Home Movies
Another brief humorous piece by me. I thought this one up at sometime past midnight trying to get some sleep before the first day of school. It's hard. School is incredibly evil this year, so those of you who're reading this and are still in elementary school or junior high, you're the lucky ones! High school is evil. College is probably eviler. Anyway, randomness, shounen-ai, language, nosebleeds, and parodying await you. Again, this was something that popped into my head at an ungodly hour, so if it's stupid, whatever.
It was Friday night, and the Gundam Boys…or ex-Gundam Boys now working for Preventers…had the night off, for once. Of course, by the time Friday evening had finally come along, they were all too tired to go out and do anything. So, being the good friends they are, they invited housekeeper-slash-good buddy Hilde Schbeiker over for pizza and a movie.
"So what are we watching here, anyways?" the petite bluenette asked, retying her bandana as she sprawled out on the thus-far unoccupied love seat. Duo was desperately trying to get Heero to cuddle with him, though the formerly Perfect Soldier seemed to have no desire at all whatsoever to 'cuddle.' Quatre was bonelessly sprawled across Trowa, his golden head resting on his boyfriend's thigh. And Wufei was rummaging around the boxes of videos that were scattered around and behind their television set. Hey, they may be war heroes and be living with the richest kid in the universe, but they still can't afford a DVD player…other than Heero, but Heero's the official techie so of course he's going to have a DVD player.
"Well, onna, if you'd let me look, I'd tell you," Wufei barked, tossing aside a copy of Soylent Green. Nothing looked appealing, especially considering most of the movies were Duo's preference in film or some of Heero's random anime tapes. His hand finally rested on a black case, a duct tape label reading "HOME MOVIES."
"Home movies? What's that?" Quatre mumbled, looking about ready to fall over unconscious.
"None of us ever really had homes to have home movies," Trowa pointed out.
"Hn. Put it in the VCR, Wufei," Heero instructed, waving a hand at the Chinese boy lazily. Wufei grumbled and popped the tape in with the heel of his hand.
"Maxwell, onna, quit hogging the popcorn!"
Hilde stuck her tongue out. "Only when you stop calling me 'onna,' Wuffie."
The tape slowly whirred to life, the blued screen displaying the counter for a moment, and then the movie began.
~^~
The familiar keyboard riffs of "Just Communication" were being blared in the background, but rather than the customary scenes of Heero and Wing, the image portrayed was that of Duo, dancing around in a bedroom with nothing on but a purple towel hitched around his waist, his hair loose and in wet tangles, singing into a hairbrush.
"Just wild beat communication! Um…mumble, something, it's all in Japanese! I don't know what I'm singing; it's probably about porn. Something, something, something, doodle de doodle tonight!" he sang, giggling as he made up words to the theme song. From behind the camera Wufei's voice chimed in.
"Put some pants on, Maxwell, or I'm going to need a blood transfusion."
Duo turned and winked at the camera rakishly. "Oh, come on, Wu. You don't find me sexy?"
"You're about as sexy as Howard. Now knock that off."
"Only if you do the narration voice-over while I get changed," Duo bargained, pouting.
Wufei snorted as the camera angle shifted to the hallway. "I'm not doing that stupid narration. Barton! Do the damn narration!"
Heero came out of the bathroom with a pair of rubber gloves on his hands. "He's having his hair colored. Do the narration yourself."
Quatre appeared out of nowhere, looking rather cross with everyone.
"I'll do it, then." He coughed. "With high expectations, human beings leave Earth to begin a new life in colonies in outer space. However, the United Earth Sphere Alliance gains control of these colonies in the name of justice…and peace. The year is After Colony 195, Operation Meteor. In a move to counter the Alliance, rebel citizens of certain colonies send mobile suits called Gundams to Earth, disguised as shooting stars. However, the Alliance catches on to their plan. All right, are you happy? Can I go?"
The camera nodded and Heero walked out of the bathroom with his gloves again.
"Must I go through with this?" he sighed. Camera nodded. "Fine. Episode pi, Home Movies…a parody of some significant moments in our mostly insignificant lives."
Hilde was already laughing at the movie. "Were you guys drunk when you made this? It's a riot!"
Trowa grimaced. "I remember making this. I think they had to drug me to cooperate."
"Oh, but you were such a good actor!" Duo whimpered. "Now quiet, the episode's starting!"
The screen displayed television snow for a moment, and then the image cleared, revealing what looked like a balcony and tables scribbled in magic marker onto a bed sheet, which was clothespinned to the curtain rods in the living room of Gundam House. Standing in front of said backdrop was Duo, wearing a very pink little ensemble, his hair braided into a familiar style. He was clutching an exaggeratedly large white envelope.
"Here you go, Heero," he said, pitching his voice into an obvious falsetto. "It's an invitation to my birthday party. I hope you can come."
Heero, wearing a too-small white dress shirt he'd borrowed from Quatre, proceeded to snatch the envelope out of "Relena's" hands and shredded it into confetti-sized chunks, which he threw into the air with a mocking smirk. Duo's lips quivered.
"But…but why? We were going to have pony rides and a piñata, and a clown that can make balloon animals and…"
Heero walked past him, pausing as he uttered, "I'll destroy you."
Duo's eyes widened, but for a different reason. "Heero! Since when have we gone by Cartoon Network standards! I mean, come on? Say it right!"
Heero rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll kill you."
"Oh, come on! I hardly feel threatened. And the audience won't respect you if you don't say it right."
Heero let out a groan of sheer exasperation. "Fine! Omae o korosu."
Duo grinned lasciviously. "I hope you do, Hee-baby, I hope you do."
Hilde was slapping her thigh, howling. "Oh God! Oh God, if only that was how it really happened! Oh, you guys are too much."
Trowa growled. "I remember this next part. Hated it."
The pinned-up background was removed, and Wufei (amazing cameraman that he is) took the camera into the basement, where a rusty old Aries hatch had been stashed. Duo had taken it home from the junkyard in hopes of creating modern art with it.
"We're not coming out, you can't make us!" Quatre's voice rang out from somewhere away from the camera.
"You better, Winner. Or else!" Wufei growled from his position behind the camera.
"No way! I'm filthy rich, I own my own colony, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do! So there!"
Wufei growled. "Listen to me, you prissy little onna. If I have to be dragged into this, so do you. Now get out here or I'll make sure you and Barton don't have sex again for three months."
"Better do what he says," Trowa's voice mumbled.
An incredibly short Zechs Merquise tromped into view, glaring out from the eye-slits of his big silver mask. Just as he was about to open his mouth, Duo came careening into the room holding up a pair of grapefruits.
"Hold it! We forgot Trowa's boobs!"
"DUO!"
He waved at the camera and ran off, grinning like the demon everyone knows he is. "Zechs" rolled his eyes and leaned over the Aries hatch.
"You all right, Noin?"
Trowa hauled himself out of the dilapidated Aries chair and onto the hatch door, grapefruits falling out of a pilfered Heero Yuy green tank top, Quatre's goggles askew on his forehead, hair dyed a streaky blue-black.
"I just got my ass kicked by a fifteen-year-old who then proceeded to destroy all our Taurus suits while I dangled practically upside down for twenty minutes from Aries' safety harnesses. Do you think I'm okay? I'm going home, having a pint of Chunky Monkey, and then calling Alex and Mueller over for some stiff drinks."
Quatre tossed off the silver helmet. "I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be Zechs, but I can't see out of that blasted thing. I don't know how he ever did it. And Trowa, you're sagging."
"I don't care."
Duo reappeared, holding a clipboard and still being incredibly bouncy. "Okay, that's good. You can go wash your hair now, Trowa."
Green eyes went wide. "What? I spent two hours having my head scrubbed by Heero No Mercy Yuy, my hair is blue, and for what? Five minutes?"
Wufei turned the camera onto himself. "This, onnas and gentlemen, proves that when you piss Barton off, he talks a lot."
"Fine, I'll go put on the jumpsuit and we'll do the Hilde scene. In the meantime, Quatre can find some sunglasses and be Alex."
"No! I'm not going to have anything to do with that psychopath! Zechs told me all about him, I refuse to portray anyone so violent and ruthless."
Duo sighed. "Then we'll do the violin scene. I'll go get Heero."
~^~
They paused the movie at that point, the videophone ringing. Turned out that it was Sally, reminding the five young men that they were scheduled to play bodyguard for Vice Foreign Minister Darlian at her annual Peacemakers of Today and Tomorrow Cookout. Quatre sighed.
"That means I'll have to babysit Mariemaia yet again. One more game of 'My Little Ponies' and I will have another Zero System episode."
"Yes, but remember what happened the last time I kept an eye on her?" Trowa asked. The sweet little dictator had braided his unibang and tied it off with a big pink bow.
"Would you all shut up so we can put the movie back on? The Quatre violin scene is one of the best!" Duo shouted through a mouthful of popcorn.
~^~
The poorly drawn backdrop was put back up, and now there's the addition of a vase of oversized tissue paper flowers. Seated in a dining room chair was Quatre, busily playing the violin. Heero was standing off to the corner, his hair glued into something like a unibang, and he'd managed to Vaseline his legs enough to fit into a pair of Trowa's jeans, albeit the fact that he had to roll the cuffs a good couple of turns. He walked over to where they'd put the flute, and moved closer to Quatre. However, rather than joining in to create the most infamous of Trowa-Quatre moments (complete with sparkles and bubbles), he clocked the blonde Arabian over the head with said musical instrument, causing him to fall out of the chair in shock. Heero grabbed him by the collar and started to drag him off.
"Heero! This isn't how it happened! Heero, let me go!"
"Trowa told me he cracked you over the head, dragged you into a closet, and you two screwed like bunnies."
The real Trowa appeared at this point, tugging at his Hilde beret. "I never said that."
Wufei was heard coughing. "Winner, take the camera. I need to lie down."
"Wow. I didn't know noses could bleed that much," Duo observed.
Quatre took the camera from Wufei, and Duo and Trowa got ready for their scene. However, rather than engaging in any past conversations, Trowa went off on a right old rant.
"How could you let Heero whack Quatre like that, Duo? He could've gotten a concussion! You're absolutely insane, you know that?"
"Oh, come on, Trowa. I'd worry if you'd been playing the cello or something, but it was a harmless little love-tap with a flute. Besides, wasn't that more interesting than playing the flute and then walking off the next day with Quatre saying 'goodbye friend Trowa?' I mean, come on!"
Quatre coughed loudly. "Excuse me? I believe I'm still standing here."
Trowa shook his head. "How about we just scrap this part of the movie? I'll go get my sword, somebody see if Wufei's done moaning over blood loss."
~^~
The video snowed again, and was replaced with about five minutes of G Gundam, which had been taped over by the boys' movie. Duo bounced to his feet, fists clenched in a dramatic pose.
"All right, here it comes!" he cried.
"Here what comes, Duo?" Hilde asked, looking perplexed. The other boys rolled their eyes, waiting for the exact moment to come.
"This hand of mine glows with an awesome power. Its burning grip tells me to defeat you. Now, here I go. SHINING FINGAH!" they all intoned, Duo being far more dramatic than the others. Hilde laughed.
"That was great! Shining fingah?" she cackled. "Wish we'd had a shining fingah attached to Wing Zero."
Heero groaned. "He makes us recite that line every time the show comes on. It nearly killed him when I told him one of the original lines spoken by Domon Kasshu was 'you may have your silvery right leg but I have my shining fingah.' Of course, the Gundams are far inferior to ours."
"And the names. Chibodee Crockett? Sounds like a weak onna if you ask me."
Hilde pointed to Neo-France fighter George duSand. "Hee, this one looks like Trowa."
The movie conveniently turned back to Gundam Wing Run Amok at that point, saving any outbreaks of Wufei shrieking by the arrival of Sai Saishi.
~^~
After a lot of hair washes and some dye stripping shampoo, Trowa managed to get his hair back to a more normal color. However, the shampoo in combination with the blow-dryer and the hair gel they'd used to slick back the infamous Barton Unibang, had resulted with a lovely gingery red color, not uncommon on Khushrenada heads. He'd put on a certain blue military uniform and was waiting with a fencing foil in hand. Duo stood nearby, dressed in cranberry, his hair tied into two buns with pink ribbon, wearing Wufei's reading glasses. Yes, Wufei has reading glasses. Comment on them and he'll show you his own brand of justice, weakling.
"Treize Khushrenada, I challenge you to a duel!" Wufei shouted, bursting into the room with a big impressive katana. Trowa held up his foil, and the duel began. However, Wufei seemed to forget that this was just an act, and started trying to hack at the circus performer with his intimidating weapon.
"Wufei, go easy. This sword's only plastic and some tin foil, yours is the real thing," Trowa panted, trying to parry another slice by Wufei.
"Hey, His Excellency Mr. Trowa Khushrenada probably doesn't appreciate this, Wu-baby," Duo-Une said nervously as Wufei came dangerously close.
"Now, I'll kill you…again!" Wufei cried, lunging. The camera suddenly dropped to the ground and there was the sound of a metallic 'thwap' and the sound of somebody kissing the dirt.
"Nobody threatens MY Trowa."
Heero picked up the camera and righted it, showing Wufei sprawled unconscious on the floor, Trowa standing beside him looking startled, and a smugly piqued Quatre holding a now slightly dented frying pan.
An icepack and a thousand apologies later, Trowa was sitting in a chair, wearing his Hilde beret on his now even redder hair, a couple of turkey feathers clipped onto the beret.
"Do I really have to giggle?"
The camera, now being held by Heero as Wufei's incapacitated, Duo's changing costume again, and Quatre has been locked in a closet until he can learn not to hit his housemates with cookery , nods.
"Fine. Fufufufufufufu. My name is Mariemaia Khushrenada, the daughter of Treize Khushrenada. I'm carrying out my father's wishes to rule the Earth Sphere and I'm not going to screw up like he did because I'm so much cuter than him."
Heero coughed. "That is freaking scary, Trowa. Don't ever do that again."
"Right."
The two quietest of Gundam Boys exchanged places, and Heero, clad in black and wearing a baseball cap with a very long braid attached stepped out of the 'shadows.' Actually, he stepped out of the breakfast nook, which had the lights turned off.
"I'm Duo Maxwell. I may run and hide, but I never tell a lie. But you can call me the Great Destroyer."
"GREAT DESTROYER?!" Duo's voice squawked. "The hell?"
Heero snickered. "Revenge for the 'omae o korosu' of earlier, Maxwell."
"Whatever. Now use the proper idiom or the only thing great that'll be destroyed is you, Yuy!"
Heero and Trowa were quietly chuckling. "Hn."
"…But you can call me the God of Death, because Shinigami's back from Hell, baby!"
Trowa coughed. "Equally as freaking scary, Heero. Don't ever be that cheerful again."
"Acknowledged."
They let Quatre out of the closet after this, and gave the camera back to Wufei. The intrepid (and concussed) cameraman followed the cast outside, where a very large bullseye was set up, Trowa being strapped in. He was wearing his sexy tight green clown pants, not the hideous baggy number, and the godawful mask. That is, until Quatre walked over, plucked said mask from his face, and proceeded to jump on it until it was sufficiently flattened.
"I want to see both of your pretty green eyes," he stated, looking a tad on the Zero side. Everyone just backed off at that point. Duo walked out, his hair having been somehow curled around his shoulders. He'd put on a pair of clip-on earrings and one of Catherine's circus costumes…the pink one…the top filled out by a pair of grapefruit.
"You're not really letting Duo throw knives at Trowa, are you Heero?" Quatre asked, suddenly going about as white as the Tallgeese. Heero and Trowa nodded. Quatre burst into tears. "Don't die!"
Wufei huffed. "Onna."
"Come on, Trowa, look a little scared. It's more fun that way!"
It was at that point that Trowa realized that yes, Duo Maxwell was the one chucking knives at his personage. And he proceeded to look more than a little scared. Duo let the knives fly, and they were all widely off target. One lodged in a tree, one narrowly missed Wufei, one struck a pesky squirrel (sorry, PETA people…but it was an OZ squirrel…like a government pig), and the fourth and fifth knives landed at the very top of the target and about five inches away from Trowa's left foot, respectively.
"Oh well, we all have bad days. Come on, Trowa, I'll go make you some soup."
Trowa blanched even further. "I think I had better chances of surviving the knives."
~^~
"That's not it, is it?" Hilde asked. They shook their heads.
"We haven't done the big dramatic finish yet," Quatre stated casually, tracing patterns on Trowa's thigh with lazy fingertips. Trowa looked as though he was biting the inside of his cheek.
"That reminds me…hey Tro, how'd you managed to get a mask big enough to fit on Heavyarms? You know, the one from Christmas 196?" Duo asked.
"Trade secret."
Wufei got up and went to make another bowl of popcorn, while Heero began cracking knuckles and joints and whatever else could go crack.
"That's gross, Heero," Duo said, sticking his tongue out. Hilde, Trowa and Quatre all cracked their knuckles in unison.
"You're all such great comedians. I bet each and every one of you gets arthritis somewhere down the road from doing that."
~^~
Wufei and the camera continued to film as the boys drove down the street in their only mode of transportation, a green Ford pickup. Lady Une's Preventers car budget had been slashed that year, and could only afford something that comfortably seated two…the passenger and the driver. However, there were five squished into the car, and one of them was wearing a dress. But you didn't hear Quatre complaining, as he was sitting on Trowa's lap.
Duo put the radio on, drumming his fingers on the dashboard as Heero drove. Recklessly, it should be noted. Though they're quite capable of piloting seven-ton mobile suits, not a single one of them can obey the speed limit. Pilots 01-03 and 05 go way over the speed limit while 04 frequently gets pulled over for going too slow.
"Ooh, hit me baby one more time!" Duo sang, squealing like a pop star posing as a Catholic schoolgirl. Heero promptly whacked him over the head.
"Ow! Jesus, Heero, what'd you do that for?"
"You said to hit you, so…"
Duo rolled his eyes. "Whatever."
They all got out, camera showing that it was the beach parking lot, set up on steep cliffs. Trowa and Quatre headed down the stairs to the sand below, intent on something other than filming. Heero stood by, and Wufei continued filming. Duo, dressed once again as Relena, stood on the cliffs, hands cupped around his mouth.
"HEEEEEEEERO! I AM RIGHT OVER HERE SO COME AND KILL MEEEEEEEE!"
Heero walked over with a gun. "Mission accepted." And he shot Relena-Duo, who promptly fell over. Of course, the heat Heero was packing was nothing more than a cap gun, and Duo had squeezed a concealed ketchup packet when he clutched his bleeding heart.
The film snowed again, and showed Heero filming himself. "Next episode…screw the next episode. This was a waste of time."
He opened a bedroom door, and found Duo sitting at a vanity mirror in his purple towel again, combing his hair and scowling into the mirror. Scowling, as he was supposed to be doing the Relena leer.
"Just love! More Japanese I can't say. Just love! I don't know what it means anyway! Something about Gundams and peace and how Relena thinks Heero has a cute ass! Just love!"
~^~
Hilde was sobbing now, the tears rolling down her cheeks as she laughed. She clutched at her aching sides, thrashing on the floor as she'd long since fallen off of the couch. Trowa and Quatre were laughing as well, Duo was howling, Heero chuckled a little, and Wufei just glared irritably.
"That was a waste of a Friday night," he groused.
"Are you kidding?" Hilde asked. "That was the greatest thing I've ever seen! You guys have to make another one! And let me be in it this time! I bet I could do a damn good impression of Trowa!"
She straightened herself up, holding her hands out as if she were grasping the controls of Heavyarms.
"Those who lay eyes on a Gundam shall not live to tell about it. Those were the orders I was given. That, and screw Quatre silly," she said in a perfect mock of Trowa, all seriousness and cold intonation. That made everyone laugh even harder. Well, except for Trowa, who wasn't sure if he should be offended or not.
And so, the Gundam Boys and Girl ended their evening with laughter…which was a good thing because they had to report to Lady Une first thing in the morning and do six months' worth of Preventer paperwork, which was incredibly boring and Quatre managed to slice every single finger open with more papercuts than anyone could possibly get. For the rest of the day he was demoted to Preventers stamp licker. But such is the life of a Gundam pilot. Work is never done.
~^~
I killed myself writing this one. I was seriously giggling the entire time I was writing this and coming up with the sketches for the boys to perform. I'd like to thank Trowa Barton for being such a good sport and allowing us to play with his hair…as an after-note, I'd like to point out that it has returned to its natural color. All he needed was a good scrub with some Herbal Essences. Yes, yes, Trowa has the urge to Herbal. So go now, review, and if you do that, maybe I'll put up another chapter to Parapsychology.