I'm sorry for all this depressive writing, but... This fiction was actually a nightmare I had tonight when I wrote this (7-17-2013). Only it involved me, and my own friends and family. So my feels are all up in this.
Sorry if this one makes you hate me ^^;
WARNING(S): Angst. Character Death, OOC Characters. Dark Blindshipping Undertones. Suicidal Thoughts and/or Actions.
Overall feels overload.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot of this one-shot.
*Tap, tap, tap, tap*
There was a light knocking on my bedroom door.
It opened quietly.
"Yuugi?" my grandfather murmurs with sadness, "It's time to wake up."
"Not yet," I want to shout, "Not yet."
I want to, but I don't. I simply sit up in bed, away from the land of dreams that managed to blindside this cruel reality I call my life.
Another day, another death- It seemed to be a pattern, now.
Wake up, live in this Hell of a Society, pray, go through the day, pray some more, get ready for bed. Pray again. Go to sleep, and just hope to any God above that they aren't the same as last night. But they are. The nightmares. Of Him. Of Them.
My friends who are gone.
I'm burying another beneath the earth today. I don't want to go to the funeral, but I know there's no way I could stay away. I want to see him for a final time.
They are all leaving. And there's nothing I can do to stop it.
I hate it.
Anzu is living her dreams in New York City, across the world in America.
Ryuuji was killed when caught cheating in a gambling trip.
Honda has gone back to gang life.
Ryou moved in with Malik, in Egypt, after He left. They were both killed in a car accident last month.
Seto and Mokuba are busy running their company, and branching out. They haven't had much contact with me since I lost the title of King of Games.
Even that had been taken away from me.
Mai was murdered.
Any others? Most likely dead. That's where everyone seems to be headed, these days.
I get up slowly, and begin to dress myself for the funeral. This time, I'm putting my best, and first, friend in the ground.
Jounouchi was killed by his father in a drunken rage, two days ago.
I am silent throughout the whole ride to the church building. I never thought this was where I'd be today... Twenty, and already all of his friends and family are either dead, or dying.
Grandpa has cancer.
And soon, he'll be gone, too. And I'll be alone again.
They say I'm living in the past. That I need to grow up, and move on past Him. And I've tried, I promise, I have. You all have no idea how hard I have tried.
I have tried to ignore my bleeding heart.
I have tried to find someone else.
I have tried to take the days one step at a time.
I have tried to move on.
But I can't.
Because how can you truly part with the other half of your soul?
My head, my heart, and my spirit are all saying the same thing.
"Stay asleep," they all scream, "Please stay asleep. Never wake up."
Because waking up hurts. In the few good dreams I've had in the two years since He left, I remember smiling. And laughing. Because He was There. All of Them were There, too. All of us, together. Happy, frolicking, in the land of desperate dreams. We all were There. And I was happy.
Then I wake up, and I am no longer happy.
I cry and curse every deity and God and bane to my existence. I pray again. I pray that I can finally be happy again. Like when They were all There, by my side. When He still existed.
But no one will listen. No one ever will. Because who cares about a boy in love with his past?
He must be repulsed by me.
Everyone seems to be.
Every cell of my body says the same thing.
"Wet-eyed times are ahead, little Yuugi."
The funeral is quiet. I see Shizuka, and Ishizu, and Seto with Mokuba. I see his mother. I walk over, and respectfully offer my condolences. I tell her he was a good man, and how dear a friend of mine he was.
Then the funeral became loud.
I was slapped so hard that it sent me to the ground. Her nails left bleeding scratches in my cheek.
Then she screamed.
She screamed, asking that if I was such a close friend, if I was the 'One he always talked about', then where was I? Why hadn't I gotten some... feeling, that something was wrong? Why didn't I save him, like I had so many times in the past?
...
Why didn't I?
It was my fault Jounouchi was dead. That all them were dead.
My fault.
My... my fault...
I don't know what I said- I was distracted by that realization (My fault)- but I know whatever it was, it hurt. It had hurt her. I didn't want to do that. I didn't mean to. I explained that right after, and said it was my grief speaking, and that I was so, so sorry. But no one believed me.
Again.
They yelled, instead. I left quickly, unable to face my shames a moment longer.
Because it was my fault. All of this was my mistake.
I should have never met them.
I didn't deserve them, as what has been proven time and time again.
...Do wishes have lifespans, like living things do? If you pray and wish and beg above long enough, and it finally comes true, will it eventually die out, like the stars that have been wished on?
Because if they do, then mine died out a long time ago, Atemu.
I wished for friends that would never leave. Even if we were apart, we would still keep in contact. We would still be friends.
Isn't that what Anzu's smiling-face symbol had meant?
Or was it... all just a dream?
Was He just a dream? Am I going mad?
Or am I already insane?
It has been a week since Jounouchi's funeral.
I found Honda today. I haven't seen him in over three months.
And how do I see him today?
Begging me to help him, as I hold him in my arms and try to staunch the blood pulsing from his chest.
That was how I had found him. He'd been stabbed.
I called 911, talking to them while still uttering soothing words to my dying friend while crying and screaming to the rain-slicked streets for help.
Because my friend was dying.
Please stay awake, Honda, just stay awake. You're going to be fine. If you're going to be fine, then why am I crying? Because I... I'm just so happy and excited that you're going to be able to go home. To stay here, with your friends and family. And Shizuka, too. You're supposed to get married in a few months, right? Then you two are going to have that big family you would always talk about. A little girl and two boys, and a dog, in that house out by Domino Park, for them to play in.
Of course I remembered that. I'm your friend- it's my job to remember the small things like that. But, you've got to help me out a little, okay? Don't leave them alone. They need you, Honda. Shizuka already lost her brother, don't deny her a loving husband. You have much more worth than you know. No, the angels are not calling you. Not yet. You've still got that family to raise, right? Yes, you do. You do, Hiroto, you can't give up yet!
I know it hurts, but you have to fight it! You are stronger than this, Ra-damnit! The Hiroto Honda I know wouldn't give up so easily! I promise, I'll stop the bleeding. You're going to live.
Please, just stay awake. Don't die, please! Please!
No, you aren't going to say 'hi' to Atem for me! You. Are going. To LIVE. You're going to be fine! No! I'm not lying, Honda, please! Just stay awake! Don't...
Don't die...
Please...
Just don't die...
But he didn't listen.
He died in my arms, minutes before the ambulance arrived.
He didn't listen. He didn't grant my wish of staying alive, staying awake just a little bit longer.
But it's okay.
Because it was my fault, anyways. Even if it was indirect.
I didn't do enough to save him, like he had begged. I couldn't stop his pain. I couldn't stop the blood.
Just another family ruined at my hands.
And now another friend is gone.
The blood of my friends is stained into my hands.
I want to sleep tonight, and not wake up in the morning. Or any morning, for that matter. Because it hurts.
The night-terrors, the memories, the shame. I'm always... always alone now.
Jii-chan, my only family left, was claimed in his sleep two days after Jounouchi's funeral. He battled against pancreatic cancer for a year. And now he is also like the others.
Gone.
Now that I'm left to my own devices, I'm going fucking insane.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
When Honda is taken away, and I return home, I'm crying. The hot tears mingled with icy rain down my cheeks. I think I should call his fiancée. So I do.
It was the worst thing I have ever done.
Shizuka, I'm so sorry... I know it's my fault, so please don't try to tell me it isn't. Do not console me, when it is your right to be angry and to grieve. I understand that you don't want to talk much longer, and it's fine that you've rejected my offer to come over so you don't have to be alone.
I don't blame you.
Because it is you who should be blaming me.
I don't tell her that last part. I want to, but I say farewell and hang up before I have the chance to break down.
I'm sobbing and screaming into the nearest pillow. The blood-and-rain-soaked clothing I was wearing has been stripped and tossed to a random corner of my bedroom. I'm simply in a pair of nightpants now. I'm cold, and my skin is still glistening with water, but I don't care. All I can do is cry, and stare at the stale red coating my fingers and palms.
Honda's blood.
The blood I was unable to stop from flowing.
His blood is on my hands. Staining my heart and soul with impurities. Branding my mind with the face I could not- did not- save.
Honda's blood is, in all the meanings of the phrase, on my hands.
I have just killed... no.
I murdered one of my best friends. And I wasn't even the one who had stabbed him with a knife.
That sent shockwaves down my body, and I start to tremble again.
Gods, I just want to go Home. I want to see Him again.
I want to see my Mou Hitori no Boku.
How much longer must I deal with this Hell I'm living in?
Happy Holidays.
That's what people usually say, right?
Well... usually they have someone to say it to. They have friends and family. And they usually don't spend it crouched in the bathroom with a knife sliced into their arm like a crazy person.
They're not out of their minds, they aren't bleeding while writing in a diary, and they sure as Hell aren't watching their 'holiday cheer' manifest in the form of their life draining away on to the floor.
I haven't spoken to anyone in a week. I figured 'Why should I ruin their fucking Christmas?'
I'm writing this entry for a few reasons.
One, I have no friends or family left.
Two, because, in the slight chance I survive, I can look back and know what I did.
Three, because if I do die, I can leave a nice little suicide note of my life.
I guess it's just me now. So... welcome to your own fucking life, Yuugi Mutou.
I didn't die like I had planned.
As it turns out, Anzu had flown in from New York to visit her family. And me. She knows all that's happened back home and didn't want... me to feel alone.
The last thing I remember is falling to the ground, the blood pooling out onto the floor. I heard the door open, and somewhere far off... I heard a woman scream.
Merry Christmas, Anzu... I'm sorry for ruining your holidays.
You didn't have to save me. I was going to a place better than this.
Or...
...was I?
I remember, as I teetered on the tightrope between life and death, seeing Him. Them. All of Them. The friends whose lives I ruined.
They were irate.
They yelled.
I didn't belong there, They said. Not yet.
Atemu was crying, bawling out in pain and sorrow and anger. He demanded why I had been so stupid. So selfish.
I'm sorry, Atemu. I'm trying. I promise. But... nothing will change.
But I swear to the Gods that I am trying.
And, just for you... I am willing to try again.
It has been three and a half months since Honda died.
Shizuka committed suicide. She shot herself.
Seto and Mokuba have cut off all ties long ago.
Now Anzu won't speak to me. She refuses to. I don't blame her. Everyone I'm with leaves in the end. But... now I can't help but look back on highschool life. I remember I had games and my grandpa to turn to when things got tough. But now I'm not so naïve. Now that I know what it's like to have friends, and be loved... I am craving for that feeling again.
But it will never come again.
That thought makes me sad, and angry. I can't do this anymore, but obviously I'm not even welcomed in my own Afterlife. I am utterly and completely stuck.
I was so angry, and lost, and tainted by Darkness, that I considered grabbing a gun, finding the nearest thing to get a high off of, and ending my life in a twisted blaze of glory in the nearest populated area.
I am terrified of myself.
I need help, but no one will listen.
No one would believe the shit going on in my head. It's cold, and haunted. Now that I'm down from whatever had taken control, it's like a sick play I was watching in a theatre somewhere.
Thirty minutes ago, I could have killed someone.
Or even better...
...Myself.
It has been two months since my attempt at suicide, and the air is nippy with the transition between winter and spring. I caught myself calling a small greeting to Jii-chan when I walked through the door today. It made tears spring up into my eyes.
Because I'll never be able to see Them ever again, now, will I?
It's fucking horrible.
I haven't slept in three days, and I haven't eaten in four. I stopped eating properly years ago, but now... I've just quit, altogether.
I'm tired of living.
But life seems to enjoy my miserable company.
The shop has been closed. I am running short on resources, and because of rumours flying around after my interrogation involving Honda's death nearly six months ago, people are reluctant to hire me. I have sufficient funds for now, but one can only survive so long on what had originally been their life's savings.
Have I mentioned how much I hate living?
The Gods must loathe my very existence, to damn me so in my mortal life. My demons are turning into delusions. I can hear voices of the friends and family I killed, screaming in my ears. Tormenting me. Haunting me.
I can't believe I used to live such a lonely existence. Back before what I knew what it was like to actually live.
I want to scream, but my throat is already raw and sore. I want to blame Him. For filling my heart with such a light, yet crushing weight, known as the emotion of love.
I'd cut it straight from my chest, if it would make it stop.
The pain. The numbness. The sorrow.
I tried to reach out for help, one last time. I went to a therapist. I think it was a good step in the right direction.
You know what he did?
He fell asleep.
I've donated the rest of my belongings and money to local good-wills and organizations. I called up Anzu and the Kaibas, and Ishizu. The last ones I had ever considered friends on this Earth.
Anzu hung up the moment I told her what I was considering. I left another messege afterwards, apologizing for causing so much sorrow.
Seto thought I was screwing around, and yelled at me for acting so stupid and impulsive. I apologized for bothering him and work, and told him he and Mokuba could have my Duel Monsters deck, if they wanted.
I think he called the police.
I thanked Ishizu for helping Atemu and I when he was still stuck on Earth, and told her I was going to go see him again. She said she was sorry for all my pain, and did not blame me for her brother's death like I thought she did.
Then she said the Necklace had already shown her.
She knew this was going to happen. And that she had tried to intervene, but nothing worked. Nothing would change.
I said it was alright. I think she started to cry.
I am finally done.
Let them hate me. I'm going to sleep.
And I'm never waking up again.
So now We can all be happy in that beautiful place I know rests in the Beyond.
Eternity.
Even Oblivion would be a better fate than this.
'Suicide'? I'd prefer 'self-inflicted murder'. It wouldn't be the first life I have taken.
But my own will definitely be the last.
There are sirens quickly approaching.
I guess Seto really was concerned. Too late, though.
There's a bullet in the chamber, already.
Briefly, I wonder if it will hurt.
Someone is pounding on the door downstairs.
Please, I yell, don't come in yet. It can't be helped. I won't stop like you are commanding.
Fuck life. Fuck my former 'Gaming King' title. Fuck everything. I'm sick of it all.
I'm going to see the ones I love again.
Even if they no longer love me back.
Please, no! Just stay out! It will only be a second, I promise.
Plug your ears, and don't come upstairs.
I don't want you to see this.
The last thing I comprehend on this Earth is Him.
I am going to see my Mou Hitori no Boku again.
I am going to sleep.
I will never feel the pain of being awake again...
My finger closed on the trigger.
There was a bang, a flash of agony, and then nothing.
I am walking in the Darkness. It is cold. I can hope Anubis and Osiris will forgive my wrongs in the world below.
I see Light.
A voice.
My feet move to their own accord, following His voice like a dog returning to his Owner.
Because Atem owns my heart.
Tears are running down my face by the time I see Him. In the distance.
They are all There. My friends and family, as well as His. They look sad. Some look angry.
But they also understand.
Because now they know how hard I had tried.
His arms are strong and warm and smell of spices as they wrap around me. He is crying, and I can't look away from his beautiful crimson eyes.
I'm sorry, I say as They gather around me, I really, truly am.
I was stuck in my present and future. I had to grow up before I was ready, and move on past you all. And I tried, I promise, I did. You all have no idea how hard I tried.
I tried to ignore my bleeding heart.
I tried to find someone else.
I tried to take the days one step at a time.
I tried to move on.
But I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough.
I'm sorry, for doing what I did.
I am weak.
No, He says to me as They draw in close, You are strong. The World was cruel. The World was unfair. They are the weak ones, the ones below. They feared what was beyond their control, as well as my own. It wasn't my fault. They all forgive me.
I can dream freely again. Because, no longer, are They gone.
Because I am, now, too.
And that means that We are together again.
Welcome home, Aibou, my Yami says. We share a chaste kiss.
My tears are no longer scared and sad as my Family greets me, and brings me into Their arms, one by one.
Jounouchi, Honda, Shizuka, Ryou, Malik, Mai, Ryuuji, Grandpa. Everyone.
And for the first time in over three years..
I smile.
"'If Tears could build a stairway, and Memories a lane, I would climb up to Heaven and bring you Home, myself...'
...but since I can't bring You back, I will go to where You are. To where I am loved.
I will go Home."
Damn, the ANGST! S':
Please don't kill me.
(And FYI, the final paragraph is Yuugi's suicide note.)
Gods, I'm a horrible person! *sobs in a corner*
Favorite and Review, please!