't be coming for a little while because the Stork said we weren't ready yet. She accepted it, but I know she knows something's wrong, especially with the way Mommy keeps crying and the fact that Daddy doesn't smile anymore.
Discouraged by her father's distance, she puts her toys away and retreats solemnly to her room. As I watch her door close slowly, despondently, my heart fills with anger. I walk determinedly to him and place my hands on my hips.
"How can you be so cold to your own daughter?" I say, and glare down at him. He doesn't even acknowledge my presence. "Der-ek!"
He stands up suddenly and his eyes are so intense that I'm terrified. "What do you expect me to do?" he shouts. "Do you expect me to be happy? Huh? What do you want from me?" His voice breaks, and I can see he wants to look away, but he keeps eye contact. I almost look away, ashamed, but I can't. This is the first time he's looked at me in a month.
My voice is quiet when I speak. "I want you to be happy with what you have, okay? You have a daughter who loves you, and all she wants is for her daddy to look down at her, smile, and say 'I love you,'" I say, and my eyes begin to fill with tears at the thought of my baby girl. "And you have me. You've had me from the beginning. You'll always have me. I love you more than anything in this world and that's never going to change." A tear slips down my cheek and I brush it roughly away.
Derek's entire being seems to collapse, then, and he pulls me in a tight embrace. "I know, Case," he says, his already quiet voice smothered in the crook of my neck. "I love you, too, and I'm sorry I haven't been acting like it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I feel something wet on my neck and I realize he's crying. I have never seen him cry. Ever.
I bury my face in his scent, relishing the feel of his scratchy neck where he hadn't shaved in two days. "I know it's hard," I say, and wonder if I'm trying to comfort him or me,"but you can't give up on us. We can get through this together. I know we can. We have to." I pull him closer to me when he cries harder. "You're not in this alone."
"I was just looking forward another kid running around the house so much. How can you love someone you've never even met? How can it hurt this much?" he says, and his words hit home; I begin to cry. "I feel like I'm drowning, Case, and there's no way out."
I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said or anything he doesn't know already, so I don't say anything at all. So we just stand there and hold each other, trying our best not to fall apart.
Hmm... yeah. Like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know! xD