In My Arms

by samsjazz

His best friend and love of his life left with little more than a note. He suffered for more than six months. And with as little notice as her leaving, she returned and altered his entire world. Now he has to try to forgive her betrayal and reform his life, now that it has been forever altered. Jacob's POV from Home Again

A quick look at Jacob's POV from the beginning of Home Again. Unbeta'd. Any and all mistakes are mine.

Ch. 1

From Despair to Rage

Staring; I'd been doing that a lot these days. I could normally be found staring up at the ceiling of my too small bedroom, or the ocean off of Second Beach (I rarely go to First Beach), sometimes I am staring down at La Push from the cliffs. I wasn't doing it out of boredom. No, I had things I could do to relieve boredom, I laid here, and hid from everyone I knew, lost in the thoughts and memories of her. I was only ever free to lose myself in the stinging memories of her in these desolate places.

She haunted me more than I'd ever care to admit. The pain she caused was more than I could deal with. It was heart shattering, gut wrenching, soul shredding pain. It had been hard enough to stay around those first two weeks after her disappearance where everything and everyone reminded me of her and what she threw away. I drove myself crazy thinking of all the reasons for her leaving, the note leaving nothing for me to grasp onto. Every single reason I came up with broke me just a little bit more because all of them led me to believe I just wasn't enough for her. But after she called only to tell her father she was alive and nothing more I couldn't take it anymore. I lost all control over my body or my wolf. Trying with all my might I couldn't keep my human form, the pain so strong I would crumble in gasping breaths and seconds later I'd be lying on the ground a whimpering, panting wolf. No matter how many times Sam ordered me to remain human my body broke and was replaced by the wolf.

I was told when I became a wolf that human emotions lessened but that day and the days following I found no relief as a wolf. She was gone and took my humanity with her.

Even my wolf was in pain and desperate for her to return. With my heart and body shredded, I ran. I knew that the others hadn't phased after the dozens of times Sam had ordered me to phase back. They couldn't take the emotions I was projecting in their wolf forms; their wolves were unable to process it. Without word to anyone I ran like she had. I left my pack, my father, my friends and the places that held memories of her.

As I ran the human part of me disappeared inside of my now soulless wolf. I lived as a wolf for a very long time. I hunted and slept exactly like any other wolf. But even as a wolf my thoughts still revolved around her and her leaving. I still thought of all the reasons she would leave like that without warning, with no trace. None of the reasons that I had come up ever soothed the pain. I imagined her death at the hands of the one who hunted her. The images always tore at my soul because I had failed her.

I was free of my pack's thoughts and I didn't know why. I could sense them but couldn't catch or decipher their thoughts into something I could understand and after a while I no longer cared. My mate had left me and I was doomed to be alone.

One day- I had no clue how long I'd been gone- I felt Sam's presence in my mind, more corporeal than it had been since my first days after running. In the strongest Alpha voice I had ever heard, he ordered me to come back home. He said I had been gone too long and I had duties to attend to. I wanted to disagree with him as my body turned mid stride and headed home. I hadn't been gone long enough. She was still gone and I still missed her. My wolf was still in pain and returning home wouldn't end that pain. Sam didn't care and he stayed phased until I stopped in the woods outside my home.

His wolf had approached me slowly and warily. He phased in front of me and then ordered me to phase back. Once I fell to the ground as a man he quickly ordered me not to phase back and then ordered that I wasn't allowed to leave the Reservation for any reason until he deemed it necessary. I was now trapped as a human and trapped in the place that was haunted with her.

Every emotion and thought I had lost as a wolf, along with the ones of the wolf slammed into me moments after Sam laid the orders down. Seconds later the agony caused me to lose the caribou I had eaten that morning. I then lifted my body and trudged into my house completely nude.

As I walked through the living room, on my way to my room, my father cried out in shock and joy at my return. I couldn't even feel glad I was seeing him again. His happy eyes and smile fell as he looked at me. He nodded at me as I walked to my room, collapsed on my bed and fell asleep where I dreamed about deathly pale skin and blood red eyes.

I awoke later in a cold sweat and I was shaking so violently I thought I was going to phase but I couldn't. Every time the fire licked up my spine it would stop and my tremors increased. All my muscles hurt with the inability to not phase. I don't know why this time Sam's order was keeping me from phasing when the last time he tried it hadn't worked for a minute.

I climbed out of bed and made my way shakily to the shower and turned it to cold. I hoped the cold water would calm me enough to quit shaking but the cold water only reminded me of the red eyed girl that awoke me. Quickly, I switched the water to as hot as it would go. Even if I didn't feel the burning heat it drove the image away with the heat. I then quickly washed away the thick layer of dirt and grime that covered the entirety of my body from my foray as a wolf.

I walked back to my room and sat on my now filthy bed. On my dresser across from me was a picture of me and Bella with our arms wrapped around one another and a brilliant smile lit her face and at that moment I did something I hadn't done for a very long time, something I fought when she first left and then I left as a wolf, I cried-sobbed actually- for hours. Morning her absence and possibly her death, it was killing me, her being gone from my life. I didn't know how to live without her around. She was my everything and her being gone took all that was important about me with her.

What was worse is she wasn't the first woman in my life to leave me she just happened to be the latest. My mother left me before I had even turned ten on a run to the store to get milk for the next morning's breakfast. She never came back and I never got to tell her that I loved her or say goodbye. I was old enough at the time to understand that she was gone but not the effect it would have on me. Next to leave were my sisters. When the pain of my mom being gone became too much, and when they were old enough to do so, they left me and my father. And while they weren't totally gone I rarely saw or spoke to them. I had last seen Rebecca when she had visited last summer. And before Rachel moved back after Paul's imprint, I had seen her once after she left. She had come back for her first Christmas break and then for every following break she had found ways to just stay away.

With Bella's leaving, it had made the feelings of inadequacy grow and compound. I truly believed I had never been enough for the women in my life to stick around; never had I been enough for them to make me an important person in their lives. And while rationally I knew it was wrong, at the moment in my grief I believed it whole heartedly.

Billy heard me and wheeled himself into my room. He leaned down and pulled at me from under my arms until I lifted my head into his lap and cried some more. He stroked my hair and shushed me like he did when my mom died. He whispered unimportant words to calm me and console me. As my sobs subsided I looked up at him helpless.

"I don't know how to do this dad. I don't know how to live in this world without her. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think. I feel like I've been gutted and strangled at the same time. The thought of another day without her feels like I'm looking at a black hole that is sucking everything from me." I cried out desperate for him to take the pain away, to make me better.

"Jake, son, it's been nearly ten years since your mother left this world and I still feel like that at times. I could tell you that it will get better, that you won't miss her as time goes on. But I won't lie to you; you will probably always miss her. All I can tell you is that you will learn to live with this pain and you will find things funny again, you will learn to enjoy the things life brings you despite the pain, just like she did when the leech left her, you will one day go days without thinking about her, and maybe one day you will find another to fill the void she left." And though his words didn't sound very positive they did offer a bit of hope. If my father could live after the loss of my mother then I could eventually learn to live without Bella. Finally my tears stopped and I asked him a question that had been gnawing at me since Sam ordered me to return

"Dad, how…how long was I gone?"

"Four months, son," he told me solemnly.

"I'm sorry. I-I…should have come back sooner. I-I shouldn't have left you alone like that." I said ashamed that I had left my father for that long. Though I now knew how long I had been gone, I still couldn't equate time with my departure. What had felt like a decade in hell was a relatively short time away. Yet when I thought about her being gone, about her being away from me four months, it felt like an eternity.

"It's okay son, I understand. You're back now." He said as he patted my shoulder. I pulled away from him and sat on my heels.

"Glad you're back." He said and wheeled out of my room.

I took a deep breath and then stood and turned to my bed. I pulled off the soiled sheets and blankets and put them in the wash. I then returned to my room and cleaned it. As I cleaned it I removed any mementos that was connected with Bella and shoved them into the bottom of my dresser. Each time I touched something that carried her image or event a trace of her scent it was like knives were being slowly sliced through my heart. When I had finished cleaning my room and removing her from it, I looked around, like me; my room was empty and lifeless without her in it.

I left my room then and walked out into the kitchen to get something to eat. When I entered Dad, Rachel and Paul were sitting at the table eating lunch. As soon as she saw me she jumped up from her chair and flung her arms around me and squeezed me as hard as she could.

"I am so happy you're home, little brother." Rachel said into my ear, her voice thick with emotion.

"Good to see ya too Rach," I responded back unable to agree with her about me being home. Even now that I'm back and I've seen my father and sister I still wanted to escape. Escape the home that now felt like a prison surrounded by memories that were tearing me apart. I nodded a greeting to Paul, grabbed one of the large muffins at the table and walked out of the house.

I marched down the steps and I instinctually turned to go to my garage. As I reached the door I was hit like a sledge hammer with dozens of memories of her. I couldn't go in there so I walked down to the beach making sure to avoid a certain part of the beach. I walked around the tide pools. When the beach started to fill with people trying to enjoy to somewhat nice day I headed back home.

I spent the next two weeks holed up in my room avoiding everyone except my dad, Rachel and Paul- not that I had any say in that, I really didn't miss him- and then I only saw them at meals.

After the two weeks were up Embry, Quil and Seth barged into my room, pulled me out of bed and then over to the Uley's. They said they refused to let me hide away for the rest of my life, and then they said I could live like she did when the leech left her and they weren't going to let me.

I quickly became re-enmeshed into pack life. I spent nearly every day at the Uley's or hanging out with my brothers. The pain didn't go away but I was laughing again. Sometime after they had dragged me out of my room I was able to go back into my garage and I started working on cars again to earn some money. Every time a memory would try to force its way into me I would work twice as hard to shove them back.

After a while I wanted to just turn my pain into hate. I wanted to hate her for leaving me and making me this way. I wanted to hate her for putting these horrible images in my head and having them haunt me every time I tried to sleep. Or worse see the future that was now lost. The future I saw with only her in it and then wishing her dead because it would never come true. I wanted to hate her for the fact that every time I closed my eyes all I saw was her beautiful smile when I wanted to see anything but.

The guys and dad all wanted me to date. See what else was out there but every time I looked at another girl I would match her to Bella. Either point out her stark differences or cringe at the similarities. No other girl ever compared and I knew they never would because all I could ever see was the girl that was gone.

I was still staring at the ceiling when Embry walked in. He asked me if I was going to Sam's and I agreed as Rach and Paul would be there and Dad was over at Charlie's. Charlie had been happy that I had returned but I could still see the pain in his eyes as he looked at me. For him I was a reminder of who left, just as he was the same for me. I had yet to even go near his house since I had heard that phone call all those months ago or in the two months that I had been back.

I was sitting at the table at Sam's, listening as Quil told another stupid joke when there was a knock at his door. Seeing as all the pack and imprints were at the table we had no idea who it was. Their scent hadn't traveled into the house yet. Sam got up to answer the door as Quil finished his punch line that required him to jump around like a monkey.

"Quil quit acting like an idiot and sit your ass down." I laughed out at his antics. Sam had been quiet the entire time. I had heard the door open but no sound after.

Curious at who it could be I asked, "Hey, Sam, who's at the door?" He didn't respond.

Not a moment latter I heard "I was wondering if I could speak with you, privately." Come from the only person I hadn't expected to hear. Her voice was quiet, nervous and rushed. It sent ice through my veins and stole the air from my chest. Every wolf in the room grew quiet as they heard it as well, the girls growing alarmed at the sudden silence. Then we heard: "Out of hearing distance, please?" The next sound I heard was the front door closing, causing the scent I missed and had tried to hide from to waft into the house. I felt like I had been hit with a bulldozer.

No one said anything, they just stared at me eyes wide with shock. Emily, Rachel and Kim looked confused. Of course they didn't hear her.

"What the hell is going on? Why does Jake look he's just seen a ghost and been hit with a hammer. Why do you all look like that? Who was at the door?" Rachel asked bewildered.

"Bella," Was all Paul said and I bolted away from the table. I couldn't be there and listen to what they were going to say. They had learned after I got back it was best not to mention her at all. Not long after Quil, Embry and Seth had drug me out of my room that first time, Paul had been some horrible things about her and how he always knew she'd break me like this. He didn't even see my fist coming as I cracked his nose and cheek bone. Sam and Quil pulled me off of him before I could get another hit but no one said anything about her since.

I couldn't sit still either so I ran outside and just paced the front of the house. I don't think shock was even close to what I felt. She was back. She had come back, and I knew she hadn't been back long. I don't even know if she went to see Charlie yet. I doubt he would have let her leave so soon after she had come back if she did see him. I know I wouldn't have.

So she was back and the first fucking thing she does is goes to Sam? Didn't come to see me or Charlie first? Sam? Did she really not love me at all, that I wasn't even a consideration for her? I fixed her, I loved her completely and blindly and she leaves without a fucking word and when she comes back, again without a word, it is not to see me, the person she left. No, it's to see Sam? Fuck.

I was furious. How dare she do this to me? If she thought she was going to get out of talking to me, she was sorely mistaken. As soon as those two came back I was going to get some fucking answers from her, no more running away. So as my pain turned to rage I paced the Uley's front yard. Back and forth I marched waiting for their return. My fury increasing in ways it has never before. All the reasons I thought that she had left me before, raced through me and new ones popped up feeding my wrath.

Finally, after what felt like forever, I heard them walking back from the beach. I moved to the steps and sat down put my knees up and my elbows on my knees so that I could put my head in my hands. I needed to collect myself or wasn't going to get what I needed from her. The effort of sitting still had me tense as I heard their steps nearing. I could hear her breath catch as she caught sight of me, but I still didn't look up at her. I tensed more as they walked closer, as her scent hit me. It was still as amazing as ever but there was something different about it that I couldn't place.

"I'll go take care of it right away, it'll be okay Bella." I heard Sam tell Bella still some distance away from me. What the hell was that about? I waited for us to be alone, not ready for any of the pack to see me when I first took her in. I heard Sam as he walked past me and then clapped me on the shoulder in a show of support. Meaning, what she had to tell me would require support. I heard her nervously shuffle her feet in the dirt and I angrily rubbed my face in an effort to collect my thoughts.

"What the hell Bella!" My voice was ablaze as I rubbed my face before looking up at her. She was already looking down, too afraid to even look at me.

I quickly began to repeat what I had said as she had yet to speak. "What-…," but I stopped what I was going to say as I took in her altered appearance. It shocked me and I felt something when I saw her, something that was shaking me from within, it the time she'd been gone her body had changed. "…huh…you look different, you're…you've changed." It wasn't enough that someone who didn't know her like I did wouldn't notice the changes, but I did know her and I saw every change.

I could see as she cataloged changes to herself, changes she believe I must be seeing. "Huh," fell quietly from her lips in response.

"You look different…your hips…are wider and you've filled out more in places…you look older."I tried to explain, motioning to the areas of change without outright saying 'your boobs are huge and you have a little belly and your hips are delicious looking and I bet if you turned your ass would be spectacular'. I figured that wouldn't get me anywhere. She had more cushion and I liked it, she looked healthier.

"Yeah well things happen, people change, they age, and I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to take that Jake." She responded back sounding a little hurt. I let out an exasperated sigh knowing her appearance had gotten me off topic.

"What's going on Bella, you've been gone for six months and sixteen days with only one phone call to Charlie months ago just telling him you're alive, what the hell was that. You come back and the first fucking person you see is Sam?" I bit out.

"Jake, I…," She started but stopped and seemed to be trying to figure out what she wanted to say still never looking up to meet my eyes I had a feeling what she was going to be bad if she was afraid to look at me. "I came to see Sam first because yesterday Victoria found me. I wanted to ask him if he could have the pack protect me again. He agreed."

Oh so Victoria was the reason she came back, figures, but, hell, that vamp bitch had been after since forever and she was after her when she left. Did she really expect Victoria not to look for her?

"What a load of bullshit Bella. Victoria was after you before you abandoned me, the pack, and Charlie. You still left. What, you thought she wouldn't find you? I know even you weren't that naïve; then again what do I know, you've changed." I snapped with a growl. I wanted answers and I was sick of this meek shit. I could hear the others in the house whispering about my talk with Bella but I really didn't care if they heard. I stood up because I couldn't sit anymore.

"I know that Jacob. I never expected her to not find me; I just thought I had more time is all and I didn't come back to have Sam to protect just me. I'm not the only one in danger anymore." She finished meekly but it was her last statement that set me off. What the fuck did she me she wasn't the only one. Was that what I smelled? Someone had traveled with her? What did she get a new little toy to fuck with when she was wherever the fuck she was and now she was asking my pack to help.

"What the fuck! Victoria finds you and you come running back and ask Sam to protect you and your new boy toy or something? That's real fucking rich Bella; you run away and come back to ask me to protect the new fucking boyfriend. I never thought you would be so fucking vindictive." I yelled and I watched as her jaw dropped, her gaze still glued to the ground in front of her.

"Or something…"She started and then paused. I was confused at what she was saying. "Jake, I needed him to protect something other than a boy toy. There is no boyfriend. I asked Sam to protect my daughters." I choked on the breath that I had been inhaling at the moment and froze. I couldn't comprehend what she had just said. I heard all sound stop in the house behind me but I still couldn't understand what she had said. I replayed the words.

"What did you just fucking say?" I roared out. I was angry, scared, hurt, amazed and so many other things I couldn't understand because the words 'my daughters' were running a continuous loop through my mind. I knew she wasn't lying but the idea of it all was too much to fully take in.

"I said, I asked Sam to protect my babies from Victoria. Their safety was more important to than seeing you first. You were second on my list." She said shakily but still 'my daughters' was screaming through my very confused mind.

"You have daughters, as in plural?" I asked as I felt my voice thickening around the lump that was forming. I was trying to do math in my head but I wasn't thinking clearly enough to ever formulate the answer. I was beyond hurt that she would have children- the plural part still blew me away- without telling me.

"Yes, twin girls." She said almost reverently. Twin girls my brain repeated, like my sisters are. She was gone six months. She had twins like my sisters are and was gone six months. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. I'm…I'm…-

"How…- huh…- what…- when…- who?" I tried to ask but my brain-mouth connection was still a little fuzzy beyond all the shock that I was going through today.

"I was pregnant when I left, between three-and-a-half to four months. I gave birth about six weeks early almost two months ago." She said simply as stating a fact and not, now, telling me that…- The fury I was feeling before bloomed anew.

"Is that why you left me, because you were pregnant?" I asked around the hurt I still felt. She had known when she left and didn't tell me. She kept my children from me. I couldn't even describe the hurt and betrayal that was rolling through me along with the fury. And still she couldn't fucking look at me. Like a coward she stared down at the god damned dirt beneath her feet like it would give her the answers.

"Yes, I left because I was pregnant with our child – well, children." She answered defensively and cracking. She was defending herself from something but I really didn't care. Anger became my controlling emotion.

"Fucking Christ, Bella why the fuck would you do that to me, to them, hell even to yourself? Did you think at all about what that would do to us, to me? Did you really think so little of me that you assumed I wouldn't take care of you and our child; that I wouldn't support you and the babies? Tell me!" And again the feeling of not being enough for her hit; never fucking enough for her, not even when she is having my children.

"God Jake, no I didn't think that, I will never think that…"She started to back pedal but I interrupted her.

"Then why the fuck did you leave with my children? Why did you leave at all? Why did you leave me?" My voice cracked as I asked the last of my questions, but I was still angry with her.

"I was scared, I did what I thought was best. I did it out of love." She whispered and I almost laughed. The shit she put me through, there was no way in hell you did that to someone because you loved them.

"That's bullshit. You left without giving me a say in my children's lives and you believe you did it out of love. You don't leave someone like that out of love. You fucking know that better than anyone. You know your precious leech didn't love you and that's why he left. If that's you're the excuse you're giving for leaving then you didn't love me. Why did you really leave, to go find him? But he stayed gone so you came running back to your second choice, my children in tow."Abject rage was rolling out of my throat as I called her out on her bull shit.

Her voice snapped back at me in almost the same amount of anger. "God you can be a real freaking idiot. I didn't leave to go find Edward. This has nothing to do with him. I am over him. I left because I love you. I know it doesn't make sense to you now and maybe it never will but at the time it made perfect sense to me and it was all I could think to do to make your life easier. Do I regret what I did? Absu-freaking-lutly. My reasons for leaving were important then. I believed I was leaving to make the life of the man I loved easier, even if it made mine harder."

"What you did to me," I growled out, my body shaking in fury, "you don't do to someone you love." I bit out cuttingly.

"What do you want me to say, that I didn't love you and that's why I left? 'Cause it's not true. I do love you but fear took control and I acted without thinking. Do you want me to say I was wrong and I made the worst decision of my life? Yes, I was and it was a horrible decision on my part. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I have regretted it every second for more than six months. But don't for one fucking second believe or imply that I don't love you with everything that I am." I could hear the hurt in her voice but I refused to acknowledge it. I wasn't going to give in to her any time soon. She had a lot of shit to make up for before I did.

"Look Jake, I'll give you every reason and every fear that made me leave but I won't right now. We are both too emotional right now and I need…" Did she seriously just say what she fucking needed?

Before she could continue I cut in. "You need? I don't give a shit right now about what you need; I want to know where my daughters are." I yelled at her, my daughters were my only priority at the moment. If she was here, where the hell were they? I didn't want them unprotected from the red headed any longer.

"There with Charlie and Billy at my house. I need to get back to feed and bathe them. I told our dads I wouldn't be that long and it's been longer than I intended. I know we have a lot to talk about but I told them I'd make them dinner. How would you like to come over for to meet your daughters and have some dinner?" She said softly and calmly, her tone so very different from the defensive anger of before.

There was so much in what she just said that threw me. First off she had gone to Charlie first. Why he had let her out of his sight, I now understood. He was watching his granddaughters. That still blew me away. My girls. I am a father. Not only that, but my father knew, he got to meet them, hold them. Now Bella was inviting me over to meet them. I didn't know what to say to her. I had gone through too many emotions too quickly and had no time to process what had happened. I felt as drained as I did the day that I came back. As I was thinking of what to say to her, I noticed she started walking to her car.

I was just about to run after her and stop her from leaving when she turned back to me from the door of her car still looking down. "Jake, dinner will be done in about an hour and the girls won't go to bed for another two. If you want to come great. If you still need time I understand, but you're welcome to see them anytime." She climbed into her car and drove away from me.

Once she was out of sight I turned and walked into the woods. I could have gone into the house but they were going to ask questions I didn't have answers for or make comments that would cause me to want to beat their stupid asses. I needed to process all that I had learned in the last hour or so.

I felt like I was shell shocked. Like all the sounds around me were muted and distorted by the words she had spoken as they reverberated around my skull. My body was at war under the vacillating emotions raging through me. I had no choice but become wolf. It was the only way to make sense out of the cluster fuck that had now become my life. I striped and tied my shorts to my ankle and phased.

I ran the forest as I tried to make sense of everything I was told. It was easier as the wolf. My wolf didn't feel the betrayal or rage at her departure. I could see the basic facts of everything she said. She was afraid when she found out she was pregnant and in a vain attempt at trying to make my life easier she left and stayed away until Victoria found her yesterday. While away she gave birth to my daughters. I was going to go over to Charlie's and meet them, hold them. She was going to give me answers to all my questions.

I ignored my wolf as he howled in happiness every time the image of Bella's new body was brought forth. As much as I agreed with him about Bella's new post baby body, I had more to deal with than how amazing her breasts were. He was overjoyed that our mate was back and even happier that we now had offspring. He was content with everything while I was still upset about her absence. I knew she had a lot to explain to me but I was excited and nervous to meet my daughters and so I began heading towards Forks. As I phased back and put my shorts on a new and unfamiliar feeling began bubbling up in my chest as I walked towards the house that held my Bells and my girls.