Footsteps in Peanut Butter By: Snowprincess

She wasn't exactly sure how she had gotten to this point. A tumble of emotions and pain filtered through the days until all at once at her desk in the Dragonfly Inn she found herself unable to handle the things that life had thrown her recently. It was a feeling not unlike what she had experienced during the final days of reconstruction when she was barely holding it together, only then someone had been able to step in and lend that helping hand. Breathing became harder and for a few moments she actually wondered if she was going through what her father had gone through so many Christmases ago. The brief thought of giving up red meat came and went faster than she had time to process it.

Without thought or reguard as to her responsibilities Lorelai found herself getting back into her jeep and driving home. She numbly unpacked her travel luggage from the hall closet and brought it up to her room, pausing for a moment to bid Paul Anka a "hello" from his hiding spot behind the couch. Light layers; good advice. No dresses or heels, just comfortable jeans and slightly dressier pants, mixed in with every rock and roll t-shirt and fashionable workout top she could find.

It was strange how she wanted to cry but couldn't find the tears. But she wouldn't foreget her Highway to Hell this time.

The bags were dropped by the door as she turned to take one last look at the house that she had lived in. It had seen the changes taking place in the lives of the occupants and would miraculously keep standing once she was gone. The weight of what she was about to do settled on her and suddenly her shoulders felt harder to hold up.

Lorelai went to the desk and sat down for a few moments before pulling out some of the stationary that Rory had left the last time she had visited. At the thought of her daughter she reminded herself to turn off her cell phone; as much as she loved her child, this pain she knew she must bear alone. Maybe in time she could open up again, but until then it was better that Rory not know where she was going, or that information would surely pass to Emily as well, and that was another realm of heartache that she dare not delve into. For now one letter would be enough.

Dear Luke,

These past few weeks have been some of the most difficult that I could have ever imagined. I thought that us being engaged could be the good thing that offset some of the bad things that just seem to target us once we think things are looking up. I wanted to look on that fact that you have a daughter as an unexpected but possibly great thing, a headstart (plus Rory) on the family that we talked about the night we got engaged. I understood you hesitance to tell me at first even if I was hurt that you were not the one to actually tell me that you fathered a child, or by the fact that most of the town seemed to know who she was before I did. I'm not sure if either one of us could have seen this coming.

A part of me is screaming inside my head to just forget what I'm doing now and rush to the diner to tell you how hurt and neglected I've felt these weeks. Not only have you separated me from what should be a joint life, but you then feel the need to try and cover it up by trying to do things that you think will make me feel better (I know that you and Logan have completely different jewlery tastes-- it's not the first time he's boughten something for her). The other side of me is just wallowing in the pain you have caused, hoping that you will come home right now to fix it and at the same time so scared that the feeling at all will go away.

I don't know if I'm exactly mad at you or just dissapointed that you don't feel the need to share this part of your life with me. I certainly feel it's hypocritical considering that I have included you in every contact that I've had with Christopher since he showed up again, all because it's necessary to be that honest with you. And yet you don't feel that you owe me the same thing in return?

I never wanted to postpone the wedding. I only offered it out of courtesy but I didn't think that you would accept. Of course you know all this now but it still hurts I guess. And I don't agree with the lobster dinner-- too much of a chance of a food allergen coming out at a bad time.

Luke, trust me when I say that both of us have a long way to go before we're even close to being ready to fully commit to one another. I need to be able to trust that you aren't going to keep secrets from me and you need to be able to include me in every part of your life. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get to that point, but I don't want to worry about what's going to happen next anymore. I can't marry you if things don't get any better and you don't feel the need to work to improve anything.

Please know that I will always love you and that you're my penguin. And take care of yourself while I'm gone. Take time with April and make sure that everything you want is what you have. Tell Sookie and Michel that they're in charge of the inn for awhile, and try not to kill each other in the process. I'm not going to be in contact with Rory, so checking in now and then would be appreciative, and let her know that I'm alright okay? Last but not least don't forget about Paul Anka. I would take him with me but he's scared of car rides (although he has no problem getting in the car).

I hope to see you soon, but I have some searching of my own to be done.

All my love,

Lorelai Victoria Gilmore

By the time she was over she realized that she was crying. The tears kept falling as she took off her engagement ring and placed it on top of the letter, not even bothering to lock up as she took her things and headed out to the jeep, not even looking back as she drove out of town.