Okay, so I stand corrected about my one-shot Relaxation being the most ridiculous thing I've ever written. This takes the cake. Oh boy does it. I've apparently decided that it's my calling to write fanfics where the unlikeliest of characters toke up. I don't know what possesses me to write these, but it's fun, pure and simple.

This is not AU. It should be, for all intents and purposes, but I feel like I would suck at writing an AU. Besides, canon characters getting high is a hell of a lot funnier. You will, however, notice references to things in the real world. In my defense, Roxas mentions Easter Island in the manga, so… yeah.

Warnings: The frequent use of cannabis, copious amounts of swearing, Voltairian absurdity, obnoxiously obvious references to stoner movies, your favorite Kingdom Hearts characters getting baked, parodied bromance, the high possibility of humor catastrophically failing, and FrostFromFire wondering why people don't give these characters ridiculous plots more often.

Disclaimer: Square Enix and Disney own Kingdom Hearts.

Chapter 1: Stir It Up

There was nothing better than toking up in a tiny car with your friends on a sticky July evening, Sora was sure of that. They had smoked a bowl before going to the movies, but over the span of two hours the effects had, for the most part, worn off. The movie had been awful, plagued with cliché after predictable cliché. He probably would have tried to convince Riku and Kairi to leave early, but he had been too high to care.

So there he was, sitting in the driver's seat of his self-christened Piece of Shit Car, drumming his steering wheel to the obscure rock song that crackled through his radio as Riku sat shotgun, absentmindedly humming the tune. Kairi curled up in the cramped back seat as she took another hit from Sora's new pipe. She coughed heavily, unrolling her window and passing it off to him.

"I feel like such an amateur! Jeeze, that thing hits like…" she managed before going into another coughing fit.

"I know, isn't it awesome?" he grinned, holding the pipe to his lips as he lit the bowl once more. He hadn't taken as liberal an amount as Kairi, managing to exhale without coughing. He passed it to Riku.

"Where'd you get this shit anyway?" Sora had to ask, because it was some of the best stuff he'd ever smoked.

"Wakka," said Riku. "He's got all the connections; you know that. He knows a guy who knows a guy… apparently these are some of the best headies you can get."

Sora laughed. Good ol' Wakka. He'd been the one to convinced them to smoke in the first place. The three of them had been plagued with anxiety and uneasiness after returning to Destiny Islands after such a long absence. After a couple years Wakka decided he'd had enough of their emo bullshit, thusly introducing them to his favorite relaxant. They had all been apprehensive at first; Kairi refused to smoke with them the first couple of times, stating that she couldn't believe their audacity, to try a drug of all things… but after realizing that Sora and Riku were neither destroying their lives nor frying their brains, agreed to smoke with them - once.

Then once turned into a reluctant second time, which lead to a more willing third, an eager fourth, and so on and so forth. They had lost track a long time ago. Eventually their liking for the substance lead to the buying of rolling papers and pipes. Riku even had a small bong he kept hidden in his closet.

"It's kicked," frowned Riku, dumping the resin into his hand and throwing it out the window, clapping his hands together to wipe away the residue. "What do you guys wanna do now?"

While their island harbored a small city with a decent amount of activities, the locals who had grown up there often found it difficult to find things to do.

"What about the Chateau?" suggested Kairi. "Tidus is supposed to be playing, and I told him we'd stop by."

"Laaame…" said Sora in a singsongy voice. "The people who play there either one, can't sing, or two, can't play the cheap ass instruments their mommies and daddies bought them for Christmas ten years ago."

"And it always reeks of cigarettes," added Riku.

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Which is so much worse than what we smell like. Come on, guys… I promised!"

"It's obvious what this is about, isn't it, Riku?" Sora smirked, teasing Kairi.

"Aha, now I see…" he said in an mockingly vindictive tone. "Kairi's got a hard on for Tidus."

"Really guys, really?" she said dryly. "First of all, Riku, I don't know what freaky chicks you've been sleeping with because that's not even possible. Secondly, Tidus is my friend, that's it. He's your friend too; I'm sure he'd appreciate the support."

Sora turned on his ancient car and shifted it into gear, shuddering as it tried to shake itself to life. The car gave him trouble on a daily basis, but Sora loved the boxy red clunker nonetheless. He had bought it in anticipation of his sixteenth birthday almost immediately after his return to Destiny Islands with the munny he had accumulated through fighting Heartless and Nobodies. Now, four years later, it was in horrible shape.

"Fine, we'll go," Sora gave in as he stepped on the gas. "But I'm gonna need some food to survive that horrible music. I know I'll get the munchies like… ten minutes in."

Sora succumbed to his craving, stopping at a burger joint on their way, both to delay the inevitable pain his ears would soon be experiencing and to quench his insatiable hunger. It might have been a little overboard to order two fries, two cheeseburgers, and a large pop, but he didn't really care.

"If you don't start resisting the munchies you'll turn into a fatass," Riku warned, but his discretion only earned him a solid punch in the arm.

He unwrapped one of the cheeseburgers as he stepped on the gas once again. "That only happens if you sit around all day. With the amount we train? Yeah, I doubt that'll happen any time soon."

"I'm just saying…"

The rest of Riku's words were drowned out as Sora fumbled for the volume control on his radio, blasting the speakers to their fullest potential. He drove away from the restaurant, bobbing his head to the beat of the song as the wind rushed through his unkempt hair. This, he knew, was one of those moments that in a few years he would look back on in nostalgia. He was cruising down the street high as fuck while blasting one of his favorite songs, his two best friends along for the ride.

As much as he hated going to the Chateau, Sora had to admit that the little studio had character. It was located above a downtown salon in an old building that had been made when Destiny Islands first began marketing as a tourist destination. The aged wooden steps might have creaked when you walked up them, and yes, it held a constant aroma of cigarette smoke, but it also smelled of strong coffee and cherry blossom tea and flavored tobacco. Colorful tapestries and amateur college paintings hung from the walls, and it was furnished with old couches, chairs, papisans, and small round tables where guests could sit and smoke hookah. All in all, a very chill atmosphere. Sora just hated the shitty musicians.

Kairi found them seats at a small table near the front of the stage, Sora making a mental note to make her pay for that terrible error in judgment. He ignored the unfortunate situation for the moment and ordered them a couple hoses of jasmine hookah to share while Riku went to the counter to get drinks. He came back with two coffees, a tea, and the most disgusting sugary confection Sora had ever seen. Istanbul something-or-other. He didn't really care. It just looked nasty as fuck.

Sora tried to ignore the self-proclaimed "musical artists", absentmindedly smoking and taking the occasional sip of coffee as he watched obnoxious musician after obnoxious musician play their shitty covers of Wonderwall and Eleanor Rigby and Surf Wax America, determined to forever ruin good music.

But the end did come. The last nondescript guitarist played his final riff, and after what seemed like ten hours of earsplitting, horrible sounds being pumped into his ears, the MC came on stage.

"Hey, guys. We've got a newcomer tonight, playing for an audience for the first time. Let's give him a warm welcome!"

Tidus's appearance was met with an erratic, unenthusiastic clap from the audience, most of whom, Sora assumed, were probably just as baked as he was.

"Hi," he said nervously as he plugged his guitar. "So yeah, just a song I wrote."

Sora braced his ears for another three minutes of torture, but… hey, Tidus actually wasn't half bad. He could play more than four chords and he wasn't even tone deaf. Sora looked over to Riku, who seemed just as surprised at Tidus's talent as he was. As he finished the song, he was cheered much more strongly than his predecessors. Tidus smiled, gaining confidence with his strong performance.

"Thanks," said, still slightly nervous. "This next one I-"

"HOLY SHIT!"

No one knew who said it. No one knew who fired the shot. Only one thing was certain: a loud gunshot sounded through the night, the bullet burying itself in Tidus. He staggered backward, falling backward on the stage, his guitar crashing against his stomach.

"Tidus!" Kairi seemed to be the only one not caught in complete shock. Sora and Riku sat still, unable to move. The blood began soaking through his white shirt. That's when Sora felt the nausea hit. Oh, no…

"I think I'm gonna-"

Yes. Yes, he was going to puke. All over Riku's dessert.

"Ugh… onions…"

"Dude, my Turkish Delight!"

"I'm sorry, man; I'm not used to seeing-"

"You used to see worse shit than that every day and now you can't handle a little blood?"

"Why do you fucking care? Tidus has been shot! You weren't gonna eat it anyway! We'll have to go to the hospital once… shit, he's losing a lot of blood…"

He turned his attention back to Tidus's fallen body, stumbling over as Kairi knelt next to him, using a cast away hoodie to put pressure on the wound. Sora was relieved to find that he had been wounded in the stomach and not the chest; if the ambulance arrived soon he would probably survive.

"Tidus, man… how are you feeling?" he asked, careful to keep his voice calm.

"You… you guys need to leave," he rasped. "Find Wakka and get out of here. Get off the islands. I'm serious. Anyone who knows me is in danger."

"I think you're paranoid from-"

"The guy's been shot, Riku! How many times do I have to explain this to you?" exclaimed Sora. "This passed paranoid a long time ago!"

Only Kairi was able to keep her rationale. "Who is it? Why are they after you? Why would they be after us?"

Tidus shook his head. "Get to Wakka. He'll explain everything."

"We have to at least follow the ambulance to the hospital!" argued Riku.

"Um, no. They'll expect you to be there, follow you home, and off you there!"

"Wait, off us?" Sora stumbled. "I don't know what the hell you did to piss these people off, but we're not involved at all! Besides, why didn't they just take care of us here then?"

Tidus looked at him like he was a complete idiot. "Nobody likes a massacre, Sora… Look, it's simple. Go to Wakka's. Grab Selphie on the way too. Tell them what happened, and get the fuck off the islands. I'll be fine; they won't try to get me while I'm in the hospital. I'll call you guys with updates, okay?"

The deafening sound of the ambulance could be heard below, its bright red lights flashing into the second-floor studio.

"I'll be fine. Now get out of here before they start asking questions. If anyone stops you to talk, just keep going."

"Call us as soon as-"

"I'll be okay. Worry about yourselves right now."

With one look back at Tidus, Sora dashed away, running down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk below, Riku and Kairi close behind. He fumbled for his keys, pulling them out of his pocket and unlocking the old car. He turned it on and floored it, determined to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

Ha, yeah... Ridiculous, right? I'm hoping I didn't epic fail too much here.

I'm not sure how up everyone is on stoner culture or if any of the terms I used in this are colloquial. If you have a question feel free to ask either me or Urban Dictionary, which can probably give you a more eloquent answer.

I based the Chateau off of this studio near my old college that I miss terribly. It was the place everyone went to hang out despite the fact that a lot of the people who performed kind of sucked. Still, it had an awesome atmosphere, and that's what drew us in.

Thanks for reading!