I walk slowly to his grave, and settle down a single red rose on top of his tombstone.
It's been a year since Shane died. People say it would get easier as days go on, but they don't know. They don't know the happiness that Shane gave me. They don't know the care he gave me. They didn't know the love he gave me. They don't know how Shane changed my life, and how he was the sun of my entire life. Without him, I feel empty, I feel cold, and I feel almost hopeless.
He was in an accident. I wasn't there with him when he crashed; the doctors had to call me. I started shaking, and rushed to the hospital. My tears were streaming down as I drove 5 miles over the speed limit. I was surprised I made it to the hospital without crashing myself. They told me they were drunk drivers that hit Shane. I stayed there with him, waiting for him to wake up. The doctors kept telling me he wasn't going to make it. I couldn't believe them. At one point I got so angry for at them for some reason. I yelled at the doctors and nurses for them to stop lying, that he was going to make it. But, I knew they were right, he was gone. I remember sinking to the ground in the middle of the hospitals hallway and having a complete meltdown when I finally realized that Shane was dead.
Every day, I force myself out of my bed. It's always hard. Every day, I get up, and imagine Shane there, not wanting to get up, and I would laugh, and then Shane would kiss me. Then reality comes and smacks me in the face when I realize that Shane isn't there, and he never will be there again.
"Hi, Shane, how are you?" I wait for him to respond, but he doesn't. "I'm okay?" That wasn't true, I felt empty. Would I ever feel fine again? "Today is my birthday. I didn't want a party, but if I did, you would be invited. Of course you would get invited…" I didn't realize I was crying until I saw my vision go blurry.
"Shane… I miss you…" I put my face in my hands. I was sobbing now. "Are you there? Listening to what I say? I haven't felt normal since the day you…" I couldn't finish that sentence. "I only feel normal with you. You made me feel so special… so special… I miss you. I miss you so much." I kept wiping away my tears with my shirt, but they wouldn't stop. I cried for what seemed like hours.
"Joey, it's going to be okay. It is okay. I'm right here with you. I'm always with you." Shane. It was Shane. I turned around and saw Shane smiling at me.
"Shane? Shane! Oh my God!" I ran into his arms and hugged him tightly. "Shane, I missed you so much, where did you go? Why did you leave me? I'm so scared, I need you so much," The words were racing out of my mouth, I couldn't handle myself. Shane started rubbing his hand up and down my back ever so softly. He calmed me down.
"Joey, I don't have much time. I've miss you so much too, more than you can imagine. But I'm right here, with you," His words soothed me.
"Shane… please stay… I don't know what to do without you," The tears were coming again.
"Joey, I know that you aren't able to see me… or hear me, but I'm always there with you. Every day when you wake up, I'm there. When you go to bed at night, I'm there. I'm always there, with you. Okay? It will be okay, you will be okay. Do this for me." Shane kissed me on the lips for a few long savoring seconds. I closed my eyes. God, I missed that.
"I'll be okay… I'll be okay." I said. My voice was barley a whisper.
"Yes, you will. Joey, I love you. Don't you ever forget that I love you, okay?"
"I won't ever forget that. I love you so much, Shane. You will always be my only love," Shane pulled back, and he smiled at me. I smiled back, weakly.
"I have to go now. You will be okay. I love you." I started to panic.
"Don't go, please stay. I need you, I need you so much. Don't leave," I started to cry again.
"It will okay, Joey. One day, you will be able to be with me, forever. But until then," Shane kissed me, and I calmed down. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I kept my eyes closed, even when Shane pulled away. Shane will always be with me.
When I opened my eyes, he was gone. I waited for the pain in my chest to come, but it didn't. I didn't even feel like crying, anymore. I had hope. The hope only Shane could give me. I am going to continue on with my life, even if I won't be able to see Shane. But Shane will be with me. He's always with me.
"I love you, Shane. Thank you… for everything." I said. And somehow, I smiled.