"This place is a shithole," Schmidt said as he slammed the car door shut.
"Hey! Don't be like that. It's not shitty, it just has, uh, character," Jess said defensively of their rented cabin.
"No Jess, it's pretty shitty," Nick said as he got some of their stuff out of the car.
"Seriously, though, don't walk barefoot around here. I'm pretty sure one of us is going to get tetanus," Winston chirped unhelpfully.
All three of the roommates looked at Nick.
"Hey, it's not going to be me. I just bought me a pair of boots and nothings getting past these babies," Nick said as he wiggled his feet.
"Are those my shoes," Schmidt shrieked.
"Uh…no," Nick said lamely.
"Oh my god, I'm done. Good day to you all. I'm going for a walk and don't bother coming after me!" Schmidt yelled as he stormed off.
"Guh, Nick, come on! You know he doesn't like it when other people wear his shoes!" Jess said, looking at Nick disapprovingly.
Nick and Winston just snickered like the five year olds they were.
"I can't even say I'm sorry because did you see his face?" Nick said breathless for laughter.
"You guys are so immature," Jess said as she walked to go find Schmidt.
"Aw Jess, come on! Let him sulk, it does him good!" Nick yelled after her.
It was winter break and the gang decided it would be cool to go camping together. Well Winston, Nick and Jess thought it would be cool; Schmidt just came along because he refused to be left out.
"I can't believe I let you guys drag me off to this godforsaken forres-,"
"Schmidt! It is not that bad. Besides, we've gone camping before," Jess said interrupting his incessant whining as she trotted to catch up to him.
Schmidt narrowed his eyes at her, lightly tilted his head with sass and scoffed.
"Okay, that one time Nick threw his keys into the valley does nOT COUNT AS CAMPING, JESSICA!" He bellowed.
Jess smiled nervously.
"Okay, no, don't do that. You look like a feral badger, stop it!"
"YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE BEING YELLED AT. YOU KNOW IT REMINDS ME OF MY PARENT'S MARRIGE!" Jess yelled at him through her awkward smile as she ran off.
"Oye vey," Schmidt said, shaking his head in annoyance as he walked to the more woodsy part of the cabin to explore and get away from all of that.
Jess stopped smiling and walked over to where Nick and Winston were getting the rest of their stuff out of the car.
"Need any help?" Jess inquired.
"Your help would've been appreciated thirty minutes ago," Winston groaned out as he grabbed Schmidt's products bag.
"Oh. Oh well," Jess said as she perched herself on the cabin's porch's banister.
(This was probably not the best idea because this was a shoddy made porch but foreshadowing, kiddos)
Jess sat still there, really enjoying the scenic views until Winston rudely interrupted her.
"Aye, Jess, can you not check out Nick's butt when I'm right here?" Winston asked in exasperation.
"Uh yeah, about that? No," Jess said as she exaggeratedly winked at Nick.
Nick chuckled to himself and smiled.
Winston grabbed the last of the bags and said "Ugh, get a room," as he went in the cabin and left.
"Were you really checking my butt out?" Nick asked with a coy smile as he walked up the porch steps towards her.
"You're darn right I was checkin out that sweet booty," Jess said in her Judy Garland voice.
Nick now stood in front of her, his smile downright predatory. She raised an eyebrow in question as he surged forward and wrapped her legs around his waist.
"Oh yeah?" Nick asked as he inched forward, his mouth millimeters away from hers.
"Yeah," she said as she closed her eyes and pressed her lips to his.
For like a second.
"HOLY SHIT, GUYS! YOU NEED TO SEE THIS, LIKE RIGHT NOW!" Schmidt yelled from below the porch.
Both Nick and Jess sighed in frustration as their lips drew apart. Nick removed his hands from Jess's hair and laid them on either side of her against the porch banister. Jess pressed her forehead against his.
"OH MY GOD, WHY AREN'T YOU MOVING?! LIKE WHAT WERE YOU EVEN-were you guys having porch sex? Because 1. EW, Nicholas I thought I taught you better and 2. Jess, do you really want splinters there?" Schmidt said with a judgmental tone.
"Ah hell no, ain't nobody having porch sex on my watch; it's bad enough we put up with your usual sex!" Winston said coming through the cabin's screen door.
"WE'RE NOT HAVING PORCH SEX!" Nick exclaimed.
"Porch sex?"
"Shut up!"
All four roommates stood still as they looked at each other in question. It was at the same time they all realized that that hadn't come from anyone of them and they leapt to action. Nick put Jess behind him to shield her, Winston hid behind Jess and Schmidt clutched her leg in fear through the railing of the bottom of the porch's banister.
"Who's there?! I've got a bat and I'm not afraid to use it! I almost made it to the major leagues!" Nick shouted at the general area of the forest that surrounded the crappy cabin. He was sure that that was where he had heard the unfamiliar voices.
"I didn't know you almost made it to the majors," Jess whispered.
"That's because I didn't. I don't play baseball," Nick said, turning to look at her incredulously.
"Then why would you say that? Why would you lie about something so trivial like that? You don't even have a bat," Jess said with a scoff.
"Oh my god, Jess, they didn't need to know that!" Nick furiously whispered.
"What team were you going to play for?" Said one of the unfamiliar voices, coming from the forest area. The voice was definitely male
"Oh my fucking god, Stiles, shut the hell up!" Said the other voice that had spoken earlier. This person sounded older than the other.
"Oh god, oh my god, we're gonna die, aren't we? I'm gonna die in this fucked up Santa's enchanted forest and it's all your god damn fault, Jess!" Schmidt screeched.
"My fault? Why is it my fault?" Jess asked defensively.
"Because you wanted to go fucking camping! WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE GONE TO NEW YORK OR ANOTHER COUNTRY LIKE ANY NORMAL PERSON?! WE'RE GONNA DIE AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, JESS DAY! YOU'RE A MURDERER! YOU PRACTICALLY SIGNED MY DEATH WARRANT!" Schmidt screeched in a panic.
Winston started sobbing into Jess's back.
"Let go of my leg, Schmidt! You don't deserve comfort!" Jess said as she shook his hand off.
"Both of you stop it! We're not going to die, Schmidt! They're probably just some idiot teenagers trying to scare us," Nick said, trying to assure the gang.
He took a step forward.
"Nick, what are you doing?" Jess asked voice shaky.
"Relax, I got this. Who's out there?! Show yourselves or I'm calling the cops!" Nick yelled as he started walking down the porch's steps.
"Aw shit! Bail!" was heard as was the sound of sneakers scrambling in snow.
Nick took off and ran after them, followed by a worried Jess, a panicked Schmidt and a reluctant sobbing mess that was referred to as Winston. Nick was already deep in the forest when he heard the tell-tale sound of someone falling in snow. Nick turned ahead to see a figure in a red hoodie getting up from the ground. He started to chase after the person when suddenly, he was tripped by a-a, was that a tail? He fell face first in the snow, which stung. He wiped away the snow and looked up to see that the figure in the red hoodie was long gone. He cursed in frustration and tried to get up and immediately let out another string of curses. Fortunately, Jess and the guys showed up right afterwards.
"Oh my god, Nick! Are you okay?! What were you thinking?! Oh wait, you weren't!" Jess screeched as she knelt down beside him and checked him over.
"Ugh, I'm fine, I think I just pulled something," Nick answered as he groaned in pain.
"Did they do this to you, Nick? Oh let me at 'em, no one does this to mah boi!" Schmidt said, his adrenaline finally kicking in apparently.
"Ugh, no I tripped over-over a tail, I think? I don't know man," Nick said as Jess and Winston helped him up.
"I don't like this," Winston said in a worried voice.
"Yeah, I could tell. You cried," Nick said with a slight snicker he instantly regretted because oh the pain he felt was not worth it.
"Shut up, you're the one that fell on your face."
"Well this was horrible and I think we should leave; like now. I'll pack," Schmidt said enthusiastically.
"Hey, we are not leaving! We paid for this cabin and we're going to enjoy it!" Jess said with a determined glint in her eyes.
"Excuse you, Jessica, but I don't know if you realized but we almost died!" Schmidt spit at her.
"Schmidt, shut up. We're not leaving. Now let's go take Nick to a hospital."
"Fineee," Schmidt said like a bored teenager.
"Oh yeah, cuz that's so hard. Sorry I'm such a burden, Schmidt," Nick said as sarcastically as physically possible.
"Eh, I'm use to it by now," Schmidt responded as he helped support Nick.
Nick frowned like an old grumpy man. He could have given grumpy cat a run for his money.