(Toadstool is playing outside, Bowser swoops in to kidnap her for the millionth time)
Toadstool: MARIO! HELP ME!
Mario: Dammit, again?
(Mario goes to Bowser's Keep, sees Toadstool and Bowser on the chandelier)
Bowser: You cannot defeat me Mario! I am the great –
Mario: Shut up already. (jumps on the chain. Bowser falls to his apparent death)
Toadstool: MARIO! How can I ever –
Mario: Let's just go. (something crashes into the castle) …Oh shi – ! (gets blasted away)
STAR PIECE #1
Mario: AAAAAAHHHHH – (lands inside his own house)
Toad: Hey Mario! Lots of people use something called a "door" to go in and out of their houses…Wait where's the princess?
Mario: …
Toad: Fuck. AGAIN?!
Mario: (goes back to Bowser's Keep, notices Exor) What the – ?!
Exor: BITCH, PLEASE. (destroys the bridge)
Mario: Aw, shit. The Chancellor's gonna be pissed…(goes to Mushroom Kingdom, pantomimes entire story to the Chancellor)
Chancellor: GODDAMMIT MARIO THIS IS YOUR FAULT WHY DIDN'T YOU LOOK AFTER HER I PAID YOU LOTS OF COINS TO BABYSIT HER WELL YOU SUCK
Mario: (leaves) Whatever…(it starts raining suddenly)…the fuck? (notices a kid [Mallow] crying) Stop crying!
Mallow: Okay…(rain stops)…wait why was I crying?
Mario: *facepalm*
Mallow: OH! Someone stole my coin. Will you help me get it back?
Mario: No. (walks off, it starts raining again) Geez, FINE!
Mallow: Thanks! I'm Mallow!
Mario: …Whatever.
(They confront Croco in Bandit's Way)
Croco: Look at me! I'm rich! I'm –
Mallow: BASTARD! (spams Thunderbolt)
Croco: Fine! Here! (gives back Frog Coin)
Mallow: YAY! Wait! Mario! WAIT! (Mario jumps on warp trampoline)
(Mario and Mallow return to the Mushroom Kingdom throne room and find Mack)
Mack: This star is OURS! No one's gonna take this from US!
Mario: IDIOT! (continuously pounds Mack with his hammer until he turns to dust)
Mack: Nooooo! I'll remember this!
Mario: STAR GET! (receives first Star Piece)
Chancellor: MARIO! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS KINGDOM WAS TAKEN OVER WHAT IS THAT MARSHMALLOW DOING HERE HOW DARE YOU OH WE'RE SAFE WELL HURRY YOUR SORRY ASS AND GET TOADSTOOL BACK!
Mario: Tch. Fine. (steals items from treasure vault and leaves)