A/N: Just getting the creative juices flowing by writing senseless humor that could damage your poor hearts forever. ;)
If you like this story, please check out my other bloopers for other Final Fantasies and even Kingdom Hearts. I always like to know how I'm doing! Or if you have a request for a game, you can PM me or place it in a review. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimers: I do not own Final Fantasy XIII, or any of the other surprises I leave in here ;)
Aboard the Purge Train...
Sazh turned his head towards Lightning. "You serious?" he whispered.
"Be quiet," Lightning hissed, well-aware of what she was going to do.
Sazh looked back towards the guard on duty, and smiled to himself. "Best of luck," he said under his breath.
As the train continued its way along the tracks, it quickly came upon a bright glass barrier in their way. But the train, going way too fast, was unable to stop in time. It went right through, smashing the wall and creating a huge jolt inside the train, giving Lightning her perfect opportunity.
Under the shield of PSICOM's confusion she ran up, jumped over the guard's head and flipped him backwards, causing him to drop the security system remote. Lightning swiftly smashed her foot down on the device, breaking free the lock on everyone's coat.
"She did it!" cried Sazh, who had already gotten out of his seat.
Lightning continued to do badass kung-fu moves that only a Guardian Corps soldier like herself would have been able to do, dodging bullets and beating PSICOM operatives to a pulp.
Another PSICOM operative ran forward at hearing her fire the gun his way. But right as she brought her foot up...
"Train number 5 has now arrived at Bodhum station..."
The train suddenly stopped, the doors slid open and about twenty passengers froze with fear as they saw a Guardian Corps soldier with her foot pointing near a PSICOM operative's head, while he held a gun to her chest.
After an extremely uncomfortable silence, a young girl with freckles and pigtails spoke up. "E-Excuse me miss," she said to Lightning in a small voice. "I think you're on the wrong train." The rest of the crowd nodded in agreement.
Lightning paused, and then cleared her throat. "Wow...this is awkward..." she breathed.
Day 7: The Seaside City of Bodhum….
Serah stood on the docks of Bodhum shore, her mind racing as she wondered if she had done the right thing.
"Serah!" shouted Snow, running towards her. He took his girlfriend by the arm and looked deep into her eyes. "What is your focus?" he demanded. "L'Cie have a Focus, right? I'll go with you, help you do it. Just let me!"
Serah seemed to consider this, but shook her head. "No! If you're with me, the Sanctum will…"
"I will be with you, no matter what!" Snow interrupted. "We've come too far to quit now."
Serah hung her head, her eyes full of tears. "I don't know," she managed to choke out. She turned her back to her boyfriend and looked out at the sea. "I don't know my focus. I'm gonna be a monster!"
Snow immediately rushed up from behind her, ready to embrace his love, but instead ran up with such force that his abs completely bounced her off the dock and into the sea screaming.
"S-Serah?" Snow nervously looked down into the water, not being able to see her anywhere. Lightning was going to kill him.
Day 12: The Seaside City of Bodhum….
"There they are! This way!"
Snow and Serah sprinted across the white sand, under hot pursuit of PSICOM soldiers. Snow spotted an aircraft sitting nearby and jumped inside, his fiancée leaping onto his lap.
"Bring 'em down!" they screamed, firing their weapons.
Snow skillfully skimmed across the surface of the water, sliding past ever bullet that went their way. "Hold on!" he grunted.
"Okay!" Serah replied obediently, keeping her arms around his neck and her head out of the way.
Flying higher and higher along the side of the Pulse Vestige, they suddenly took a direct hit to one of their engines, preventing them from flying straight.
Snow brought the vehicle downwards until they came to a standing platform near the top of the vestige. "Jump!" he shouted to Serah.
Serah nodded, let go of his jacket, brought one foot forward, tripped on her untied shoelace, and plummeted towards the ocean screaming…again.
Yup, Lightning was definitely going to kill him.
In Palumpolum….
"There are no answers!" Hope cried. "You're running from what you deserve!"
"Well, why don't you tell me what I deserve?"
"The same fate!" screamed Hope, sending an explosion of energy so powerful that it broke the metal fence and left Snow dangling off the edge of the building.
Hope took a deep breath and readied his knife. He was finally going to do it; there was no turning back now.
He stood above Snow and stared down with the most hateful expression he could muster, the knife still in his hand. "Nora Estheim," he said. "She was my mother. And she died because of you!"
Snow's face slowly went from terror to complete confusion. "Who's Nora Estheim?" he repeated.
Still holding the knife in ready position, Hope rolled his eyes. "You know, green eyes, silvery blond hair, about 5'3"..."
Snow dangled in thought, and then shook his head. "Nope, not ringin' a bell," he said.
Hope's mouth flung open and his shoulders slouched. "W-What do you mean? You killed her!"
"…No, I didn't…"
"Yes, you did!"
"Nope."
"YES!"
Outside the Estheim Residence….
"Me! I'm a l'Cie!" Snow shouted, stepping out into the blinding lights. "Surprised? Expected some kind of monster? I'm flesh and blood like you! An ordinary citizen of Cocoon!"
Feeling more courageous, he put his hands down by his sides and formed a fist. "Don't you get it? This has been our home our whole lives! How could we even think about destroying it? We want to protect this place just as much as you!"
Murmurs of surprise and confusion bounced along the tens of soldiers kneeling on the ground with their guns up. But only one voice seemed to come out above the rest.
"You must be Snow Villiers," said a young man in the back. The man waded through the crowd at a steady pace, his boots clicking against the pavement. Each and every soldier put down their weapons as if he had put them under a spell.
When he reached the front, the man stood with his head held high, ready to introduce himself. "Yaag Rosch, PSICOM division," he announced. Yaag suddenly looked at Snow up and down, his eyes mostly resting on his toned arms and six-pack.
Yaag smiled and raised his eyebrows up and down, giving Snow the sudden urge to either vomit or run away fast.
The other four were watching the scene from the safety of inside the house. Fang's mouth dropped open. "Is he…Is he checking Snow out?" she gasped, wincing.
Hope was too young to answer, Lightning was too grossed-out to answer, and Bartholomew had a hearing problem.
In Nautilus….
"Vanille," Sazh said, pointing his rifle in her direction. He put his other hand to his chest, seemingly out of breath.
Vanille slowly got up and looked him square in the eye. "My name is Oerba Dia Vanille. I'm a l'Cie from Gran Pulse. And to everyone on Cocoon…evil." She brought up her arms like wings, offering herself as a sacrifice. "Shoot me, for your son!"
"Don't you even!" Sazh barked, his gun still aimed at her head. "You think you die and that's that? You think you die and everything will be sugar and rainbows?"
"Then, what can I do?" Vanille whispered, on the verge of tears. Angry and confused, she began to shout, "What do you want from me? If I can't live or die, what do you want me to do?"
"Don't ask me, you figure it out," said Sazh.
"I don't know!" Vanille cried. She threw back her head and let out a sob, a single tear rolling down her cheek.
Sazh sighed and put his gun down. "Neither do I," he gasped, his hand still on his chest. "It's over. There's nothing to do." He dropped his weapon. "Shooting you won't help. Neither will living."
He sank to the ground and was suddenly engulfed in a golden light that shined above his head like a sphere. Still clutching his chest he screamed, the golden power suddenly turning a bright orange-red.
Vanille gasped. "Oh my Gran Pulse! He's having a heart attack!" She quickly ran over and shoved him down to the ground.
Sazh began to protest. "Hey, wait a sec—"
She slammed her hands down on his ribcage and began to do violent chest compressions while he choked and gasped. "Someone call an ambulance!" cried Vanille.
Sazh waved his arms in the air. "Hey—*cough* Vanille—*cough* I'm not-*choke*"
As if on cue, an ambulance with a full team of paramedics arrived at the scene. They quickly lifted Sazh onto a stretcher, and literally threw him in the back of the ambulance.
Over his muffled sounds of protest one of the paramedics strode over to Vanille. "What about him?" he said, pointing to the giant flaming Eidolon to his left.
At that exact moment the ambulance drove away, leaving the young woman to ponder the "strange phenomenon".
Aboard the Palemecia….
"If only they knew a l'Cie was the one filling their glasses!" Lightning sneered, readying her weapon.
"L'Cie?" said Dysley. He chuckled. "You mean me? Oh child, perish the thought. I am more than that!"
Dysley began to float up into the air. With a wave of his staff and a flash of light, he suddenly transformed into a giant metallic beast made of many different faces and parts. A booming choir that seemed to come out of nowhere began to sing Latin in the background. It created a good mixture of completely unnecessary and terrifying.
"I am fal'Cie," he droned, his voice not even human. "My name is Barthandelus. Voice of the Sanctum, and Lord Sovereign of Cocoon fal'Cie. Your kind feared the darkness, so we gave you—"
Completely out of nowhere, bright symbols began to shine above them until a beam of light shot down to the ground. In its wake crouched a man with a leather black suit and long silver hair. In his hand he held a katana.
He slowly stood up, the room becoming deafeningly silent. The man smiled a twisted smile, and pointed his katana at Barthandelus. "I do believe you've stolen my choir," he said softly.
He lunged forward at the beast, engaging in an all-out battle while the choir suddenly began to sing a different tune:
"Estuans interius ira vehementi,
Estuans interius ira vehementi,
Sephiroth!"
Lightning and the others stood in confusion as they watched the battle rage on before them. "Who is this guy?" whispered Vanille.
They all shrugged, and took this moment to silently sneak out of the room and escape quickly on the Lindblum.
Inside the Ark (Another One of Snow's Motivational Speeches)….
"Bring it on!" Snow said, slamming his fists together. He walked towards the platform's edge. "My mind's made up. Maybe I will become a Cie'th, but until that happens I'm gonna make Serah proud." He took out her crystallized teardrop and held it up against the light where everyone could see it, then clutched it in the palm of his hand.
"I couldn't bring myself to believe that this tear meant goodbye," he continued. "And that's why I kept searching for her." He tossed the crystal up in the air, then caught it. "But I didn't need to. Serah was here the whole time. Right here, watching over me." He pressed it to his chest, right over his heart.
"Now I get it. What this tear's been trying to tell me is to not let our Focus win. It's not the fal'Cie we should listen to. It's Serah, and Raines. Do you know why—"
Suddenly, the crystal tear slipped out of his hand and fell, shattering into a million pieces all over the floor.
Silence.
One awkward pause later, Lightning rolled her eyes. "Nice going, Hero," she snapped, walking away. The rest of the group followed suit.
"H-Hey guys, wait! I can fix it!" Snow cried, kneeling down on the floor and picking up all the little pieces of crystal. "There's still hope for the future—guys? Guys! Don't leave me here!..."
Arriving at Gran Pulse….
Sazh finally steered the airship out of limbo and into the blue skies of Gran Pulse. "You did it!" cried Vanille.
"Yeah, told you, didn't I?" Sazh said, grinning.
But just as the group thought they were safe, a giant fal'Cie appeared out of nowhere, coming way too close to their ship and making everyone scream in fright.
"Playful little critter, isn't he?" Fang remarked.
"Yeah, well play with someone else," said Lightning, hoping they wouldn't have to deal with this thing.
Vanille giggled. "Happens all the time," she said.
"He thinks we're lunch," Fang told them with not the least bit of fear in her voice.
"Yeah, like a l'Cie food buffet," cracked Sazh.
Lightning inwardly rolled her eyes at that joke. "'Cie food', cute," she grumbled.
The creature reared its ugly head again, and came right towards them at a surprising speed. "Guys here it comes!" screamed Hope. The monster flew so fast and so close that the glass walls and ceiling of the ship completely shattered, causing everyone to be sucked out like a vacuum cleaner.
Lightning, Snow, Fang, and Sazh all managed to grab onto something, but Vanille and Hope went flying downwards.
"Fang, get 'em!" shouted Snow.
"I'm on it!" Fang replied, jumping down to the world below. Lightning followed her.
Once they were falling, Fang waited until the right moment, and then threw her Eidolon crystal out behind her.
Lightning brought out her gun, aimed it at the crystal, and pulled the trigger.
Nothing happened.
She tried again, triggering and triggering. It was at that moment that she realized she had forgotten to stock up on ammunition at the Unicorn Mart. "This is just great," she muttered, Fang screaming her head off behind her.
On Gran Pulse…
Lightning almost smiled at him. "You are getting married, aren't you? Don't let her down, you hear me?" She tossed him Serah's crystallized tear.
Snow caught it with ease. (He'd obviously had a little practice!) "Don't worry. This tear will be her last. I'll make sure of that."
"That's all I need to know," Lightning replied, ending the subject. She began to walk away.
Snow looked down, his heart suddenly filling with doubt. "We will see her, right?" he whispered, but Lightning heard him.
She brought her fist forward and punched him in the back, but apparently a little too hard. "Don't go there, no room for doubt," she said.
Snow gasped as he knuckles dug into his spine, whit hot pain flashing all across his body. "Ow!" he gasped, choking.
Lightning pulled back quickly. "I-I'm so sorry, are you okay?" she asked, backing away.
"I-I think you might have broken something," Snow choked, coughing up a small amount of blood.
He walked around with a bit of a slouch for the rest of the game.
The Ending….
"Wake up," said a familiar voice.
Lightning's crystal statue suddenly transformed back into her old self. She examined herself and gasped, then stared up at Cocoon. The entire planet had been spared, shining brightly atop pillars of crystal, and it was all thanks to Fang and Vanille.
"They did it, they saved the world," whispered Lightning.
"No, they gave us a new one," said Snow behind her. Snow, Hope, and Sazh had all transformed into their old selves as well.
"That's one gift I'll forgive them for not wrapping," said Sazh, gazing at their old home.
"Yeah," laughed Hope.
"This is as much as we can do. The rest is up to you," said Vanille. Somehow she was able to talk to each and every one of them without being there herself.
"Does this mean we…we completed our Focus?" asked Hope. Ahead, other citizens of Cocoon who had survived the giant pudding explosion—it looked like pudding, don't deny it—were helping each other out, off to explore their new home.
"Cocoon's seen better days, that's for sure," Snow replied.
"Yeah, and I say that qualifies as a demolition. Focus completed," said Sazh.
"Hmph. Whatever you want to believe," Fang told them.
Lightning smiled, feeling tears in the corners of her eyes. "It really is a miracle," she choked.
Hope looked down at his arm and gasped. "My brand, it's gone!" he cried. Everyone else checked theirs, and got the same results.
"It's easy to lose sight of things in a world as wide as this one," said Vanille with wisdom beyond her years. "But if you keep going, you're sure to find what you're looking for—sooner or later."
Off in the distance, Serah and Dajh were walking their way. "An, 'an, 'an, there was this whole big bunch of chocobos there!" exclaimed Dajh enthusiastically.
"There was, was there?" giggled Serah, walking alongside him. Then she looked upwards, and saw them. "Look there," she whispered to Dajh.
Dajh grinned and ran towards his father. Serah ran behind him as fast as she could, ready to embrace her long lost lover and make amends with her sister...but instead she tripped on her other shoelace and fell right on her face.
"Serah!" cried Snow, at first happy but now concerned about his fiancée.
Hope, seeing everyone embracing their long-lost friends and family, ran forward as well to find Fang and Vanille. "Fang! Vanille!"
"H-Hope!" Lightning shouted, almost running after him. "They're not coming back!"
Hope didn't listen, and instead kept running forward, stepping on Serah in the process.
Lightning rolled her eyes. Sazh smiled calmly. "Eh, let the kid run," he said.
Feel free to tell me which scenes were your favorite! (I personally liked Snow ab-chucking Serah into the ocean, and Snow dropping her crystal tear!)
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