AN: OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS?
(I hope you're as amused as I am by the idea)
000
I
Itachi Uchiha was minding Akatsuki business one day when he came across a little gambling outpost in the middle of the Wind Country. Normally, he passed these by because gambling did not interest him very much. However, at this place in particular was standing a certain someone. A certain someone with golden brown eyes, pigtailed blonde hair, and quite possibly the largest breasts he had ever observed on a human (of course, Itachi had not seen a Tsunade impersonator before). She was one of the great Sannin, Princess Tsunade. And she was about to punch the poor innocent slot machine out of existence.
Now, normally, Itachi would have walked away quietly to report to his superiors about the sighting, since Tsunade was pretty much a ninja celebrity, and the Akatsuki had very paparazzi-like tendencies, but it was a curious sight, seeing a great Sannin reduced to childishly pouting at a slot machine.
Against his better judgment, he edged closer to the scene.
"You—" smack "—god damn—" smack "—useless—" smack "piece of shit!"
As he suspected, she smashed the contraption to smithereens. Strangely, that did not deter her from trying her hand at a similar slot machine directly next to it.
II
Itachi related this discovery to Kisame later that night over a camp fire. Kisame chuckled and, very crassly, said, "I'd do her."
Itachi's reaction was mixed agreement and horror. "She's in her fifties!" he exclaimed.
"I once bagged a seventy year old."
"I believe I could have gone my entire life without knowing that, Kisame," he said dryly.
"Sure thing, Itachi-san." If Itachi didn't know better, Kisame was positively smirking. "So. You gonna report this to leader-sama? Or should I?"
"...No."
"I wasn't referring to your attraction to old ladies. I meant the fact that you saw the Lady Tsunade and didn't get your ass turned into a red stain on the gravel is pretty impressive."
"I'm beginning to wonder if it was actually her."
"Hmm. No, it was, if your description was correct. Generally, Tsunade impersonators don't have chakra-enhanced fists and vendettas against slot machines."
"I suppose you are correct. Perhaps we should investigate. It is entirely possible she has something more important to do than gambling."
"Well, there is that nearby hospital. She's a legendary medic, you know."
III
Itachi stopped by a little traditional café as he walked through the nameless village again and ordered some tea, not feeling particularly thirsty. It was cold and the early evening. He grabbed a napkin from the table he had seated himself at and suppressed his cough with it; a few droplets of blood escaped onto the paper. He wadded it up and thrust it into his pocket.
Much to his shock (chagrin, actually), Tsunade also felt like stopping at the same café. He cursed under his breath, de-activated the Sharingan, and cast a genjutsu to try and mask his presence. By some strange coincidence, she sat down across from him. She moaned and held her head in her hands. Hung over? Drunk? It was difficult to tell.
"Bah. It's fine, Uchiha," she slurred. "You can take that silly genjutsu off."
Very drunk, indeed. Itachi cautiously released the genjutsu.
"It's not very shmart to go around and dishapearring like that, yanno."
"Hm." The legendary medic was also apparently a legendary drunk.
"You're not too bad. Kinda cute, if you ignore them tear ducts."
Their drinks were brought: Itachi had sugar-saturated green tea (it was the consistency of loose dough at this point), and Tsunade had hot sake. She poured herself a shot and downed it.
"So..." he said conversationally, taking a sip of his tea, "what are you doing here?"
"I think I'm...getting drunk and talking to a wanted criminal."
"Hm."
"You. What'sh a wanted criminal like you doing here?"
"Drinking tea and talking with a legendary drunk, I am assuming."
She snorted with laughter. "Touché."
They were silent, nursing their respective beverages.
Tsunade leaned forward all of a sudden, large breasts nearly knocking over both ninjas' drinks. Her face was uncomfortably close to Itachi's. He could smell the alcohol on her breath. He resisted the urge to recoil. She smirked and touched his nose lightly with one finger before settling back into her seat.
"You are so adorable when you're con-confused!"
Itachi cleared his throat awkwardly and was going to announce his intent to leave when the bloody napkin fell out of his pocket. Tsunade picked it up and unfolded it, raising an eyebrow.
"Hmm...meet me tomorrow at that...little..park...mmk?"
Dumbfounded by her reaction, he simply nodded.
IV
Itachi quickly made his way back to his and Kisame's small encampment. Kisame thought he looked like a bizarre cross between being pleased with himself, a sugar rush, and extremely frustrated. He thought he knew why.
"Heh. So I'm guessing you landed yourself a date with the legendary sucker?"
Itachi's face colored slightly. "...Maybe," he muttered, following up with a death glare to end all death glares.
"To think...you're what, fifteen?"
"I'm eighteen."
"Actually, you still look about the same as you did when you first joined. Weren't you, like, thirteen?" Kisame looked thoughtful. "I guess you look legal. Barely."
"Uchihas age well," Itachi said, after a pause.
"More like backwards. I bet you'll end up looking like an infant when you're forty."
"Shut up," Itachi said, in an extremely intelligent and completely non-defensive manner.
"Fine, fine. But where did she want to meet?"
"The local park."
"Heh. Don't wear the cloak. You'll scare off the children."
Itachi flopped down to his sleeping roll in a suitably dramatic fashion, muttering a foul word under his breath when he hit his head on an offending rock. Kisame extinguished the fire and they fell asleep.
V
Itachi had been sitting on the park's bench for approximately three hours with a very thick novel in hand, one that was in very fine print and in a foreign language. Itachi liked a good challenge, and had not brought with him the deluxe student edition dictionary of said foreign language. He had, however, brought reading glasses.
His deliciously-challenging-foreign-novel-super-door-stop-edition reading was cut short by the shadow of a pair of large breasts. Ah, so Tsunade had finally remembered they were supposed to meet. He dog-eared the page he was on and practically slammed the book shut, but left his glasses on.
Tsunade swayed a little. Another bottle of sake was in her hand. "Howdy, Uchiha brat."
"Hello," Itachi said guardedly.
"I saw you cough blood into that there napkin," she said, pointing at a tree behind Itachi. "I think I can fix that problem, if you know what I mean."
"...What makes you think it is a problem?"
"Coughing blood can't be good. Let me help, before I get sober and change my mind." Surprisingly, her face was rather serious. "You're way too handsome to die that way."
Even more surprisingly, Itachi allowed her to actually touch him, a feat usually only achieved by no one. He looked around distractedly as she examined his chest with her chakra-glowing hands, vision "accidentally" falling on her chest more than one time. He swallowed dryly when he realized that he was indeed attracted to her, a woman that was at least twice his age.
And quite a woman she was.
VI
They had several more meetings ("healing sessions") in the park, and Tsunade seemed to get less drunk the more they talked. Surprisingly, they did agree on a few things. On the downside, she was beginning to get handsy with him. Itachi did not take very well to being touched, and she was touching him way more than required. Her hands, glowing with green chakra, were beginning to drift over his abdominal muscles, a sensation which, while not unpleasant, smacked of "molestation" ever so slightly.
The turning point in their acquaintance, Itachi decided, was when she lightly smacked him on the buttocks as he got up to leave.
VII
When the news of this reached Kisame's ears, he understandably burst out into uncontrollable and very loud laughter. Itachi's cheeks were flaming red at the admittance that yes, he was attracted to Tsunade, and, "Yes, Kisame, I do believe she returns the sentiment."
"Good. You haven't shown any interest in anybody for awhile. I was starting to get worried about your delicate psyche."
VIII
They met at the little café again, Itachi with his usual sugar-encrusted green tea, and Tsunade with her hot sake. Their conversation was whispered. Tsunade said something, giggled, then blushed; Itachi seemed a bit surprised at what he just said in reply. The pair paid for their beverages and walked out. Tsunade all but dragged a shocked Itachi to the nearest hotel.
IX
After a night of loud and reasonably passionate sex, the unlikely couple set to work on the undoubtedly sexy post-coitus conversation.
"Just so you know, you need work on your foreplay, Uchiha." She lightly poked his nose again.
He raised one eyebrow. "I was...ah, not in a very good position to engage in foreplay." (He was, of course, referring to the fact that he nearly suffocated under the massiveness that was Tsunade's chest.)
"We'll have to fix that next time."
He gulped, unsure what to say, and eventually nodded in mute agreement. He also felt sleepy.
"Hm. You're quiet again. Feeling sleepy?"
"A bit."
"Ah. My chakra will fix that!" she exclaimed, and thrust (note: pun unintentional) her hand below the sheets of the bed and very agreeably used her medical jutsu to zap Itachi back to life.
Understandably, Itachi gasped with arousal and surprise, mingled with the remains of a sugar rush. Just as understandably, he decided to top on the second round, and did in fact miraculously become the expert lover that any girl would dream of.
X
It was time for Tsunade to leave. She and Itachi met for the last time at the traditional café, and before Itachi could order his diabetes-inducing beverage of choice, she ordered hot sake for the two of them.
Itachi, it seemed, could not hold his liquor very well.