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Song Inspiration: When I'm 64
Title of One-Shot: Hindsight
Pairing: Edward & Bella
POV: Edward
Rating: M/NC-17
Word Count: 2,521
Summary or Description: Bella wants to become like Edward before she grows too much older than him. Edward is certain he knows best and plans to love Bella through every stage of her life. What happens when it comes time for him to face the inevitable?
This one-shot is being posted in participation with the All You Need is Love contest hosted by Camoozle, Emerald_Rosalie, Lightstardusting & Miztrezboo.
Please see the contest profile for full details.
"When you can live forever, what do you live for?" Throughout my infinite existence I pondered that question many times. I watched people come and go, places grow and change. I welcomed some of the changes that happened in the world with time and technology, although I missed the natural flow of simpler times. Yet still, I had never really found a reason to continue on. I fed only to exist for my family; never having discovered anything else that actually inspired me to survive another day. Until I found her. Bella Swan. The beautifully silent mind that caught my attention her very first day at Forks High. Never had I craved anything or anyone more than I craved her. Her scent. Her blood. Her smile. Her touch. Her love. And now the one demand she makes, the choice she thinks will make her happy, is the very thing I cannot allow. "When you can live forever, what do you live for?" Never has the weight of the answer to that question ever been so crucial.
Flash
I look into Bella's beautiful brown eyes as she begs me to turn her; as she begs my family to vote for her to become one of us. She pleads with each of them, begging Carlisle...pleading with Rosalie. But I will forever stand firm against her...against all of them. I cannot understand her wanting to be like me and my family, as if it is a glamorous subsistence. It is a curse. A never ending curse. She even goes as far as to agree to marry me. If I turn her. Oh, the notion appeals to me, of course. What more could I ask for than to spend my miserably infinite existence with the woman I loved? But I cannot be that selfish. I am adamant. I must allow her all the opportunities I never had. I know she cannot fully fathom the damnation she was requesting by pleading for eternal life; all she was willing to give up. But I know too well, I'd lived it. She approaches me with the same argument I've heard over and over. "But Edward, I want to be like you. I am asking you to turn me now before I start looking older than you. Pleeease. I don't want to grow old and wrinkled and ugly while you remain extraordinary." I've heard her plead more times than I can count. I make sure it always lands on deaf ears; the matter is not debatable. I will love my Bella throughout every stage of her life. And she will experience absolutely everything her life hasto offer. And I will be thankful for each and every moment she continues to allow me to be part of her existence. It amazes me how poorly she grasps the intensity of my feelings for her, how she can continue to doubt me. I will love her forever, and she will be nothing less than forever beautiful in my eyes.
Flash
I watch as Bella becomes my wife in the backyard of my family's home. My breath catches as my eyes find her on Charlie's arm moving toward me and I am once again amazed by the fact that she has actually agreed to marry me. She is an exquisite vision in white, flowers cascading through her long russet tendrils, her porcelain skin perfectly painted to accentuate her delicate features. I feel my body react to the mere sight of her, the need of her. All I want is to be able to love her without fear of harm. Just the fact that she is marrying me and appears no older than the day we met is a reminder that I have given in. I have agreed in a moment of weakness to turn her. To selfishly kill her ability to live life as it should be lived; extinguishing her opportunity to experience all it has to offer. The shame I feel with that realization is overwhelming. Bella and I walk arm and arm throughout the crowd of guests. Then I see him. Torn jeans, no shirt, bare feet. Territorial and seething. He speaks words that catch my attention, spark my rage, accelerate my shame. I know he speaks the truth. I have no right to make her like me. She deserves to be more than a monster. Bella whispers "Tonight? Will you do it tonight?" I ignore the question, pretend I don't hear. I have no intention of turning her this night or any other. She will be angry, I know that. But our love will hold fast.
Flash
We are hurrying and nervous, exchanging our airline tickets in order to race home from our honeymoon early. Something is wrong. Bella's arms cradle her stomach as if carrying something precious. I can hear Carlisle's voice explaining that it is not that vampires could not reproduce, rather that we should not. Bella is pregnant and her love for our unborn child is apparent on her face, in her eyes, with the careful way she carries her body. Her pregnancy accelerates much faster than most. I watch as her beautiful body changes and swells to accommodate and protect the seed of our love. Yet, I cannot look at her and be happy. Sadness consumes me. She should not have the child; carrying it to term will kill her. I watch her expression as Carlisle and I explain the direness of the situation, the threat to her life. But each time she begs "Pleeeease. I need to be like you. We need to raise this child together... forever." Still, unless absolutely necessary, I will not conform. I will not condemn Bella to an eternity of hell. I plan with Carlisle to deliver our child early. To monitor the growth rate closely and to take the baby as soon as it is safe. I watch as Bella fights us shouting "It's too soon!"; wanting to deliver at full term, fearing for her child. Nonetheless, Carlisle and I proceed successfully. I watch as our little girl makes her way into our world and I know then that our world will never be the same.
Flash
I watch him with her, my daughter. She becomes more animated, happier whenever he is near. She squeals while holding his palm to her cheek. He smiles, amused by whatever thought she is currently sharing with him. He loves her, I can see that. But Idon't understand it. Of course, she is a charming child to us, but I can't fathom why he is always here, almost as if to taunt me. Bella assures me it is okay. She promises he'll watch out for her. She explains that they have a connection; they need one another. I hate it. I despise him. But my wife welcomes him, so I let him stay. Bella is tired, too tired for me to put her through an argument over it. Giving birth to our daughter has taken a toll on her body. But she trudges forward each day enjoying everything about being a mother. And she is a good mother. Just to see her holding our daughter, communicating with her in her own little way is absolutely breath-taking. So many things I always thought impossible, my future will now hold. And Bella pretends to have come to terms with the fact that her life will never be supernaturally altered. She seems to have accepted that she will live just as she'd originally been intended to live. But I can't ignore the veil of sadness she wears while watching our little girl and her...dog...play. I realize it must be difficult for Bella to imagine the rest of us living on long after she is gone. It is an evil twist of fate for my wife to have given birth to an immortal child. But neither of us had decided that for our daughter, and I will not make that cursed decision for my one true love. We will be as normal a family as possible. And lucky us...our family comes with a guard dog, whether I like it or not.
Flash
I watch as our daughter grows and changes quickly. The years fly by before my eyes. Only seven years following her birth, our daughter appears to be 17 years old and will never age a day more. Beautiful like her mother, it would be difficult to keep the boys away, if it weren't for him. He's remained with our girl all this time...waiting for her. It takes every bit of control I have not to kill him; to banish him from our lives permanently. But she loves him. It is obvious in the way she speaks to him, smiles at him, looks at him. It is inevitable that he is to be part of our lives. I am certain it is to be my personal lesson in patience. We have to move from Forks order to avoid suspicion as our daughter ages so quickly. And the family pet comes with us, at our daughter's insistence. Over time, I can see Bella changing, as well; laugh lines, a gray hair or two, tightening of the skin on her face, loosening of the skin on her arms. All of it, to me, beautiful. Tokens of honor for a life well spent. My Bella is ravishing no matter the decade. And each time we have to move, Bella simply smiles as she packs our things, happily moving on together as a family. As we move from town to town, the looks and the whispers grow more frequent. Bella goes from being our daughter's mother, to her aunt, to her nanny when in public. I hear women with envy in their eyes refer to Bella as a cougar, apparently that is what people are calling older woman interested in younger men. If only they knew exactly how much older I really was. She is merely a child by comparison. But my Bella, she plays it off like a champ, joking about how they are just jealous that an old lady like her is "getting it on' with a young stud like me. She purposely kisses me passionately and watches as they see red. She laughs about it, but her eyes can never deceive me. They hold shame. That saddens me, but it only makes me love her with more passion and vigor. For Bella will be forever seventeen in my eyes.
Flash
Bella sits at the table looking more tired than I've ever seen her. Her hair is still long, pulled back, heavily peppered with gray. Loose pieces cascade around her face. My family is scattered about the room. Carlisle and Esme on the couch. Rose and Emmett lean against the counter. Alice, smiling and excited, sits at the table beside Bella. Jasper's hands grasp the back of Alice's chair as he looks on. Our daughter comes in from the kitchen followed by her husband...the canine. Both their faces are lit with love for Bella. They carry a large glowing cake weighted heavily with an abundance of candles. The numbers 6 and 4 stand proudly in the center. Bella's beautiful face holds a look of indifference as it always had during our 47 years together when the day of her birth rolled around. She rolls her eyes at the cake, but smiles at her daughter and her old friend. She wraps her arms around my waist and pulls me close before closing her fingers around my hand. After more attempts than I'd have thought necessary, Bella extinguishes every candle. I watch her fragile hand unsteadily lift the knife to cut the cake just before it drops limply onto the table. She looks at me with the same eyes I'd fallen in love with all those years ago, but now they are filled with weariness and alarm. I recall that she has seemed more tired lately, sometimes falling asleep sitting right up in her chair. And, though she has always eaten like a bird, she seemed to be consuming even less during the past several months. Fear consumes me as I wonder what can be wrong with the love of my life.
Flash
Carlisle monitors her treatment. Esme carries in a tray of sandwiches. My daughter and her husband hold one another and speak to Bella about grandchildren. I wrestle one hand through my hair, and stroke Bella's cheek with the other. My eyes fall to the bottle of pain medications on the bedside table. I notice the paleness of her skin, the frailty of her limbs, the clamminess of her flesh. I stare in horror at the tubes coming in and out of her body. I raise my eyes to meet hers. They are still beautiful and deep and caring. But they have also become weak and yellowed with age. Her hair appears dull and thinned, large bare patches gape from where a head full of thick beautiful strands had once been. Still, in all her obvious pain and discomfort she raises one side of her mouth to offer me a smile; her attempt at making me more comfortable. I fight to keep my composure for her, pushing away the fear that accompanies the thoughts of a Bella-less life. I cannot exist without her. I need her with me, always. I wrap my arms around my middle, doubling over in response to the word I hear leave my father's lips. Cancer. I stand paralyzed, as a deep agonizing pain slowly twisted its way up from the pit of my stomach and through my chest until it is expelled from my lips in the form of silent sobs.
I want it to stop. I need it all to just ....
Flash
Stop! Alice, stop! I shake my sister, pushing her thoughts from my mind. I can't take another second. I find myself on my knees, my hands shaking, my eyes stinging from their need for tears. The hallow emptiness of my heartless chest aches for the girl I love. She is the only thing that has ever given my existence any semblance of reason. I know that now.
I watch as my sister's red streaked eyes focus and come back to the present. Terror fills them as her recent thoughts register in her mind. It was horrible for me to have coerced her into watching as her best friend withered away, knowing there was nothing she could do to stop it.
I take her hand and I pull her into the living room where we find Bella with the rest of our family. She is young and beautiful, innocent and naive. Her eyes hold youth and hope; promise. I run to her, pull her into my arms and spin her around until her feet leave the ground. She looks at me, her eyes large and condescending. They dare me to challenge her. I admire her resolve. And I will...forever.
I cradle her face with my hands and nod, knowing I have no choice but to make the egocentric, cowardly choice.
"Okay. I'll do it."
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