10 Things You Wouldn't Expect Kenshin to Do, a rurouni kenshin fanfic

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN RUROUNI KENSHIN, ALAS... T_T

Better late than never, I always say. :D

I recently got back into Rurouni Kenshin after seeing only WAY less than half of the series... several years after it went off the air, and am currently writing another Kenshin fanfic of a more serious note, but I wanted to be able to picture Kenshin in a more normal human way, so I decided to write THIS. -points down-

Thanks for all reviews, ahead of time! Me hearts reviews. xD

And I'm afraid I'm much funnier in person, or in chat... but I wanted to try being funny anyways. And my husband test read this, and he laughed at it, so hopefully you guys will too! =D

Slight Avatar: The Last Airbender and Bon Qui Qui references. =3 Heehee!

I decided I wanted to write this a little differently than has been the norm for this kind of thing. After each number I state the thing you would never expect Kenshin to do, and then I wrote up a scenario for you to add to the LOL's.

So grab some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy!

10 Things You Would Never Expect to see Kenshin Doing

10. Getting a massage

-scenario-

Kenshin decided to take a break from the "family" at the Kamiya Kasshin dojo. He needed to do something for himself. But what? He was walking around town, browsing the different shops and things to see what would catch his eye. It had to be something relaxing. Something fun. But what? He walked past the bath house. 'Done it!' He thought to himself. What else was there? The choices in this part of town were bleak indeed. Then he spotted it! A spa! "Perfect!" He said quietly, checking how much money he had. Checking over his shoulders, and noting the coast was clear, Kenshin went inside.

-inside-

"A little lower; a little lower. To the left some... and down a little more. A taaad more... THERE! Aaaaaah, yeah! That's the spot, girlfriend! Ororororororo, that feels incredible! Orororororororo." Kenshin lay on his stomach, clothes off. A young woman with her hair up, and sleeves pulled back massaged Kenshin's butt with her elbows. Kenshin's eyes were closed in contentment and his mouth turned upward in a silly, dopey grin, as he purred like a kitten. "Is that it, Kenshin-san?" Kenshin groaned, nodding his head. "Orororororo."

9. Having a spit contest

-scenario-

Yahiko, Sano, Kaoru and Kenshin all stood in a line in front of the dojo. Hands on hips, and upper bodies reared back, the contest was about to begin. Megumi stood off the the side, a hanky in one hand. "On your mark; get set! GO!" She dropped the hanky on the ground. All four contestants started hacking up a lung and spitting towards a tree, 16 feet in front of them.

"HCHCHCAACK, PTUU!"

After several seconds of this, they stopped. Kenshin and contestants made a wide berth around their spit and went forward to see who had won.

"I win!" Yahiko declared, jumping up and down. "Not so fast, kid, obviously I won, look, that's my spit!" Sano said, pointing a little blob of spit. "Oh, yeah? Kaoru said, clobbering Sano and Yahiko on the head. "Who says thats your spit? It's mine!" Kaoru shouted, veins popping out on her forehead. "Look, oro. You are all mistaken. This blob of spit, which is the farthest, is obviously mine." Kenshin declared, kneeling down beside the farthest blob of spit and pointing. The others quickly gathered around to inspect. "You can't say that's yours!" "How can you tell it's yours!" "Are you blind, that's mine!" "Your such a liar, Kenshin!" They all started talking at once, clabbering to be heard over the others. "Quiet! And I'll tell you how I know it's mine." When they all shut up, they looked at Kenshin with wide, expectant eyes, some with fists ready. Kenshin pointed at the blob of spit. "You can see that the bubbles in the spit make an obvious "x" shape. So this spit blob can belong to none other than me, oro!" Huge sweat drops appeared on all three, and then each head made contact with the ground. Kenshin just knelt there, grinning like an idiot.

8. Singing in the shower

-scenario-

Kaoru could not believe her eyes. And actually, her jaw dropped. Kenshin was standing under a bucket, a loincloth around his waist and covering... things. The bucket was right side up, and the bottom had holes punched in it and water was flowing out. Kenshin was scrubbing under his armpits, the goofiest look on his face. And he was singing. "I'm siiiiinging in the rain. Just siiiiinging in the rain! What a wooonderrful feeeeling, I'm haaappy again!" Kaoru turned around, covering her mouth, trying not to let the torrent of giggles burst out. "Hey, is that Kenshin singing in the shower?" Sano walked up and asked. Kaoru nodded her head, and glanced over her shoulder at Kenshin. "The suuuns in my heart..." His voice cracked. Kaoru and Sano burst out laughing, and fell to their knees, clasping each other and holding each other up. "Oro?" Kenshin abruptle turned around to see two of his friends pointing and laughing at him. On the ground. Almost rofling. Kenshin's face turned bright red as he grabbed his towel and covered up, slinking away in shame and embarressment.

7. Playing dress up

-scenario-

Suzume's sister was sick. She'd skinned her knee the day before, and now she was running a slight fever and grandpa was doctoring her. Suzume frowned. She needed someone to play with her! Looking around the dojo, she spotted no potential playmates. Guess she would have to search. The little girl started walking around and inside the dojo, seeking out a playmate. Inside the main room where all the swordsmanship practice went on was Yahiko and Kaoru. They were sparing together, and getting pretty into it, throwing insults at each other after one landed a blow. Suzume giggled at their silliness and walked in. "Hewwo, everybody! Wanna come pway wif me?" She asked in her adorable little girl way. "Not NOW Suzume-chan!" "Owe!" Kauro landed a blow on Yahiko. "We're kind of BUSY!" Yahiko replied, wacking Kaoru back. "Awe!" Suzume hung her head down and walked away. Who else would play with her? She wondered as she continued her search. Sano! Suzume ran through the dojo, calling the lazy cheep-skate's name. The little girl found him just about to leave the dojo. "Hey, Sano, wanna come pway wif me?" She asked, jumping up and down, hands in the air. "You are too cute, Suzume, but I was just about to leave. Maybe another time, ok?" "PWEASE, Sano-chan? My sistew is sick, and gwandpaw is wooking aftew hewr, and Yahiko and Kaoru areh too busy fighting." Sano sighed, and patted her head. "I'm afraid I really can't right now, I promised some guys I'd meet them at the hall today. But why don't you ask Uncle Kenny to play with you? I saw him falling asleep in the back. I'm sure he'd love to play with you as long as you ask REAL nice!" He smiled sweetly at her, then turned and walked out.

Grinning happily, Suzume ran to the back and found Uncle Kenny just as Sano had said. She ran up to him and started pulling on his pant leg. "Uncle Kenny, Uncle Kenny, wake up, wake up!" She said loudly. "Huh?" Kenshin sat up, blinked and rubbed his eyes. "I must have fallen asleep. What is it, Suzume-chan?" He smiled sweetly at the child. Turning on all her powers of cuteness, Suzume opened her eyes wide as saucers, clasped her hands in front of her, pouted her mouth as much as possible, and said, "Uncle Kenny, no one wiww pway wif me! Wiww yooou?" Suzume pleaded, her eyes sparkling. Kenshin laughed and put a hand on her head. "How could I say no to a face like that? What do you want to play, Suzume-chan?" "Dress up! Come on, Uncle Kenny!" Suzume grabbed his hand and began to skip off with him, giggling merrily. "Ororo."

-2 hours later-

"Come on, baby, lets go to the market now." Suzume tugged on Kenshin's hand, and began to walk around the room. Kenshin's face was beat red as he looked down at himself. Since he'd agreed to play with sweet Suzume, he forced himself to wear a big diaper, and let her put his hair up ALL in bows. He was also wearing the baby obi Suzume could find that fit him. "Ok, we're going to the market." "NO, Uncle Kenny! That's not how you talk when you are dress-up baby!" "Orororo!" Kenshin groaned, gulping. "Otay, we ah goin' to da mawket..." Kenshin grimaced, eyeing Suzume hopefully. She gave him her best little girl glare. "...mommy." Kenshin said, falsetto. Suzume grinned from ear to ear. "You're such a GOOD baby, Ken-chan!"

6. Fantasizing about Kaoru

-scenario-

Kenshin and gang had taken the day off to go to the bath house. Well, all except Yahiko and Sano. Sano was at the gambling hall... again. And Yahiko had come down with a cold, and was being looked after by the doctor. So, as it were, Kenshin was alone in the men's part of the bath house, while Kaoru was on the other side with Megumi. Kenshin sat with his back towards the large wooden wall that served to seperate the men's from the women's. He was leaning back, resting his eyes while just listening to the sounds around him. "Kaoru, for a tomboy, your skin is SO soft!" Kenshin heard Megumi exclaim. "Hey! Whats that supposed to mean?" Kaoru said, indignantly. "It's a compliment, sheesh! Be thankful." Megumi said. Kenshin's ears perked up, though he tried not to think about it. The warm bath was so relaxing... So warm... Kenshin stared off into space.

'You know, Kenshin, I've had eyes for you!' Kaoru said, sitting next to him in the water on the men's side. Her skin was bare, and the water came up to her collar bone. She was smiling at him, the look in her eyes full of... something. Kenshin didn't know, but he was sure what his eyes were full of. Even in his own fantasy he tried not to look at... things. "Kenshin, what a strong arm you have!" She said, scooting closer to him to feel his biceps. Kenshin's face turned red at the thought. Kaoru leaned even closer, sighing with contentment. "You're body is even more impressive..." She went on, leaning ever closer till something below the water brushed against Kenshin's rib cage. A little gasp escaped Kaoru's lips at the touch as she stared at him seductively. Kenshin was pretty sure he knew what that was, but for the sake of asking dumb questions, he asked, "Wh-what was that, Kaoru-san?" He blinked his eyes nervously several times. Just thinking of the answer made him nervous, for some reason... "Oh, sorry, Kenshin... That was my finger."

5. Sweet-talking ladies aka flirting

-scenario-

A cute waitress brought Kenshin a warm bottle of sake. "Here you go, sir." She was about to set it down when Kenshin intercepted her. He let his fingers brush against hers as he gripped the warm sake bottle. The waitress froze, not sure what to do. Kenshin had never done anything like this before, and it made beads of sweat appear on her brow. He was too cute, and this behavior coming from him would make her swoon if he kept it up. "Hmm" the sound rumbled deep in Kenshin's throat. "What soft skin you have." The former assassin still had not let go of her hand or the bottle. He rubbed two of her fingers with one of his, and a half smile played on his lips. His eyes were soft and dreamy. The waitress smiled back a little, unsure of what was happening. "And you smell lovely, too." Kenshin leaned into her and inhaled, a look of bliss on his face. "What is that fragrance? It's mouth watering... like the rest of you." Kenshin rumbled, giving her a smokey look. "Uh, uh, umm, it's just sakura. Uuuuh, I... have to get back to work now. Here's your sake." She stuttered, letting go of the bottle. Her face was beet red, and Kenshin was able to tell she was completely falling for it. "Of course, m'lady." Kenshin reached over to pat her bottom lightly as she turned around to leave. The waitress giggled, and swatted his hand away, "Oh, you, stop it, now!" Then she left. Kenshin turned back to his friends at the table, who were all staring at him with wide eyes and jaws on the floor. "What?" He asked. "I'm trying to get us a free meal!"

4. Being rude

-scenario-

Kaoru collided into her favorite swordsman in the hall. They both fell to the ground, Kaoru landing squarely on top of Kenshin. "Oof! Sorry, Kenshin! I didn't mean to... I was just looking for you to ask you if you'd help me with breakfast?" As she continued to talk, Himura's face became more and more distorted. Finally, when she was done, he pushed Kaoru off him and said "Daaang, girl, you need a tic-tac 'cause your breaf is kickin'!" "Whaaa?" Kaoru said in alarm, as they both got to their feet. She got in his face and said "What did you say to me, Kenshin?" He cleared his throat and said, "Poof! Begone! Your breath is too strong!" Kaoru, completely dumbstruck, turned around and started walking away, utterly confuddled. She was speechless. Kenshin has NEVER spoken to anyone like that before! A moment later Kaoru heard Kenshin calling to her again from down the hall. "Poof! Come back! I found a tic-tac!"

3. Watching a soap opera

(just pretend like they actually had TV and stuff back in the Meiji era)

-scenario-

Kaoru had been searching high and low for Kenshin. It was his turn to help her with the dishes, and for some reason, he wasn't helping her already. 'This is strange. He's usually so good about helping me.' She thought, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. She snapped her fingers and pointed at the ceiling. "I've got it! He's probably watching TV." Kaoru headed towards the new TV room. As predicted, Kenshin had planted himself in front of the TV and was leaning intently towards it, an intense look on his face, his eyes watery, and Sano was planted beside him, an identical expression on his face. The two manly men had their arms wrapped around each other for support as they watched TV, thoroughly engrossed. "Uuuuh, WHAT are you doing, Kenshin? It's your tu-" "SSH! I'm trying to watch!" He interrupted her, one arm shooting out to aim at her, with a single finger pointed up. "What are you talking about?" Sano turned to glare at Kaoru, "Don't interupt! Rude." " What are you watching, guys?" "Quiet! Ryuho just found out that his secret girlfriend, Naomi, was shot, and she was carrying his baby! He's about to find out if she lost it or not." Kaoru rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest and heaving a sigh. "You guys can NOT be seriously into this!" She declared, coming forward to see what they were watching. "Naomi was shot by Ryuho's ex-wife, Akiko, whom he was married to for eleven years and they never conceived! He started secretly dating Naomi right before the divorce and even afterwards he never came out and told anyone they were dating. But just to make sure he'd be a father before 35, he was also secretly dating another woman! Her name was also Naomi, and we think she's probably carrying his child as well!" Kenshin rambled on for half a minute, his bottom lip quivering. "Huh?" was all Kaoru could say. Sano picked up where Kenshin left off, "But! The second Naomi was also secretly dating someone! Actually, both the Naomi's were... but it was the same other guy! Their boss, Teru Mikame! But the first Naomi hadn't slept with him yet cause she knew that her other secret boyfriend, Ryuho, his ex-wife, Akiko was publicly engaged to Teru!" "Sssh, Ryuho is at the hospital and he's about to walk in on Teru holding Naomi's hand!" Kenshin interrupted him.

-on TV-

"I'm breaking it off with you, Teru. I can't do this anymore. It's too much stress! And also... I'm carrying someone else's child... " Teru dropped Naomi's hand and recoiled back, as if she'd slapped him. "What? I don't care whose baby it is, I really love YOU, Naomi! Please, I'm begging you... don't break it off! I'll cancel the engagement to Akiko, I swear!" Naomi folded her hands over her abdomen and closed her eyes. "I've decided... it's final. Besides, how many times have you said the SAME THING to Akiko? OR the other Naomi?" "What's going on here?" Ryuho came into the room and glared at Teru before he could ask how Naomi knew about the other Naomi. "Who the heck are yo- I know who you are! Akiko's ex-husband, Ryuho Uchikawa! But what are you doing coming to see my employee, Naomi?" "Excuse me." A doctor entered the room. "Naomi, I have news. You were carrying triplets! But one of them died when you were shot, and we have to perform an emergency operation to save the other two!"

Kenshin and Sano burst into tears and clung to each other, crying pitifully in the other's arms.

2. Playing with his food

-scenario-

Kenshin was in the kitchen, preparing a glorious feast for his new family. Sano, Yahiko, Megumi (who looked disturbingly like Tomoe) and the lovely Kaoru-san. But it was the early stages of preperations, so he wasn't in a rush quite yet to finish. In a bowl of water Kenshin had two freshly plucked chickens, ready for cooking. Looking over his shoulder, "Oro?" he saw no one. Good. He had time to play. Picking up a chicken in each hand, he made them dance back and forth, singing a little song he made up on the spot. "Kenshin is our friiiend, and he makes us dance so gooooood, yeah yeah, yeah!" He sang in falsetto. "Hey, gimme five, chicky baby! 'Ok'" Kenshin made the chickens wings slap each other. "Lets dance, my little chickadee! 'Lets bust a carpet, my handsome cock!'" Kenshin feverishly made the two chickens bump and grind, dancing as fast as he could make them, while making music with his mouth "Hn tsz, hn tsz, hn tsz, hn tsz, hn tsz, hn tsz, hn tsz!"

Unbeknownst to Kenshin, Sano witnessed the entire ordeal, his jaw scraping the floor.

1. Picking his nose

-scenario-

Kaoru walked around the corner and froze in her tracks. Kenshin was sitting on the floor facing Kaoru, a finger stuck up his nose. He had been digging in earnest a minute ago, but he instantly froze when Kaoru walked in the room. 'Uh oh!' Busted. Kaoru glanced from side to side quickly. Kenshin looked down at his nose, then back to Kaoru before jerking his finger from his nose, a big'n on his finger. "What? I wasn't doing anything, I was just scratching the inside of my nose." He stopped and stared at her blankly. "My nose was itchy!" Kenshin defended himself. The look on Kaoru's face became disgusted as she looked at the finger that had come out of Kenshin's nose. She brought one arm up to her chest and pointed in a jabbing motion with a finger at Kenshin's guilty finger. "What... whats THAT?" She asked. "What's what?" "On your finger!" Kenshin brought his finger up to look at it. "What, that?" Silence. Double take. "HAAH!" Kenshin jerked his hand down and tried to discretely wipe it off on something. "Nothing!" He said, sounding like a guilty child trying to sound innocent. Kaoru's eyes bulged and so did her cheeks for a second. She took one big step backwards out of the room, "I'm just going to uuuuh... pretend like I didn't see anything... yeah." She rushed, before dashing away.

*-1. BONUS* Get kicked in the balls

-scenario-

Kenshin and Kaoru were standing just inside a room while Yahiko and Sanosuke stood just outside it. They were close enough to touch. There was a single candle light in the room, and it was well after dark. Kaoru, Kenshin and Sanosuke were incredibly drunk, and the three adults had been talked in to having a tickle feast by Yahiko, who was secretly drunk. Kenshin was winning. He was ardently going after Sano, and the gambler was barely able to breathe, he was laughing so hard. Yahiko was also winning, but he was concentrating on Kaoru, who was losing so badly, she was on the floor rolling around, laughing uncontrollably. Yahiko was persistant, but he couldn't quite squeeze past Kenshin, who was moving around a great deal, tickling Sano. Kaoru, finally having enough, blew out the candle. Everyone stopped, but was so worried about being tickled, they all kept trying to defend themselves from non-existant ticklers. In a panic, Sano struck out with one foot, realizing too late that he'd caught Kenshin in the nuts when he heard a high pitched squeal. "Someone, quick! Light the candle again!" "Whats wrong, who's hurt?" Yahiko cried, also beginning to panic. "No body move!" Several minutes ticked by when Kaoru finally got the candle lit. Kenshin was laying on his side on the floor, curled up in a ball, both his hands tenderly grasping what his momma gave him, tears streaming down his face, which was utterly distorted by pain. He moaned and groaned softly, trying to fight the pain. "Sano..." He wheezed. Sanosuke quickly came forward and crouched beside his injured friend, a look of remorse on his face. "I'm so sorry, Kenshin, I swear I didn't mean to! I'm just so drunk, and I was afraid of you tickling me some more!" He said in a panic. With a trembling hand, Kenshin slowly reached out to grab Sano by the front of his shirt and pulled him down closer to his face. "What? What is it, buddy? Please don't hurt me." Sano whimpered, knowing full well he'd have to let Kenshin do whatever he wanted to him for payback. "Sanosuke... if I can't have kids... we'll all know why!"

Thanks for reading! ^_^ I hope you enjoyed it more than I enjoyed writing it. :P And I hope you didn't mind the OOCness (which I thought added to the hilarity).

Kenshin is SO NOT normal! He can't even get a fantasy right! lol

If you are originally a Rurouni Kenshin fan, then please review! Especially if you liked it.

Be looking for a more serious R.K. fanfic in the near future! =D

Again, thanks for reading! Ja ne!