Yes, this is an Avengers parody of the Emperor's New Groove. Tony Stark is my new favorite Disney Princess. I regret nothing.
"Jarvis. My theme song."
"Yes sir."
Tony Stark, the world's one and only genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, and Emperor of Stark Industries kicked open the door of his hundred-square-foot penthouse shower. Charisma seeped out of his every pore in perfect harmony to the heavy rock music ripping through the air. Boom, baby!
A towel hung stylishly around his hips-everything he wore was stylish by definition-while he paused in front of his expansive windows to give the city a fucking fantastic air guitar show in the nude.
At the bar, Jarvis had already fixed his coffee the way he liked it (two sugars, no cream) and had set the mug next to a stack of documents that Pepper dropped off earlier in the morning. Still in a towel, Tony hip-thrust his way over to his bar, grabbed a pen, gave it a twirl, and brought it to his lips to lip synch the high note. He was just getting to the good part when, all at once, the music cut off so that Jarvis could announce the arrival of an unexpected visitor.
Tony dropped the pen, mildly irritated. "Jarvis, you've really got to work on your timing. You announce guests before they get here because I have fucking eyes to tell me when they do."
"I'm sorry, sir. I will keep that in mind," said his AI in its classy British accent. Most of the people Tony had one-night-stands with tended to start screaming without a care for his fragile hung over mind once morning came; his digital butler needed a sexy voice to compensate.
Tony turned to assume his fabulous intimidating stance: feet apart, arms crossed, and no, he was not flexing, his arms were just that buff. "Coulson," he barked before the other man could even open his mouth to speak, "You just threw off my groove." He raised one eyebrow to ramp up the intimidation while smirking sexily for the fabulous effect.
"Mr. Stark, this matter is rather urgen-"
Fortunately, Jarvis was programmed well enough to recognize when his programmer wanted someone gone. "I'm sorry, Mr. Coulson, but you have interrupted my master's groove." Mechanical arms shot out of the walls and began strapping the poor man into a parachute before he could process what was happening. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to defenestrate you. When in the air, pull the red tag to release the chute. The temperature is 76 degrees Fahrenheit; the weather is sunny. Please enjoy your trip and have a wonderful day." The mechanical arms took only a second to finish their task before grabbing Coulson by the shoulders and launching him out a side window.
"Loki's planning to usurp the company..." Coulson managed to get out before he fell out of earshot.
Tony chuckled to himself and sauntered to the window to watch the large red parachute bearing his name unfold over the cityscape. "You moron, I've known that since the day I hired him. I'm leagues ahead of you, boy. Now, Jarvis, where were we?" A dramatic guitar riff tore through the air and Tony did a turn that would make a professional ballerina sob with jealousy.
Boom, baby.
Some time later, in the immaculate hallways of Stark office building, Pepper was assaulting his right ear in a hurried attempt to simultaneously scold him and debrief of the day's schedule. Tony had already missed the board meeting (surprise, surprise). Besides, he'd only missed it because he had taken his time getting dressed so that he could look presentable for a meeting for once (on the off chance that it was miraculously still in session by the time he arrived, that was). The sleek Italian suit fit better than a glove, emphasizing all the right parts of his marvelous physique. Judging by the number of office ladies that suffered from spontaneous bouts of clumsiness as he walked by, he would say that he just might have a chance with Pepper today.
"...and a Dr. Bruce Banner will be here shortly to talk with you about the new missile testing site."
Reaching his shining mahogany door, Tony swiveled on his heel to press a finger against his secretary's lips. "Pepper, darling, you work too hard; why don't you stop by my place for a drink after work today. I'm sure I can relieve some of your tensions."
Pepper rolled her eyes to indicated she understood her boss had not listened to a word she'd said. "Good day, Mr. Stark. I'll be at my desk if you need me."
"Oh, I do need you, beautiful, and not at a desk." Tony called after her retreating hour glass figure, "Unless you like that sort of thing, in which case I shall be most happy to oblige..." He chuckled as she flipped him off.
Upon entering his office, Tony was not too surprised to find his chief advisor, Loki, sitting behind his desk with his hunk of a brother standing dutifully behind him. The two brothers had one of the most confusing family dynamics Tony had ever run up against, which was saying something, considering he was a part of his own family. Obligatory relationships had never been his strong suit. Back on topic. Put safely, Thor let Loki stomp all over him with his heeled designer snakeskin shoes because of extraordinarily strong familial love. Right.
Now, morning defenestrations aside, Tony considered himself a laid back sort of guy. His latest psychologist had termed it being "relaxed to the point of error". Loki was also the brilliant employee that combined cruel with cunning to make every deal work out in their favor. But, as much as he hated to do anything about it (partially because it required him to do real work), Tony had to admit that Loki's control-the-company-behind-Tony's-back schtick really did need to stop.
"Hello, my dear fairy-princess with luscious, black curls; whose seat do you think you're warming with your fabulous fat-bubbles of buttcheeks?"
Loki raised an eyebrow to question his mental health but otherwise ignored the jab. His stood up slowly, with dignity, as though he were honoring a request instead of obeying an order. "Flirting with your secretary again? How painfully cliché of you."
"Would you rather I call you 'beautiful' instead?" Tony waggled his eyebrows as he not-so-subtly ogled Loki's ass. Thor made a gargling noise in the corner. Tony ignored him. He had hired Loki for two reasons: one, the man was a rare genius that reminded him of himself, and two, Loki was eye candy in a thousand dollar suit. No overprotective-to-the point-of-incestuous brother could make him give up his privilege of appreciating his employees' assets. Besides, Thor's eyes weren't focused on anything more appropriate. Loki gave a polite cough to pull the room's attention away from his hips.
Tony sat down and propped his feet up on the table. "I take it you had no real reason for being in my office besides attempting to take my company for yourself, which I must say, would work better if you got rid of me first. Since I'm still here, though, would you be willing to consider my pole dance offer? I'll raise your Christmas bonus by twenty percent."
"How could you think such a thing?" Loki said in a very convincing show of sincerity. "I want nothing more than to help you take this company to heights never before obtained in the weapons industry. And I'm not going to answer your second question."
"That's a damn pity. Your legs would look amazing in heels..." Tony trailed off, a wistful expression dimming his eyes for just a moment. "I can't say I believe your declaration of loyalty but it sounds good when you say it. Thank you. Without further ado then, you're fired." Tony smiled a warm closed lip smile and gestured dramatically at the door as if he were showing Loki into a party rather than telling him to pack up his shit and get out.
If Loki wasn't already paler than the moon, he might have looked as though all the color had drained from his face. But since the guy already looked like an evil mastermind who spent all his time underground scheming, or in Loki's case, practicing "black magic", he just looked somewhat like a shocked Bambi. Maybe how Bambi would look if he watched his mother shot and then turned into barbecued venison.
"What do you mean fired?" Loki grit out. It was rather impressive the way he could talk without parting his teeth.
While he was sure Loki's expression was a reaction to the news of his recent downsizing, Tony couldn't help but feel a bit self conscious under Loki's wide eyed stare. He checked his reflection on his high-gloss polished table top. Nope, still the paragon of attractive. Fixing a stray lock of hair took precedence over answering Loki's question, though, so he put his full concentration into fitting the lock back into his carefully crafted just-got-out-of-bed look. He was a touch disappointed when Loki was still in the room by the time he'd finished.
"Look, it pains me to lose a mesmerizing creature such as you, but how else can I say this? You're being let go; you're no longer needed; we decided not to choose your clever but impossible option; you're being too predictable... take your pick. There's a lot more where that came from but I don't want to hurt your feelings too much."
Loki took a deep breath. "I'm being too predictable?"
Tony laughed and leaned back into his leather upholstery. "I threw Coulson out the window today because he picked up on your 'taking over the company' vibes. If oblivious lapdog can scry your ever present ulterior motive, then you're being too obvious. I hired you to help this company be less obvious and you've failed at your job. Accept it, move on, get drunk, I'll extend to you the same invitation I extended to Pepper." Tony paused to take in Loki's horrified expression and considered leaving his small rant unfinished, but fuck all, he was Tony Stark and he had a reputation to keep. "Though in your case, you're going to have to come over so the desk part probably can't happen. I do have a bar, though, if you're really into that kind of thing."
For the first time in his life, Loki found himself without words to rebuff his obviously insane and forever horny employer. "I willbe back." he hissed and stormed out.
"Hasta la vista, baby" Tony smirked after him.
Thor scrambled to follow Loki out the door like the lovesick puppy he was. He paused to throw Tony an angry glare and a "Anthony Stark, I must warn you notto inappropriately address my brother's voluptuous rear in the future. He is quite self-conscious, even if he makes a concerted effort not to show it." before disappearing from sight.
Once the fun had officially run off, Tony found himself quite bored and decided to amuse himself by seeing how many times he could spin in his chair before feeling nauseous. Pepper stuck her head through the door before he could make himself vomit. "Dr. Banner is here to see you." Tony quickly began spinning in the opposite direction in an attempt to clear his head a little.
Dr. Bruce Banner, as Pepper introduced, was a man with a somewhat large build and a penchant for rumpled green clothing. Between him and Loki, Tony had seen enough green to last him the rest of the week. "Ahhhh, you are exactly the man that I've been waiting to see." Tony smiled and turned slightly so that his intensely bleached teeth would catch the sunlight and blind the other man with charm.
"Uh." The man blinked against the glare, "I'm glad? Forgive me, Mr. Stark, for being a bit confused. Your letter wasn't too informative beside the fact that you would do unspeakable things concerning a bomb and a small animal if I failed to show up here."
"My, did I really? Well, details are exhausting. In short, I have a problem and you can fix it. Jarvis, pull up the file." Tony stood and walked to stand next to Bruce as hologram loaded.
"That's my research facility." Bruce observed, "I'm doing experiments concerning biological regeneration. If my experiments succeed, humans may never have to worry about fatal injuries again."
"Yes blah blah. This research facility is in the middle of Uninhabited Nowhere, New Mexico correct?"
Bruce made a face at the name. "I suppose it is. My experiments are potentially dangerous so we tried to build the labs as far away from people as we could."
Tony nodded in understanding. "That's perfect. My problem is solved. Thank you for coming and expect a very large check in the mail sometime in the near future. Pepper will show you to the exit."
Bruce pivoted to face Tony, guarded suspicion in his eyes "What do you want with my lab?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Another blinding smile. "I want to blow it up."
Now Bruce was wearing the Bambi look.
"Here, allow me to demonstrate." Tony tapped a few virtual buttons start the simulated explosions. "You are aware of the fact that I am Tony Stark weapons extraordinaire, correct? Well, I've really outdone myself with my latest missile and it would be too much of a waste to test it on godforsaken empty land. I want to blow up buildings. You have buildings that are privately owned and far away from civilization. Ergo, I want to blow up your buildings. It's kind of my birthday present to me." He beamed lovingly at the hologram "I'm so happy."
Bruce needed to sit down.
What did I just write? I can't believe I posted that. Anyways, expect an update every 3 days or so? I shamelessly beg for reviews to placate my insecurities.