It's a typical stormy night in Gotham City. The dark cliché that surrounds the city is broken with a new ambiance this evening. Batgirl is up to her usual stalk of the night. She perches herself tactfully on the rooftop of a familiar building and listens to the noises all around. The storm rages on, not to the howl of the wind, but to the howling laughter coming from an open window of the run-down apartment building. The red bricks are covered in a black tar-like film that could only be from the pollutant fog that lingers around this side of town.
Trailing up the fire escape to the third story, the laughter grows louder, followed by muffled voices. An electric glow from a television set flickers through the cracked window illuminating the source of the laughter. Batgirl had been stalking this creep for weeks now. She lowered her body and adjusted her cowl to hone in on the sound coming from the apartment below.
"Ha ha! I just don't get it. This town is so fucked up—chasing around some bat-shit crazy bitch in a cape isn't on my list of priorities."
"You will be paid handsomely. Just kill her."
Batgirl recognized the second voice as one of Gotham's local gang members—Toni Marcelli. A punk kid who is butt hurt that she locked his whole family up for illegal weapons trafficking and not to mention prostitution. She snorted under her breath at his fake "mob-boss" accent. She imagined whomever it was that Toni was attempting to hire may have been laughing at it, too.
"Look, cut the shit, kid. I don't do favors for douche bags that deserve to be locked up. And from what I've seen, this bat-bitch has an impressive entourage. That means I might actually have to put some effort into it. And…. Not gonna lie…. I don't really feel like it."
"That's right, pal, don't even think I'll go easy on you," Batgirl muttered to herself as she adjusted the volume from her utility belt.
"What if I told you who she really is? Would that make it interesting enough for you?"
"Oh this should be good," Batgirl scoffed.
"Kid. Unless this chick has three tits and tail I don't really give a fuck."
"That's just it. It's not a girl at all! It's a man! What better way to disguise yourself than to pose as the opposite sex?"
"Is this kid for real," an electric buzz rang out in Batgirl's head gear. Barbara Gordon was playing oracle this evening while Stephanie Brown did all the dirty work.
"I mean, really? Are my features that masculine? Maybe I should take it easy on the squats," Batgirl whispered.
As if in response to Batgirl's comments, more roaring laughter erupted from the apartment building. It was an odd laugh, one that Stephanie was familiar with, the deep tone followed by snorting and ending with snickering. It belonged to none other than her least favorite mercenary, Deadpool.
"Steph, all we need is a positive ID on this bonehead so Tim and Bruce can take him out. Don't linger longer than you have to," Barbara advised.
"Alright, alright. Catch Toni, snap a pic of Dead-Dick and get on with it. Gotcha. Batgirl out," Stephanie replied sarcastically.
Batgirl re-positioned herself for an entry into the window but wanted to be sure that Toni wouldn't have a chance to escape through the front door. She paused for a moment and placed her palms on the roof of the building. Luckily, Deadpool liked top floor apartments, which enabled her to use one of her favorite tools.
"I am picking up on two heat signatures in the apartment. One is seated and the other is standing in what looks to be the kitchen," Barbara responded.
"Am I good to join the party?"
"Well, you know as well as anyone of us that this guy usually packs heat so proceed with caution."
"Babs, I'm going in. Batgirl out."
Batgirl wasted no time. She tapped the side of her hip to activate her suit's armor. The scale-like plates maneuvered themselves to cover her delicate features and protect them from bullets. As the plates moved the familiar bat symbol formed an electric yellow glow signaling her for a prime entrance. Charged and ready, Batgirl tumbled down the side of the building and into the apartment.
Stephanie had expected to land right in front of the two men but was faced with an empty room. She peered over to the kitchen and saw something bazaar: a couple of mops and brooms tapped together with steaming hot towels wrapped around them. She approached them and knocked them over with the back of her hand. As the makeshift scarecrow landed on the ground a tape recorder smashed into pieces.
"Son-of-a-"
"BITCH!" Deadpool cut Batgirl off with a surprise bullet straight to her chest.
"Steph! Are you alight? Get out of there," Barbara's voice chimed in.
"I'm a little occupied right now. Call back later," Batgirl had recoiled against a built-in oven and was eye to eye with Deadpool who had switched to swords within a matter of seconds.
"Oh, you have friends in your head, too? Gosh, we are just so much alike! Will you sext me?" Deadpool laughed as he pressed his blade against Batgirl's neck.
Batgirl grimaced as the suit numbed the pain from the bullet to the chest. She pushed back on Deadpool's swords with her forearms. Spring-released blades shot into his face. Deadpool grunted and forfeited his hold on her as he pulled on the knives lodged into his nose.
"Gosh, what did you go and do that for? I only hit you with a .45 caliber hollow point… you gotta go and mess up my make-up and shit. I'll never be prom queen!" Deadpool howled.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Batgirl screamed.
Deadpool tossed the knives onto the kitchen floor and laughed, "Oh, so many things," he snickered as he raised his pistol once again. But he hesitated once he noticed the blinking yellow light on the barrel of his favorite weapon.
"MotherFu-"
Batgirl anticipated his move and crouched down behind a couch as the tiny bomb exploded in the kitchen.
"ALRIGHT! JESUS! I'll buy you a dildo! I don't see who the hell want to get it on with a chick who literally blows you to bits! I'd rather blow my bits all over you, but obviously you aren't interested!"
"Are you for real?" Batgirl scoffed as she jerked her head up.
As soon as she asked Deadpool had reformed and made his way behind her. He grabbed her palm and placed it on his groin.
"You tell me, bat-babe," he glared.
Stephanie smirked as the plates in her suit rearranged to reveal an electric blue bat symbol. Her eyes narrowed on Deadpool as she cupped his junk in her hands. She playfully ran her opposite hand up his torso and to his chest. He moaned playfully.
"Hm, careful there batsy, that's high tech equipment you're handling," Deadpool mumbled.
"Oh, I know. It can be quite shocking…." Batgirl smirked as the blue bat beacon glowed. Deadpool's eyes widened as he realized what was happening.
Electricity surged from Batgirl's palms and transferred to Deadpool's body though his crotch. His body convulsed and the lights flickered as Stephanie utilized her second favorite tool in her bat-suit. The electric pulses where meant to help map a building's wiring layout, but she decided this was more appropriate.
Deadpool collapsed onto the floor and barely spoke as Batgirl snapped a picture of him lying on the floor with a scorched crotch and all. As she walked over to the window she tapped a button on her belt.
"Hey Babs, how about some good music to play me out on," Batgirl smirked at her favorite Eddy Grant song.
"Oh no, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher
Oh, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue
And then we'll take it higher"