The Surgical Knives.

"Edward, open this present for me, incase I get a paper cut."

"No."

"Why not? Jasper will probably attack me if I do."

"I don't care."

"Oh well."

"Give it here, Bella. I'll open it with my amazing surgical steel surgery knife!"

"Thank you, Carlisle."

"What else would you use a surgical steel knife for other than surgeries?"

"Annoying Edward, Jasper."

"I hope you got me one of those then."

"Rosalie, why did you get me a pair of earrings when I don't even have my ears pierced?"

"If you don't want them, Alice, I'll have them."

"You're a bitch you know that,"

"I know."

"Wow, I love this surgical steel knife guys! Watch me run with it!"

"Wow!"

"Oh my god! I got one too!"

"So did I!"

"Carlisle, did you just get us all surgical steel knives?"

"Yup."

"Why?"

"Cause, everyone loves annoying Edward!"

"Does Edward enjoy annoying himself?"

"Bella is wrong for me. Bella is wrong for me. Bella is a virgin. Bella is a virgin."

"Yeah, he doesn't need a surgical steal knife to annoy himself though."

"Guess what I got you, Carlisle!"

"What?"

"A toothbrush!"

"Wow, thank you Alice. I'm very grateful!"

"Alice, why did you buy me a thong?"

"Cause, Rosalie likes to see her men in thongs."

"Awesome!"

"Edward, why did you buy me extra-jumbo tampons?"

"Incase you bleed."

"I'm not that big…"

"Your nostrils are massive Bella."

"Eddie boy, we're going to have to have a father-to-son talk now. Girls don't put tampons in their nose when they have nose bleeds."

"Then why does Alice, Rosalie and Esme have some in now?"

"Your hallucinating Edward."

"Oh… so I really have gone insane. Someone pass me their surgical steel knife."

"Emmett, why did you buy me toilet roll?"

"Cause, I just bought a twelve pack of the stuff and I dunno what to do with it."

"Oh right…"

"Bella! Open mine next!"

"Jasper, why did you get me a potato?"

"It can hear your thoughts."

"Really?"

"Yup!"

"Wow…"

"Esme, why are you being so quiet?"

"I'm being emo with Edward."

"That could be a TV show."

"We could do a Christmas special now with the camera crew we keep upstairs to help us make porn videos when we're bored!"

TUNE IN TONIGHT AT NINE PM ON CHANNEL 345 FOR THE 'BEING EMO WITH EDWARD SHOW! CHRISTMAS SPECIAL' WITH GUEST STARS, PARIS HILTON AND BONO!

(yeah, not really.)