okay I have fixed it again, with some help from someone to make the corrections i couldn't find. i though i had gotten rid of the author notes, but i guess i had changed the color before, or it didn't save the last time i made the correction on the document, sorry.I don't understand when it looks the way it does, but i cannot really fix that , and i don't knowhow so it will have to remain, unless it fixes itself
i have heard about the idea going around and i know that most people probably wouldn't want it to be true but you never know what could happen in someones life.
Brothers' secrets
Dean had gone to get some sort of food, his brother was still in the motel
room, he hadn't wanted to come with him, not that Dean blamed him. Sam was
feeling guilty about the whole Meg thing, she almost killing them and their
father.
Dean sighed just thinking about it, he now knew that it was better to stay
away from his father that he had left for a reason, to protect himself and
to protect them from the creature that had killed their mother 22 years ago.
Where they were concerned, John Winchester was vulnerable, he would drop
whatever he could to save his sons, that had been proven only days ago, when
he had showed up to save their asses.
"Sir, what can I get you?" A male voice broke through Dean's thoughts.
"Oh, sorry. Umm…" Dean looked around himself a line had grown. "I'll just
step back." He said
Dean left the line. He didn't really want something that was fast food. Hell
chips would be fine right now.
Dean walked out of one of the at least five hundredth fast food place he has been
in since he was little. He walked back to his car. He drove across town to a
convenient store. He grabbed some chips and something to drink. In all
honestly he wouldn't have known what he had grabbed if he was asked just
then. He never paid attention anymore, years of grabbing something helped
blur it all together.
He actually paid for it with cash, it wouldn't have been more than ten
dollars so it didn't really matter, most places won't take credit for some
thing less than ten, at least in his experience.
He was once again back in his car, his baby as he called it, but at the
moment his mind was somewhere else, even he didn't know where it was. He
headed back to the motel, hoping he had grabbed something that his brother
would eat. He got back to the dingy hotel and grabbed the bags that
contained the food. He walked up to the room on the second floor, unlocked
the door and looked to the bed that his brother had been sitting on when he
had left.
Sam was still there, but what he was doing made Dean drop the bag on the
floor.
"Sam what the fuck are you doing?" Dean said as he walked towards the bed.
Sam looked up at him, as if he just noticed Dean in the doorway, in honesty
he didn't know that his brother had even come in the room. Sam quickly
covered what he was doing.
"Nothing." Sam said, as he looked at the bag Dean had dropped. "What did you
get?"
"Sam why did you do that?" Dean asked. The door shut by it self, allowing someone to just move out of the way, and the door would slowly shut as long as nothing hit the door as it closed to stop it. The bag sat just inside the room.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Sam said
Dean moved over to the bed and moved the sheet, there sat a thin razor, a
tissue, and Sam's bleeding arm.
"Don't tell me I don't see this, because I know exactly what this is Sam, so
tell me what you're doing?" Dean said.
Sam looked to the floor. "You don't want to know Dean." Sam said
"Sam why are you cutting?" He asked his voice serious, trying
to hold in the emotions he was feeling.
Sam remained quiet not saying a word.
"Sam talk to me please." Dean said, his voice cracked, he didn't want his
baby brother to do something like this, but he didn't want to break down in
front of his brother, he had been through this before, he didn't want it to
end the same way as last time.
"I could have gotten you and Dad killed the other day…" Sam said quietly,
still not looking at his brother.
"Sam it was a set up, if I had ever met Meg before I would have done just as
you did." Dean said. "You cannot blame yourself for that, and no one got
killed but Meg, we're fine." (Remember they didn't see her watch them leave
they think she is dead, the last time they saw her she was laying on the
ground, looking dead.)
"It doesn't mean anything, because it's my fault that we almost got killed,
Dean cut this brothers sentence off. "Sam…Dad is fine, he's not dead, and
and dad…" Sam began.
he
knew it might have been a trap. You're not his weakness Sam, we both are,
but we know that now, we know he left to keep us and himself safe." Dean
said
"But the healer you hated me for taking you there…" Sam said after a minute of silence,
still not able to look his brother in the eyes.
Great… Dean thought he's going to talk about all the things he's ever
done wrong on this trip isn't he?
"You didn't know it was going to happen. Yes I was pissed because I didn't
want to have someone die to save me; you would of felt the same if it had
been you that someone unknowingly died for you. But dude I'm over it now, I
cannot dwell on the fact that the guy is dead, I cannot bring him back, hell
I'm glad to be alive so I can beat your ass for doing stupid shit like
this." Dean said
"What about the asylum? I shot you, if that gun hadn't been loaded than I
would have killed you."
"Sam there was a reason I didn't have the gun loaded…" Dean began
"Yeah because you knew I wouldn't have been able to fight off the spirit."
Dean sighed and ran his hand over his face. "There were three ways that it
could have gone in the two minutes I had to think of possible outcomes. I
could have taunted you with the gun and we had to fight with it, and I
didn't want to have to worry about one of us hitting the trigger, no matter
which way the gun was pointed it wouldn't have mattered, it would have been
bad. The second was you could have shot me yes. But do you want to know what
I was most scared off. I was scared you were going to shoot yourself. You
would take the gun, point it at me, and you would be strong enough to fight
off the spirit. You would point it at your head and you would shoot
yourself in the head because you were loosing the battle, and you didn't
want to hurt me. I was scared you were going to shoot yourself." Dean said.
Sam looked at his brother this time, in the eye.
"Sammy if you had died I would have followed you eventually. You saved my
ass more times than I am comfortable with, hell if you hadn't shown up in
that town with the scarecrow I would be dead right then and there." Dean
said
"What about Jessica, those images that I had before it happened?" Sam asked
"You could have been scared that she was going to die, because the only
other female you ever had in your life died. You could have been thinking
that it was going to happen like mom, Dad and I didn't help you much by
being obsessed with mom's death, you could have been scared you were going
to lose her just like mom Sam, it's understandable to be scared to lose
someone that you care about when you have already lost someone." Dean said
"Dean..." Sam said
"I know it did happen, but somewhere in your mind you might have been
thinking that, that it was just you being scared you would loose Jessica
like you did mom."
"I guess you could be right." Sam said
"Good because I don't want you to do this again." Dean said gesturing to
Sam's arm.
"I promise." Sam said
"You cannot just say you promise. It's like a drug to an addict, or alcohol you're speaking
to an alcoholic. You'll always remember what it feels like to solve your own
emotional problems, by taking a blade to you skin, but you have to
understand that you cannot just let it happen, you have to remember what it
could do to you." Dean said
Sam looked closer at his brother. "You sound like from
experience." Sam said
It was Dean who broke eye contact now. He moved the sleeve from his arms,
scars run along them.
"Shit Dean." Sam said as he looked at the numerous scars that traced both
his brothers arms, some recent some old. "How long?"
"Two years off and on." Dean said as he covered his arm again.
"Did Dad know?" Sam asked
"No. When I had started, it made it look like they were just scratches from
the creatures we ran into. Some here, some there." Dean said as he got up.
"Why did you start?" Sam said
Dean sat on his bed, still not looking at his brother. "Three years ago, Dad
and I were on a case. I met a girl. She was always quiet. She was being
stalked by something, whatever we had been after, probably a ghost. We had
left her in the motel room, while we … Dad and I… were talking about the
case. He went to get food. I went back in the room and found her hiding in
the bathroom, cutting her wrist. We got the ghost out of the picture, and I
would talk to her every night so she wouldn't cut. Eventually I lost
contact, since I didn't have a cell phone, and I didn't want to use dads. I
lost contact with her for a week or so, when I finally called her, she had
gone back to cutting. I went back to try to help her, Dad didn't know where
I went only that I was fine. A week after being there, she committed
suicide, hung herself and cut so deep that she continued to bleed as she
swung there. There wasn't anything they could do to save her. And I felt
guilty, hell I didn't want even try… the cutting…, but I did and I finally
understood why she did it. Why she had so much trouble forgetting about it
why it helped." Dean sighed at the end
"I'm sorry." Sam said.
"It doesn't matter now, she's dead, and I cannot help her there." Dean said.
"Did the bleeding stop yet?"
"It stopped a while ago." Sam said, after looking at his arm knowing that
was what his brother was talking about.
"Good throw that shit out, and clean up the cuts, than go to bed." Dean said
Dean turned the light out by his bed and listened as Sam cleaned up his
mess. Dean hoped that this would be the last time he had to see that site.
But something told him it wasn't. He felt responsible for her death, and
guilty that he didn't know it was that bad. He just hoped he wouldn't find
anyone else he cared about doing it, especially Sam he wouldn't be able to
handle it if it was Sam who had killed himself.
The food by the door lay untouched as both brothers tried to get some sleep.
END
I don't recommend anybody cutting because what Dean "says" about it is true, you will aways remember what it was like, and you will always have the idea that you can fix your own problems, but everytime you do it, it can get worse (i speak from personal experience with friends and myself, and no i am not just claiming that i did, since i am talking about it...eventually a former cutter, if they have been made to open up about why they did it in the first place will be more open about it especially if no one really knows what they look like, or they had to read a paper about it in front of their class).
please let me know what you think, and if you want the views of the brothers that night, while they are trying to sleep. the reason that i have the idea about the girl is that Dean was affected by Bloody Mary as much as Sam, so who did he feel responsible for killing. though i do have other ideas as to what it might be, thanks to other stories i have read...but this one was my own idea. let me know if you want to see how the brothers deal with this new information about each other that night.