Trying to figure out how everyone was related in Fairy Tail was always fun, especially when those involved were tipsy.
Gray took a shot. "So, I'm not related by blood, but Ur was Ultear's mom."
A scarlet-haired mage next to him growled. Erza was not a happy drunk, they all knew, but it was still interesting to see what she'd say. "And Ultear controlled my Jellal and messed up the Tower of Heaven."
Laxus, also quite drunk, opened his mouth. "And Mystogan, who took care of Wendy and who I fought, was actually Jellal from another world. Oh! And, if we're going with Edolas, Jellal was the son of a mad king who may or may not have been that world's version of my dad."
"And, Jellal and Erza are obviously in love," Wendy chimed in obliviously as the Requip mage shifted awkwardly in her seat, "And I used to like Edolas Jellal… But Earthland Jellal is more like a parent than someone I have a crush on… But now I like Romeo, but Chelia tells me that Doranbolt likes me but that's weird because he's like way too old, plus the weird Tenrou thing..."
Erza tried to stab the girl as Gray held her back. Carla's voice cut in sharply. "Who gave Wendy liquor?" Cana sneezed from across the room.
Happy managed to drag the other Exceed and her Dragon Slayer away. Cana gestured after the blue cat. "And he's clearly in love with Carla."
Pantherlily chimed in. "And her mother sent a hundred children to Earthland, and banished me." He was remarkably sober, sticking to a kiwi rather than any alcohol, unlike most of the guild.
About half of the guild looked very confused. "Wait," Macao chimed in reluctantly, "what's an Edolas?"
Romeo, his son, sighed. "Look, dad, can we go back to figuring out how we're related?"
Wakaba and Macao recoiled. "We're not related! We," Wakaba drunkenly gestured to himself and his drinking partner, somehow including Elfman in the sweep, "check out all the girls here enough that it'd be weird if we were related. They're just too damn sexy-" He was cut off as Evergreen's eyes turned him, Macao, and Elfman to stone with a single glance.
The Raijinshuu mage sighed disdainfully. "Oh, I'm so breaking up with Elfman after this…" Mira fainted. "And as for the Thunder God Tribe, I hate all your guts, especially Erza…" Freed had the mage in question locked inside Jutsu-Shiki at that point, "Bixlow's just weird, and Freed clearly has a giant gay crush on Laxus."
Freed turned bright red and stammered. Laxus pushed him aside as he reached for another mug. "And then there's Mavis, who founded the guild, had a thing for Zeref, and apparently killed my great-grandma. And my dad, who was trying to find her in Fairy Heart, and kill the rest of us if he had to."
"But at least he wasn't affiliated with the Balam Alliance," Makarov chimed in hopefully.
"They aren't all bad, you know," Erza said, still coherent but by this point, totally unthinking. "Richard is nice, and most of the Seis aren't jerks when I go to visit Je-" Gray froze her mouth as a Magic Council worker walked in to drop off the next batch of incident reports.
"Anyways, Zeref has a creepy obsession with Natsu… I mean, it kinda seems like he wants to make out or someth-" Cana was abruptly soaked by a bucket of freezing water as Lisanna drenched her. "As I was saying, and Zeref created all those demons, which is just- hic- weird, 'cuz apparently he's pretty nice mosta the time…"
Lisanna piped up. "I was going to marry Natsu once, but then-" Cana got her revenge as she tossed a mug of lukewarm beer onto the youngest Strauss's dress, prompting Lisanna to go and change.
Natsu grinned. "I fought all of you, and a whole bunch of other people, and I beat most of them!"
"Except me," Gildarts noted, strolling in and hugging Cana before grabbing a job flyer and dragging Mira off to log it.
"And you needed Gajeel's help to beat me", Laxus yawned.
"I can beat you right now if you want me to-" Lucy pulled him down.
"Well, my father paid Gajeel's guild to attack Fairy Tail in order to get me back, and Gajeel beat up Shadow Gear..."
Jet and Droy glowered at him while Levy beamed, hanging onto his arm. "But I forgave him 'cuz he's soooo hot…" She giggled. "No, wait, it's Natsu and Romeo who are hot, because like fire and all… Gajeel is more sexy though. Like, I wanna do-" Lucy put a hand over her friend's mouth, then went back to Natsu as soon as Levy stopped trying to talk.
The rest of Shadow Gear's glares grew deeper as Gajeel ruffled her hair before picking her up. "You should go to bed, Shrimp."
Levy reached up, tugging at his hairband. "And I just lovvveeee it when he calls me nicknames, 'cuz it makes me feel like he cares about me, and I kissed him anyways and…"
The entire guild stared at the mage. Gajeel's eyes went wide. "Wait, Shrimp, you kissed me?" She nodded before cuddling into his coat and falling asleep. He sighed. "Damn, I wish I was awake for that." He began to walk in the direction of Fairy Hills.
Jet and Droy dissolved into tears. "But… But I love you, Levy-chaaaan!" Droy yowled before someone gave him a pack of jerky to chew on.
Juvia appeared stalkerishly behind Gray. "Gray-sama belongs to Juvia! Not love rival!" She glared at Lucy, who sighed. Lyon just as suddenly appeared behind her, declaring his everlasting love, as Chelia tugged on his sleeve, crying.
Cana yawned. "This party is boring. I'm gonna go find Bacchus and have a few drinks."
Erza slammed against the wall of runes. "No! Don't go out with him! He's weird! But not as bad as Ichiya. Ichiya is waaaay worse, like, totally evil, except he's actually not, he's just creepy and-" Freed made the Jutsu-Shiki soundproof.
"But at least Hibiki is hot… and single," Lisanna commented as she walked back into the guild. Mira went into Satan Soul immediately.
"He used to be Karen's lover, which was weird because she and I had a bit of a thing," Loke commented as he opened his own gate. "But I will say, he was pretty good with his-" Lucy forced his gate shut.
"Spirits are weiiiiirrrdddd," Romeo commented as he took a shot. Natsu immediately went over, taking the liquor away from him. Romeo's eyes went wide. "Heyyyy, did you know that Wendy liiikes me?"
"Seriously! What is it with the kids getting the alcohol tonight!" Cana, on her not-date with Bacchus, sneezed, and passed the eight-year-old sitting behind her a flask.
"So wait, Jellal is doing it with Erza who's not doing it with Ichiya or Bacchus, but Cana might be with Bacchus, and Juvia likes Gray but Lyon likes her and Chelia likes Lyon and Chelia is Wendy's best friend and Wendy likes Romeo but Mest likes her and she has an overprotective princess Exceed who Happy is in love with but both of them are from another world as is some weird version of Jellal and a king who's really Makarov so Jellal is like my brother or something and then this world's Jellal got manipulated by Ultear who's Ur's daughter and Ur raised Gray and Lyon and Lucy's dad is a dick and the Raijinshuu is weird and the Oracion Seis is just misunderstood and they work with Jellal and I'm guessing Meredy, and Loke was in a relationship with Karen and Hibiki at the same time and this all adds up to Freed is gay?" Laxus took a deep breath before passing out on a table.
Lucy held onto Natsu's arm. "At least our relationship is simple, right?"
Far away, Zeref sneezed.
A/N Apparently this is what happens when you drink tea late at night. Wow. I wanted to put more in, but I'm too lazy, so yeah. Also, literally everyone in Fairy Tail has some connection to everyone else… So I tried to figure it out… And I'm now hopelessly lost.
Bye,
Tsubaki